--> May 2014 | BDSM Unveiled

If you have been around the BDSM Lifestyle, you have probably heard the term Safeword.
What is a safeword? When is it used? Why would a person use it? I've written about safe words in various posts, but more in depth in my Limits in BDSM article. Recently, the topic has come up in various groups, so I decided to write a comprehensive article about them.

BDSM Safe Word

A safeword is a code word or series of code words that are sometimes used for a submissive to communicate their physical or emotional state to a dominant, typically when approaching, or crossing, a physical, emotional, or moral boundary

any different words for a Safe Word in BDSM

Some safewords are used to stop the scene outright, while others can communicate a willingness to continue, but at a reduced level of intensity. Safewords are usually agreed upon before playing a scene by all participants, and many organized BDSM groups have standard safewords that all members agree to use to avoid confusion at organized play events.

There are many advantages to having a safeword. The first is that sexual experimentation with your partner should always feel fun and safe. Whether you're tying each other to the bedposts or role-playing for the first time, establishing a safeword makes both partners comfortable that the situation can end at any sign of discomfort.

well... keep calm and use a Safe Word (in BDSM)

Safewords of BDSM falls under the guiding philosophy of safe, sane and consensual (SSC). Those who practice the more permissive philosophy of risk-aware consensual kink (RACK) may abandon the use of safewords, especially those that practice forms of edgeplay or extreme forms of dominance and submission. In such cases, the choice to give up the use of safewords is a consensual act on the part of the submissive and excepted by the Dominant.

BDSM: Safe, Sane and Consensual

When you and your partner establish a safeword, you need to choose something that is easy for both of you to remember, no matter what is going on. The safeword needs to be free of sexual connotations. "No" and "stop" make bad safewords, because those are words that might be said as part of sex play. For example, if you and your partner go to a bar and one of you is pretending to pick up the other as a stranger, "Stop hitting on me," or "No, I won't go home with you" are potentially confusing if "no" or "stop" is the safeword.

try not to forget your BDSM Safe Word

Since a scene may become too intense for a submissive partner to remember what the safeword is, in practice commonly the words safeword or red are also used as safewords. They are often the default at many play parties, or respected as a safeword in addition to any negotiated safeword. A dungeon monitor would likely expect either of those words to be respected.

Yellow, Red and Green. Standard BDSM Safewords Signals

Some partners may also have different gradations of safewords, such as green to mean "Okay" or even "harder" or "more", yellow to mean "slow down" or "stop doing that" without stopping the scene, and red to mean "stop the scene". In this fashion, a dominant partner may ask the submissive partner "What is your color?" to check with a submissive partner without having to stop the scene.

If your partner says the safe word, you need to stop whatever you are doing. Immediately remove yourselves from the sexual aspect of the situation. A safeword is usually used by the bottom, but can be used by all participants in a scene, including tops, dungeon masters at play parties, and sometimes even observers

when a BDSM safeword is used everything must stop

For example, a bottom may misbehave intentionally to indicate the desire for harsher treatment, and sometimes a top will need to safeword the scene to let them know it has gone too far for the top to continue the scene. Or, a third party observing a scene may have the ability to spot something dangerous going on that both the top and bottom have missed, and need to stop the scene to point it out.

If a submissive is gagged and unable to speak during a scene, you and your partner need to agree on a couple of hand signals that are easy to use and remember. During the a scene of this nature, the dominant needs to stop periodically and check in with the submissive to ensure the sub is ok to continue.

example of BDSM hand signals... you can make your own..

If and when your partner feels comfortable, talk about what went wrong or what made your partner uneasy. Do not press for an explanation, though, because the whole reason the safe word exists is to eliminate the need for an explanation to stop a scenario. Likewise, if you are the one to say the safe word, your partner must immediately respect your need to stop.

Remember, choose something odd but that you both remember and always respect your partner by stopping immediately if the safeword is used.

Safewords in BDSM

Post title: " Safewords in BDSM "
by: Michelle Fegatofi signature Red line

With the flood of new people coming online and trying to learn about the world of BDSM, there has been a lot of confusion from many new submissives about what behavior is normal and what is abusive.

