--> BDSM Unveiled

Hello to all of our followers! We are happy and very proud to announce that we're in the process of moving all of our older posts over to our new website www.michellefegatofi.org .  I have to mention up front that it's totally free! I will never ask that you pay for a membership to read my blogs.

This past year has been a literal life transformation for both Padrone and I. We have had many health scares and decided to change our diet and exercise regimen. We concentrated mainly on our health and our dynamic this year and kind of lost touch with our online followers. We've both lost a lot of weight and are much healthier now.

After much thought, we decided that it would be better to combine all of my blogs into one space to make it easier for people to reach and maybe even discover something new to learn about.

Our new site will have all of our BDSM posts (as well as new ones coming soon), but it also my posts on my journey to living a healthier lifestyle, my battles with epilepsy, and a column that I've called 'Life in General'.

While it is up and running and there are many posts that from both of my blogs that have been ported over, I still have a lot of work to do so please be patient! In the meantime, why not go and have a look around?

I encourage you to subscribe at the bottom of the page so that you will get updates directly when I post a new blog.

Here's a direct link to the BDSMUnveiled Section:


Thank you for your continued support and we hope to see you on our new site!

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If you’ve been on the internet for any about of time, you have probably heard the term ‘Catfishing”. This term was coined in 2012 and describes people who create fake internet profiles for the purpose of deceiving others out of money, property, or just to create drama. 

Now, while several people may have a fake Social Media account, that doesn’t automatically mean they are catfishing. In the online community of BDSM, especially since the rise and popularization of the Lifestyle by the 50 Shades Trilogy, many people are joining just to try and take advantage of unsuspecting and unknowledgeable newbies. I have had many messages asking me to address this specifically. Here are my tips in spotting fake accounts that are probably catfishing.

If you are new to the Lifestyle, please read as much as you can from many different online resources so you can gain a broad knowledge base. This is the first step that will help protect yourself from fake dominants or submissives. 

If you accept friend requests from all strangers, don’t give them any personal information. Start a general conversation with them, just as you would any vanilla friend. If the person immediately makes demands of submission or wants to be called by a specific title, you should unfriend and block them immediately. No real practitioner of BDSM will act this way, online or in real life, especially with a new contact.

Many men have sent me messages asking if it is normal to have to pay a ‘tribute’ to an online Dominatrix before you even get to send them a message, let alone a friend request. Apparently, this is the practice of many young females online that are presenting themselves as Female Dominants or Dommes. In my opinion, they are frauds or sex workers. While there’s nothing wrong with being a sex worker, a genuine Lifestyle Dominatrix will never demand money or gifts before they even talk to you. This is just another way that people have found to monetized BDSM. If someone refuses to talk to you for free, block them and run! 

Let’s now move forward a little bit. Say that the Dom or sub you friended has so far passed all the initial scrutiny. You are wanting to try to move from a friendship to an online D/s or M/s relationship. Ask to exchange vanilla based pictures. After some more time passes, they should be ready to video chat. If they always have some excuse or reason they can’t, they are probably catfishing! Either they are not the person in the pictures you exchanged or they are hiding something in their real life. A person interested in pursuing a real relationship, even if it’s just online, will find the time and a way to video chat with you. 

These are just a few of the obvious things to be on the lookout for when getting involved with someone on the internet. I met my Padrone (Master) on Facebook 8 years ago and have been living with him for 7 years now. So, while it can be difficult to find and become serious with someone you met on a social media site, it is entirely possible! 

If you have any comments or suggestions, please leave them below!

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Hello everyone!

I know I haven’t been posting much this year but I have a very good reason. In January, I was having many health issues that needed to be addressed. Many of them were caused by my complete lack of exercise and the types of foods I was eating. Being sick so often was also affecting my ability to perform my submissive/slave duties. I decided that I didn't want to be that way so started on a personal journey to get healthier and it's turned into a Life Transformation.

I went from 92 kilos (203 pounds) to weighing 71.7 kilos (158 pounds). Most of my recurring health issues have vanished and I feel so much better. Since I am now 45, I also wanted to do what I can starting now to try to ensure a healthy and active lifestyle for the rest of my life, as much as possible anyway.

In March, my Padrone was rushed to the hospital and had to stay for 8 days while being diagnosed with multiple health problems of his own. He had to stop smoking cold turkey (after over 40 years of smoking), completely change his diet, start exercising, lose weight  and start taking a lot of medicine, of which he will most likely never be able to get off of.

One thing he was diagnosed with was Type 2 Diabetes. He has to take 3 pills a day to help control his high blood sugar. This pills have made his sense of taste turn very strange. Food he liked before the medicine, he can't stand to eat now. And food he may like one day, may taste very strange to him the next. So, this is another of the ongoing struggles that have put stress on us and we deal with together every day.

I have not been that active in the Lifestyle groups as I was the past years because we have been focusing on our health. Now we are at a place where we can continue on our health journey but also return our focus back to our BDSM Lifestyle.

You may or may not have noticed but Facebook has been getting more and more strict with their rules and taking BDSM related pages down for stupid reasons, even for pictures that absolutely do not violate their rules. This year alone, I have had many of my admin accounts put in FB jail as well as my 2 largest pages completely unpublished and deleted. Every time this happens, I have to start over from scratch! I still have a few pages left so I hope that you go and like and follow them to show FB that we won't be silenced, no matter how many times they try to.

My goal for the rest of this year as far as the Lifestyle is concerned is to start writing more blogs on topics that not many people actually touch on across the internet.

