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Michelle Fegatofi 11:32 PM 14 April 2015 Comment here!
Welcome to Talk Tuesday! I'm sorry I missed last week but was very sick, but now I'm better and all caught up on messages. If you sent me an email asking for advice on something, you should have your answer now. Here are the top three questions that I think you will benefit from the most.

BDSM Unveiled Talk Tuesday

Question #1) "I am entering into my first BDSM relationship and we are making a contract first. My Dom wants me to look and agree to different punishments that he has listed for different scenarios if I break a rule. I am not comfortable with some of them so what do I do? Can I not agree to them?

Punishments in a BDSM Contract

First I have to say I am very happy to hear that you are both setting down and filling out a contract so that you both know the limits, rules, and consequences of the relationship you want to build. It is a good sign that he wants you to agree to your punishments before signing the contract so that there should be no confusion in the future if you ever have to be punished for some reason. If there are things in the contract, specifically certain types of punishments you do not want to agree to, then now is the time to tell him. Make sure you have very good reasons and discuss an alternative with him that you and he will both be comfortable with. When I say comfortable with, I don't mean comfort because a punishment is just that: Something given when a rule has been broken. I also advise your Dominant to ensure that the punishment always fits the infraction. Example: the sub is supposed to write a journal entry but doesn't. The punishment for this should be something like writing 50 lines of something, not getting flogged or spanked because it is such a minor infraction. Just make sure that everything you and your dominant put in the contract is something that you both can live with and agree on. That is one of the foundations that will help you build a stronger, longer lasting D/s relationship.


Question #2) "I am involved in a bdsm relationship online with a dom that I just found out is married. I didn't know this until I asked him to come visit me and he always had an excuse. I feel like he is cheating on me and his wife but he said it isn't because we interact online only. I can't decide if I should break it off or not. What do you think? Is it cheating?"

Online Cheating - BDSM Relationships

This is most definitely a form of cheating. I consider any form of flirtatious interactions/picture exchanges with someone your partner doesn't know about to be cheating. The feelings involved in an online only BDSM relationship can be very deep for some while others treat it like a game or fantasy. If you are not comfortable with his cheating and are not happy in your current relationship, then you have to understand you will need to take steps to break off that relationship. Generally, if you find out your partner is actually attached and you are not, then again you have to decide if that is a relationship you want to be in. If the dominant lied to you about his marital status, the chances are that he has lied to you about many other things. You need to evaluate your relationship with him, your own values, and see what your heart tells you to do.

Question #3) "What is the difference in pushing limits of a sub and crossing the Hard Limits boundary?"


Pushing limits vs Hard Limits

Pushing the limits of a sub is taking them just outside their comfort zone and helping them grow their boundaries for things like flogging, pain play, sensory deprivation play. Pushing the limits of a sub might frighten them a little but should not harm them in any way. When you cross the hard limit of a sub, that is breaking the trust you have established with them. If a sub has flogging as a hard limit, that means they do not want to and will not participate in any scenes or scenarios that involve flogging. If a dominant has a sub bound during a scene and brings out a flogger to use on the sub, even though it is a hard limit, they just committed abuse in my opinion. When you participate in a BDSM scene (S&M), always make sure it is with a partner that knows and respects your limits list.

Michelle Fegatofi

I hope you enjoyed this week's Talk Tuesday topics and also learned a little bit more about the topics above. If you have any questions or advise you would like me to answer, please email me at bdsmunveiled@gmail.com


Post title: "BDSM Unveiled Talk Tuesday for 14 April 2015"
by:

Michelle Fegatofi 9:42 PM 31 March 2015 Comment here!
Welcome to BDSM Unveiled's Talk Tuesday! Every week we try to bring you questions that are not normally asked in an effort to help broaden your Lifestyle knowledge. We have a very diverse set of questions for you once again! This week's topics cover 'Safety for first Meetings', '24/7 Switches', and 'Ending an M/s Relationship'.

