--> November 2012 | BDSM Unveiled

I have been asked by many about different ways to punish unruly or misbehaving subs, when a Dominant should punish their sub and when they should be lenient.



Every BDSM relationship is different, so remember,  thoughts on punishments different greatly from couple to couple. Culture, age, and personality all play into the way people see punishment. Below is a mixture of my view on punishment as well as a generalization of what I have read on other blogs and in books about their feelings on the subject.

BDSM Submissive Punishment

My Padrone and I have the same thoughts and beliefs when it comes to punishment and hence practice this in our real life, live in, 24/7 Master / slave relationship. Punishment should only be given if a sub deliberately starts or causes trouble or breaks rules that were put in place for her safety. Punishment should doled out all the time because it can have lasting affects on the sub's mental and emotional well being. If you punish a sub for every slight infraction, it can start to make that sub feel worthless, instead of having the opposite effect of making them perform better.

BDSM Submissive Punishment

For the 'to punish or not to punish' question, that is entirely up to the Dominant. If you know your sub has difficulties when performing certain tasks for you, but she does perform them to the best of her ability, I would say that you should be understanding and encourage her to keep trying her best. If you punish her for not being able to perform perfectly on the first or even third try, but you see that she has improved, even slightly, then punishing her for not being perfect will just add to the aggravation and disappointment she already feels inside herself.


As a true submissive, she will most likely be feeling like she has let her Dominant down by not performing the task perfectly as he asked. I will use myself as an example of this. I have epilepsy and it does have a long lasting effect on my memory. There are days when I am very slow or something as routine as the steps for making coffee are difficult for me to remember. My Padrone knows me so well and is so in tune with me that he recognizes when I am in one of these 'zones'. I have given him a cup of hot water before because I forgot to add the actual coffee to the machine! He did not punish me or yell, he actually made me feel better because I felt really stupid and was very hard on myself. He helped me laugh about it, went with me back to the machine and told me step by step what to do so that it was still my task to do, but he guided me in my time of need. There are many other examples and stories I could share, but you can see what I mean when I say punishment should fit the circumstances.

Understanding Guiding Dominant


Now, if you give your sub a task like having dinner on the table when you get home from work and you find a sandwich when you were expecting a four course meal, you have to stop and think about the actual wording of the order. Did you just tell her to 'have dinner ready and on the table' by the time you get home? Or, did you say 'I want steak and mashed potatoes on the table' by the time I get home? When you give an order or task, make sure you do so in precise wording and are not vague, so there can be no misunderstandings. The more vague you are with a task or command, the more room for interpretation there is for the sub.

If your sub tends to be lazy and take the easiest way out when left with a vague order, I suggest you give her very precise orders where there is little or no room for interpretation. If she tends to be an overachiever or always exceeds your vague orders, then you are safe to continue, as you know she will always meet and beat your commands.

There are subs that love punishment or love to get punished, so they will constantly do things to make their Dominant angry and receive punishment. If you have one of these subs, I suggest you re-evaluate your relationship and how your punishment system works.

There are many different forms of punishment for both real life and cyber submissives. The main thing to remember is the point of punishment. When given, it should be done in a way to ensure the sub knows inside herself why she is being punished. It should also be done in some form or way that the submissive does not like.


As forms of punishments, a Dominant may ground, isolate, assign essays or line writing, time outs, have the slave kneel on ice/rice/pebbles, control what the sub eats, where they sleep, where they sit, or institute speech restrictions. There are many more forms of punishment, but these are the most widely used. If you notice, I left off spanking and flogging, as many subs are masochists and see these as not a form of punishment but a form of reward. So they will continue to act out just to get spanked more. 

Specific Unpleasant Chore
This can include things such as cleaning the stove, cleaning blinds and windows, scrubbing the floor with a toothbrush, detailing a car, etc. The Dominant can make a list of chores and rotate through them to avoid re-cleaning a recently cleaned item. Chores assigned as punishments should not include chores that are part of the submissives normal duties. It is important to distinguish normal chores from '"punishment chores" or the submissive may start to view all chores as punishment

Sleeping On The Floor (or somewhere other then normal sleep arrangements)
This punishment is can be effective for dealing with a submissive that has become too vanilla in manner. Because of social conditioning this punishment tends to stress the position of the submissive relative to the Dominant.

