--> May 2013 | BDSM Unveiled

Being a BBW, that's the acronym for Big Beautiful Woman for those who don't know, and kinky can be challenging in a multitude of ways.

One of the ways in which it isn't challenging is in finding play partners that are attracted to full figured women.

Play partners are attracted to full figured women.

It is a myth that attractive, educated, intelligent, witty men are only attracted to women that resemble prepubescent boys wearing short skirts and sporting a set of inflatable boobs. Think I'm just assuaging a jealousy I won't admit to? Do a Google search for "BBW porn". I did, just to have statistical information to support my claim - and you'll get a listing of roughly 25,600,000 sites to chose from. Honestly, if there wasn't a demand for it, would there be so many sites dedicated to offering and charging for access to it? And that is just one search phrase on one search engine.

"how did she get him?"

In my experience I have seen thin women ask in astonishment, "how did she get him?" when seeing a BBW being escorted by an attractive and buff male. It's annoying. The insinuation is like saying that attractive men are not from the same species as plus sized women, as if we have to perform some black magic trick or drug them into finding us desirable.

Keep this in mind when you are thinking about your submission.

If do not carry yourself with pride, you are not showing the world and your Dominant how proud you are to be a submissive.

  • If do not carry yourself with pride, you are not showing the world and your Dominant how proud you are to be a submissive.
  • If you are self-conscious during a scene or playtime, you are not being submitting to your Dominant because you should not care what you look like, but only pleasing and obeying. 
  • If you are always worrying about being graceful or looking silly when in some submissive position your Dominant puts you in, your mind is not in submissive mode, but elsewhere. 
Your goal is to please your Dominant, no matter the situation, so you have to let go of all of the negative body images you think about yourself and say, 'you know I like what I see because it's all me!'

'you know I like what I see because it's all me!'

Don't let a negative body image distract you, take away your pleasure, or ruin your submission.

  1. Appreciate all that your body can do.  Every day your body carries you closer to your dreams.  Celebrate all of the amazing things your body does for you — running, dancing, breathing, laughing, dreaming, etc.
  2. Keep a top-ten list of things you like about yourself — things that aren’t related to how much you weight or what you look like. Read your list often. Add to it as you become aware of more things to like about yourself.
  3. Remind yourself that “true beauty” is not simply skin deep.  When you feel good about yourself and who you are, you carry yourself with a sense of confidence, self-acceptance, and openness that makes you beautiful regardless of whether you physically look like a supermodel.  Beauty is a state of mind, not a state of your body.
  4. Look at yourself as a whole person. When you see yourself in a mirror or in your mind, choose not to focus on specific body parts. See yourself as you want others to see you – as a whole person.
  5. Avoid looking at fashion magazines or catalogs that endorse emaciated women as the beauty ideal.
  6. Throw the scale away!!!
  7. Never forget You ARE Good enough!
Start today so you can become not only a better submissive, but a more confident person.

Become not only a better submissive, but a more confident person.

check also this:

Post title: " BBW in BDSM "
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Many new people to the world of BDSM don't have the education and/or experience to tell the difference of what is considered 'normal' and what is abuse in the BDSM Lifestyle.

Here is a list of things to look out for that are obvious signs of an Abuser posing as a Dominant.

difference between BDSM and Abuse - BDSM relationships

  • Controlling behavior due to fear of losing their partner.
  • Isolating the submissive from family and friends
  • Discouraging self sufficient behavior
  • Not allowing any social interaction which does not include the Dominant
  • Out of control jealousy
  • Explosive temper
  • Behaves like a spoiled child when not getting his/her way
  • Abuses drugs/alcohol
  • Does not take responsibility for mistakes
  • Uses unhealthy behavior to gain control over the submissive
  • Emotional Blackmail - example: Keeping the submissive in a constant state of fear that the relationship will end if they don't get their way.
  • Emotional Withdrawal - example: Using the "silent treatment" or physically withdrawing and cutting off all contact rather than communicating and taking responsibility for the situation.
  • Withdrawal of affection
  • Refusing any/all intimacy as a punishment which can be quite damaging and reinforces the fear that the submissive will lose the relationship unless he/she gives into this type of blackmail.
If your Dominant shows any of these signs on a consistent basis, please seek advice or help from experienced Dominants or subs to get an unbiased opinion of the situation.

