Michelle Fegatofi

Here is a preview of the contents inside my new book, BDSM Basics for Beginners - A Guide for Dominants and Submissives starting to Explore the Lifestyle.

If you are interested in purchasing it, you can get it here:http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/MichelleFegatofi

The paperback is (US) $19.99 and the ebook versions are (US) $8.99.

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Michelle Fegatofi

Many readers, both Dominants and submissives, send me messages asking about submissive or slave training.


They want to know if there is a "correct" way to do it. I always tell them with respect, compassion, and deep understanding of the individual person and situation.

I believe that just as every person is different, every situation is also. You have to adapt training to fit your submissive's personality, as well as your relationship and lifestyle. If your sub/slave is a brat, you will usually end up giving harsher and more frequent punishments. If they are more meek, mild correction is probably the best way so you don't destroy their confidence and help to build self-esteem, while correcting whatever behavior you do not like. There is no one size fits all.

While I can't give you a manual on how to train your slave, I can give you a general direction and tips to possibly follow.

 
Whenever a dominant considers a new submissive for training, the first step is an assessment where the dominant seeks to learn about the specific needs, wants, strengths, weaknesses and desires of the sub. This assessment certainly includes sexual aspects but is not limited only to that. Quite often, sexual training and sexual activities a submissive is exposed to have other purposes and objectives in mind beyond merely someone experiencing a great orgasm.

The nuts and bolts of how submissive training and development is accomplished is dependent to a large degree on whether the relationship with a dominant takes places face to face or in an online environment. In real life experiences, generally the dominant will provide the training and instruction directly to the submissive. Starting slowly, with brief periods of instruction and simple activities, the dominant begins to introduce the submissive to new experiences.

Categories

Physical

- Physical training encompasses all areas requiring movements, positions and postures excluding for our purposes here, things sexual or pertaining to the acquisition of physical skills like dance. There are differences among dominants as to what physical training is desirable and important in the development of a submissive yet some things are commonly taught.

Verbal 

- At its most basic, verbal training includes how the submissive addresses his or her dominant. It has been my experience that dominants have preferences about how a submissive is permitted to address them and you may be confident that this information will be provided to you.

Mental 

- Training focused on the mental realm involves things like memorization, keeping a journal, improving concentration skills (i.e., meditation), acquiring new knowledge, improving problem solving skills and learning to bend the will more effectively to that of the dominant through development of greater determination to please and persistence to pursue tasks and assignments to successful conclusion.

Emotional 

- This is for the purpose of helping a submissive to learn to be more obedient or less willful.

Sexual 

- Beyond simple male-female penile-vaginal intercourse, possibilities for sexual training topics for the novice submissive include things like:

1. Learning to experience increased arousal
2. Learning to become sexual in new ways
3. Overcoming sexual blocks (e.g., mental, moral, ethical, shame)
4. Erotic movement (e.g., erotic dance, striptease, pole dancing)
5. Restrictions on masturbation frequency
6. Orgasm control/denial
7. Overcoming body shame

Discipline and Correction 

- Some might see these two terms as meaning essentially the same thing. Others might wonder why punishment was not included in the title. To address the latter first, correction may involve punishment but punishment is generally punitive while correction need not be punitive at all.

Rituals and Protocols 

- A ritual may be defined as any formalized action or set of actions, repeated in a specific and structured way. Rituals are processed at the subconscious level, making the practice of rituals a very effective means of shaping a person's beliefs, self-image, thoughts and behavior. Thus, rituals are a key part of submissive training and a tool often used by dominants.

While there are some recognized BDSM ceremonies, such as collaring ceremonies, formal presentation, etc., there are no recognized BDSM rituals. There are however a few points that dominants generally bear in mind when creating and using rituals.

• Rituals have an exactly repeatable structure, basically a script. Repeating the same thing regularly helps it become a habit that sinks deep into the self-conscious.
• Rituals should have a definite purpose, objective or goal. Whether the submissive is aware of it or not, the dominant should be.
• The most effective rituals have a direct link to specific activities or events.
• Rituals should be simple, using relatively few words and acts.
• Rituals should have a definite beginning and end.
• The number of rituals should be limited. Too many and they become difficult to remember, a burden and limit spontaneity. 