If you have any questions that you would like to see my answer to, please write me at bdsmunveiled@gmail.com. I will try to answer them as best and fast as I can. And don't worry, anonymity is guaranteed.

Thank you for those of you that have continued to stay followers of the blog! We appreciate you so much for your loyalty and for not giving up on us.

Stay tuned for new and exiting things to come!

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If you have come to this blog, chances are that you have already started exploring the world of BDSM. Whether you are a Dominant or sub, Master or slave, Top or bottom, do your research and build your base knowledge before getting involved in any dynamic for the first time. This could honestly be the difference in sparing yourself mental and/or emotional trauma.


Now, most of the time as I’m writing these posts, I assume that my readers are complete novices and have not been in a real life BDSM dynamic or relationship. The reason for this is because I get so many questions asking things that are obvious signs of abuse or a fake dominant. I’ve written a few blogs on how to spot an abusive person trying to pass for a Dominant, especially in the online world. While every couple practices their own individualized version of the Lifestyle, basic rules and common sense still apply.

In many fantasy erotica books and movies, a female discovers that she likes being told what to do by a powerful male. Then she gets punished for some small thing she does wrong and decides she likes pain with her pleasure and the plot goes from there. While this scenario might make for a good read or movie, it is not the norm in real life. That’s what today’s blog is about: understanding the Reality of a BDSM relationship versus the Fantasy.

I’ve been in and out of the Lifestyle for over 27 years now, both online and in real life. I’ve lived as a submissive and a slave. While some dynamics may practice a high protocol situation more than others, I don’t spend all of my time on my knees waiting for Padrone to direct every tiny aspect of my life. First of all, neither of us have the patience for that. Secondly, life. Life always has to be lived. Jobs, appointments, friends, family, and whatever other obligations will always need to be tended to.

Padrone Marco is my Master. I am his slave. That is how we define our roles in our dynamic. While Padrone always has the final say in all decisions, he trusts me to act autonomously on his behalf and follow the rules he set up for us when we first became a couple. In the movies and books, most submissives get an allowance and a list to follow any time they go shopping for anything. Padrone doesn’t want to be bothered with little details so he leaves all of those decisions to me. When I buy clothes, especially online, I will get his approval before I buy something to ensure that he likes whatever I’ve picked.

If you have followed my other blog, you will see that we have both been on a journey to get healthier this year. Padrone was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes in March so is on a strict diet that makes it difficult for him to figure out what and how to eat to stay within those parameters. After many trial and errors, I researched, found, and ordered a meal plan for him that satisfied his nutritional needs while actually tasting good and giving him a variety he needed. While many people may see that as a vanilla task or even as a slave overstepping her bounds, we do not. You see, in books, the sub or slave is always at the beck and call of the Master, regardless of the situation. In fantasyland, the slave never has to think for herself and the Master always knows exactly what to do and when to do it.

But in reality, Dominants often need help and to be taken care of too. Even if your dynamic isn’t based on affection and is based on fulfilling a fantasy, these same principles will most likely apply in some form or fashion. A submissive’s or slave’s number one priority is always to see to the comfort of their Master/Dominant. We want to make their life easier in any way that we can. So, unlike movies and books, we have to think for ourselves as we follow the clearly defined rules of our dynamic. In taking control over our individual diets, I made life easier for Padrone so he doesn’t have to worry if a meal fits into his diet or not. I’ve already done all the research and all he has to do is tell me what it is he wants to eat. That is not Topping from the Bottom. It’s making sure my Padrone stays healthy.

Another theme you normally see running through BDSM related books and movies is that of the Dominant never taking care of the sub, unless it’s after a scene. I can assure you that is not the case in a real life relationship. Padrone takes care of me just as much as I do him. Many people would look at the surface of our relationship and see a vanilla couple that has been together for a long time since many of our daily activities are vanilla based. But what you don’t see is the reality.

For our dynamic, I clean the house, wash clothes, take out the garbage, take care of the dogs, make sure meds are taken or refilled, and many other tiny, everyday things that get overlooked because they are routine. While Padrone mainly works so he can support us financially, he also edits all of my posts and maintains this blog. I work behind the scenes to support him.

There are so many other examples I could give you from our everyday life that will give you glimpses of how our Dynamic works, I will leave it here for now. My goal for this post is simple. Don’t base your dream of a relationship on what you read in a book or watched in a movie because that relationship will fail since it wasn’t based on any type of reality. Find your own version of BDSM that works with the reality of your life. The completeness, support, love, and connection I have with Padrone makes that journey worth it.

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I’m sitting here trying to think about how to word what’s on my mind. Sometimes it’s harder to write down what you’re thinking versus just outright saying it. Hopefully it won’t be a rambling mess.

I haven’t written many blog posts this year related to the BDSM Lifestyle because I’ve been so concentrated on other outside things. I decided in January to try to get my out of control health problems in hand, by making a radical diet change as well as adding daily exercise to my life. In the beginning, it took every part of my mind, body, and soul to stay with the new course I set for myself. I was very lucky that Padrone was very supportive of my decisions, even though he didn’t join me at that time.

As the weeks went on, I was losing weight but also feeling much stronger, more energetic, and overall better. At the beginning of March, Padrone was rushed to the Emergency Room with multiple health issues. He ended up staying there for 8 days and was off work for another 2 weeks for recovery. He was forced to stop smoking cold turkey after 45 or more years of constantly lighting up. He had to start adding in exercise as well as change his own diet. Luckily for me, I had been doing this already for several weeks prior, so I was able to help him in making the right food choices and encouraging him to exercise.

