In the world of BDSM, we think of ourselves as being a high tolerance community that keeps open minds without judging others.
I have found that to be true in most cases, with the exception to size. One thing that has stood out to me over the past couple of years is that size discrimination comes from both ends of the weight spectrum.
I have several pages on various social media sites. Over time, some of them started catering to different groups' wants. One page mostly portrayed thinner models in various BDSM situations. While the other page catered to larger women posing in different outfits and scenes. This is where it gets interesting.
On the page posting thinner pictures of women, I would get comments like "she needs a cheeseburger", "without curves, she should be a boy", and "real men like women with curves". After it happened more frequently, I have to say I was shocked! I always expected to get the occasional mean comment on my plus sized page, but never thought I would see so many on the "normal sized" page. I got to see first hand just how reverse size discrimination worked.
Now, on the plus sized page, it was just the opposite. We got comments such as "fat pig", "looks more like a hippo in a corset", "fat, ugly, porker" and some so vile I refuse to repeat them. I had expected this. I would delete and ban the offender. What I never expected was comments such as "she's not big enough to be a BBW" or "what makes her plus size". Apparently some people didn't think the women were large enough. I was stunned when this first happened. I always posted a variety of different sized and shaped plus size women.
If you guys have followed me for any length of time, you should know that I don't tolerate any form of discrimination (gender, race, size, sexual orientation, etc..). A few days ago, I got a comment once again on the plus sized page asking me what made her plus sized. I answered that she was a well known size 14 model, which in the USA means plus sized. Shortly after, I received a heated response asking me to detail what sizes I thought the descriptions 'plus size', 'BBW', and 'SSBBW' consist of. Of course I didn't answer. That did spark a great question that I posed to my followers on various sites on the internet. Some very interesting comments and discussions ensued after.
Many people said that women should not be labeled at all. Some stated what they thought constituted a BBW and SSBBW. Some thought plus size, BBW, and SSBBW are three different tiers for describing larger women. I got a couple of angry comments stating that simply asking the question was very offensive.
I have known my entire life that I can't please everyone. I never have and never will. Here are my thoughts on the entire situation.
- I believe people that have a wonderful personality and character are beautiful, no matter their outer shell.
- I believe that every woman, despite size/shape/color/age can be an awesome, loved, and desirable submissive with the right Dominant.
- I see nothing wrong or offensive with the terms plus size or BBW. To me, they are the same and can be used interchangeably to describe women that are on the larger side of what the general public deem as 'normal'.
- I also thoroughly believe that size discrimination and segregation is completely wrong, in any shape or form.
Therefore, after much discussion with my Padrone, I have decided to combine all of my pages into one that posts pictures of every size and shape, with absolutely no tolerance for negative comments. Why? Because I need to 'practice what I preach'.
The BDSM community is supposed to be a high tolerance, open minded community. If I continue to run separate pages for different groups, I see it as a form of segregation, separate but equal. That is not what we should be promoting. I know many people will not lime it. Many of the old followers won't follow the new pages. But, I accept this. I hope that with time, new people will follow me and help promote the spirit of a united community.
Thank you all for your continued support and I hope that my words have either helped sway your opinion, or at the very least, opened your mind to a different way of thinking.
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I would like to re-introduce you to a wonderful couple, Master Grimm and Slave Nalani. They are a 24/7 BDSM couple that live the lifestyle while being cross-country truck drivers. If you have not read the first part of their story, I encourage you to read that first before continuing on with this one. Enjoy this next installment of their truly wonderful story.
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| Slave Nalani and Master Grimm |
One day I was sitting on the couch watching TV. It was December 5th, 2010. I remember it like it was yesterday. I wasn't paying attention to the TV, because my mind was far away. Suddenly, I stood up and put my jacket on and walked outside to the internet cafe. I didn't have internet at that time in my house. So I went online checking out different pages and Facebook. With so many options online, I narrowed the choices down some by typing in BDSM and a whole list with pages popped up!
I sat back looking at the whole list, not knowing what to do. Which page do I click first? I was so excited and clicked on that only said "BDSM". The page had a conversation about "Switches” and I read the whole post, looking through all the comments that were given. There were many answers that I didn't understand at all! There was one little profile picture that popped out to me, personally, out of all the comments from over thirty different people. Something about this picture was "Wow" to me!
I clicked on the name attached to the picture after I saw that He was a Dominant. As I looked at the picture, my heart started beating faster, my blood was running through my veins, my soul, my head, my body all were alive just from the sight before me. I thought “My god what a special Man this is!” I knew He wasn't from Europe and lived in the USA. He was a little older than me, but I didn't care.