So, as you can tell, training varies from situation and preferences to individual personalities. Before starting anything, make sure all parties are fully aware of all possibilities and Hard and Soft Limits are in place and agreed on.

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Michelle Fegatofi

You have been drawn to the world of BDSM, but searching for one book to give you an overview of both Dominance and Submission.

This book provides you with descriptions of all roles, different BDSM relationships, commonly used terms, guidelines for roles and responsibilities, and much more. After reading this book, you should have a well rounded foundation to start your journey further into the ever changing world that is known as BDSM.

Available Now! http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/MichelleFegatofi

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Michelle Fegatofi

There are many types of BDSM relationships, from one-on-one monogamous, submissive swapping, to monogamous Poly families.

Polyamory is defined as the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. The term "polyamorous" can refer to the nature of a relationship at some point in time or to a philosophy or relationship orientation (much like gender or sexual orientation). It is sometimes used as an umbrella term that covers various forms of multiple relationships; polyamorous arrangements are varied, reflecting the choices and philosophies of the individuals involved. Polyamory is a less specific term than polygamy, the practice or condition of having more than one spouse.

Polyamorous relationships take many forms and can include many different levels of intimacy. In some relationships, a couple will have a single dedicated partner with whom they share a series of affairs. Another person may be actively “single” while participating occasionally or often in the committed relationships of others. A couple may be committed to each other and to a third… or to another couple. One person who is part of a couple may be dedicated to another person who is also in a committed relationship, without the involvement their significant others. The possibilities are limited only by the needs and desires of the parties involved.

Polyamory is not something you involve yourself in because it will please your dominant. You have to desire to be in a relationship with more than one person and more than one gender. It has to come from inside you and you have to ensure that when you involve yourself with a dominant that has candidly stated that he wants more than one submissive or slave, or get involved with a couple, that you are very sure of yourself and not at all prone to jealousy.

The roles have to be clearly defined and there must be complete honesty in everything that happens. Everyone must be able to share their feelings and thoughts as they happen and prevent any bad feelings from simmering and damaging the dynamic. A submissive in a relationship with a dominant and multiple other submissives should know that all of the submissives are important and that in the end it is a privilege to serve a dominant who provides for everyone. The moment jealousy and entitlement interferes, the groups tend to break up, even when all involved cared about each other. Submission in a polyamorous situation takes even more strength than submission to one does.

If you are thinking about involving playmates or bringing on a permanent new equal as a 3rd, you have to have ground rules that all will agree to and follow. This is very important to make sure that everyone feels equal and included in all dynamics of the relationship. Open and Honest communication between all parties is a must. There can be no secrets. If you are feeling any type of negative feelings, you should tell your Dominant first and then the partner with whom you have the negative feelings as soon as possible. If you don't, it will just fester and grow until a big blow up occurs.

Be careful in picking the potential playmate/new addition. Remember, there are people out there that are very deceptive and will pretend to be one way, until they get into the relationship, then slowly try to push you apart from your Dominant. Before inviting anyone to join you, make sure you and your Dominant have deep talks about the new person and lay all of your feelings, wants, needs, desires and expectations on the table. Make sure you are very sure and have given a lot of time into getting to know the new person before allowing them closer into your family.

Overall, a poly family can be a very loving, very fulling experience, as long as all parties stay honest and open with their feelings.

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Michelle Fegatofi

I was asked by a reader "if BDSM was Normal or not".
Well, that depends on what your definition of 'Normal' is. Normal is defined as conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular. Normality is an idealistic state of living, of existing. Since normality varies from person to person, culture to culture, and decade to decade, any recognized standard will always be whatever practices and lifestyles the current Mainstream society decides amongst the confirmed members of each class, to be 'Normal'. You have to think, one person's morality is different from another, so that would make what you consider normal different from me or even your neighbor's version of normal.