Now, here we are 2 months later and both of us have been focused on improving our health and getting stronger. We are in a very unique but also extremely supportive situation, since we both had to change our lifestyle to being more active and choosing better food. We are able to sympathize with the other when one of us is craving something we can’t have now.

This leads me to our BDSM dynamic. I’ve received many messages over the years asking for advice because it seems like their dynamic fizzled out or went quasi-vanilla. What people don’t understand is that just like a normal vanilla relationship, BDSM relationships evolve and change along the way also, because people are always changing.

In our case, while we’ve always maintained our dynamic to a certain degree, in the past year, it had not been as intense as it had been in years past. Outside influences, such as work, mental and physical health, and basic everyday obligations, contributed to that. We actually didn’t even really notice the changes, because we were both not feeling as well as we should have been because of health issues.

Now that we’ve both lost weight, changed our eating habits, and become more active, I’ve noticed a change back to a more intense M/s dynamic, similar to what it was in the beginning of our relationship. Obviously, after 7 years together, we know almost everything about the other one. I don’t think either of us has anything new left to discover. So, even though the shiny new feeling has worn to a comfortable place now, that intense attraction to the other, mentally/physically/emotionally, has never gone away.

As we age, our bodies and minds prioritize things differently. We crave touch still, but it doesn’t consume our every waking thought like it may have 20 years ago. We focus more on the mental and emotional well being as well as the health of our partner. With time, we have been blessed with the fact that we’ve grown even closer together instead of more apart, like you see happen with many couples these days.

Now you see why I haven’t written a BDSM related blog post in a while. We’ve just had our concentration turned inwards towards improving ourselves. Now, that we are both on the right track, I am hoping to be more active in the online communities as well as blogging more.

So, if there are any topics that you can’t find in my blog history and want me to write about, please send me your suggestions!

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For those in the vanilla world, they think BDSM is all about sex, bondage, and multiple partners. When they hear the word dominant, they only think that it is a very domineering person who is in charge of everything and who’s word is law. They think the dominant can do absolutely anything they want to, regardless of a submissive‘s desires, needs, or even objections. Those of us that actually live some type of version of a BDSM lifestyle know that the above statements are false.

BDSM Relationships. When a sub takes charge

A real Dominant, not a wannabe dominant or a bully, is one that actually nurtures, protects, and guides his submissive in the ways that were negotiated in their contract at the beginning of the relationship. If there is no contract, then there is usually a strong verbal agreement in place that governs the path the relationship takes. Not every relationship is the same. Everyone practices BDSM in their own creative way. We like to say there is no right or wrong as long as everything is consensual. I completely agree with that.

We all know that a Dominant is the one who guides and a submissive is the one who follows. That is just the basic concept of roles in these types of relationships or dynamics. But, what happens when the submissive becomes the one that needs to guide the Dominant for some reason? How does the Dominant still retain dominance in the relationship while following the guidelines or advice from their submissive? It’s simple. Respect is the key.

Now, you’re asking yourself when would there be a time that a Dominant would follow a submissive in a BDSM dynamic, but still remain the dominant person in the relationship? There are many scenarios I can think of that this could happen, but the one I’m referring to is in a medical situation. I’ll use my situation with my master, known as Padrone, to share my feelings on this matter.

First I have to give you a little background on myself. Since January 10, 2018, I have been on a journey to get myself healthier by eating better and exercising. It is been 10 weeks and I have lost 7 kg which is about 14 pounds. I have done a lot of research on nutrition, exercise, and what not to do in order to lose weight at a healthy pace and keep it off while making my body more fit and stronger. I am not an expert by any means, but I have done a lot of research that has allowed me to gain knowledge that Padrone does not have.

Padrone actually ended up in the hospital for eight days because of a medical condition, and he had to change his entire lifestyle to no smoking, eating a completely different way, and adding exercise every day to his routine. While he is dealing with all of these new challenges, he’s also having to take a bunch of new medication at certain times of the day. I am helping him manage all of this so he can concentrate on himself.

The way I’m helping him manage all of this is by giving him his medications when he needs them, weighing all of his food and serving it to him at the appropriate times, and also encouraging him while sometimes nagging him to exercise. Given that he is my Master, you might think it would be very awkward to tell him what, how much, and when he can eat. A person would think that in a dynamic such as ours, that my providing food for Padrone would be in direct violation of a Master/slave relationship. But in our case it isn’t.

You see, Padrone still retains his role as Master and head of our household. I am still very much his submissive/slave as always. But in the case of exercise and food, he is allowing me to serve him by putting me in charge of these types of things so he doesn’t have to worry about it. He’s already dealing with the fallout of not smoking after smoking for 45 years, his body getting used to all these new medications, and having to actually do exercise every single day, which he still does not like at all but does because he knows he has to.

Some people might see him as relinquishing control of our relationship but that is not the case at all either. His relinquishing control of the medication and food distribution allows me to actually serve him even more because I’m able to help him get healthier and be right there with him every step of the way on his journey to get fit. So what some may see as a role reversal or equalization of the relationship, is actually just the continued bond of our dynamic working.

If you ever get into a situation as a submissive or slave, in which your Dominant needs you to step up and take control of certain aspects of your life or his life, don’t hesitate to do it. Mentally and physically, your Dominant probably needs the help and will appreciate your effort because it will make their life and situation much easier to deal with from whatever they’re going through. You are in fact supporting them and serving them by taking control of some aspects that you did not have control over before. Just always make sure you show them the respect you always have, you never use a tone of voice that you would not normally use with them, and you always give them the final decision. Sometimes, like in my case, you might have to nag a little bit to get them to exercise because they really do not want to. Just make sure you give them all the right reasons to do what you’re asking so they know it’s their choice, you’re just helping them implement that choice.