Standing In A Corner
This is an old standard. It gives the submissive time to think about the infraction. The length of time can vary from few minutes to an hour or more. It is suggested that the Dominant try this punishment for themselves, to get a sense of how difficult this punishment may or may not be for the length of time in question.


Writing Assignments Of Some Specific Length
This punishment is helpful when the Dominant wants the submissive to think about or research a subject. It is recommended that this punishment be used intermittently rather then regularly to keep the act of writing from taking on a negative connotation.

Kneeling On A Hard Surface
This is a very classic punishment that combines giving the submissive time to think about the infraction with mild physical discomfort. If the length of time to kneel will exceed 20 minutes it is recommended that a full 5 minute break be given after every 20 minutes. Kneeling for too long on a hard surface can cause nerve damage. It is also good to keep in mind that some submissives may not be able to kneel 20 minutes because of physical considerations. It may be that some submissives need to do cycles of 10 minutes of kneeling and 5 minutes of rest.

Kneeling On Uncooked Rice
Kneeling on a hard surface can be made more severe by dropping a handful of uncooked rice on the floor where the submissive is going to kneel. Once the time period is done, the submissive can be instructed to clean up the rice as part of bringing the punishment to a close. This is another punishment where is suggested the Dominant try it for themselves to get a feel of the punishment. The same cautions and time limits apply to this as when kneeling without the rice. The Dominant should also be aware that the rice sometimes causes marking of the skin. Lastly, do not use instant rice as it crumbles and defeats the purpose of using rice.

Food Restrictions
Obviously some common sense is required with using food restrictions as punishment. Being sent to bed without dinner is certainly not going to cause a healthy individual any harm. However, denying a diabetic food after they took their insulin could result in death. One suggested way to use food restrictions is to deny the submissive sweets for a period of time (days/weeks) as a punishment.

Restriction Of Computer, TV Privileges, Etc.
Restriction of recreational access to things such as the computer or TV can be useful motivators when they can be enforced. The restriction can be total, where the submissive is not allowed any access to the items, or it can be limited to a certain amount of time. There is a wide range of options under this heading.

Cold Shower
A brief cold shower can be used as a rather impressive punishment. There are several points to keep in mind when using this as a punishment. First, tap water varies in temperature depending on the time of year. A small difference in temperature makes a huge difference in the severity of the punishment. Next, it is important to define what is meant by "short". Less then 5 minutes is generally quite safe for any fit person; however, 30 seconds can be quite attention getting. This is another 'try it before you use' it type of punishment.

Send The Submissive To A Room By Themselves
This one generally speaks for itself. It gives time for calming down and for reflecting. This is often a good choice when the Dom wants to avoid adding stress to a situation.

Grounding
Being restricted to home can be a relatively effective and low stress punishment. External factors greatly affect the harshness of being restricted to home. This means that the same punishment is more or less severe depending on what else is going on in the submissive's life at the time. Being restricted when one has already bought tickets to a concert is more significant then being restricted when one has no plans.

Speech Restrictions
Speech restrictions can range from requiring the submissive to speak in third person to requiring the submissive to not speak at all for a period of time. When silence is used as a punishment it is helpful to have the submissive carry around a notebook and pen so they can convey necessary information. Requiring a submissive to speak in third person is an effective way to make the submissive aware of self-centered behavior. Many times a submissive may not be aware of how just often they refer to their own opinions and desires in casual speech.

Public Apology
Apologizing in a public forum stresses humility. The Dominant must carefully consider the reaction of those who are going to hear the apology.

Financial Penalties - Allowance Restrictions
If the Dominant controls the finances in the relationship restricting spending money can be used as a punishment. This is same as a parent withholding allowance and generally works best over shorter terms such as a week to a month. When it becomes longer then a month the punishment starts to become the norm.

Lecture
A good old-fashioned lecture can be an effective punishment. The lecture should include what specifically was wrong with the submissive's behavior and why it was wrong. The lecture should also include what the submissive should have done under the circumstance and why. If the submissive is required to maintain a physically stressful position during the lecture (such as kneeling) then the Dominant must also keep in mind cautions associated with the physical position such as time limits.

Dominant Expressing Anger
As odd as it may sound to some, the simple expression that the Dominant is angry at the submissive often carries a fair amount of punishment value. However, a fair number of submissives are inclined to view criticism and/or the expression of anger as an indication that the Dominant does not care about them. This can be nightmare of a problem and it is one that Dominants should always keep in mind.