BDSM Unveiled Talk Tuesday - BDSM Relationships

Question #1) "I have been talking to a Dom online and I want to meet him for a playdate. I have read all kinds of things about safety and want to know what you think about safety protocols?"

BDSM safety protocols

Before you play, I would suggest you meet him just for coffee or something first in a public place. Get to know him more in person before playing. If you can, get a couple of references from other well known Lifestyle members that can vouch for him. You also want to make sure you get the type of car he drives and the license plate beforehand. Write this information down, along with the full name and phone number and give it to a friend in case anything happens to you.

When you do meet him for a play date, make sure you have a couple of safe calls set up. That is where you call a friend at a certain time to let them know you are ok. Most of all, pay attention to your own instincts. If something seems off with the guy, it probably is and I recommend you cut all contact with him. Many times we will ignore our own instincts to our own peril.

For more in-depth information:
First Meetings - Cyber to Real Life


Question #2) "My partner and I are both switches and new to BDSM. We take turns during sex being the dom/sub. If we wanted to live the lifestyle outside of the bedroom, how would that work?"

24/7 switching - BDSM relationships

First, you have to both fill out and agree on what the limits, rules, and protocols will be for each of you when you are in the sub role. Next, I suggest using an alternating schedule with 2 vanilla days in between in order to be able to switch roles more clearly. An example would be 5 days D/s roles, 2 days vanilla, switch roles and do another 5 days.

In order to help each of you get into your correct head space for the role you are taking on that week (Dom/sub), establish a protocol that is symbolic for each of you. You can do something like having the sub kneel before the Dom and placing the collar around the neck while the dom says something significant that affirms the dominant's role at the same time. You might also want to think about establishing a mini uncollaring ceremony in order to help each of you transition out of your roles.

If you feel like you want to go longer or have less days in between, that will be something you will change as you both grow more comfortable with your schedules and roles.


Question #3) "I want to end the relationship with my Master but he says I can't until he wants to call it off. How can I end the relationship with him since I am the slave?"

Ending a BDSM Relationship

First of all, you can end the relationship anytime you wish. If you have a contract or not, you are not bound by anything legal to stay with him. I suggest you tell him point blank that you are formally ending your relationship and will no longer serve him as his slave. If you are living together, you need to make arrangements to leave. If you are both involved with a BDSM community, I suggest you ask another dominant to sponsor or protect you until you are sure you are free from this guy. Most of all, be careful. If you think he is abusive or will be abusive, I suggest a restraining order.  BDSM slavery is freely given and taken away. You are in no way at all bound to him, unless you choose to be. Just remember that no matter what he tries to tell you.

I hope you learned something new and that the Q&A helped you with one of your own Lifestyle questions. If you are having a problem or just want advice on a BDSM related question, send an email to bdsmunveiled@gmail.com. All questions answered anonymously!

BDSM Talk Tuesday - BDSM Relationship Advice


Post title: "BDSM Unveiled Talk Tuesday for 31 March 2015"
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Michelle Fegatofi 11:07 PM 25 March 2015 Comment here!
Welcome to BDSM Unveiled's Talk Tuesday! I have been 'WiFi challenged' all week but am all set tonight! The questions I chose for this week are somewhat different from the ones I normally post. But, I think many people new to the Lifestyle wonder about the same things. This week's topics cover "Starting BDSM", "Submissive Limits - who sets them",  and "Swingers".

BDSM Unveiled Talk Tuesday

Question #1) "What kind of stuff (toys clothes ect) do I need to start practicing BDSM?"

Shopping a BDSM store - BDSM Relationships

None in reality. It depends on what parts of BDSM you want to practice. Do you and your partner want to play with toys, practice bondage? You can use common household items (neckties, stockings, scarves) as blindfolds and binds for arms and legs. If you want to try different things for spanking tools, you can try wooden spoons, spatulas, or hair brushes. You might be surprised if you look around your house as to the things you can use to play sexually. Now, clothes are always optional.