Sometimes people may think they aren’t strong enough to actually be able to do something like that. They don’t know if their relationship or dynamic could handle them stepping up or a Dominant giving up a little bit of their control so that it makes their life a little easier because their submissive or slave is willing to help them make some choices that are difficult for themselves to make. I can say from experience, that one never knows what one can endure or will do for those that they love the most.

So, when a submissive takes charge of certain aspects of a Dominant’s life, or situation, the submissive is actually serving the Dominant. In no way does it mean that the submissive is trying to top from the bottom or take over the relationship. It just means that the submissive cares enough for their Dominant to try to do everything they can to help the Dominant’s life be easier.

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With Valentine’s Day coming tomorrow, many of you will be trying to figure out the exact type of gift to buy your partner. You may go the ‘flowers and candy’ route, ‘stuffed animal’ route, ‘dinner and a movie’ route, or just come up with something special that expresses how much they mean to you. These things are wonderful to celebrate that special day, but what do you do for the rest of the year? How can you express your love and appreciation for your Dominant/submissive without buying things?

Michelle Fegatofi's BDSM Valentine's Day Thoughts

The best way to show your partner how you feel is through everyday acts of kindness and love. As a BDSM consensual slave, I show Padrone how I feel every day in the small things I do for him personally and around the house, but also in how I take care of my own health (mentally, emotionally, and physically). I admit that I have neglected taking care of my physical health most of my life. I never liked exercising, always ate whatever I wanted and didn’t worry about how my nutritional choices affected how my body worked, or didn’t work in many cases.

Since I’ve been with Padrone, my mental and emotional health have healed and blossomed under his care. I’ve found myself and have been able to pursue my passion of writing and helping people in a small way as I never thought I could before. Coming from an extremely hostile and toxic relationship, it took a while before I could honestly say that I had recovered from being in that environment, but I did and have been well loved, supported, encouraged, and protected since then. I like to think that I also helped Padrone become the life-loving, happy person he is now, compared to the serious one he was when I first met him.

Now that my mental and emotional health have recovered, I have to start taking more care of my physical health. Now, just to clarify, I’m not talking about looks or weight, I’m referring to how my body functions. I have dealt with epilepsy my entire life and that is a condition in which there are no medications that will help. I have had my gallbladder removed, and had a complete hysterectomy due to cancer, all before I was 33 years old. You would think that having to deal with all of these various conditions, as well as many others, that I would have had the urge to take care of my body better because it is the only one I will ever have. Well, being in the relationship I was in, combined with my state of mind at the time, it was never a priority.

The last few months of 2017 were rough on my body. I have suffered with blood sugar problems off and on after the birth of my second child in 2004. It had never been a huge problem, but became worse the older I got and just blew up in November of last year. On top of this, I developed a strange eye problem and eczema on my face in December. I left it, thinking it would rectify itself on its own. January came and still, my problems persisted. That’s when I took action. I started my daily exercise routine and made little changes to my diet. Gradually, my sugar levels have become steady and spot-on. My skin has cleared up and my eye problem has gotten much better. I think I need to change my glasses prescription, but everything else has much improved.

Five weeks later, I’m down in size and weight, plus I’m feeling much better overall. These changes have also had a direct impact on my submission to Padrone. In the beginning, I admit that I was distracted and obsessed in my journey to a healthier body, but as the days and weeks have passed, that obsession has transitioned into a complete lifestyle change and commitment. In regards to my submission, I’ve found that I have more energy and creativity to do things around the house and for Padrone as well.

Overall, by trying to get and stay healthier, I’ve given a long lasting present to Padrone and myself. The more time that goes by, the more my health improves. This will give Padrone less to worry about and ease some of the anxiety he has felt about all the little weird health issues that kept popping up over the last few months. Now, exercise and eating better are not a cure all. It is not a substitute for doctors. But, it is something that everyone can do to improve themselves overall and it does help with many different types of health problems.

So, after your candy binge is over, why not try to implement an exercise routine that both of you can do? It may be as simple as taking a 20 minutes walk around the block. Whatever you decide to do, try to do it with your partner because the support and encouragement you give each other will go a long way to motivating you to stick with the program you come up with.

Happy Valentine’s Day and remember, the best gift to yourself and your partner, will always be a well balanced and happy Dominant/submissive in mind, body and soul.

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Now that the Christmas season is over, I’ve noticed that traffic is picking back up in Lifestyle related groups, as well as on my own sites. There’s been a mix of old and new people coming together to discuss BDSM subjects. One recurring theme I have seen pop up a couple of times over the past few weeks is the phrase “My Dominant/Master knows me better than I know myself”. This made me stop and think. I have seen this phrase used by mainly newer subs that are in online only relationships. That’s why this phrase stood out and bugged me so much.

Master knows me better than I know myself

Could this be true? I know my Padrone knows my moods, likes, wants, needs, and even health related problems inside out, because we’ve been together for 6 1/2 years now. But, I can’t honestly say that he knows me better than I know myself. Even as close as we are in thoughts, morals, and personal likes and interests, there is still no way he can know me better than I know me. The reason is simple. He is not a mind reader. While he comes extremely close most of the time, it’s because we’ve been together for so long and communicate well. When we have disagreements and I get emotional, there’s no way he could have any idea about what is going through my head.