So, in closing, always keep safety in mind, as well as the purpose of the punishment. Make sure the punishment fits the crime, it is a punishment that the sub does not like, and the lesson will be learned without lasting mental, emotional, or physical harm.




Post title: " Punishments in BDSM Relationships "
by: Michelle Fegatofi signature Red line

I have a lot of questions asking me what the difference is between rules and protocols for submissives.

So, today’s post is the easiest way I can think of to explain the differences. They are similar, but different.

Rules are the specific guidelines a submissive/slave lives by. They are set by the Dominant and can govern everything from what clothes to wear to a set exercise routine.

BDSM Submissive Rules


Here is an example of basic rules that a 24/7 live-in slave might follow:

  1. Slave should always remove clothing as soon as she/he gets home unless Master/ Mistress has laid out clothing for the slave or submissive to wear.
  2. Slave should fold clothes neatly or place them in the laundry whenever he/ she gets undressed.
  3. Slave should have coffee ready before waking Master up and serve at medium hot temperature.
  4. Slave will never question or ask ‘Why’ when an order is given, just follow and perform task as best as she/he can.
  5. Slave will wear collar at all times, inside or outside the house.
  6. Slave will not accept any new friends online on any sites unless approved by Master first. 



Protocol refers to how Dominants and submissives/slaves interact with each other. This can cover how a sub greets the Dominant when they come home from work to how a sub greets guests when outside at a party.

BDSM Submissive Protocols


The D/s lifestyle has various situations which can involve different levels of protocol, for example an informal night at home might be low protocol, having D/s guests for dinner maybe medium protocol, but a formal D/s dinner would be high protocol.

Low protocol is easy going and usual in most informal situations or casual stay at home nights. It is also what many D/s couples use if they are in “vanilla situations” such as family get togethers, where not everyone is aware of the lifestyle. Only to the practiced eye, is the subtle D/s interaction noticeable, but there is no doubt in the submissive’s mind that it is there.

Medium protocol is basically just a step up from low protocol. It is still fairly easy going, but there is a bit of an edge to things, and the submissive is a little more aware of his/her behavior. It may involve things such as wearing a collar at the table for the evening, being mindful and respectful to whomever is around you, but being able to speak fairly freely, as long as you are respectful.

If a submissive or slave is “put on” high protocol, she/he is instructed to behave in a certain manner befitting a high protocol situation - she/he would have certain rules to follow. High protocol usually means all focus is on the Dominant, and no communication with anyone else, unless directed, is allowed. The submissive would keep eyes lowered and be quiet at all times, and remain in whatever position or place she/ he has been instructed to stay in.

I hope this helps clear up the differences. There are crossovers of course, but there are also clear differences too. Please feel free to comment or send me questions if you would like.

Michelle Fegatofi




Post title: " Submissive Protocols vs Rules "
by: Michelle Fegatofi signature Red line

If you are exploring BDSM on the Internet, chances are at some point, you will be drawn into the world of message boards, chat rooms, and online D/s. Online D/s is perhaps one of the most controversial subjects in the Dominance and submission community. 



Cyber BDSM Relationships


As in any vanilla relationship, a cyber BDSM LDR requires commitment, honesty and time from all participants. It requires an active imagination

and a bit of extra work to keep the power exchange that a BDSM relationship requires, in place. The Dominant can maintain that feeling of submission in his submissive using daily rituals, rules and by assigning tasks. The submissive can do their part to keep the power exchange healthy through dedication and obedience. Imagination, creativity and attention become extremely important here. A dominant who neglects the submissive because they are LDR, will soon find himself without a submissive. The same goes for the submissive.

Why choose a BDSM LDR? Many of enter online relationships because they are in a community with a small to no D/s presence. Others do so because they are in real life relationships with a vanilla partner that has no inclination of wanting to explore BDSM in any shape or form. As long as the Dominant or submissive is fully honest with all of their partners, these types of relationships can be quite successful. Some use an online D/s relationship to learn more about Dominance and submission, to see if it’s something that they may be interested in for a real time experience.

A cyber relationship, in my experience, can indeed be very real. I base this on personal experience as well as knowledge of other people in relationships of that nature. The mind is the largest sexual organ in humans. Cyber interactions deal directly with the mind. Because of this, one can create a mental and emotional bond much faster online.

