You feel anxious, depressed, and have uncontrollable crying spells. You feel lost, without direction and can't concentrate.
All you want to do is to stay in bed all day and not move. You think to yourself that you don't know why exactly you feel this way. You wonder to yourself if it's normal, if you are normal. You feel alone. The only thing you can think of through all of the misery you are feeling is your Dominant. What is causing this pain and confusion? Separation from your Dominant.
He/She may have just left for work, or you might be in a long distance relationship (LDR). Whatever the situation, for some reason you can't understand, you are feeling a lot of the bad feeling described above. Let me tell you that you are not alone. You are not weird or crazy. After speaking with many submissives and slaves that have described various situations, I am calling this Submissive Separation Anxiety.
Separation anxiety is most commonly recognized as a juvenile disorder in which children experience signs of anxiety when separated from their primary caregiver. In more recent times however, adults have become increasingly diagnosed with adult separation anxiety. Adult separation anxiety is much the same as the disorder as that faced by children.
However, the primary caregiver can be any major attachment figure in the adults life. Most often these attachment figures include spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends, siblings and or friends. Some have described such feelings as almost like an addiction but to a person. An adult with separation anxiety disorder may feel extreme fear and distress when their romantic partner is out of sight.
Being the loved one of someone with Submissive Separation Anxiety can be just as exhausting as being the individual with the disorder. There is a constant demand on your attentions that cannot be calmed or satisfied and often times it will feel as though there is no escape. Even the shortest respite from the clinginess of a loved one with SSD will be interrupted by vies for your attention through text messages and phone calls. Unfortunately living with and loving someone with submissive separation anxiety can be so taxing that relationships soon begin to break down. Each person must be completely committed to the relationship in order for the relationship to survive.
What steps can you take to help improve the situation? First, always know your Dominant's schedule. If it changes frequently, ask your Dom to text you and let you know. Next, if you do not work outside the home, wear one of your Dom's shirts in order to feel closer to him. If you work outside the home, try wearing a piece of jewelry that belong's to him. The weight will help you refocus your mind when panic or depression sets in. Communicate with him off and on throughout the day at designated times. Keep a picture of him on your cell phone or computer so you can see him anytime he isn't there.
These are but a few ways to help combat the feelings. I know there are probably more, but I'm not an expert in this. And here is the trap of Submissive Separation Anxiety. The more you try to make the person like/love you, the more you push them away and the reason for this is simple: to this other person, there is no issue. You are fighting a war in your head that doesn't really exist. It's as simple as that, but it's a damn hard lesson to learn. The reason he doesn't care when you're not around every minute of every day is because it doesn't matter to him, not because he doesn't like you or love you or want to spend time with you, but because he does not share your fear that significant people might not return once they leave.
From his perspective, since he knows you will always come back, he is fine. Why shouldn't he be fine? He is secure in your relationship. He has no reason to believe your departure would or could mean anything other than you have something in your schedule, so he finds something to do on his own and is just as happy. When you return home it's as if nothing has even happened, because nothing has happened, separations and reunions are a natural, normal part of life.
People with Submissive Separation Anxiety have a reason to feel the way that they do. They have a reason to fear abandonment. Many adults with this disorder were once neglected, abused and abandoned kids. They were hurt or not protected by the people they trusted. The important thing to remember is that other people have not had the same experiences and thus do not feel the same way. Adults who have had healthy relationships (particularly in childhood with their parents) are not afraid of being left alone. Their fundamental beliefs about the world are different from those of people with separation anxiety. Accepting and understanding this is the first step at overcoming the disorder.
All you want to do is to stay in bed all day and not move. You think to yourself that you don't know why exactly you feel this way. You wonder to yourself if it's normal, if you are normal. You feel alone. The only thing you can think of through all of the misery you are feeling is your Dominant. What is causing this pain and confusion? Separation from your Dominant.
He/She may have just left for work, or you might be in a long distance relationship (LDR). Whatever the situation, for some reason you can't understand, you are feeling a lot of the bad feeling described above. Let me tell you that you are not alone. You are not weird or crazy. After speaking with many submissives and slaves that have described various situations, I am calling this Submissive Separation Anxiety.
Separation anxiety is most commonly recognized as a juvenile disorder in which children experience signs of anxiety when separated from their primary caregiver. In more recent times however, adults have become increasingly diagnosed with adult separation anxiety. Adult separation anxiety is much the same as the disorder as that faced by children.
However, the primary caregiver can be any major attachment figure in the adults life. Most often these attachment figures include spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends, siblings and or friends. Some have described such feelings as almost like an addiction but to a person. An adult with separation anxiety disorder may feel extreme fear and distress when their romantic partner is out of sight.