You are probably wondering why such a simple phrase could get me so aggravated. Here’s why. I’ve read many posts where a new submissive will say that she’s in a relationship with her Dominant and they have no limits. The Dominant will end up taking over large portions of the sub’s life and giving her rules and boundaries that do not take into account her own personal needs or preferences. These Dominants usually end up leaving the sub before 6 months and the sub is left feeling broken. The submissives end up blaming themselves for everything that went wrong because they really thought that the Dominant knew them better than themselves and they gave up who they were to please that person.

In a relationship, there will always be learning curves and compromises. Especially in a BDSM dynamic, a Limits list is the minimum a new couple should fill in. I really encourage you to fill in a contract as well. Why? Because this will ensure that everybody in the relationship is on the same page. Contracts can and should be reviewed and revised as the relationship progresses. Things change in time.

A bottom, no matter what title they go by, should always maintain a sense of self, even when in the depths of consensual slavery. Why? Because we are human beings first. We are all individuals. No two people are exactly alike in their thinking or preferences. That’s impossible. Even identical twins have different personalities.

What I’m saying is that even if your Dominant/Master is very good in predicting/understanding your moods/needs, it doesn’t mean that they know exactly what is in your heart and soul. They will never be able to know you better than you do, especially if you pay attention to your body and mind.

Protect yourself and make sure you take care of your own self first because in doing so, you can take better care of your Dominant/Master.

Thoughts? Please leave us a comment below!

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I honestly can’t believe that 2017 has passed by so fast. I say that every single year though. As I get older, it seems that my perception of time differs and speeds up. Just like every year that passes, we’ve had ups and downs. I’ve personally struggled with the motivation to write, been distracted by outside factors, dealt with a health scare in my immediate family and faced other unforeseen challenges. I’ve been horrified by the unprecedented amounts of Natural Disasters, humanitarian crisis, and upheavals in what should have been stable governments. 2017 was definitely a year of much turmoil. 

new years end post

But, I’m not going to talk about all the bad. Too many blogs, regardless of their type, focus on negativity versus positivity. Many bloggers will write another Year in Review that is some version of “New Year New You”, “New Year Renew You”, and my favorite, “New Year Just Be You”. I’m not going that route either. Why? Because it’s been done so many times that I honestly don’t have anything else to add to those. While each of those mottos are great for your self-motivation, they aren’t something I’m feeling this year.

I personally am continuing forward on the path I’ve been on in 2017. While there have been many bumps in the road, I actually like where this journey is taking me. In 2018, I’m going to live one day at a time. I’m altering my daily schedule so that it will allow me time to explore new paths in my personal life journey. Yes, I’m definitely going to continue to write, blog and advise on the BDSM Lifestyle, but I also want to branch out try writing fiction. I have no idea if I’ll be any good at it, or if I will even get a book finished, but I’m determined to try. 

I’m also starting a monthly segment in which I want to showcase a submissive’s talent or hobby that was encouraged or inspired by their Dominant. What do I mean? Well, I’ll use myself as an example. I love doing basic restoration on old furniture. It’s something that I learned at a young age but just kind of left behind as I got older. Padrone encouraged me to take it up again. He found a gorgeous solid wood table and chairs that needed restoration and encouraged me to video my progress. I did and will be releasing those videos in January on our YouTube channel. Without his encouragement, I really doubt I would have tried restoring furniture again.

I know you are thinking that everything I’ve said has absolutely nothing to do with a BDSM relationship or lifestyle. That’s where you would be wrong. Why? The one main factor that has held true through everything I’ve seen, done, or even thought about, was that my Master/Owner/Dominant/Partner Padrone Marco has been right beside me through every aspect of my life this past year: guiding, supporting, and encouraging. Our dynamic is definitely unique to us and not one every couple could use, but it has brought us even closer together. A lot of people in BDSM dynamics focus mainly on the sexual aspects and power exchange involved in this type of relationship. They don’t really think about how their dynamic can affect every aspect in the periphery of their lives. 

This year, try doing what makes you happy. Don’t feel that you need to make resolutions and keep them just because everyone tells you to. Goals are great as long as you are happy and understand that it may be a long haul before you reach it. 

Don’t be so negative about yourself or life. Think about all the positives that you have and remind yourself every day about them. Strive to help those around you stay positive. You might be surprised how these types little changes can impact you. 

Try something different. What have you been putting off that you’ve never done before? Stop making excuses. Need more time? Take the time. Need money you don’t think you have to do something? Make a plan and stick to it to save the money. There are probably many things in your daily life that you can streamline or change to save both time and money. 

Most of all, enjoy living! Living is much more than just being alive. It’s about our connections, feelings and experiences. Don’t ever take any of it for granted. 

I hope you have had a wonderful 2017 and wish you all an awesome 2018. 

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I’ve been in the Lifestyle for over 20 years and the title of ‘slave’ has always been given by the Master to their property. In the past five years or so, within groups on social media, it has become somewhat fashionable to identify as a slave rather than just a submissive, despite having no experience in BDSM and no real frame of reference.

Can You be a Slave if You are Brand New to BDSM?

I posed this question to different social sites asking for their thoughts on self-awarded titles and the responses were extremely varying. Some thought that it was up to the Dominant to give out the title of slave if they felt like it was earned. Others think that the sub has the right to call themselves by whichever title they want as they are the ones it is referring to. Many thought that too much importance was being given to titles/labels and think they should be done away with completely.