I sat down and thought now what? I clicked on messages. Should I or should I not? "Oh crazy girl just do it" I thought to myself. Nervously, I wrote him a nice friendly message asking how he was doing. I figured it's not going to hurt anyone right? I clicked on send and there it went, to the person I didn't know! I went back to that page and like some other posts and browsed more internet pages also before logging out.
The next day, after my house cleaning was finished, his picture popped in my head again. I went back to the same internet cafe, logged on Facebook and discovered a message from the man I had only seen in a little profile picture. I opened the message and read what he had written, wishing me a good day and saying He didn't know me! Lol, that's right, He didn't know me! I wrote Him back explaining a little about how I found His profile and mentioned the conversation I had read in which he had commented on. I also asked if He was a Master. I clicked send, logged out and went back home to cook.
Later that night, I went back online and another message from Him was waiting for me. He said that He is a Master and into the BDSM Lifestyle. We became friends and had many conversations back and forth via email. After long back and forth messages to each other, He told me "You only have to ask".
Without any thinking or hesitation, I asked Him "Will You be my Master?" He said yes and I have been his slave ever since. Oh my goodness, the feeling I had was getting harder and stronger. I couldn't hold it back anymore! Strange isn't it, that a person you don't know can inspire such strong and deep feelings? To me it is!
We exchanged phone numbers and I went right then to buy an overseas card to make my first phone call to Him. How am I going to do this? I am Dutch and now I need to speak English. I went home, sat down on the couch, and dialed His phone number. My nerves were shaking, my heart was beating fast, and I said "Hello Master" with big smile on my face!
Our journey into a BDSM relationship deepens and starts from our first voice conversation! Stay tuned for the 3rd post in about 2 weeks!
I sat back looking at the whole list, not knowing what to do. Which page do I click first? I was so excited and clicked on that only said "BDSM". The page had a conversation about "Switches” and I read the whole post, looking through all the comments that were given. There were many answers that I didn't understand at all! There was one little profile picture that popped out to me, personally, out of all the comments from over thirty different people. Something about this picture was "Wow" to me!
I clicked on the name attached to the picture after I saw that He was a Dominant. As I looked at the picture, my heart started beating faster, my blood was running through my veins, my soul, my head, my body all were alive just from the sight before me. I thought “My god what a special Man this is!” I knew He wasn't from Europe and lived in the USA. He was a little older than me, but I didn't care.
I sat down and thought now what? I clicked on messages. Should I or should I not? "Oh crazy girl just do it" I thought to myself. Nervously, I wrote him a nice friendly message asking how he was doing. I figured it's not going to hurt anyone right? I clicked on send and there it went, to the person I didn't know! I went back to that page and like some other posts and browsed more internet pages also before logging out.
The next day, after my house cleaning was finished, his picture popped in my head again. I went back to the same internet cafe, logged on Facebook and discovered a message from the man I had only seen in a little profile picture. I opened the message and read what he had written, wishing me a good day and saying He didn't know me! Lol, that's right, He didn't know me! I wrote Him back explaining a little about how I found His profile and mentioned the conversation I had read in which he had commented on. I also asked if He was a Master. I clicked send, logged out and went back home to cook.
Later that night, I went back online and another message from Him was waiting for me. He said that He is a Master and into the BDSM Lifestyle. We became friends and had many conversations back and forth via email. After long back and forth messages to each other, He told me "You only have to ask".
Without any thinking or hesitation, I asked Him "Will You be my Master?" He said yes and I have been his slave ever since. Oh my goodness, the feeling I had was getting harder and stronger. I couldn't hold it back anymore! Strange isn't it, that a person you don't know can inspire such strong and deep feelings? To me it is!
We exchanged phone numbers and I went right then to buy an overseas card to make my first phone call to Him. How am I going to do this? I am Dutch and now I need to speak English. I went home, sat down on the couch, and dialed His phone number. My nerves were shaking, my heart was beating fast, and I said "Hello Master" with big smile on my face!
Our journey into a BDSM relationship deepens and starts from our first voice conversation! Stay tuned for the 3rd post in about 2 weeks!
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Being a BBW, that's the acronym for Big Beautiful Woman for those who don't know, and kinky can be challenging in a multitude of ways.
One of the ways in which it isn't challenging is in finding play partners that are attracted to full figured women.
It is a myth that attractive, educated, intelligent, witty men are only attracted to women that resemble prepubescent boys wearing short skirts and sporting a set of inflatable boobs. Think I'm just assuaging a jealousy I won't admit to? Do a Google search for "BBW porn". I did, just to have statistical information to support my claim - and you'll get a listing of roughly 25,600,000 sites to chose from. Honestly, if there wasn't a demand for it, would there be so many sites dedicated to offering and charging for access to it? And that is just one search phrase on one search engine.