If you want to practice a Dominant/submissive relationship outside the bedroom, you need to establish rules, protocols, and limits with your partner. Whatever you decide, there has to be trust, respect, and open communication between you. Anything you decide to practice should be safe, sane, and most importantly consensual.

For further information read:

S&M on a Budget
Foundations of a D/s Relationship

Question #2) "I'm new to D&S and a submissive. I was reading on your blog about Limits and wondered if it was my place to put limits in place or for my Dominant to put limits in place when I get one? I read that everyone should have limits and there are things I don't want to do. Can you help clear up my confusion?"

BDSM Limits Worksheet by Michelle Fegatofi

You have to set your own limits first. Nobody knows innermost desires, wants, needs and expectations than you. As you grow in your new life as a submissive, you will most likely change some of your limits. Your dominant will have limits that may differ somewhat from yours so he/she will need to maintain their own list. Once you and your dominant have both read, filled in, and then reread your limits list, you will then compare each of them. Make a third list that has one column that is a combined list (ones you both checked off on the worksheet), then two other columns showing your individual lists. This is the list that you can use to base punishments, scenes, and rules about how you want to live your version of the lifestyle on.

I suggest you download my free Limits Worksheet eBook. It will help you think of many things that you might overlook.

For further information read:

Limits in a BDSM Relationship
Free Limits Worksheet eBook


Question #3) "Are all BDSM people swingers?"


Swingers in BDSM - BDSM Relationships


No. You will find most BDSM couples are very committed to each other and monogamous. There are an infinite number of BDSM relationships. Some dominants do not share their submissives while others like to hand their subs to different dominants to play with. Some BDSM relationships are a monogomous Poly group (meaning more than 2 people involved) while others may have an Open play policy. All parties involved in any type of BDSM relationship have to know everything and be honest with the other member or members of their group.


For further information read:

The Differences in BDSM Relationships and Then Some...
Swinging, Swapping, Polysexuality, Polyamory-Polyamorus (or Poly) relationships
Polyamory in BDSM

I hope you found the above questions interesting and informative. Make sure you read the suggested posts afterwards to help your understanding of a particular subject grow. If you have any questions you would like to ask me or advise on, send an email to bdsmunveiled@gmail.com.

BDSM Unveiled Talk Tuesday - BDSM Relationships



Post title: "BDSM Unveiled Talk Tuesday for 25 March 2015"
by:

Michelle Fegatofi 12:32 AM 18 March 2015 1 Comment
This week instead of addressing normal Talk Tuesday questions, I am writing on a particular subject that I feel will be very beneficial for many new submissives and Dominants. Next week, the normal Talk Tuesday post will be back so get your questions in to us now at bdsmunveiled@gmail.com.

BDSM Unveiled Talk Tuesday - BDSM Relationships

Topping from the bottom is when the bottom (submissive) directs how the scene or relationship goes. It is considered inappropriate behavior in most D/s circles. It can have many connotations, some of which make the dominant seem to be the less dominant person in the relationship. It also can be looked upon as the submissive trying to get the attention of their dominant because the submissive feels that they aren't getting enough.

Topping from the Bottom - BDSM Relationships

Why does a submissive top from the bottom? This is the question that has many conflicting answers. Some suggest that it is simply to get attention from the dominant. Some say that it is to act out against the dominant because they don't want the control. Sometimes the submissive is naturally more dominant than their dominant, so it comes natural for them to bottom top. And still, there are also cases of the submissive being trained by the dominant to bottom top. Each person is different, so it can't really be said that there is one reason that a submissive bottom tops without truly knowing them.

Disrespectful submissive - SAM


Some subtle ways that a submissive might control their Dominant is by denying things to their Dominant until they feel that it is the right time to give him what he wants (affections, completing tasks, service). One of the major pieces of D/s lifestyles is letting your Master stretch your limitations, maybe trying new things you would have never let yourself try before out of shame or fear. Now I'm not suggesting that you should just put your life in a Dominant's hands and have no limits. Please have limits because safe, sane, and consensual play is always key. However if you do not trust your Dominant to punish as needed or pleasure you in his way in his own time, then the relationship isn't what it could be.