Personally, I think every bottom should stay with the title ‘submissive’ until they engage in a Master/slave dynamic and get trained to become the slave of that Master. How else can a person actually know and understand what it means to transition from a submissive to a BDSM Consensual Slave? There are many differences between the two and the titles cannot be interchanged.

Of course, everyone has their own opinion and it’s up to the individual to decide how they will proceed with their journey through the Lifestyle. I’ve written many posts about my thoughts on the different types of submissives, the new titles and descriptions that have popped up in the past 5 years or so, as well as the actual differences between being a submissive and a slave in a BDSM relationship.

I was trained by members of the Old Guard, so I tend to lean that way in my thoughts involving BDSM matters. I believe that there are steps you can not cross or circumvent just to gain a title. Just like respect, titles are earned.

The first thing a person has to do is to gain a basic knowledge of the BDSM lifestyle. After this, they can continue on with their journey, as a Dominant or a submissive, and hopefully find a relationship or dynamic that works for them. Once a couple get together, hopefully makes a limits list and a contract outlining the rules of the dynamic, this would be the appropriate time to discuss different titles, such as submissive or slave, Dominant or Master. How can a person decide they are automatically a slave with no knowledge or experience actually living as one in a relationship setting? It’s impossible and takes the meaning from the word. It actually demeans the title in my opinion.

Let me clarify something. I am not saying that a person cannot have slave tendencies, while still remaining a submissive. This is a different thing. A person can actually say they are a submissive with slave tendencies, while remaining a submissive until they find a dynamic in which they or their Master gives them the permission to use the title of slave.

With the influx of so many new people online exploring the BDSM community, obviously things will change in the Lifestyle and continue to evolve. But, if we do not hold on to the basic teachings, roles, titles, and rules, BDSM will cease to exist and something else entirely different will evolve. I personally, will work to uphold the core values of the Old Guard way of practicing BDSM while keeping an open mind and watching BDSM evolve in ways we have yet to imagine.

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After years of being in a relationship, or even working in the same job, life can become one huge routine. The bright, shiny newness and excitement wear off. We settle down when we’re happy, become complacent and stop being inspired to explore alternative paths in our relationships/jobs. Some may say we get lazy and stop putting in the effort we once did. That may be the case for some, but for others, they honestly just get into a never ending cycle day after day.

BDSM Blogger

I personally have experienced this within my own life. When I first started this blog, I was inspired to write about many different topics related to my experiences in the Lifestyle, as well as my observations inspired by those I have had the privilege of mentioning or helping with their own dilemmas pertaining to BDSM.

I’ve answered many diverse and interesting questions as well as opened up my private life and my struggles with balancing my own submission and my ever present and changing health battles with epilepsy and all the weird stuff that comes with it. I’ve read and commented on countless topics in various groups and community inspired pages. I’ve also written and published some semi successful books on various aspects of BDSM. In the past 6 years, many would look and say, "Wow! She's accomplished a lot." And I am very happy, humble and thankful for what I have accomplished. But... and yes there is almost always a but, what’s next?

In the past couple of years, if you have followed my blog posts and pages, you will have noticed that my new posts have gotten far and few between. "Why?", you may ask. Well, to put it bluntly, I am not inspired as much as I once was to write that often. I concentrate mainly on the mental and emotional side of BDSM. I have written on many diverse topics and some variations of the same topic.

When I go into groups and on pages on different social media sites, I see the same questions, problems, and general issues over and over. I always give my opinion on topics, but very rarely do I find one that is different enough to inspire me to write a new post, because I’ve usually already written about it. While I’ve seen many bloggers write about the same subject on their blogs multiple ways, the information is always the same, but presented with new words. I’m not the type to do that, nor do I think, you, my followers, would want to read something like that from me.

I have actually written a couple, of what I consider, fluff pieces. These are usually How-To posts that you can find variations of on 20 other BDSM related internet sites. These don’t get the views that my personalized posts do because they don’t contain the type of information and advice that many of you have come to associate with me as being ‘my style’.

By now, you have to be thinking, 'is there a point to this' and 'wow she’s whining'. I promise you there is a point and no, I’m not whining, just taking the long way around to make my point.

First, I want to thank each and every one of you that have taken the time to read my blog or buy my books. Your continued support means so much to me. Secondly, welcome to all the new people that are just now discovering my blog and my own journey through BDSM. All the comments I receive from readers really help keep me focused and pushing even when I feel like my writing is blocked or inspiration is gone.

Now, for the point of this blog, I am currently filming what I am calling a mini video series that, while not a BDSM activity, I consider it somewhat related. How is that possible? Well, being a slave to Padrone Marco, he is always encouraging me to push and try new things. He’s always supportive of hobbies I have that are totally unrelated to BDSM. I had given up a hobby of mine many years ago because my previous relationship was so toxic, I completely lost all of my confidence, sense of self, and ability to really explore anything unrelated to my ex because of an acute fear and history of verbal abuse by him.

Over the past six plus years that I’ve been with Padrone, I have grown, regained my confidence and rediscovered myself. Between dealing with everyday life and health issues, I’m revisiting things I used to love to do but had completely given up on. The only reason I’m able to do this now is because of Padrone’s continued unconditional support, patience, love and encouragement.

So, now that I have explained some things, revealed what’s an exciting new video series project I’ve been working on that I will share with you all in the very near future, you want to know what exactly it is, right? Well, you have to wait and follow to see! Yes, that’s evil but I have a reason for not revealing the topic just yet, because I’m hoping that after seeing it, you will be inspired to submit your own similar video to be featured on my blog! Now, no more details until the big reveal!