Being the loved one of someone with Submissive Separation Anxiety can be just as exhausting as being the individual with the disorder. There is a constant demand on your attentions that cannot be calmed or satisfied and often times it will feel as though there is no escape. Even the shortest respite from the clinginess of a loved one with SSD will be interrupted by vies for your attention through text messages and phone calls. Unfortunately living with and loving someone with submissive separation anxiety can be so taxing that relationships soon begin to break down. Each person must be completely committed to the relationship in order for the relationship to survive.
What steps can you take to help improve the situation? First, always know your Dominant's schedule. If it changes frequently, ask your Dom to text you and let you know. Next, if you do not work outside the home, wear one of your Dom's shirts in order to feel closer to him. If you work outside the home, try wearing a piece of jewelry that belong's to him. The weight will help you refocus your mind when panic or depression sets in. Communicate with him off and on throughout the day at designated times. Keep a picture of him on your cell phone or computer so you can see him anytime he isn't there.
These are but a few ways to help combat the feelings. I know there are probably more, but I'm not an expert in this. And here is the trap of Submissive Separation Anxiety. The more you try to make the person like/love you, the more you push them away and the reason for this is simple: to this other person, there is no issue. You are fighting a war in your head that doesn't really exist. It's as simple as that, but it's a damn hard lesson to learn. The reason he doesn't care when you're not around every minute of every day is because it doesn't matter to him, not because he doesn't like you or love you or want to spend time with you, but because he does not share your fear that significant people might not return once they leave.
From his perspective, since he knows you will always come back, he is fine. Why shouldn't he be fine? He is secure in your relationship. He has no reason to believe your departure would or could mean anything other than you have something in your schedule, so he finds something to do on his own and is just as happy. When you return home it's as if nothing has even happened, because nothing has happened, separations and reunions are a natural, normal part of life.
People with Submissive Separation Anxiety have a reason to feel the way that they do. They have a reason to fear abandonment. Many adults with this disorder were once neglected, abused and abandoned kids. They were hurt or not protected by the people they trusted. The important thing to remember is that other people have not had the same experiences and thus do not feel the same way. Adults who have had healthy relationships (particularly in childhood with their parents) are not afraid of being left alone. Their fundamental beliefs about the world are different from those of people with separation anxiety. Accepting and understanding this is the first step at overcoming the disorder.
Post title: " Submissive Separation Anxiety - When A Sub Experiences Extreme Anxiety When their Dom is Away "
About The Author
Post title: " Submissive Separation Anxiety - When A Sub Experiences Extreme Anxiety When their Dom is Away "
Posted by Anonymous at 6/14/2014 03:15:00 PM June 14, 2014
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I think its important to note here that there is a personality disorder that may resemble the above described symptoms, however, it will include severe symptoms of abandonment as well as instability in all other interpersonal relationships (seen as a black sheep, clingy person, drama queen, psycho etc.), they will switch between idealizing others and then without much reason to the 'accused' other, will turn on a dime and villainize them,this is black and white thinking. characteristics of bpd are often altho not always cutting, and previous suicidie attempts or threats. if you feel that this is a more extreme incident than anxiety over separation, please have your lvoed one evaluated by someone with clinical traiing in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, Its a very treatable illness if help is gotten, without it, its the most deadly and the cause of death is suicide. visit nea/bpd.org for symptoms, research, resources, and tons of tips on how to love someone with BPD, its always been a concern of mine that many BPD's would possibly rather become a miserable broken slave "not saying that slaves are that in general at all, i'm saying it would have been a fair exchange to me at times, if i hadn't gotten help, to give myself over and hate myself for doing that) than to suffer the absolute hell if someone were to abandon me. it's important that you get them help.
ReplyDeleteThanks Michelle, its a really important topic, and i have often wondered why its not discussed more in the life. I fortunately had been in a situation that i wasn't able to enter the life until after receiving DBT and i am so thankful that i'm now positive that this isn't a choice because i feel like i have no other. This is the choice that flew my heart and made me finally content when i felt i should have been for a long time. there is a difference. thanks.
love this!
ReplyDeleteI just left my owner after she ignored my warnings and her own self fulfilling prophecy to not go back as she was setting herself up for destruction and by her own hamd aaaggghhh. She got caught stealing red handed and wonders why i didnt defend her actions. Omg the hurt and e m barressment are unbelievable and the anxiety well you know is hard very hard and i dont have that seperation problem. Atleast i never did in the past. I dont think i have it either still but the hurt and the pain omg stupid girl oh damn her
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