knowledge is power - difference between BDSM and Abuse

Post title: " Warning Signs of a Fake Dominant "
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I just want to thank all of you that have bought my book BDSM Basics for Beginners and for those that have showed support to me by donating to us on Paypal. I don't do this for the money, but for my love of the BDSM Lifestyle and hoping that my own experiences can help others to find their own way into this life.

If you have bought the book, please go to the site you purchased it from and rate it. 

I hope you guys continue to find my blogs informative and please feel free to ask serious questions about the lifestyle. I will try my best to answer.

Remember, you can follow me on many different outlets:


Michelle Fegatofi

Post title: " Just a Quick Thank You! "
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Respect is very important in the lifestyle.
A Master’s place is above a submissive or slave and when you are a slave, your place is of complete submission. A Master is very flexible and fair, but rules are important. One of the biggest rules is respect for your Master and those around Him at all times. Failure to do so not only embarrasses those around you, but your Master as well. To embarrass your Master is to cause shame not only on Him but yourself. You represent your Master and if He is not pleased then you are not worthy of His presence.

Sometimes we say things that are mean or hurtful during an argument or disagreement. We also might be very disrespectful or thoughtless with our choice of words if we are stressed or sick. But, as submissives or slaves, we have an extra responsibility to ourselves, our training, and most of all, our Dominants, to think before we speak, even in highly volatile or emotional periods.

Words have power. People are pretty careless with the words they choose when in an emotional or stressful situation. Your words will define who you are and who you are not. Contrary to what many people think, once the words are out of your mouth, no amount of apologizing will put them back in. I know it is really hard to stop when you are so pissed off at your Dominant during an argument, but it is your duty to think. Just because you are in a highly emotional state, don’t ruin your relationship or get your collar taken away by being so careless with your words.

Being a sub or slave means to give all of yourself and to be an example to those around you. Behaving in a manner not befitting a slave shows your training and extends to your Master. People will think of Him as to soft and unworthy of leadership. Therefore a slave should always behave and become a model for others to follow. Master's teachings should be ever present in her everyday activities including in public.

If you are out without your Master, you should always remember what you were taught and your guidelines of how to react if certain situations arise. Even if your Master is not with you and there is no way he would ever find out about your behavior, it is your duty to watch your words, actions, and the way you present yourself to the world because you are a reflection of Him.

I am not saying that you should not defend yourself if you are verbally assaulted or someone says something rude to you, but take the high road and don’t stoop to that level. If you can, just walk away because you are better than getting into street arguments.

The main thing to remember is to always think before you speak. Always remember your place and the respect you have for you Master and yourself.

Post title: " Respect and Submission "
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The Purest Commitment
by Michelle Fegatofi

The Love of a Master can not be compared to anything else in this Life,
For a Master's Love is unbreakable through all manner of woes, illness and strife.
As people in your life come and go, even family drifts away,
A submissive always knows her Master is there to stay.
A bond so deep and pure, that it sets your heart to leaping,
A Love so very strong, simply witnessing it will have you weeping.
Our rituals and ways seem brutal and foreign to many across the land,
But nothing compares to the feelings of being taken in hand.
As Master commands, we serve with pride in any way His will may be,
For the love we share and the trust we feel, allows us to serve freely and proudly on bended knee.