It also offers a sense of anonymity that allows people to open up faster and deeper than they would in a face to face conversation. This enhances the feeling of emotional closeness to the person you are interacting with and strengthens the mental bond. This bond is very real to the one who feels it. A relationship is highly individual. Being yourself and not creating all of these fake worlds and backgrounds is an absolute necessity to make a cyber BDSM LDR work. If you have little or no experience in parts of BDSM in reality, then it is most difficult to discuss how you might react to something. This should be made known to your partner. By hiding your lack of experience, you set yourself and your partner up for some serious hurt.

It is easy to get lost in the fantasy part of cyber BDSM. It is also dangerous to believe that everything that happens during cyber sex or scenes, are an exact replica of what would happen in real life. Just because you kneel in cyber, does not mean you can do it in reality. Or just because you can type that you flogged someone, doesn't mean you have the experience or knowledge to actually do so in real life. It is important to keep the fantasy part of cyber interactions separated from the reality part.

With a little effort and lots of honesty and commitment and cyber BDSM relationship can be rewarding and enjoyable for those involved. Keep it real and those rewards and enjoyment become even greater.

Michelle Fegatofi




Post title: " Cyber BDSM Relationships "
by: Michelle Fegatofi signature Red line

Online, you will find a lot of people that give themselves the title Dominant-Master / Domme-Mistress or take on a cyber persona imitating that of famous ancient sadists.
Does that mean that they are real Dominants? Do they have the internal character makeup of what I term as a True Dominant? Or are they just bullies, players, and wannabes? I will explore this more in depth with this article. Let me state, I am not pointing out any group in particular, I am just expressing what I see as the traits that a natural, true Dominant exhibits. You are welcome to express any views you may have that support or differ from mine in the comments section, if you wish.

Traits of a True Dominant

For a submissive, finding an appropriate Dominant partner is something that should be approached with a great deal of thought. Just because a man is dominant does not mean he will make a good Dominant. There are several traits a submissive needs to look for in a potential Dominant.

But first, look deep inside yourself and decide what you want and need from a BDSM relationship. Make sure you are being realistic and not living in a fantasy if you are seeking a real life Dominant. Believe me, being chained on one position all night to a bed without being let up to pee, or kneeling on tile or hardwood on your knees for hours at the feet of your Dominant are not fun. It hurts. So, be realistic in your needs, expectations, and wants, but most of all your limits

The Dominant is always in control of themselves.
How can a Dominant control a submissive if he or she is unable to control him/herself? The Dominant you choose should always have control of their own life and emotions. Subs/slaves do not get turned on by whiny wannabe dominants. A Dominant that screams and shouts to get things done, is not attractive.

The Dominant sees your submission as a gift.
Submission is a gift that is given and never taken. If it is taken that is abuse and the one that takes it is not a Dominant but a bully. 

The Dominant always takes responsibility.
When you are restrained, you are depending on your Dominant's care for your safety. Ensure your Dominant knows your scene, the safety challenges and make sure you both know the safe words or hand gestures in place. A Dominant will always honor these.

A Dominant will know and accept their limitations.
False pride can be dangerous. When dealing with the life of another, as some scenes in fact do, you need to trust that your Dom knows and accepts their limitations. He does not think he is a god and above all reproach. He knows that he is only human.

A Dominant does not demand Respect.
You will automatically show basic respect for Dominants as a vanilla person shows respect for other people. As you get to know the Dominant better, you will learn to respect him more. A Dominant will not demand respect from anyone. They know they must earn your respect the same way you must earn theirs.

A Dominant is never a bully.
A Dominant will never bully you into doing something that is on your hard limits list. They don't whine, coerce, or scare you into anything. They accept your submission as a gift and honor all of your limits.

A Dominant is always Patient.
Patience is very vital for every Dominant to have. They understand that a submissive will make mistakes, especially during the first months of their relationship and training. The D/s relationship is a work in progress and never completed, but always improved.

A Dominant is Loyal.
For trust to occur, both sides of the relationship must be loyal to each other.

A Dominant must be Intelligent.
This is common sense, not a PHD in BDSM. A Dominant should know what toys are for and how they work. Anything you plan in a scene should be safe beyond question.

A Dominant should possess Humility.
Humility requires that the Dominant possess a feeling of self-worth and an understanding they are not infallible.

A Dominant will always be Honest.
The D/s relationship is based on trust. Without honesty, there is no trust and there is no relationship.

