A couple of months ago during a Question and Answer session with a BDSM author in a Facebook group, he kept saying that roles and relationships in BDSM are an illusion, especially that of a BDSM slave or M/s relationship.Many of us that actually live everyday life as a BDSM slave took great offense to this. How can someone that is a self proclaimed Dominant say that? Where is it written that someone else's reality is defined by others that have no clue as to how other people live?
BDSM Consensual Slave: Illusion or Reality
Post title: " BDSM Consensual Slave: Illusion or Reality "by:
I was tagged in a post the other day over on Google + asking me for my input and thoughts on a blog classifying submissives into different categories.
The blogger wrote a disclaimer stating he didn't know everything and believed there are so many variations and ways to live, promote, and discuss the lifestyle that everyone will have a different opinion.
The discussion that ensued under the post was very interesting. One person said they refer to themselves as 'pet' because they abhor the word 'slave'. Another person said they did not believe in any references of classes or titles. That a 'true loving relationship can't be classified or measured'. In this, the writer was specifically referring to those in the lifestyle that classify their relationship as a 24/7 relationship or 'boast' about having this type of relationship and went on to state that he didn't care what the world called her, his partner was simply his.
Now, I have a different opinion. I am not saying that those that think differently than I do are wrong. I'm simply stating my opinion. I have many different thoughts on this subject. First is classifications. Do I like them? No. But, are they necessary? Yes. Why? Because I write, speak to, or advise many people from different countries, backgrounds, and levels of understanding about the BDSM Lifestyle. It's a tool that I use to help new people gain a better understanding of their own place in our world. They read many BDSM blogs and BDSM books and get confused. By using classifications such as differences in submissives, they can start to understand that there are many different ways to submit. In every post in which I speak on this, I clarify it by the statement "One can fit into many categories, so don't feel limited by a learning tool".
Now to address what has been termed as 'boasting a 24/7 relationship'. In my own case, it's not a boast, but a fact. I do live it all day and night and 7 days a week. How is this possible? I don't work outside the home. I do work in the field of BDSM. I'm lucky enough to be with my Padrone pretty much 24/7 and even go to work with him and hang out there all night when I'm not sick.
I do use the designation 24/7 slave when describing myself. Why? Because it is who I am and what I see myself as. It is my reality. It also helps other people that read my books or blogs connect to the lifestyle, have a point of reference of what 24/7 slave can really mean in a real life relationship, and at the same time give them another learning tool. If you think about your own life, we all need these types of tools/ titles/ classifications to help us understand the world we live in; To bring understanding to a new and possibly alien subject. Without classifications or titles, there would be chaos. And where there's chaos, there is no learning, enlightenment, or advancement.
At this point, a separate argument was made that promoting the lifestyle in this way was a wrong approach. That it gave self-proclaimed Doms or subs a platform to boast around and give 'lessons' to others. The writer said "I don't want to give lessons to anyone about what they are or how they should consider themselves. D/s is one subtle life discovery that everyone should discover for themselves".
I agree to a certain extent. The way I teach and approach the lifestyle is from one of self discovery. But, as I am approached by literally hundreds of people asking advice, it's one of the ways I can help them. People just discovering or finally admitting, that they have a craving towards BDSM want information. They need to know they aren't dirty, weird or depraved. My blog posts, as well as others on the internet, are a sort of validation that they are not sick or perverted. It's a relief to some and a revelation to others that yes there are more like me! The use of titles and classes is just a stepping stone for the newbies on their journey. And as in the vanilla lifestyle where people pretend to be what they are not, there will always be people that scream to the world they are Dominant or submissive. These are not real and I always point this out to my readers. A real Dominant or submissive doesn't feel the need nor do they want to scream the fact to the world at large.
So, just remember, no matter if you call or consider yourself a Master/Mistress/Sir/Madam/Daddy/Padrone/Maitre/Jarl or sub/slave/pet/babygirl/boy/kajira, they are just ways to help you understand yourself in a different way. There are many levels of submission and dominance. There are many types of D/s relationships. There are many ways you can classify your relationship or yourself. Some do not believe and do not use any titles or classifications. Others use them all the time. Some use them but say they don't believe in them.
There is no right or wrong. There is no correct classification that you have to fit into. It is what you make of it and what works for you and your partner. So, the next time you encounter a classification post or one about titles, whether you agree or not, it was worth the read if it made you think and learn just one more facet of what makes up the huge infinite world of BDSM.
Titles & Classifications in BDSM
Post title: " Titles & Classifications in BDSM "by:
This subject is so vast and varied, that the best I can do is to give you examples of things that could be asked of you.
Make sure you don't get duties confused with Protocols, Rituals and Rules. A Protocol is how a Dominant and submissive interact with one another. Some examples of protocol would be how a sub greets a Dominant at a party or how they are dressed and greeting their Dom when they get home from work. A ritual for submissives is a sequence of actions / words / gestures that are performed the same exact way for one specific purpose. An example could be having a meditation ritual. Dressing a certain way, setting up a place to meditate a certain way, and the actual act of meditation. A rule is a specific way to act or conduct yourself following explicit instructions given by your Dominant.
Now, if you aren't in a 24/7 D/s relationship, what types of duties or tasks can you expect? Normally in an online or long distance relationship, the Dominant will have tasks for you to perform and may require proof that it was completed. Some examples of online or LDR (long distance relationship) duties could include sending pictures of what you wore, emailing a schedule of things you will do during the day, or sending a list at night reviewing your day and the feelings associated with it. These types of tasks are just as important as serving a Dominant in real life. Don't think that just because the couple isn't together physically, that they don't feel the satisfaction and joy of seeing a task completed. If you have read my earlier posts on these types of relationships, you will understand that there is the same mental and emotional satisfaction and connection as there is in real life situations.
Remember that every person has their own idea and version of what a submissive is and does. It will be up to you and your Dominant to make the final decisions of what is acceptable and what isn't. Why didn't I make a list of possible duties or tasks? Because they are vast and varied and all dependent on your relationship / limits / situation.