While I will continue to post blog posts, answer questions, and write new Lifestyle related books in the future, don’t be surprised to see things posted that are not specific to BDSM, but branches in new directions that are inspired and encouraged by my living the Lifestyle as a consensual slave.

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In the BDSM community, there are core values that must be adhered to in order for a dynamic or relationship to be successful. Trust, Truth, and Communication are at the top of that list. Unfortunately, as in real life, many people break these values by actions and/or words.

BDSM Dynamics Advice versus complaining in groups

Over the past few years with the rise of Social Media, I have observed an alarming trend. It seems that many people think just that because they are using an internet application, they can break many rules that in a real life situation, they most likely never would. People can create any identity they want to and portray their lives in any way they choose to by showing whatever they want to their online friends and followers. In real life, while this can be done also, it is much harder to do.

As a member of many BDSM groups on Facebook and Google Plus, just to name a few, I have seen some disturbing posts from one person about their partner/Dominant/submissive. The majority of these posts consist of submissives complaining of things such as feeling they don't receive enough attention, don't get the type of punishment or sex scene they want to more ordinary vanilla life complaints of how their boy/girl friend (husband/wife) doesn't help clean house, make enough money, or take care of the kids. While there is always a time and place to discuss these issues if you have a legitimate need for advice, you should never use an internet group to bad-mouth your partner. Just because social media gives you anonymity, it does not excuse behavior that intentionally betrays the trust and love you have with your partner.

Relationship gossip

I have seen many groups that claim to be 'Support Groups' that are in reality 90% "Bitch about your Dominant in a place where you will get maximum sympathy for your side of the story without any recourse" and 10% actual support and advice for BDSM dynamic related matters. Being over 40, I don't know if it's because of my generation, the way I was raised, or my own set of values, but talking behind the back of your life partner is just wrong on so many levels, especially when that partner is part of your BDSM dynamic.

Let's face it, as women, we do tend to be more emotional than males. We do like to gossip and get advice about some scenario that we're unsure of how to handle. But, when you take some that should be a simple question like "How do I approach this situation?" and turn it into "He/She is the worst because they ..." that is an entirely different animal. If you have been guilty of throwing your partner under the bus in a situation like this, you have broken every moral and rule holding your D/s dynamic together. We all know and feel that once trust is broken, it is nearly impossible to regain it back. So, why potentially put yourself in that circumstance?

Discuss the problem with your partner

When you have a problem with your partner, think it out first and approach them when you are in a calm state. Present the problem from your point of view and if you have thoughts on how to fix that problem, present them as well. Remember that, even though BDSM dynamics are consensual power exchanges, both partners are in it together equally.

If you really need a place to vent about a situation, use private messenger or call a trusted friend to vent and ask for advice. These are much better options than going into groups and exposing all of your dirty laundry to the world. Honestly, you never know who may see that post or if it will get back to your partner. People in large online BDSM rooms can have ulterior or hidden motives for being in the group. You just honestly never know who is behind the screen.

Journaling written or video

Another alternative to using a friend to vent about a relationship matter can be Journaling. Using a journal can help you express every mad, sad, angry or other type of feelings you have without betraying that relationship trust. If you don't want to write your feelings down, record them using a video app on your cell phone. Both options offer a release of the feelings but also an opportunity for you to go back and read or watch what you put down. After time passes, you may see things a little differently than when you where in the height of anger.

Just remember that however you deal with problems in your relationship, to always put your relationship first and not do anything that could compromise that relationship by betraying the trust of your partner.

If you have anything to add, please feel free to comment below.

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There has been a rash of BDSM Lifestyle groups, pages and accounts closings over the past few months and apparently it hasn't stopped. The following poem is to all those haters that keep trying to come after us for no reason. We will always be back!


BDSM is Sensual, Kinky, and Deep. 
It’s with you when you are awake or asleep.
Pictures, stories, and pages on the web abound,
So many trolls always trying to take us down!

Back up and running, with nary a scratch,
Stronger than ever, especially after a rough patch. 
Haters too scared to confront us face to face,
Going behind our backs to make their case. 

Why not try to become an adult troll 
Crawl on out of your little dark hole.
Any time, Any place, Any where you want meet,
I am more than ready for a verbal greet.

When you are no longer scared of the world at large,
and want to come out of hiding to take charge.
We are here, we are waiting, just wanting to see
Who the coward behind the internet mask might be. 

You know me, my friends, and followers as well,
And the one message from all of us is GO TO HELL!

Still Standing - a poem by Michelle Fegatofi

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Kinky bites and bruises can be a little bit like badges of honour, your prize for the gift that you gave to your partner. Your secret memory of the time you spent together. Some people think that having hidden marks after an intense play session with your partner is like wearing sexy underwear to work. Nobody else may know that they are there but you do, feeling them when you sit down or thinking of them.

BDSM Bruises and Bites

Sometimes our BDSM activities follow us into our everyday lives in the form of bruises, discolorations or marks left on our skin from a night of scening or S&M play. When we go into work or see family and friends, they look at the marks and immediately want to know what happened and who hurt you.

Many times, people will explain away the marks or bruises with a plausible explanation, such as saying they fell, got bit or scratched from a pet, or had a really weird accident. What do you do when you really don’t have an excuse and definitely don't want to tell them about your sex life?