If we view BDSM from the view point of the current world's population, then no it is not considered normal. Think about the sexual practices in the BDSM Lifestyle (Bondage, S&M, Poly, Swinging, etc...). Main stream culture usually follows some type of religious teachings (Jewish, Catholic, Muslim, Buddist, etc...) that teach sex is only supposed to be used for procreation. They frown on anything outside their strict religious codes. They consider bondage or flogging abuse. But, people that practice these and other forms of sexual torture within the confines of the BDSM lifestyle, get heightened pleasure and love the bite of the whip on their back or the pinch of clamps on their nipples. Is it normal? For some yes, for others, no. Again, it depends on your perception of Normality.

 Main stream western culture would also consider any type submission (in males or females) weird, or not normal, because most of the population now consider males and females equal in most settings. They ask why would one person want to give over any freedoms, allow anyone else to make any decisions for them, or submit to another person's will. They don't understand the sense of security, need of serving, and feelings of yearning to be dominated and/or owned by another individual. I don't mean in a creepy, stalker, or 1800's kind of way. For most submissives or slaves in the Lifestyle, they will tell you that they find more freedom and happiness in being owned, being given rules and regulations, having to follow certain standards and guidelines, than they do in typical or 'vanilla' relationships.

I consider a BDSM Lifestyle normal, because I chose to practice this type of Lifestyle as a 24/7 consensual slave. Whether my Padrone (Master) is with me or not, I always follow his guidelines and rules. I gain extreme satisfaction and peace of mind and spirit by the rules and guidelines he has set for me. I have a very deep sense of love and protection all the time and that gives me a happiness that is almost indescribable.

So, is BDSM normal? Yes and No. Since normality is relative, you have to decide.

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Michelle Fegatofi

Have you ever heard the expression 'Sometimes Life gets in the way'?

I can honestly say that is a true statement. You're going along your normal routine with slight variations here and there, but pretty much the same daily routine, when all of a sudden, BAM! Here comes Life with one if its twisted little delays or side roads.

That is what the past 2 weeks have felt like for me during the construction and renovations that have been taking place. My normal, somewhat orderly world as a 24/7 slave was completely turned inside out and upside down. The noise and dust took away my concentration from my work on the internet because I had to concentrate on stuff here at home. I was unable to perform even the most basic of duties because of all the upheaval. If you have been in the lifestyle for any amount of time, you will understand how that can upset a dedicated slave and make them feel as though they were not up to par.

This is when Padrone had me take a step back and revisit some of my own lessons learned in how to  cope with frustration and anger, but also to practice patience. I am not known as a very patient person.

I was busy with painting, organizing, cleaning, and trying to also perform my normal duties as well as I could. You have to remember, even though I teach and right about many different aspects in managing and maintaining a 24/7 M/s relationship, I have to sometimes step back and practice what I preach. I had to silence the negative voices in my own head. Had to remind myself that I was doing the best I could with the situation I had.

When you are in a situation that you can't control, that you have to deal with, the best thing to do is try to see the end of it and stay positive. This is not a lesson in BDSM, just a life lesson. Stay as positive as you can and keep your head up. If you are in a situation that you think a temporary change in your submissive duties would help you mentally or emotionally, then talk to your Dominant.

And remember, communication is also one of the best tools you can utilize. Talk to your Dominant about your frustrations, anger, or doubts. If it involves them, then tell them so. Never hold anything back, but always be respectful.

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Michelle Fegatofi

Hello all! I am still here and around but the renovations have been taking longer than expected. I should be back to posting next week! In the meantime, if you are new, please check out my old posts and if you are a continuous follower, look for new stuff soon! Thanks for staying and keep reading!

Michelle Fegatofi

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Michelle Fegatofi

The following is an excerpt from my upcoming book dedicated solely for Submissives:

1. You do have rights. You have the right to walk away at any time for any reason. 
2. No one can keep up a 24/7 high protocol lifestyle for long without a break for of kids, family, work and other life events. 
3. No man has an erection continuously. Unless they're priapic, in which case, a doctor's visit is in order.
4. There is such a thing as PMS, and no amount of Dominance will make it go away.
5. Your cyber safeword is the off button on the front of your computer. Use it.
6. There are going to be times when you don't feel like having sex. It does and will happen. Prepare yourself mentally for it because it is just a part of life and does not mean you are a bad submissive.
7. Living a 24/7 Lifestyle is not a myth. Living 24/7 in chains, naked and kneeling is.
8. There will come a time when you see your Dominant scratching himself, belching and in need of a shower. They are only human.
9. No one understands your collar and its true meaning but you. Being proud to wear it everywhere is different than showing it off at the local market.
10. Eventually, you're going to have to take off the slave cuffs to go to some real life appointment. Get used to it.
11. People get sick. People die. Use a condom, please, unless you've been tested twice in the last year, and so has your partner.
12. Don't walk away from your friends. You might well need them later, if your dream Dominant turns into a frog.
13. If you want something, ask. Ask respectfully, ask in role, and ask in good faith. But ask. If you don't, chances are, you not going get it.
14. Just because you call yourself a slave, doesn't mean that others will agree with your definition. Be prepared to defend your views, but don't growl at others for their opinions. They have a right to them, same as you do.
15. Just because the screen name says Master doesn't mean he is one.
16. There are things you won't do in Real Life that you role played with online. 
17. BDSM is not always about sex. 
18. People are not always nice. You will not play at every party you attend. If you are not careful and always aware of your surrounds, you may get hurt in a non-consensual way.
19. Your Dominant is not a mind reader. You need to always be open and honest with your feelings.
20. Your Mistress is not always dressed in thigh highs and hose. A Master does not always have his flogger nearby. Sometimes, it's time for sweat pants and hot cocoa.
21. An argument is not the end of the world. Not resolving it, however, might be.
22. Sometimes, a fuck is just a fuck. A beating is just a beating. And a kiss is just a kiss. Enjoy it, remember it, and move along. 

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Michelle Fegatofi

I was asked advice from a reader about her Dominant not being able to let go of the past.
She said that he is still friends with, or follows, his old cyber submissives and it makes her feel as though he can not cut ties with the past completely and move forward. She has talked to him and told him how this makes her feel, and he said that she is just jealous and they mean nothing. He said he is completely committed to her and their relationship, and that others do not matter. But, the question she asked him, and that he did not answer, was why he continues, even now, when he is happy with her, to follow or be friends with them?

She went on to say that she thinks that he misses the interactions he had with them and all the attention, that maybe they gave him something or made him feel something, that she didn't. She knew he loved her, but was he craving something from one of the old subs? His answer was always No.

This was my answer. We have to remember our pasts because we can't change them. They shaped us into who we are today. We made mistakes and got stepped on and hurt, but also probably had regrets of our own. We may sometimes look back and wish we had not done some things or that we could go back and take a different path from the one we chose to walk. But we can not. So, we learn to live and let go and move on.

Some people do this by cutting ties completely with people, others feel that there is still some connection or something of interest so they may keep contact with that person, but in a different context that what had it had been before.

Other people have trouble putting some people from their past behind them, no matter how it makes their loved one feel. They seem to need to know what is going on with that person's life, because there was something left undone or unsaid, like an unfinished letter. They never got what I term as 'complete closure', with the past relationship. They may still feel something for that person and just not tell anyone else that little fact.

Whatever the reason, it is their decision and you have to come to terms with it. If your partner (sub or dom) is not hiding the fact they are still in some kind of contact with old partners, then you should not worry. It is when they lie by omission or just outright don't tell you that they still look into that ex partner's current business, via whatever social media they follow them on, that you should worry.

When two people unite and decide to start making a life together, that is when you should start your count. The past should stay in the past and never hold anything they did before you, against them. Yes, sometimes our pasts do come back to haunt us, but if that happens, you pull together and face it. Never be accusatory or go behind your partners back to check up on them.

You should have an open and honest communication and trust one another deeply enough that you know everything that is going on in his/her life. If your partner can't give you a straight answer, or you feel worse with the answer you got, talk it out. Rely on honesty and communication, without getting jealous and petty, to guide you through the conversation.

Take a step back and tell don't obsess over it. Tell yourself and teach yourself that, as long as you have your partner's care, love and heart, then there is nothing to worry about.

We as humans are always jealous of anything that might interfere or alter, in any way, the ones that we hold most dear and sacred. Paranoia and obsession with something you can't change will just make the entire situation worse.