In my experience I have seen thin women ask in astonishment, "how did she get him?" when seeing a BBW being escorted by an attractive and buff male. It's annoying. The insinuation is like saying that attractive men are not from the same species as plus sized women, as if we have to perform some black magic trick or drug them into finding us desirable.
Keep this in mind when you are thinking about your submission.
Don't let a negative body image distract you, take away your pleasure, or ruin your submission.
One of the ways in which it isn't challenging is in finding play partners that are attracted to full figured women.
It is a myth that attractive, educated, intelligent, witty men are only attracted to women that resemble prepubescent boys wearing short skirts and sporting a set of inflatable boobs. Think I'm just assuaging a jealousy I won't admit to? Do a Google search for "BBW porn". I did, just to have statistical information to support my claim - and you'll get a listing of roughly 25,600,000 sites to chose from. Honestly, if there wasn't a demand for it, would there be so many sites dedicated to offering and charging for access to it? And that is just one search phrase on one search engine.
In my experience I have seen thin women ask in astonishment, "how did she get him?" when seeing a BBW being escorted by an attractive and buff male. It's annoying. The insinuation is like saying that attractive men are not from the same species as plus sized women, as if we have to perform some black magic trick or drug them into finding us desirable.
Keep this in mind when you are thinking about your submission.
- If do not carry yourself with pride, you are not showing the world and your Dominant how proud you are to be a submissive.
- If you are self-conscious during a scene or playtime, you are not being submitting to your Dominant because you should not care what you look like, but only pleasing and obeying.
- If you are always worrying about being graceful or looking silly when in some submissive position your Dominant puts you in, your mind is not in submissive mode, but elsewhere.
Don't let a negative body image distract you, take away your pleasure, or ruin your submission.
- Appreciate all that your body can do. Every day your body carries you closer to your dreams. Celebrate all of the amazing things your body does for you — running, dancing, breathing, laughing, dreaming, etc.
- Keep a top-ten list of things you like about yourself — things that aren’t related to how much you weight or what you look like. Read your list often. Add to it as you become aware of more things to like about yourself.
- Remind yourself that “true beauty” is not simply skin deep. When you feel good about yourself and who you are, you carry yourself with a sense of confidence, self-acceptance, and openness that makes you beautiful regardless of whether you physically look like a supermodel. Beauty is a state of mind, not a state of your body.
- Look at yourself as a whole person. When you see yourself in a mirror or in your mind, choose not to focus on specific body parts. See yourself as you want others to see you – as a whole person.
- Avoid looking at fashion magazines or catalogs that endorse emaciated women as the beauty ideal.
- Throw the scale away!!!
- Never forget You ARE Good enough!
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Body image.
It is something that we rarely talk about in the scene and yet, so many of us struggle with it. Are you someone who hesitates to strip down to nothing at that play party because you are plagued with a negative body image? Do you hold back in a scene because you are consumed with thoughts of how you look in a scene instead of being able to find joy and pleasure in your play? Or are you a Top who has a submissive who is having difficulty connecting with you because she is more of a slave to food and body obsession than to you?
It seems like there is a whole generation of us that grew up with body-hatred, feeling imperfect and not-beautiful, no matter what we looked like. Too thin, too fat, to busty, too flat, too tall, too short, wide hips, no hips, too much ass, not enough. A never-ending litany of what is wrong with us physically, reinforced by images on television, in movies and in print that we could never hope to live up to; growing up understanding that how we look is the most important thing about us. And that it was never good enough.
The scene offers some wonderful things that the vanilla world does not. While we come from all walks of life, BDSMers all have a love for the alternative. We are not people who spend every Wednesday night engaged in military-style intercourse. We love passion, the power exchange, and the magic of sexual self-expression. This attitude translates, generally speaking, into a more open-minded attitude toward size, not to mention age, gender, race, and orientation.
Unlike our vanilla friends who rarely see large naked bodies, we have many opportunities through play parties and demos to look at, get used to, and eventually admire the soft curves of fat people. It is at first astounding, and then liberating to see a large man or woman walk around a play party stark naked, proud of their body, fully loved. It's hard not to like someone who likes herself so much.
I discovered with time and support from my Padrone that my body, with its ability to do all these things we do, to transform pleasure into pain, to bend and twist and tolerate being bound, to find pleasure in all this, was an asset. He always looks at me appreciatively, and, suddenly, I wasn’t invisible. I was fulfilling one of the most fundamental cores that I had been raised to believe was the most important thing in being female—being attractive to men—and I reveled in it. From the time He took me on as his slave, I have not looked back. Sure, I have times I think or verbalize I wish this was different, this was smaller, or that not so saggy. He gives me 'the look' and I snap out of it really quick!