BDSM versus mental abuse

When in a BDSM relationship the key question between Dominance or abuse, is what's the purpose, and more importantly, does it serve any sort of benefit. BDSM is supposed to be a chance to learn about yourself and the person you're involved with. If nothing comes of an experience other than emotional pain, then it can very easily be considered abuse if the emotional pain wasn't wanted/consensual. 

the differences between BDSM and abuse

Knowing the signs of an abusive individual may help you avoid getting into emotional abuse in your future relationships. If your partner humiliates or insults you often, or isolates you from the people you love, it might be a clear indication that your partner may be more into the power trip than into pleasuring you by acting out your fantasies. You have the right to be treated with respect, you have the right to say no and leave.

emotional abuse

Emotional and mental abuse can often be found in many online relationships. While it may seem very obvious to people that have been in the Lifestyle for a while, new submissives might not realize what's going on, or may think that it's just a normal part of a healthy D/s relationship.

I won't get into specifics because there are too many different scenarios that could happen. Instead, here are some general things to look out for and evaluate closer if they happen to you on a regular basis in your own BDSM relationship.


no contact silence

This can come in two main forms:

(A) Silence when the Dominant doesn't allow the submissive to initiate any contact between them, making it a rule that any and all contact will come from him/her. This goes against one of the very foundations of a BDSM relationship - open, honest, two way communication. If the submissive feels they can't contact their Dominant even through email, they will feel alone, isolated, depressed, confused, and often unwanted. If the sub feels this very often, then they are being abused. 

silence as punishment

(B) Silence as punishment. Silence, or ignoring a submissive for punishment, is considered by some Dominants as an acceptable form of punishment. But a growing movement in many BDSM circles considers this to be a form of emotional abuse. A Dominant should know that a submissive will already punish themselves harsher and longer than their Dominant will if they make mistakes. Pleasing a Dominant and having him/her show pride in their submissive is one of the greatest pleasures a sub receives. If the Dominant ignores the sub to teach them a lesson, it only teaches them to feel alone, stupid and unworthy on top of whatever mental punishment they usually inflict on themselves. 

Extensive Punishment

Extensive Punishment

Most submissives get punished for various reasons from time to time. Some need more punishment than others while others crave punishment and try to trick the Dominant into it by being brats. If you are not a brat but get punished for every little mistake instead of the mistake being corrected at first, then this could be a form of mental abuse. If you constantly feel unworthy, stupid and unwanted because of the way and frequency your Dominant punishes you, then you need to step back from the relationship and look at it closer to determine if it is something you wish to continue with.

Manipulative Behavior

Manipulative Behavior

If your Dominant uses language or phrases in order to force you to perform an action against your will, that is mental abuse. An example could be telling the submissive they are a bad sub if they don't send naked pictures to their Dominant. 

Threatening to End the Relationship

Threatening to End the Relationship

If a Dominant consistently uses the threat of ending the relationship for almost any reason, that is emotional and mental abuse. This is not something that should ever be used unless the Dom or sub is absolutely sure they want to leave the relationship. 



Any threat or punishment that keeps the submissive in an almost constant state of fear is emotional abuse. If a Dominant is using fear to keep a submissive in line or in a relationship, the submissive should leave that relationship as soon as possible. In BDSM, there is good and bad fear. But to use fear against your submissive as a form of control constitutes abuse.

If you experience any of the above items, in any type of form, I urge you to step back and evaluate your relationship with your Dominant. Make sure you are not trapped in a constant state of fear, uncertainty, isolation, or unhappiness. Being in a real BDSM or D/s relationship should make you feel wanted, appreciated, and not alone.


After speaking to my Padrone about this article, he reminded me that there are some types of relationships in the BDSM world that are based on consensual abuse such as all different types of humiliation, as well as S and M based relationships that are extremely sadistic or masochistic in nature. Remember that every BDSM based relationship is different and diverse people have many diverse needs, so it is ultimately up to you to decide what type of relationship you want and need. 