BDSM Bites

If you know you have to be in the general vanilla population the next day, be smart about what type of scene or play you participate in. Your butt, boobs and thighs tend to be popular areas for kink related bruises, usually from being spanked, flogged, caned or otherwise beaten. Luckily these are all places that you can hide easily from other people and so shouldn’t cause you too many problems. If you have marks on your wrists, ankles or throat from cuffs or fingers, you may find these harder to hide and/or explain, but these can be avoided by experimenting with different types of cuffs and restraints and finding those which work best for you.

BDSM Hickey

If you want to be bound, use thigh or upper arm restraints so that you can easily wear clothing to cover the evidence. If you insist on using wrist or ankle restraints, use a soft padded cloth next to your skin to lessen the damage handcuffs and ropes can do. This can prevent what for most would be very embarrassing questions.

BDSM Rope Marks

Immediately after a scene, Aftercare should be given by the Dominant to help the submissive recover from heavy impact play. Along with providing comfort and helping the sub to come down from "subspace", attention needs to be paid to the care of the submissive's skin. Rubbing generous amounts of aloe and arnica lotions or creams into the skin will sooth the affected areas and reduce any swelling and redness.

arnica cream

If you have bruises or marks that are still visible, invest in a really good makeup coverup. Dermablend is a very heavy make up that can cover the darkest bruises. I suggest using a powder to set it and help prevent it from wearing off on your clothing fast. For dark, black-and-blue bruises, cover with yellow corrective concealer. If the bruise is more red, you’ll want to use green concealer. Bruises may look different on people with darker and lighter skin tones than I, and may require different makeup.


In essence, just be careful when you play. Make sure you know the consequences of any bruises that might be seen. And always practice safe, sane, and consensual scenes.

If you have anything you would like to add to this topic, please leave them in the comments section below.

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Wax play is a form of temperature play practiced in a BDSM context. The idea of wax play is to introduce a slight burning sensation to the skin. This is considered a moderately advanced form of play. If done wrong, wax play can cause burns severe enough to require medical attention. Keep in mind different body parts have a different tolerance towards wax.

BDSM Wax Play

This tolerance is highly personal and isn’t as obvious as you may think. I’ve seen subs beg for mercy from wax on their abs and the same sub beg for more from wax on their balls. There are some really nasty nooks and crannies on the body for wax but self-preservation prevents me from telling where they are.

Wax cools and solidifies on the body, more wax needs longer to cool, so it burns longer and skin is longer exposed to heat. Be aware of that before filling up the bellybutton in one go. Also, beware of splattering. And this should go without saying, but never drip candle wax on the face. Splattering in the eyes can blind. And also never pour hot candle wax inside a bodily orifice. Keeping it to the outside is fine.

Types of Wax

Types of Wax

  1. Scented candles are paraffin wax mixed with oil and burn at 120 F. These are the typical kind you’ll find in retail stores.
  2.  Pure paraffin wax candles burn at about 135 F. Most unscented white candles are this.
  3. Beeswax candles burn at 145 F. These are the kind sold as tea candles or storm candles, where the point is to be a bright light source for a long time. Some beeswax candles mixed with stearin can burn at 170 F and up. These would be marketed as industrial strength long-lasting, bright lighting candles.
  4. Soy wax candles are the safest of the above for a number of reasons. The melting temperature is, typically, between 135 and 145 F, but cools quickly on contact and makes for a much easier clean up than paraffin. A major benefit over paraffin is that it is not carcinogenic as soy wax is produced using soy beans. It is also less likely to cause skin irritation.

Preparing for Play

  1. A thin film of mineral oil or even baby oil on any skin to be waxed makes removal much easier and can be a fun erotic piece of the scene in itself.
  2. Spread an old sheet or tarp over the play area, to protect your carpet or furniture
  3. Bring a flat hard surface near to the play area to hold your candles, wax pots and other toys securely – this helps avoid spills (unwanted spills) and prevents accidents, like tipped-over candles, etc.
  4. Put a romantic or edgy CD on continuous loop, so that you don’t have to stop the scene to put in another piece of music. Once you are fully engaged with your partner in the erotic wax play scene, stopping abruptly can cause major ‘sub drop’! (Sub drop is also known as submissive drop and can be extremely upsetting, emotionally).
  5. Gather all your scene stuff before beginning play – wet washcloths or towels for instant cooling of wax, ice in a bowl, a mini-fire extinguisher you can purchase from any auto parts store, and anything else you can think of to keep your submissive and your home safe.

Wax removal can be tedious but stretching/compressing the skin a bit will loosen the wax blobs significantly. Wax and hair make for pain play you might not have planned: body hair can be somewhat protected from wax, and cleanup made easier, by coating the hairs with baby oil or mineral oil before wax play begins.

Precautions when using wax


  1. People vary tremendously in pain tolerance when it comes to temperature play. One person will barely feel it, while another one finds it unbearably excruciating. There’s no way to tell ahead of time.
  2. Body areas will also vary widely by pain sensitivity. A drop on your arm feels cooler than a drop on your butt, and so on.
  3. Some people are flat out allergic to most of the additives in candles. Typically if a person has an allergic reaction to perfumes or tree nuts, they should skip the candles too.
  4. No matter how much a subject may enjoy this, be advised that some people scar from wax play, especially with a hotter candle such as beeswax.
  5. Some skin conditions make people more prone to scar from candles or lose some skin when the wax is removed. These range from recent sunburn to eczema.
  6. Some medications make people more sensitives to candle wax. These include blood-pressure medication and steroids, among other.

Just do your research and take every precaution possible before engaging in any type of advanced play.

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