Post title: " The Purest Commitment "
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Pet Play or Animal roleplay may be either a non-sexual or an erotic sexual role-play (when it may also be called petplay, ponyplay, ponyism or pup-play).
In its erotic sexual role-play form, one or more of the participants takes on the role of a real or imaginary animal in character, including appropriate mannerisms and behavior, and sometimes a partner will act as another animal or in a sexual context may take the role of rider, trainer, or caretaker (or even breeding partner).

Pet play in BDSM

The principal theme of animal role play is usually the voluntary or involuntary reduction (or transformation) of a human being to animal status, and focus on the altered mind-space created. The most common examples are probably canines (pup, dog, wolf), felines (cat, kitten, lion) or equines (pony, horse). Animal role play is also used in a BDSM context, where a person may be humiliated by being treated as an animal.

Not all Pet Play is animalistic behavior. Sometimes you just want to dress up as an animal and have some fun.

Pet play in BDSM

Why pet play?

One large reason many D/s couples go into pet play is for the humiliation and dependence aspect. Restricting a submissive’s movement and vocalizations forces them to be that much more dependent on their Dom. Also, not being allowed on furniture or having to use a litter box instead of a toilet can be very humiliating for some.

Another is because it is simply fun. It is a great psychological and emotional release to be able to come home and let loose the restrictions of humanity and what humans are “supposed to be like.” It is just plain fun to bat around a cat toy or play tricks and get treat rewards. It could also be described as a “de-stressing” process from the rigors of daily life, especially if the participants work outside the

Pet play in BDSM

It can help with submission, as taking away some parts of the submissive’s humanity can help take away their sense of equality. It can help the submissive orient their mind to their Dom being their focus in life.

Pet play could also be used as punishment. If the submissive misbehaves badly it could be punishment to be put out in the pig stalls with the pigs for a period of time, or whatever animal is available, and made to act like that animal as the punishment.

Puppy training has become really popular with some dominants and masters to help their submissives know what it means to be completely dependent on another and also to teach them how to respond to non verbal and verbal clues quicker and more effectively. Some submissives have been taught their place again by just incorporating a few days of puppy play into the relationship every few months. Being a puppy gives one lots of time to think and this also helps when a submissive or slave has lost their way.

Pet play in BDSM

How does one engage in pet play?
  • Restrict movement via bondage.
  • Restrict verbal communication, perhaps to only certain words or animal sounds such as “woof!” or “mew!” or more child-like words such as “up!” or “potty!”.
  • Training exercises such as tricks for puppies, walking on leads and leashes or for ponies pulling a cart/plow.
  • Eating and drinking out of bowls without the use of hands and/or silverware.
  • Learning to use a litter box instead of a toilet, or even going outside.
  • Playing with toys, such as batting toys for kitties or tug-of-war toys for puppies.
  • Begging in the manner of the animal you identify with, such as a puppy whining.
  • Caging.
  • Not being allowed on furniture without permission.

Pet play in BDSM

Pet play can get a lot more specific if one looks at each relationship and the animal(s) involved. A note though; pet play sometimes can be sexual, and sometimes can be completely non-sexual. It, as with everything else, simply depends on the couple involved. Please keep in mind that I am in no way speaking of bestiality. This is two or more human beings acting and role playing within the confines of their negotiated relationship.

Post title: " Human Pet Play in BDSM "
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I wanted to take a minute and welcome all of my new readers.

I hope you find my posts very interesting and helpful for your own path into the world of BDSM. I suggest you look in the past archives and browse those articles to see if any might peak your interest or be helpful.

You can also sign up to follow my blog to the right so you always are kept up to date when I post new things. 

You can also follow me on the web here:

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I have written a book for those that are new to the BDSM Lifestyle or those of you that want to know more about it. You can purchase a copy here:

Lulu (Paperback, PDF, ePub)  http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/MichelleFegatofi 

Amazon (Paperback)        http://www.amazon.com/Bdsm-Basics-Beginners-Dominants-Submissives/

Barnes and Noble (Nook book)  http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/bdsm-basics-for-beginners-a-guide-for-dominants-and-submissives

Apple iBook store   https://itunes.apple.com/us/book/isbn9781300838609

 If you ever have questions or want to ask me something, you can message me at the FB page BDSM International.