So, my best advice, is let it go. If you find him changing, conflicting answers or stories, or something that just does not sound right, then call him on it outright and ask in a respectful way. When you hear the truth, you will know and feel it.

It also might be a case of curiosity. What I mean by that is that him keeping an eye on old subs or ex's might be to see how they have changed or to see if their 'true' personality comes out and how different they are now.

Final advice, let the past go and keep the past in the past, especially old relationships that may not make your partner happy. Second, never borrow trouble by making too big of a deal out of old flames being on a follow or friend list. Third, as long as the honesty and communication continue, the trust should still be there and the your relationship should be able to continue forward on a solid course.

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Michelle Fegatofi

I recently received an email from a reader asking for advice with her Dominant.

They had been a vanilla couple for a while and both decided they wanted to take it into a deeper relationship, so started to explore the world of BDSM and D/s. After much research and reading up on the lifestyle, he took the dominant role and she the submissive role. They made a contract from the beginning of their D/s relationship and started living it in a 24/7 lifestyle. In the contract, one thing they both agreed to was that they wouldn't visit dating sites or porn sites, nor would sex texting with anyone else. The submissive repeatedly found out that the Dominant was breaking this one rule. He treated her well in every other way and never broke any other rules of the contract, except that one. He could not stay off the porn sites. She said she lost trust in him and asked me how she could trust him after he kept lying to her. My advice to her, as well as more information on this subject follows.

Trust, is an integral part of a BDSM relationship. Without it, there can not be a relationship.
Both participants must be able to trust the other with their thoughts and feelings. WIth their vulnerabilities and strengths. Open and honest communication is a way of building trust, and is required in a BDSM relationship. This level of trust takes time to grow, it does not happen overnight. Trust will grow with consistent actions from both people and a good working level of communication. In this way, the people show that they will do what they say they will do. Unfortunately, in a relationship such as BDSM, trust can easily be broken if all parties are not open, honest, and communicate everything they think, feel and need.

I advised the reader that she should step back and take a look at the problem from a different view point. If her dominant was not being truthful about looking at the porn sites, it probably was because he felt she was not open minded or was too jealous of other women. I told her that she should sit down with him and have a very honest conversation about her feelings, but also listen to his point of view and the reasons why he liked to look at the pictures with an open mind. I asked her if he was cheating on her with other women (virtual sex, text messages, etc...) and she said no. The only thing he was doing was browsing pictures of naked women on the internet.

I told her to reconsider her stance on that rule. I saw no harm in him looking at naked women if he was not actually having cyber sex or other contact with women behind her back. In the world of BDSM, there are always going to be nude people or almost nude people, around. If she could be more open minded and accept the fact that her Dominant liked looking at pictures naked women, but was only having sex with her, then he would not feel the need to hide that part of himself. Having an outside person looking at the situation helped her understand that, the actual act of looking at pictures were harmless. In fact, some of the pictures might even give him ideas to try on her.

 

How can a submissive regain trust after we are lied to by the very one we have put all of our trust in? It is a slow process but it is possible. The first thing that is KEY is communication. You have to communicate with your Dominant and they have to do the same with you. It is a 2 way street, not just a one way avenue.

Second, no matter what the situation, everyone in the relationship has to be completely honest and open with the other. Sure, there are rules for the submissive that you will follow, but the Dominants have also usually agreed to some sort of even minimal guidelines. Those have to be followed or trust can be broken.

Third, remember that we are all humans and that relationships are fluid. Sure, you will know exactly the things that you will absolutely not do and can not tolerate (cheating for example) but you have to know that during a relationship, with time, people grow and change. You both should sit down once or twice a year and review the rules and guidelines that govern your relationship as a whole to make sure that no changes or additions are needed. If they are, make them together once everyone is in agreement.

Above all remember that Trust is a fragile thing. It takes time and honesty to build the kind of trust that is a corner stone to a solid, long lasting relationship. It can take only one small lie to break it.

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Michelle Fegatofi

With Valentine's Day coming up in 8 days, we want to invite you to write a romantic/devotional/love poem or short paragraph about your partner (Master, Mistress, Sir, Ma'am, sub, slave, etc..) and send them in to us and we will post them here and on our main blog here, as well as our other ones on fb and Tumblr, on February 14th. We encourage you also to send a picture if you would like.