Always SSC - BDSM Relationships

How do you recognise if your submissive is topping you from the bottom?

  • They always ask 'Why' when given an order.
  • They outright ignore commands or requests.
  • They make all decisions on their own without following the dominant's directions. 
  • They tell the dominant what to do or how to behave during a scene. 
Sub directs a scene

The above list is but a few signs that would be prevalent in these situations. If your submissive or yourself displays these signs, you should stop and ask yourself why. If this is a recurrent behaviour, then two situations come to my mind as a possible cause. First, you could be a switch and not know or understand that you have those tendencies. Second, you are not in a D/s dynamic that allows you to submit for some reason; the sub is not sub enough or actually not submissive. In this situation, reasons are often that the submissive doesn't trust or respect the dominant or that the dominant is not strong enough in personality to keep the sub's submission.


Sub shows Switch Tendencies

The solution to this could be as simple as putting the submissive in her/his place. They could just be pressing the limits to see when they will be stopped. Once the law has been laid down again this can stop the situation immediately. However sometimes the issue is deeper and something to be addressed more formally. It could be that the submissive has deep trust issues, if this is the case then counselling maybe the only way to help the situation. Really it can be different for all Dominant/submissive couples so it is key to make sure that it is not a serious emotional issue before corrective measures are taken.

If you have anything to add to this conversation, please leave comments below! All creative commentary and diverse opinions welcome!


Post title: "Submissive Behaviors: Topping from the Bottom"
by:

Michelle Fegatofi 10:58 PM 10 March 2015 Comment here!
This week on BDSM Unveiled's Talk Tuesday, we discuss 'Brats/SAMs', 'Taken in Hand relationships', and 'Secret BDSM Groups'.

Questions and Answers BDSM Unveiled Talk Tuesday - BDSM Relationships

Question #1) "I recently found the world of bdsm and i was simply sucked into the beauty of it all. Your book bdsm for beginners really gave me a basic understanding of the kink world and is a big reason why i chose to explore the scene. In my every day life I'm a vanilla girl working her way to becoming a strong independent woman. I recently tested really high for brattiness on a bdsm test and i was wondering what you think of brats? I understand that theres a fine line between being a playful submissive and just being down right disrespectful and the term brat is often frowned upon in the community. I just wanted your opinion as there is scarce resources on this particular topic."

Brat / SAM - BDSM Relationships

Brat is a term that has been utilised more in recent years (mostly since 2000) in the world of BDSM, especially since the online community started becoming more active. Depending on who you ask, you will get different answers about what a brat is and if it is even a real term or role. To me, brat is not an actual role or sub category, but an adjective describing a SAM. In an earlier blog post I wrote called 'What Type of Submissive are You?', I talk about SAM's (Smart-Ass Masochists). They deliberately misbehave most or all of the time so the Dominant will punish them. These types of subs are frowned upon in the BDSM community. Most people feel these subs are too weak to honestly ask for what they want or in some cases, they are not aware that they want to be punished. At times, they can provoke real anger without thinking how their behavior can affect the Dominant. The Dominant may then lose control and do actual harm to the SAM. They feel great remorse in losing control and can lose confidence in their Dominant abilities. You are right when you say there is a fine line between SAM and playful. If you do have a sense of humour, make sure that your Dominant does also. If he/she doesn't, they can very well see any attempts at playfulness as disrespect. Second, take care to not cross over the line into disrespect when you do play with your dominant. As far as those tests are concerned, I honestly don't think they are real or accurate when it comes to online tests. I would not put too much significance on what a personality test says and concentrate on developing your own wants/needs and those of your partner.


