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Michelle Fegatofi 1:14 AM 21 November 2014 Comment here!
40% Off Sale on Michelle Fegatofi Printed Books @! Begins 11/21 - Ends 11/30

40% Off Sale on Michelle Fegatofi Printed Books @! Begins 11/21 - Ends 11/30

Post title: "40% Off Sale on Michelle Fegatofi Printed Books @! "

Michelle Fegatofi 12:35 AM 19 November 2014 Comment here!

This week, I'm addressing 'How to get through the holidays without a BDSM partner', 'Advice for an LDR of two switches', and lastly ''A very confused couple that likes kink'.


Question #1) "I am new to the BDSM scene but I have a boyfriend in Australia that is also my pet/Master... Is there any advice you or your master want to impart? I'm mostly a Dom. but sometimes I enjoy my pet taking control and owning me... We are both switch."

This is a very broad question, so I can only give a broad answer. Since you are new, I encourage you to read many different books and web sites on the multiple ways you can practice a BDSM lifestyle. This way, you can learn more about the Dominants and submissive types and see where you are comfortable when you are in that role. You will both want to explore your limits, so you should find and fill out a Limits Worksheet. There are many available online. I encourage you to fill out a BDSM Contract as well. It should detail rules, punishments, protocols, and limits for each of you for both roles, since you are both switches.

General BDSM

Remember to always keep an honest two-way communication between you and whenever a problem arises, to bring it up as soon as possible and not let it wait and fester. Never think you have read or learned everything in BDSM because there is always something new or a different way of thinking that comes up. 

Here are some recommended links for further reading on the above topic:
Online BDSM Relationships
Foundations of a BDSM Relationship
Differences in BDSM Relationships

Question #2) "Here in the US it will be Thanksgiving in a little more than a week and of course Christmas and New Years are right around the corner. Have you any suggestions on how Submissives (especially those still seeking a Dominant) can address getting through the holiday blues that sometimes happens when you are alone?"

Alone on Holidays

This is a question that can apply to vanilla and BDSMers both. From a BDSM standpoint, I would suggest trying to find one or more Munches to go to around your area. There, you can possibly make friends and exchange contact information with other like-minded people. Another resource to utilize would be the internet. Many people in the Lifestyle are in online groups and might be alone as well. If you are friends with them and neither of you have plans, think about using a free online video messaging program to talk together while you eat or just relax at home. 

If you are in the mood to play and don't mind playing with strangers, find a reputable BDSM club in your area. Even if you aren't in the mood to hook up or scene, you might find a friend to talk to during the holidays. 

BDSM Holiday Dinner with Friends

Here are some recommended links for further reading on the topic:
Find a Munch
Local BDSM Communities

Question #3) "Would you help me please understand which sub I am and understand my guys dominance please. I'm very new to this type of relationship and my closed mindedness still sees it as bullying not erotic (my guy had never told me that he likes this type of sex but does it when we're having sex).

BDSM Switch Flag
Switch Pride Flag

He loves wrestling me (I initiated that), punching my stomach (he lets me do it back to him), choking me, slapping me which causes me in defense and gut reaction to slap him back (he says he wants me to slap him back) pinning me down and calling me a bitch saying "this is how you treat a bitch", thrusting hard into me while saying "this is how you control a bitch, this is how a pimp marks his terriority, this is how you claim a bitch"

I love wrestling him (being succumbed by power), punching him back (shows that I'm actually of equal power to him), being riden hard (passionate, no holding back sex) being told he's claiming me (not as claiming but more like the true blood "sookie is mine" statement. Someone thinks you're worth protecting and claiming as their own and noone elses)


I really despise the "bitch" name calling and the pinning me down while saying "this is how you treat a bitch". I hate the humiliating and degrading side of submission. He gets frustrated explaining to me that when he says "bitch" he means it as an attitude (he knows I'm not a bitch) and because he says he's role playing it doesn't mean anything. Its true that he doesn't do any of those things unless he is wanting sex from me. He's actually respectful and attentive other times.

Is this just a normal bdsm relationship behaviour or is this behaviour i should be worried about. Can you help me understand his "bitch" roleplaying from his point of view so I can understand him better please?"

Name Calling in BDSM

This question came to me through my Goodreads page. I have to preface this by saying the profile that posted this in the comments section, as well as the one right above it, were both just opened in November 2014 with no previous activities other than comments on an old post I wrote called 'What Type of Submissive are You?' I have my doubts about this being a genuine comment, but as I am an adult and take all questions seriously, I will answer it to the best of my knowledge.