A Dominant shows Courtesy. 
A Dominant should show courtesy to peers and submissives both.

A Dominant will show Compassion.
A Dominant is Understanding and responds to your needs by knowing you and your mindset well. This means observing your actions and analyzing the motives behind those actions.

A Dominant always has Open Communication with his sub/slave.
The Dominant should have a great ability to listen, as well as speak. Honest communication is vital to the relationship between you and your potential Dominant.


I have also found this written by some unknown author on the internet that I think totally fits my vision of a True Dominant. 


Above all else, a Dominant cherishes their submissive in the knowledge that the gift the submissive gives is the greatest gift of all.

A Dominant is demanding and takes full advantage of the power they hold, but knows how to share the pleasure that comes from such power over another.

A Dominant is in control of themselves first and foremost, so that they may control others.

As a stern and demanding Dominant, they can cause their submissive to cry real tears; As a consummate lover, they will kiss such tears away without stepping out of character.

In times of trouble, a Dominant will leave the roles behind and be a supportive friend and partner, never forgetting that this is still a loving relationship between two individuals.

A Dominant is quick to understand the differences between fantasy and reality.

A Dominant will never ask a submissive to put them before the submissive’s career or family just to satisfy their own pleasure.

To win a submissive’s mind, body, spirit, soul and love, a Dominant knows they must first win the submissive’s trust.

A Dominant will show their submissive humour, kindness and warmth.

A Dominant must always show their submissive that their guidance and tutoring in knowledgeable and deserving of the submissive’s attention, that the Dominant is a person they can learn from in whom they can trust their direction.

A Dominant is romantic enough to be protective and chivalrous. When called upon, they will fight for their submissive’s honour.

A Dominant proves to their submissive that they are someone who can be leaned upon and depended upon.

When it comes time to teach their submissive a lesson in obedience, a Dominant is a strong and unyielding teacher.

A Dominant will accept no flaw; nothing less than perfection from their student.

Never does a Dominant use discipline without good reason. When they punish their submissive it is always with a knowledgeable and careful hand.

A Dominant is always open to communication and discussion; always ready to hear their submissive’s wants and needs.

A Dominant is patient, taking time to learn their submissive’s limits and knowing that as the submissive’s trust in them grows, so to will they grow.

A Dominant never has to demand ritual behaviour from their submissive. Their submissive responds to them out of the want of pleasing them. Compliance comes from the desire to please, not the fear of punishment.

A Dominant understand the fragile nature of mind and body and never violates the trust given to them.

A Dominant is secure enough to laugh at themselves and the absurdities of life; open-minded enough to learn new things. Strong enough to grow.

A Dominant’s tools are mind, body, spirit, soul and love.

A Dominant understands that E/each partner gains most from pleasuring the O/ther. And B/both of T/them know that love and trust are the only bonds that truly hold.





Post title: " Traits of a True Dominant "
by: Michelle Fegatofi signature Red line

In the vast world of BDSM, there are many variations of relationships, but also types of submissives.


Most people say you cannot classify submissives because they fall into more than one category. This is true. there are many shades of grey in between (pun intended). Everyone submits differently, depending on their own personality, relationship dynamic, and view of submission.

Submissive or Slave

In today's post, I want to explore the differences between a submissive and a slave. What are the differences? Are there differences in rules and protocols? Why classify one as a submissive versus a slave?

A submissive is a person who gives up control and gets emotional or sexual satisfaction from aspects of submission which may include serving or being used by the Dominant. A submissive usually only submits during a scene, during sex, or during certain well defined and set parameters. They may or may not follow rules or protocols outside of the above situations. At all other times, they are on equal footing with their Dominant. These people also normally don't give their Dominant the title of Master.

A slave is an individual who is wholly under the control and power of a Master. A slave is the property of their Master. They freely surrendered their rights and privileges as an individual. They thrive on the opportunity to provide unconditional service and to exceed their Owner's expectations. A person that identifies themselves as a slave usually feels happy by making their Owner happy. They feel down and depressed if they perform a task incorrectly or make their Owner angry. Slaves normally live in a 24/7 TPE (total power exchange) relationship with their Masters.

Now, having defined the differences between the two, are there exceptions? Well of course there are. The above definitions are what is generally accepted by the BDSM community at large. With the explosion of BDSM on the internet, there are many variations to both defined roles. There are now cyber slaves, cyber submissives, and many roles in between that has not yet been defined.