Thanks again for following!

Michelle Fegatofi

Post title: " Welcome to All of My New Readers! "
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"Don’t try to be someone you aren’t. You will hate yourself for it and the effort to maintain the façade will exhaust you." ~ Larry Winget

Being proud is all about questioning and arriving at your own conclusion. Those who embrace who they are with high esteem are able to formulate their lives as they see fit. People who are involved in the BDSM world seem to fit into this category. One typically does not find an alternative lifestyle without questioning the traditional. Most everyone I met within the lifestyle went through this process to one degree or another.

Because BDSM is so misunderstood, people often experience shame and self-hatred before coming out as BDSM participants. Secrecy about one's sexual desires can lead to problems with spouses and difficulty connecting with their community for fear of being "found out".

While mainstream culture fetishizes, for example, breasts and lacy black negligees, kinky people often have similar interests in leather, rubber or feet. Other forms of BDSM involve sexual practices that play with power dynamics between partners, unusual forms of stimulation such as "pain" (think: hickies or biting at the height of sexual passion), constraint or sensory deprivation or "dark" emotions such as fear, anxiety and anger played in a theater of eroticism. There is wide variety within this community: some people merely incorporate some kinky practices into a private sexual life as a couple, while others live a total BDSM lifestyle.

Even though mainstream society has its opinions about how we live, the truth is there are thousands of people who think exactly how you do. Therefore, it is in your best interest to not feel the shame that society tries to bestow upon people who are "different".

Everything you can think of is contained under the umbrella of BDSM. Yet, there are many who want to shame others for their preferences.

This is where pride comes in. Just because some others (or the masses even) do not agree with your preferences, that does not mean that you should not be proud of who you are. Whatever your fetish, take pride in your desires. There is nothing wrong with them. Shed those Puritan ideals who instill so much guilt into people and be free. Why should a woman be ashamed of liking sex (a lot)? It is only because of an archaic belief system that this concept exists. If you like sex, and get a lot of it (i.e. a slut), be proud. So what if some do not approve.

I hid myself for many years from everyone, especially my family. After becoming a 24/7 live-in slave to my Padrone, I decided from the beginning to not hide that fact from my family, friends, or anyone else. I wear my collar with pride all the time, it literally never comes off. We don't shouve our choice of relationship into people's faces, nor do we hide it either. I call him Padrone all the time, in public and in front of my family.

I understand many of you may not be able to do that because of your jobs or associations you have in your vanilla lives. But, if you really are serious about living a real life BDSM relationship with your partner, then start taking steps to slowly break it to your family and your friends. There are many ways you can still respect your D/s relationship in a vanilla setting, you just have to find that balance.

If you want to try to break the news to your parents, I suggest you start by maintaining what I call lite D/s around them. Things like having your submissive get your drink, maybe calling you a specific name or title, sitting in a certain position (floor, to your left, ect) and allowing your family to get used to that. Then, if you think they can handle more information, tell them a little about D/s using the analogy of a 1950s style relationship where the man is the head of the household and the woman does as he says and abides by his decisions.

There are many ways to do it, you just have to go with what you think will make everyone the most comfortable. But, I do encourage you to start living your lifestyle in the open and taking pride in it.

Post title: " Proudly Living a BDSM Lifestyle in the Open "
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I normally don't post anything from others, but felt this post from a good friend, needed sharing.


By Tammie Pourner in BdsmForBeginners

Structure is incredibly useful for persons suffering with depression. Setting clear, attainable daily tasks (even if your dynamic is long distance) can do a lot to keep a depressed mood from becoming inability to get out of bed. In the worst times, it may have to be something as simple as "You must go to work 4 days out of 5 every week. You must take a shower every other day at 10:30pm." Simple, everyday tasks can be easier to tolerate if they're turned into power dynamic chores, rather than just one more thing they have to try to manage on their own. Professional programs force clients to live by strict rules about when they wake up, when they eat, when they shower, etc, and having those things become automated means that they don't have to make any decisions about it.