BDSM Categories

Now, as far as classifications, from your post, neither you or your partner are submissives. I would classify you both as Sadomasochistic Switches in role playing scenarios. Being new, you need to read and research S&M scenes as well as role play to gain more knowledge about them. You should also both read more about the basics of BDSM and learn the different roles, as well as the most often used terminology. 

Once you have more knowledge, you both should complete a limits list detailing what you will do, won't do, and what you might want to try. I also suggest writing an informal contract in which you agree when and where you will be in your roles, types of punishments agreed upon, rules, protocols, and Limits. With a contract, you will both be on the same page and it will help you both be clear on the other's position.  

Michelle Fegatofi BDSM Educational Books

Here are some recommended links for further reading on the topic:
BDSM Contracts
BDSM Limits
General Guideline for Dominants

I hope you enjoyed this week's questions for Talk Tuesday! Please feel free to extend the conversion by leaving your own comments below!

If you have any questions you would like answered, please send them to!

Post title: "BDSM UNVEILED Talk Tuesday November 18, 2014"

Michelle Fegatofi 12:04 AM 13 November 2014 1 Comment

Today's questions span a variety of subjects, from 'what a Dominant is' to 'how to find a mentor'.

Master versus Dominant

Be sure to read the links that I have listed after each question to become more informed about each of today's topics.

Question #1) "Many people go to school to get Certificates in various fields. After all when you receive a service you want some documentation that the person offering the service knows what he or she is doing. What makes a Master a Master? When someone says they are a professional Dominant what makes that so? Is it their number of years in the Lifestyle, what were they doing all of those years to develop skills as a Dominant or to maintain their skills. Just because a person has dominant tendencies what allows him to call himself a Master?"

BDSM Master

This is a question that could be answered in many ways, depending on who you ask. First, let's address what exactly a Professional Dominant is. These are people who are Dominants for hire. They dominate people, have sessions with them, for a price. You usually see more women (Mistresses) than men in these types of roles.

BDSM Mistress

Now, to address the difference between a Dominant and a Master. A dominant is a person that is in a role of authority over another person. This is a person that has a naturally dominant character. A dominant can be a male or female. They normally do not do it for money. They consider themselves Dominants instead of a Master because they have submissives and not slaves. They usually only dominate in the bedroom or certain parts of a sub's life, but not in every part of a sub's life.

Master slave relationship

A Master is someone that usually has years of experience and knowledge in the lifestyle. They have a submissive that is usually submissive 24/7 and many times consider the submissive to be a slave. They know their slave so deeply that many times they anticipate the needs of the slave without any words being said.

BDSM Dominant Master

Many times, people can and will interchange the terms Dominant and Master. New people with no experience will call themselves Master just because they think they deserve the title. In my humble opinion, someone can't be a Master without ever having owned a slave, just as a submissive
can't be a slave without ever having been owned and served a Master.

For further reading on related subjects:


Question #2) "My life all the time was one vanilla. Now since year and a half ago, I met a man and I fell in love with him. We spend time daily talking and talking. And he said that he wants to collar me and start training me. One of the hardest things (for me) is the he wants to own a slave, me. 
Honestly I don't like the idea and it makes me feel sick. I can't see him with another woman and I can't imagine being with another woman touching or licking for real. But he desire that with me. We have a huge disagreement that day. The next day I told him that I used to masturbating me thinking on something like that and I said him that maybe I can do it for real... for him not for me.
Honestly I don't think I will feel happy with that .. and I don't know what to do, every time he said something about that I turn angry and upset. I need some kind of light in this moment. I will appreciate every word that you for me, all this Master/slave is so new for me and many things catch my attention a lot but this ones is hurting me a lot."

New submissive

First, never do anything that you do not want to do. BDSM is all about Safe, Sane, and Consensual. If he demands you do something that is against your will, say no and walk away. Being a slave in BDSM is a complete consensual thing. It is solely the choice of the submissive to give their submission to a dominant. It does not mean that you really are owned like property. If you aren't comfortable with being a slave but you are intrigued by becoming a submissive, try that first. I strongly encourage you to read everything you can find about BDSM in general and concentrate on the role of a submissive. 


I recommend you read these websites in depth to learn more about the BDSM lifestyle:

BDSM Mentor Role

Question #3) "How does one find a mentor and what exactly are the duties of a mentor?"

There are many ways to find a mentor in BDSM. Becoming friends online with someone that is known and has been involved in the Lifestyle for a long time. Also, going to munches and making friends might help you find a mentor.

BDSM Lifestyle Mentor

In my opinion, a mentor is someone that will answer questions and concerns that you have and help guide you, but not lead you as a dom leads a sub. A good mentor will give you options to a problem and step back to allow you to choose the path you want to take. They will help you navigate the lifestyle but will not put you on a path. 