There are those that think defining themselves as a slave, means they are more devoted or more submissive. I don't agree. You can call yourself whatever you want, but your actions and words more clearly define the type of submissive you are.

Is there a difference between a slave and a doormat submissive? Oh yes. A 'doormat' type submissive is a person that does not have any self esteem at all and feels like they are not worth the slime on the bottom of a dumpster. Their self image is so low, they usually do anything and everything their Dominant tells them and never complain, no matter how bad the Dominant might be to them. They feel they deserve the roughest and most abusive treatment their Dominant can give, even if such treatment is not warranted. They never ask why because they do not feel they deserve an answer.

A slave usually has very good self esteem. They know they are prized by their Masters because of the gift of their submission. They have their own convictions and can think for themselves. They do take abuse, but only when it is warranted, as in punishment for something not done correctly or misbehaving. They are strong and loyal, but feel happiest and complete when owned by their 'perfect' Master. They are completed when able to be in total submission 24/7. They love having strict rules and boundaries and always follow them religiously.

Submissives might have some rules but most of them are not that restricting. Cyber submissives and slaves usually have certain protocols they follow, such as emailing the dominant first thing in the morning about their schedules and last thing at night to tell them how their day went.

In closing, is one better than the other? Does the title of submissive mean you are a stronger person than one that considers themselves to be a slave? Or does a slave mean they are more submissive? They answer according to me is NO to all of the above.

As I stated before, and deeply believe the more I have read, learned, and experienced over the past 20 years, titles do not matter. It is all about what you feel naturally, what you are compelled by your very nature to do or be, that is a true submissive. No matter how far you feel you need to submit, as long as you follow your instincts and your nature, not try to force yourself to submit further than you think you can, you are all equals.




Post title: " Submissive Versus Slave "
by: Michelle Fegatofi signature Red line

With the popularity of the 50 Shades novels, as well as the growing interest on the internet, I decided to layout the different roles and relationships seen within the BDSM community.
Many of you are probably already familiar with them, but the way I see things might differ from your own views and it's always nice to see a fresh perspective on the Lifestyle.

slave - submissive


Remember that not all people fall under one label or category. Some people are self proclaimed Masters instead of just a Dominant, others are self proclaimed slaves instead of just a submissive. It is not about the labels. It is about what you feel deep inside yourself. BDSM is about the deep connection you get when taking complete control of another person or surrendering complete control.
Also remember that there are many kinds of Dominants and submissives in sub-categories. I won't expound on those today. If you have a different view, please comment. I love feedback and am always wanting to grow in my knowledge.

Top/Dominant/Dom/Domme 


These refer to the person in charge or in control. These titles are generally used only during scene play. They are not used as a form of address a Dominant, but only to describe the person.

Master/Mistress 


This title refers to the person in control and is usually only used in a Master/slave relationship. It is also the most commonly used name to address the Dominant in a M/s relationship.

Bottom/Submissive 


These titles refer to the one that submits.

Slave 


A slave is an individual who is wholly under the control of a Master. They freely surrendered their rights and privileges as an individual. A slave thrives on the opportunity to provide unconditional service and to exceed their Owner's expectations. The slave is devoted to the service and the will of their Owner.

Switch 


This title refers to someone who plays both Dom and Sub roles, usually with different partners.

Relationships 


Depending on how you and your partner decide to practice a BDSM lifestyle, will determine which relationship you fall under. There are three main areas relationships can be categorized as, with many variations possible underneath.

Top/bottom 


This type of play is normally reserved for a Dom and sub that play with each other from time to time. They do not have a fixed relationship. It also encompasses people that just meet up on the weekends at BDSM clubs and do a scene together. Their knowledge of each other is limited or non-existent. The power exchange and negotiations are in place solely for that specific scene.

Dominant/submissive 


In these relationships the focus is not on just play, but also on the mental aspects of the power exchange and service by the submissive. The power exchange is not always obvious, but each person involved knows their place whether play has occured recently or not. In this kind of relationship, one finds rules of behavior, expectations, and tasks put on the submissive. The majority of mainstream BDSM relationships fall into this category. Such a relationship may or may not include love. It also may or may not include limits on play activities, which were imposed by the submissive.