On the flip side of that, though, is patience. When depression is at its worst, things you don't even consider on a daily basis become arduous tasks. Deciding what to wear can feel like a herculean task, which is why so many who suffer from depression wear their pajamas for days on end. Some of these things can be incorporated into your power dynamic, but you also need to be aware that some days your sub will not be able to achieve these tasks. At that point, you should also have a boundary which, when crossed, makes professional intervention mandatory. (If they cannot hold down simple self care tasks for longer than a week, and they're not in any sort of professional therapy, this is a good start.)

Your submissive may fantasize about total power exchanges, where they're no longer responsible for the simplest of decisions in their life. This is almost always counter productive if they are actively symptomatic and/or not in treatment. You may use this to your advantage, to encourage active participation in therapeutic processes -- the more they engage their treatment, the more power you take from them. It can create some odd exchanges, like, "If you meet all of your therapists' requests this week, I will give you one day where all of your decisions will be made by Me."

Find and use non-sexual ways of establishing your power dynamic. Frequently, depression and the meds used to treat it can kill sexual desire. This does not always lessen the submissive's desire to serve. Perhaps just sitting at your feet and being stroked and comforted when things are at their most challenging helps remind them of the power dynamic without bringing sex into it at all.

Make sure you're spending time with people who aren't depressed. There is an energetic field around those suffering from depression that loves to latch onto others. Frequently, long term partners of depressives seek out therapy so they can maintain their grip on their own functionality while assisting their partner.

Make it clear to your sub that suicide threats will always be taken seriously. You are not a professional (unless you are, and then you're under different strictures) and should not try to differentiate between suicidal ideation (talking about suicide as an option) and planning to kill oneself. Once you take a stand, stick to it no matter how difficult it may be. Fifteen percent of patients with MDD will kill themselves, and many of them will show marked signs of their decision, but won't discuss it before it happens. Know the signs of suicidal tendencies and act when you feel uncomfortable, even if it's just calling your submissive's therapist and discussing your feelings with them.

Post title: " When Your Submissive Suffers from Clinical Depression "
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Many of you have read about the Gorean Lifestyle while researching BDSM or reading my blog.
I didn't realize that I had not done a more in depth post about it to explain what it is. I hope this helps you understand it more.

In 1967 John Norman (real name John Frederick Lange Jr.) released a book called Tarnsman of Gor, a book detailing life on Gor and its inhabitants. This turned into a series with 26 books in print today, called Chronicles of Gor. His books are carefully detailed that explain everything from Gorean food to Gorean rituals, and focus on adventures in Gor and the natural role of genders. Gorean philosophy believes that men have a natural drive to dominate women; women have a strong desire to submit to men and give up their rights. Women are either free or enslaved, but free women can be enslaved at any time.

The majority of Goreans who pursue a "lifestyle" approach often do not consider what they do to be BDSM. However, they are generally considered part of the "kinky" subculture. In that context, they reject the idea of isolated "scenes". Instead, their practices may be described as 24/7, dominance & submission, and/or Total Power Exchange relationships. BDSM concepts of servitude and slavery typically play a key role in Gorean dynamics.

Gor is comparatively more intense than other lifestyles, because Gor does not depend on scening. People who follow Gor do not consider it to be a role-play, or a scene, but in fact say that they are leading the lifestyle - which cannot be denied because there are after all twenty seven books that outline the life and times of the Gorean region.

There are Gorean role players, both online and in real life, who play a "role" of a Gorean, usually having to do with masters and slaves. What makes someone a role player is that this isn't really how they live their real life, and they differentiate between Gor and reality. They often refer to "Gor" or being "in Gor" as opposed to being in reality. It is like a part time thing or a hobby for these individuals.