Here are some helpful links for further reading:

I hope the questions above have helped broaden your knowledge in different BDSM topics. If you have a question you want me to address, email us at

Talk Tuesdays

Post title: "BDSM Unveiled Talk Tuesday for November 11, 2014"

Michelle Fegatofi 8:19 AM 05 November 2014 Comment here!

I am proud to announce a new partnership with Sensual BDSM, an informative, artsy, and educational group based on Google +, ran by +SirDuŇ°anGabrielson and his educated team of moderators.

Sensual BDSM

While you can find my blog posts and poetry there, you will also find many other links and posts concentrating on the softer side of BDSM from many different sources. I encourage you to stop by and take a look at!  
Post title: "Announcing a New Partnership with Sensual BDSM on Google +"

Michelle Fegatofi 11:57 PM 04 November 2014 1 Comment

This week I received many different types of emails asking various questions related to the Lifestyle.

Below are a group of questions that are somewhat related in topic, so these are the ones that I've chosen to share with you this week.

Online relationships

Question #1) "Many Submissives find themselves without dominants for one reason or another (release, death, or simply not clicking with any Dominant, etc.). How do you nurture your submission when there is no one to submit to?"

Many submissives are in this situation, especially those new to BDSM. While in-between relationships or waiting to connect with your first Dominant, you should always try to educate yourself more by reading books and websites about the Lifestyle, but mainly about the different types and ways to submit. You can gain a solid base knowledge of what BDSM offers and ensure that you have a very good grasp of your own expectations.

Research BDSM Online

You can practice different submissive positions and become fluid and graceful in transitioning between them. You can ensure that you you have your limits list completed and that you understand all,of your limit. To feel closer to other submissives or just to be around the Lifestyle more, visit online submissive groups or go to munches in your area.

While these do not replace or fulfill the need to serve a Dominant in a submissive way, staying educated and furthering that knowledge can help you feel more connected to the BDSM community, as well as helping you attain a better overall understanding of what your own place in the Lifestyle may be.

For further reading on this topic:
Submissive or Slave Training

Question #2) "Now that the JDI Dating site has been found to be creating profiles in order to get people to buy premium introduction packages, what can Submissives do to keep themselves from being victims of fake profiles on BDSM sites?"

Fake Dominant

While I wish I had a revolutionary answer for this, I fall back to common sense and the old saying 'if it's too good to be true, it usually is'. The main pitfalls to watch out for are obvious ones such as a person not willing to give you their real name or show you a real picture of themselves. If their profile boasts about having many years of experience and having been with many submissives, ask yourself why they kept changing submissives? If they boast about or show pictures of things that cost a lot of money, be skeptical. True dominants never show off or boast about financial matters.

If the dominant gives you the feeling that they really don't have a clue as to what they are talking about compared to the experience they say they have, that is a huge red flag. If a person demands you call them Master or anything other than their name when you first meet them, that's another red flag! Titles and respect are earned over time, never demanded.

Red flag warning

I know of a few people that have portrayed themselves very convincingly as dominants and was able to hide their true nature or identities online from some very smart women. But, in the end, the 'dom' slipped up and the submissive found out exactly what they were about.

Use your instincts and be as careful and observant as possible, but don't be paranoid. While there are many fake people and profiles online, there are just as many real ones out there waiting to connect.

For further information:

Warning Signs of a Fake Dom
Predators are Everywhere

Question #3) "Why is it that when I am to the point that I am strong enough to carry on without him he sends me a message (I miss you) and drags me back in? Why does it hurt so much trying to get through the day without hearing from him? I have been reading a lot about fake and wanna be DD's and I really feel like this is what he is but I love and care for him so much that it doesn't matter to me. Am I putting myself in danger still wanting a D/s relationship with him?"

Unhealthy Relationships

I think you are infatuated with this man and and will put up with almost anything from him just to hang on to a relationship in order to not be alone. Many women have an intense fear of being alone or growing older without a partner. You know the type of relationship you want and deserve. You should not compromise 75% of your expectations just to stay with someone that isn't worth all the effort you are putting forth. As far as being hurt, I don't see any other outcome from what you have told me. I see emotional and mental anguish during the course of the relationship and much more at the end.    

End unhealthy relationships

I would advise you to end the relationship, block all contact with him and move forward. It's scary and hard, but I think it would be in your best interest.

If you have any questions that you would like me to answer, send them to


Post title: "BDSM Unveiled Talk Tuesday for November 4"
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