Master/slave 


In this type of relationship, there is a total giving of power from the slave to the Dominant. It is, in fact, a total power exchange (TPE). Like the D/s relationship, the power exchange is present outside of sexual encounters. Unlike the D/s relationship, the slave can not and does not set any limits on the Dominant and usually does not have a safeword. As in the D/s relationship, you will find rules of behavior, expectations and tasks placed on the slave. These rules normally cover a lot more area, such as tone of voice, body movements, sleeping and eating habits, poise and more. The main focus of this relationship is the service of the slave, not sexual gratification. The service of the slave is the most satisfying and driving force behind the relationship. Those involved in an M/s relationship, do so because they need to serve or be served. The slave wants to relinquish all control to the Dominant and is happiest when he/she finds the right Dominant for them to which they can fully submit.

There is a fourth type of relationship I have seen, yet have not heard anyone name it or clearly define it, but it does exist. It comes between a D/s and an M/s relationship. It has traits of both types. It focuses more on service and mental aspects than a standard D/s relationship, yet still has a bit more focus on the physical aspects than the M/s relationship. In such a relationship, the submissive exhibits and is happiest with quite a few attributes of the M/s relationship. It usually contains blanket consent, no safe words, and no limits. Such a relationship can grow into an M/s one or revert to a D/s one, depending on what the participants want.
Because of the many variations of relationships, it is good to have a general idea of the different relationships that are possible. Armed with such information, it becomes easier to avoid finding yourself in a relationship that you either can't handle or just are not happy in. It is extremely important that prospective partners discuss what they want in a relationship, and honestly evaluate if their visions of the ideal relationship match.




Post title: " Roles and Relationships in BDSM "
by: Michelle Fegatofi signature Red line

Below is an excerpt from my new book BDSM Basics for Beginners.


michelle fegatofi - what is BDSM

There are many variations of what the initials BDSM stand for, but the most widely used is Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, and Masochism. Frequently, the different areas of BDSM overlap into one another, as a bondage scene might include humiliation, or a D/s relationship might incorporate fetishism, etc. But just as frequently, there are those who only participate in one aspect of the lifestyle. In general, there is no hard and fast rule for what is right and what is wrong..... it depends on the individuals involved. BDSM is fluid and changes as individuals and relationships change. Having said that, there is one creed we all agree on. All play must be: SAFE, SANE & CONSENSUAL. Mutual consent is what distinguishes BDSM from abuse and assault, just as consent distinguishes sex from rape.

In a broad statement, BDSM is an erotic preference and a form of personal relationship that can involve the consensual use of restraints, intense sensory stimulation, and role play. To those that practice it in situations, other than just sexual scenes, it is also extremely mental. A Dominant has to be very careful and know his submissive extremely well in order not to do any lasting mental damage if the sub is deep into submission.

Because of main stream media and books like 50 Shades of Grey, the S&M portions have been highlighted much more than a rounded, more truthful picture of BDSM. The truth is that this alternate form of sexuality/relationship has nothing to do with destructive behavior. A Dominant person simply wants to dominate in sex while the submissive wants to be stripped of any initiative.

Read. Learn. Practice. Play. Have fun. BDSM is about finding the things that feel good and right to yourself and, most importantly, with your partner. Take the time to study up on the subject. But remember, every book is nothing more than a guide. There are no rule books, no predefined "this-is-the-way-it-is" laws. Take what you read and adapt it to suit your own individual flavor of BDSM, within the vast boundaries of Safe, Sane, and Consensual. Because even the meaning of those three words varies from person to person!

BDSM is NOT abuse. An abuser doesn't take the time to learn safe play and an abuser certainly doesn't respect limits. Not taking NO for an answer, not honoring a safe word or taking advantage of the unequal power relationship that exists between a Dom and sub, are forms of abuse. This is where knowledge comes in handy and trust is essential. Never play or submit to anyone that you do not completely trust with that power. Not everything in BDSM is for everybody. Test the waters, experiment, see what you like or don't like and proceed from there.




Post title: " What is BDSM? "
by: Michelle Fegatofi signature Red line

The historical origins of BDSM are obscure.


During the ninth century BC, ritual flagellations were performed in Artemis Orthia, one of the most important religious areas of ancient Sparta, where the Cult of Orthia, a preolympic religion, was practiced. Here, ritual flagellation called diamastigosis took place on a regular basis.