Mental and Emotional Abuse in a BDSM Relationship

Post title: " Mental and Emotional Abuse in a BDSM Relationship "
by: Michelle Fegatofi signature Red line

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New Blog Look and Feel

Post title: " New Blog Look and Feel "
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Post title: " Michelle Fegatofi BDSM Educational Books Now Available on Kobo! "
by: Michelle Fegatofi signature Red line

The breakup of any relationship is difficult, but when dealing with a D/s or M/s dynamic, it is even harder.

The couple was probably both very emotionally invested in the relationship, on a much deeper level than a vanilla one.


When a BDSM Relationship Ends
From a submissive's point of view, breakups can often feel devastating. The submissive will feel alone, isolated, and scared. She will most likely not understand how to proceed on her own because she was so used to following orders and not making huge decisions.

Isolated submissive

How does a submissive recover from something like that? What are the next steps?

First, you have to grieve. 


Allow yourself the time to cry and morn the loss of your relationship. Don't keep the grief bottled up inside without acknowledging the pain, hurt, and disappointment. Accept the relationship is over and don't dwell on the 'what ifs'. Don't repeatedly go over things in your head of what could have been. Don't put yourself down as not having been good enough as a sub. Accept, morn, and get ready to move forward.

Second, take time for yourself.

Take time for yourself.

After the first week or so, you have to move forward with your life. After going through such an experience, you need to take some 'you' time. Take a couple of days or a week to just breath. Get your head together, take walks, focus on other things besides relationships. Try to read or watch things not BDSM related. If you do, it will likely cause a memory or reaction and send you backwards, into the grieving phase again. The idea behind taking this time for yourself is to help you move forward as a stronger person. You may be submissive, but that doesn't make you weak. Surround yourself with only things that make you happy, whether that is eating ice cream, drinking coffee, playing with animals, or sleeping.

Third, get back out there and live!

Munches, Gatherings, Online meetings

This is probably the hardest step. You have grieved and taken some much needed 'you time'. Now it's time to start going out again. Invest the time to make sure you know yourself well, know what you want in a future relationship, and have your limits in place. Go with friends to a club, out to dinner or drinks. Find your local Munch and slowly ease back into the lifestyle. Maybe try some online sites such as Fetlife.com or others. Just get back out there. It's normal to be cautious and smart. Don't jump into a relationship quickly. But, don't allow the hurt and pain from your past relationships to interfere with new possibilities. 

Learn to live again.

Even though a BDSM relationship ending is extremely emotional and painful, it doesn't mean it's the end for you. There can be a happily ever after. You just have to wait and be patient. It will come to you when you least expect it. 
Share your thoughts or tips on getting through a BDSM relationship breakup in the comments below. 

When a BDSM Relationship Ends

Post title: " When a BDSM Relationship Ends "
by: Michelle Fegatofi signature Red line

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Michelle Fegatofi

It was written by a longtime BDSM submissive slave for those that are searching for answers and trying to understand this internal need to submit and serve another. A need that has driven you to explore the internet, much of the time in secret, for fear of the unknown and the stigma attached to the BDSM Lifestyle. In this non fiction, educational book, lifestyle adviser Michelle Fegatofi guides you through the world of submission, explaining everything from the Basics of BDSM, to much more indepth topics such as dealing with conflicting emotions and avoiding fake Dominants. This all-in-one guide is a must have for new and inexperienced submissives.

BDSM Unveiled - non fiction educational book

Glance through the Table of Contents and the book today! Available online at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Apple iBookstore, and Lulu.com.

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Unveiled - The Secret Submissive Within - non fiction educational book

BDSM Unveiled - The Secret Submissive Within

Post title: " BDSM Unveiled - The Secret Submissive Within "
by: Michelle Fegatofi signature Red line

How to get in contact to/from regions where there is internet censorship

Last week Michelle was asked for advice by a follower on how to contact people to practice BDSM in Dubai.