This can be a unique way to show the world your love and devotion to your partner.

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Michelle Fegatofi

I don’t pretend to know everything about the life of a 1950′s housewife. I wasn’t born until 1973, so how could I? I do know that the housewives of that era somehow have gotten a terribly bad rep over the decades.

I saw a movie years ago called The Stepford Wives, which I’ve been told is a remake from 1975, but I haven’t seen the original. The premise of the movie is that men have control of their wives by microchip and they even come with a remote control! The main character was an executive but is recovering from a nervous breakdown and she’s the one who finds out the truth about the women. The twist is, at the end of the movie, that the wife of the main “husband in charge” is NOT controlled, but rather it is her husband who is a robot! She wanted to recreate the 1950′s housewives because she thought it was the way women were meant to be as wives.

Want to know the truth? I couldn’t agree more!! Not the actual remote control part, mind you, but that a woman should be submissive to their partners/husbands like they did back then.

That’s probably a dangerous thing to say in 2013, though, because of the way most people (especially women) look at women’s “rights”. Feminists (non BDSMers) despise women being submissive. They see it as major steps backwards in all of the ground that their female predecessors made.

I see both sides and it is my opinion that a female should be able to choose how she lives her life without being maligned by other women. If a woman wants to work and be on equal footing with her partner, or have that partner even be the submissive one, then I don't see anything wrong with that. I, however, chose a different path.

I have been on both sides. I was in a high corporate position for many years before I quit and became a housewife. That was in 2004. I have to say that I was not happy with being a housewife for the longest. It was very hard transitioning from working 60+ hours a week to being a stay at home mom/wife. I do look back now and cherish every second that I was with my children. I was there for all the firsts and was able to shape their personalities in a much different way than had I still been working.

Another factor you have to take into account is the relationship. I was not in a good relationship then. But, for the past 1 1/2 years, I have been a 24/7 slave aka Domestic Goddess aka 1950s style housewife and I absolutely adore it. I do work on the internet but it is from the house. I do all the housework, cooking, cleaning, and taking care of every need my Padrone (Master) has.

Webster’s Dictionary defines to submit in this way: To give over or yield to the power or authority of another. Did you catch the word yield in there? A woman who is submissive to her partner/husband is yielding to him, not being controlled by him! Submitting is not the same as being a subordinate, which is defined as: Belonging to a lower order or rank; subject to or under the authority of a superior.

My Padrone doesn’t order me around like a military commander. He doesn’t demand anything from me because I already give him everything willingly. He adores and cherishes me. He treats me really well and he always puts me first (which does not equal getting everything I want, by the way). So, when he gives his view or opinion on a decision he has made for our lives, I don’t have to struggle, because I know he has our family’s best interest in mind. I never question his decisions. We talk about things – sure – but his word is the ultimate decision. When he asks me to do something, whether it’s to massage his feet, or that I bake his favorite cookies, I want to do it. I want to please him! It makes me happy on a level that I can not explain to do anything for him, especially if it is something he has asked of me.

Our relationship is based on the BDSM principle of Master/slave, but it's a much softer kind of dynamic than that of which is portrayed in main stream BDSM. He always comes first, no matter what I am doing. His wishes take precedence over everyone and everything, including my own. We do have what I would call a much stricter version of a 1950s style household, as he has rules and guidelines in place guiding every part of my life (where I can go alone, how far I can go, what I can wear, when I am supposed to check in, etc). But, even though it is always a 24/7 M/s dynamic, it also resembles much of a 1950s style home.

I want to share a magazine article from the 1950′s geared toward being a better housewife:

There are only a few things on here that are just silly – most are dead on!! The last one, “A good wife always knows her place”, has been made to seem like that place is a place of subordination, but it’s not. Yeah, I know my place. It’s as a well-treated, well cared for, loved and cherished submissive, whose Padrone is head of the house.

I think that back then, women enjoyed being women and doing womanly things more than they did today. They embraced their softer sides and rejoiced in being submissive to their Man. 

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