Historical Origins of BDSM

One of the oldest graphical proofs of sadomasochistic activities is found in an Etruscan burial site in Tarquinia (Italy). Inside the Tomba della Fustigazione (Flogging grave or Tomb of the Whipping), in the latter sixth century b.c., two men are portrayed flagellating a woman with a cane and a hand during an erotic situation. Another reference related to flagellation is found in the sixth book of the Satires of the ancient Roman Poet Juvenal (1st–2nd century A.D.). Anecdotal narratives related to humans who have had themselves voluntary bound, flagellated or whipped as a substitute for sex or as part of foreplay reach back to the third and fourth century.

Historical Origins of BDSM


The Kama Sutra describes four different kinds of hitting during lovemaking, the allowed regions of the human body to target and different kinds of 'joyful cries of pain' practiced by bottoms. The collection of historical texts related to sensuous experiences explicitly emphasizes that impact play, biting and pinching during sexual activities should only be performed consensually since only some women consider such behavior to be joyful. From this perspective, the Kama Sutra can be considered as one of the first written resources dealing with sadomasochistic activities and safety rules. Additional texts with sadomasochistic connotation appear worldwide during the following centuries on a regular basis.

     There are reports of people willingly being bound or whipped, as a prelude or substitute for sex, during the fourteenth century. Some sources claim that BDSM as a distinct form of sexual behavior originated at the beginning of the eighteenth century when Western civilization began medically and legally categorizing sexual behavior. There are reports of brothels specializing in flagellation as early as 1769. John Cleland's novel Fanny Hill, published in 1749, mentions a flagellation scene. Other sources give a broader definition, citing BDSM-like behavior in earlier times and other cultures, such as the medieval flagellates and the physical ordeal rituals of some Native American societies.


 Although the names of the Marquis de Sade and Leopold von Sacher-Masoch are attached to the terms sadism and masochism respectively, Sade's way of life does not meet modern BDSM standards of informed consent. BDSM ideas and imagery have existed on the fringes of Western culture throughout the twentieth century. Robert Bienvenu attributes the origins of modern BDSM to three sources, which he names as "European Fetish" (from 1928), "American Fetish" (from 1934), and "Gay Leather" (from 1950).

Bettie Paige bounded on a chair

Another source are the sexual games played in brothels, which go back into the nineteenth century if not earlier. Irving Klaw, during the 1950s and 1960s, produced some of the first commercial film and photography with a BDSM theme (most notably with Bettie Page) and published comics by the now-iconic bondage artists John Willie and Eric Stanton.





Post title: " Historical Origins of BDSM "
by: Michelle Fegatofi signature Red line

Welcome to the launch of my new blog. This blog will feature posts and articles about the world of BDSM. I will be blogging on topics ranging from bondage, submission, Dominants, munches, relationships, training, toys, scenes and many other things all centered.


Welcome to the launch of my new blog: BDSM Unveiled.


The reason I named it BDSM Unveiled is to hopefully help guide new people into this wonderful world, help dispel all the bad and most common belief that BDSM is centered on violence and abuse, and to help further educate those that have been in the scene for a while, but still are open to learning new things and hearing a different point of view.

From time to time, I will post poems also related to the Lifestyle. I hope that this blog will become educational and help those of you that stop by navigate your own journey through the wide, various, and wonderful world of BDSM.

I will share updates on newest books and guides that I have written and when they will come out. Please feel free to send in questions to me or topics that might interest you and you wish to know more about. I do only take serious questions, so please no junk mail.

Now, a little about me and my background. I was trained as a Gorean kajira for 2 years when I was in my early 20's. Over the past 20 years, I have studied and gained much knowledge about many forms and ways to practice BDSM. My philosophy is that there is no 'right way' or 'wrong way' to practice a BDSM, D/s, or S/m lifestyle as long as its consensual and all parties involved are knowledgeable in the possible outcome of scenes.

I live with my true soul mate and Master in as a 24/7 BDSM slave. It has given me a freedom and sense of self like nothing else ever has in my life. Being His, has fulfilled every need - emotional, mental, and physical - that I have. He provides for me and it brings me the greatest pleasure in serving him.

Again, welcome, please share this link with your friends and subscribe to me via email or RSS feed to make sure you get the latest article I post!

Welcome!

Michelle Fegatofi




Post title: " Welcome to BDSM Unveiled! "
by: Michelle Fegatofi signature Red line


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