Question #2) "I stumbled across your site after doing a Google search for "bdsm housewife." On the first page, third from the top and hidden amongst 8,480,000 results that seem to mostly consist of tacky porn, was your article "Being a 1950s Style Housewife in 2013." Jackpot!


Taken in Hand Relationships - BDSM relationships

Unfortunately, your article is pretty much the only thing I could find about the topic. I believe this definitely falls under the BDSM umbrella, but it's difficult to find anything about it. There are plenty of resources for ropes and whips and chains, any plenty more for what I've come to think of as the caricature of BDSM roles. Hardly any resources, I'm afraid, for the more subtle side of BDSM that I think this topic touches on.

I was hoping you could direct me to additional resources or, if you know of none, that you and your husband would consider writing a bit more about this topic. I wish I could be more specific about what I'm trying to find, but part of the problem is not really having the language to describe what it is we're looking for. It's difficult for two very progressive people to realize that they both desire what I can best describe as a more "traditional" marriage dynamic. Any help or information you (and/or your husband) can provide would be greatly appreciated."

Submitted wife - BDSM relationships

What you are describing sounds like a Taken in Hand relationship. I am glad you found my article useful. Below, I have compiled a list of different Taken in Hand websites that I hope will help discover what exactly you and your wife seek. While most Taken in Hand relationships utilise spankings and various forms of discipline, you do not have to, unless you both agree that it would be beneficial to you both. I have to say upfront that I have not read the entire websites but have skimmed and think they will be a good start for your and your wife's journey. Some of them may have religious connotations in them that I am not aware of. While I am not religious and do not promote any type of religion, I do respect all views of religion from others.

Please read and let me know if you have more questions and I will be happy to answer or direct you if I can.

http://surrendered.blog.com/taken-in-hand-relationship/
http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Am-In-A-Taken-In-Hand-Relationship/1771408
https://desiringdiscipline.wordpress.com/2012/08/15/cdd-ttwd-taken-in-hand-and-what-do-the-men-think-of-this/
http://adomesticdisciplinesociety.blogspot.it/p/blog-page_6.html
http://adomesticdisciplinesociety.blogspot.it/2013/04/taken-in-hand-head-of-household-tih-hoh-role-domestic-discipline.html
http://unconventionalwoman.blogspot.it/2008/03/taken-in-hand-and-alpha-male.html
http://adomesticdisciplinesociety.blogspot.it/2012/09/becoming-taken-in-hand.html

These should give you a great beginning and at least give you a better description of the type of relationship you and your wife strive to make. After reading the blogs above, let me know if you have questions and I will try to help.


Question #3) "My wife is in a secret bdsm group. Should i worry? i do trust her. She says its cause we are in a good place in our relationship, she didn't feel the need to have to tell me. Shes dedicated to me and then last night she told me she i my sub and submits and trust only me to give her the love and protection she needs. And told me im her dom i have never really dommed before so this is new to me. Any advice you have would be very helpful and appreciated. You know on how to properly dom how to keep her happy and when and how to discipline and reward her."

Secret Groups - BDSM relationships

If she is telling you that she is in a secret group and you want to find out about the group, ask to be put into it yourself. You might learn some things from it. As long as she is not hiding the fact she is in a BDSM group and you two continue to have open and honest communication, I wouldn't worry. As far as learning more about the world of BDSM, the first thing you have to do is read as much as you can about the bids lifestyle before you start trying to implement anything into your relationship. Read about the different types of relationships and decide with your wife what type of dynamic you wish to learn. A couple of websites to read would be thelairofladyhecate.com, bdsmunveiled.com, and submissiveguide.com. They offer many posts that will be very helpful to you and your wife.

I hope you all found this week's topics informative once again. If you have anything you would like to ask me or questions you need advice on, please email me at bdsmunveiled@gmail.com.

BDSM Unveiled Talk Tuesday


Post title: "BDSM Unveiled Talk Tuesday 10 March 2015"
by:
bdsmunveiled
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