There are many Goreans out there that don't just role-play the Gorean lifestyle, many of them not being role-players at all. In fact, they live the Gorean life on a 24/7 basis. They too call themselves Goreans and they too subscribe to the principles described in the books written by John Norman.

Most Goreans live a counter version of the BDSM Master/slave lifestyle that is filled with rules and protocols defined in the books of Gor. The books give them a rule set so to speak to define their lifestyle dynamic. A dynamic that any Gorean you talk to is likely to say, they'd practice it no other way.

Most of these households, groups and "camps" seem to focus mainly on the "Warrior" and Master/slave aspects of the books, and many have gone far beyond the bounds of legality or what most of us see as sanity or reason in terms of that they deem acceptable in their actions and dealings with others.

Philosophy of Gorean Slavery

  • Goreans believe that women have a natural desire to be slaves. Every woman has this desire.
  • Women have a huge desire to please men. They strive for perfection. They want to be submissive. Women want to be controlled by men. A man's word is final.
  • Gor strictly believes in the 'natural order'. There aren't any exceptions to this rule. Men always dominate, women always submit.
  • All women 'beg the collar' (desire a master). Women slaves are collared once owned and beg to
    be owned, according to Gorean philosophy.
  • Masters consider their slaves property. They are to keep their property in top condition. If slaves don't meet their standards, they are disciplined. This involves punishment, including imprisonment and whippings.
  • Although Gorean philosophy says that all women have rights, free women can be enslaved at any time.


Types of Gorean Slaves

  • White Silk Slaves: A woman slave who hasn't lost her virginity. This is indicated by tying a white ribbon to her collar.
  • Red Silk Slaves: A woman slave that has had sex. This is indicated by tying a red ribbon to her collar.
Slaves are separated into these categories:
  • Pleasure Slave: A slave trained in the arts of pleasure, including slave dance, slave positions (note: these are not sexual positions, but positions used in their culture), cooking, being pleasant, and sexual services.
  • Passion Slave: A slave trained and used for sexual services only.
  • Feast Slaves: A slave that serves food along with other personal services decide by their master.
  • Serving Slaves: A slave usually owned by a woman master. They prepare warm baths, help remove clothing, comb hair, and complete most domestic chores.
  • House Girls: Same as Serving Slaves, but they only complete domestic chores. They are owned
    by Masters. 

This does not include all categories. Gorean slaves typically wear a tunic and a collar. Followers of Gor believe Gorean slaves have rights of being a woman. They want to perform, act, and be a woman. Being a woman, according to Gorean philosophy, is pleasing a man in various ways.

Rights of a Gorean Slave

  • Once you are a Gorean slave, you lose all human rights. Anything you did before enslavement is erased from your past. You are not to talk about it, since your identity is kajira, a slave.
  • Slaves aren't seen as people. They are, according to Gorean followers, human animals.
  • Masters make decisions for them. They lose rights to their name. Their master chooses their name, although slaves are not allowed to refer to themselves by name.
  • Their master can discipline or destroy their property at any time. Gorean law fully supports this.
  • A kajira's only goal in life is to bring pleasure and comfort to their master.
  • There are different types of women slaves. Some slaves purely serve as sexual objects, while others are masterful at cooking.
  • Slaves do not question anything. They do as they are told. Refusal to do anything results in discipline.
  • Slaves must strive for perfection.
  • Not only must slaves do their work well, but it must be done in a feminine, graceful way that expresses their sexuality.
  • Gorean women retain the right to refuse slavery. If a master wants to enslave a woman and she refuses, however, she may be killed.
As you can see, there are many differences in being a Gorean kajira and a BDSM submissive/slave. Which and how you choose to practice either Lifestyle is up to you.

Post title: " The Gorean Lifestyle "
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