Internet censorship around the world

As you probably know, Dubai (Middle East, one of the United Arab Emirates UAE) is one of the many countries where you can not see sites or “forbidden pages” - not only adult/sex related ("banned as activities against the perceived moral values"), because of their internet censorship.
I researched censorship in that area and found ways and tools to get around the blocks from those countries. Michelle then sent them to her follower.

access denied

Below are excerpts and links of what I have found. I am posting this small article for all the people around the world that don't know or need hints on how to get in contact to/from regions where there is internet censorship.

internet and censorship

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


Telecommunications in the United Arab Emirates is under the control and supervision of the Telecommunications Regulatory Authority (TRA) which was established under UAE Federal Law by Decree No. 3 of 2003. From 1976 to 2006 the Emirates Telecommunications Corporation (Etisalat) was the sole telephone and telecommunications provider for the UAE. And while there were exceptions for free zones and modern housing developments, for the majority of the UAE, Etisalat held a monopoly on business and personal telecommunications services. In February 2006 this monopoly became a duopoly when a new telephone company and Internet Service Provider, du was established to offer mobile services across the UAE and Internet and TV services to some free zone areas. Earlier du provided triple play services to free zone areas under the name Emirates Integrated Telecommunications Company (EITC), which is still its legal name.
Internet filtering in the UAE was listed as pervasive in the social and Internet tools areas, as substantial in the political area, and as selective in the conflict/security area by the OpenNet Initiative in August 2009. The UAE has been listed as "Under Surveillance" by Reporters Without Borders since 2008.
The United Arab Emirates censors the Internet using Secure Computing's solution. The nation's ISPs Etisalat and du (telco) ban pornography, politically sensitive material, all Israeli domains, and anything against the perceived moral values of the UAE. All or most VoIP services are blocked. The Emirates Discussion Forum, or simply uaehewar.net, has been subjected to multiple censorship actions by UAE authorities.
TRA instructs Etisalat and du to block parts of Wikipedia, all VoIP services such as Skype and SIP based services and some social networking services like hi5, Friendster, and all dating sites like Yahoo! Personals and Match.com. For political reasons, the entire Israeli internet domain, .il, is also blocked. Pro-Israeli content which does not use the "*.il" domain, however, is accessible (e.g. jpost.com - the website of the Jerusalem Post). A 2005 study, before du was established, also showed Etisalat sometimes block websites relating to the Bahá'í Faith.


...du (EITC) announced that all of its traffic would be routed via the UAE's censorship proxy which blocks access to any content deemed 'inappropriate'. du had been previously blocking VOIP services.
While Dubai Internet City sells itself as a business-friendly environment with excellent low cost connectivity, the reality is one of a heavily censored internet with prices that are 5-10 times the price of connectivity in Europe or the USA. In addition to webpage censorship, it is speculated that a variety of popular social networking services are blocked. Cheap calls to the UAE are not possible due to a termination charge of around 17p UK, (around 30 US cents) per minute imposed by the UAE phone networks. Internet connectivity in Dubai is expensive; a 0.5Mbit/s home connection costs around 200 AED per month (about 45 USD). The minimum internet connectivity package available for businesses at DIC is a 2Mbit/s connection with a 6GB monthly limit for around 800 AED (180 USD). Bandwidth beyond the 6GB limit is charged at a higher pro-rata rate than the first 6GB.

The UAE proxy can be bypassed by various methods including by setting up a VPN to connect securely to a server in another country to reduce the amount of Internet censorship, with the advantage that UAE authorities cannot 'snoop' on the traffic. While the UAE may block access to the web sites companies providing VPN services, it is possible to arrange overseas accounts. Such options significantly reduce costs as VOIP systems can be used; for companies who require access to services or content that is blocked, VPNs are a necessity.

STOP internet censorship

Useful links to get an idea of internet censorship in UAE





A tricky and difficult way to bypass internet censorship in Dubai


stand against anti BDSM internet censorship

Easiest ways to connect freely to the internet in countries with internet censorship



















banned sites by internet censorship

I hope that the above research will be useful for all of you involved in a way or another with internet censorship.

free internet from censorship across the world

Share your thoughts and comments!

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What do you think about internet censorship?
Do you have any suggestions or ideas? Comment after this post.

Marco Belcastro Bara aka Marco Fegatofi 

Internet Censorship and BDSM 

Post title: " Internet Censorship and BDSM "
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