The thing about body issues is that everyone has them, women and men, thin and fat, you and me. If you want to get over self-criticism, here are some things you can try. Start by communicating with your body, using affirmations to find the beautiful parts about yourself, not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually. Listen to what your body has to say, and respect your own path. This is the foundation of self-love. If you love yourself, loving your body will follow.
On the practical side, go to some play parties or other public situations where you will be able to observe people of all sizes and shapes enjoying themselves. Replace any critical thoughts in your head with positive ones about the beauty of their bodies, whether it be good skin, soft curves, great butt to spank, strong muscles, or wonderful handfuls of breasts. Talk to your friends about what beautiful thing you saw in this larger person. If it's not a physical attribute, notice their courage for playing in public, their love of their own body, or their unself-consciousness. For the female Dominant, size can be an advantage, projecting a powerful physical presence which attracts Submissives. If you have this advantage, use it.
With time, support, and a lot of self reflection, you too can become comfortable with and learn to love your body, no matter the shape.
It is something that we rarely talk about in the scene and yet, so many of us struggle with it. Are you someone who hesitates to strip down to nothing at that play party because you are plagued with a negative body image? Do you hold back in a scene because you are consumed with thoughts of how you look in a scene instead of being able to find joy and pleasure in your play? Or are you a Top who has a submissive who is having difficulty connecting with you because she is more of a slave to food and body obsession than to you?
It seems like there is a whole generation of us that grew up with body-hatred, feeling imperfect and not-beautiful, no matter what we looked like. Too thin, too fat, to busty, too flat, too tall, too short, wide hips, no hips, too much ass, not enough. A never-ending litany of what is wrong with us physically, reinforced by images on television, in movies and in print that we could never hope to live up to; growing up understanding that how we look is the most important thing about us. And that it was never good enough.
The scene offers some wonderful things that the vanilla world does not. While we come from all walks of life, BDSMers all have a love for the alternative. We are not people who spend every Wednesday night engaged in military-style intercourse. We love passion, the power exchange, and the magic of sexual self-expression. This attitude translates, generally speaking, into a more open-minded attitude toward size, not to mention age, gender, race, and orientation.
Unlike our vanilla friends who rarely see large naked bodies, we have many opportunities through play parties and demos to look at, get used to, and eventually admire the soft curves of fat people. It is at first astounding, and then liberating to see a large man or woman walk around a play party stark naked, proud of their body, fully loved. It's hard not to like someone who likes herself so much.
I discovered with time and support from my Padrone that my body, with its ability to do all these things we do, to transform pleasure into pain, to bend and twist and tolerate being bound, to find pleasure in all this, was an asset. He always looks at me appreciatively, and, suddenly, I wasn’t invisible. I was fulfilling one of the most fundamental cores that I had been raised to believe was the most important thing in being female—being attractive to men—and I reveled in it. From the time He took me on as his slave, I have not looked back. Sure, I have times I think or verbalize I wish this was different, this was smaller, or that not so saggy. He gives me 'the look' and I snap out of it really quick!
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| Model: Arachnia |
The thing about body issues is that everyone has them, women and men, thin and fat, you and me. If you want to get over self-criticism, here are some things you can try. Start by communicating with your body, using affirmations to find the beautiful parts about yourself, not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually. Listen to what your body has to say, and respect your own path. This is the foundation of self-love. If you love yourself, loving your body will follow.
On the practical side, go to some play parties or other public situations where you will be able to observe people of all sizes and shapes enjoying themselves. Replace any critical thoughts in your head with positive ones about the beauty of their bodies, whether it be good skin, soft curves, great butt to spank, strong muscles, or wonderful handfuls of breasts. Talk to your friends about what beautiful thing you saw in this larger person. If it's not a physical attribute, notice their courage for playing in public, their love of their own body, or their unself-consciousness. For the female Dominant, size can be an advantage, projecting a powerful physical presence which attracts Submissives. If you have this advantage, use it.
Developing a Healthy Body Image
- Listen to your body. Eat when you are hungry.
- Be realistic about the size you are likely to be based on your genetic and environmental history.
- Exercise regularly in an enjoyable way, regardless of size.
- Expect normal weekly and monthly changes in weight and shape.
- Work towards self acceptance and self forgiveness- be gentle with yourself.
- Ask for support and encouragement from friends and family when life is stressful.
- Decide how you wish to spend your energy -- pursuing the "perfect body image" or enjoying family, friends, school and, most importantly, life.
Think of the three A's
- Attention: Refers to listening for and responding to internal cues (i.e., hunger, satiety, fatigue).
- Appreciation: Refers to appreciating the pleasures your body can provide.
- Acceptance: Refers to accepting what is -- instead of longing for what is not.
With time, support, and a lot of self reflection, you too can become comfortable with and learn to love your body, no matter the shape.
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