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Michelle Fegatofi 10:54 PM 05 May 2015 Comment here!
Welcome back to BDSM Unveiled's Talk Tuesday! This week I chose a variety of questions I hope you find interesting and informative. This week's topics cover 'Breakup due to Falling in love', 'Properly addressing Dominants', and 'Renewing Old D/s Contracts'.

BDSM Relationships

Question #1) "My Dominant doesn't believe in having submissives that he loves. I told him that I was falling in love with him and wished to take our relationship to the next level. He promptly released me and said while saying he wasn't in love with me and never would fall for any of his subs in that way. I am now broken and don't know where to turn or what to do next. Any advice or directions you can provide will help."

BDSM Relationships

First I am very sorry to hear this and I hope you have a support system to help you get through this. Breakups are never easy and it can be especially hard when in a D/s relationship. Since I don't know if you had a contract or if he was upfront with you about the consequences of developing feelings for him, I won't try to elaborate on that point. What I will tell you is this: you have to allow yourself time to cry and grieve the loss of your dominant. You need to take time for yourself and cry, eat ice cream, scream in your pillow, curse his name and say every mean nasty thing about him you ever wanted to your stuffed animal, pout and wallow in sorrow right now because that is the first step to healing. After a week or two goes by, you have to make yourself start living again, little by little. Spend time with your friends. Take walks outside for a few minutes by yourself to just enjoy nature. Take this time to look deep inside yourself and get to know you again. And do not rush into another relationship or look for another one for at least 6 months. The reason I say 6 months is because that is normally the least amount of time people need to completely get over their previous relationship. I hope this helps. If you want to talk further or need a shoulder, you can always email me.



Question #2) "I have been around the Lifestyle now for a few months and have noticed that online, many so-called dominants demand every sub call them Sir. I have actually been kicked out of a couple of groups because I called the dominant that ran the group by his first name. I was led to believe that you don't call anyone Sir unless they are your own Dominant. Am I right or wrong? Thanks."

BDSM Relationships

I personally do not call anyone other than my own Master (Padrone) by any title unless my own Padrone tells me to. I call them by their first name and that is it. In real life BDSM circles, if you call someone that is not your dominant by Sir, they will most likely look at you strangely or tell you to not address them as such because it is not proper. The lesson I usually try impart to new people in the lifestyle is that if a Dominant has to demand you call them Sir/Madam etc..., they are most likely not real dominants and are fakes or even abusers. Real dominants do not demand respect, they earn it overtime and are given it naturally.



Question #3) "I have a contract with my Dominant and it is 3 years old. Our relationship has changed since we wrote and signed it. I asked my Dominant if we can write a new one to make sure that we are both on the same page with terms/rules/regulations/punishments/protocols. He said the old one was just fine and we should know by now what to expect in every situation from the other one. I don't agree with this and really would feel better if we wrote an updated contract. How can I get him to agree to this without stepping out of my submissive boundaries and seeming pushy?"


I spoke with my Padrone (Dominant/Master) about this situation and he and I both do not understand what the problem is with updating the existing contract to reflect your relationship as it is now. If your dominant does not want to update the contract after you have sat down and explained to him your own reasons for wanting to, then there seems to be some other underlying problems that you might need to dig into deeper. I would suggest broaching the subject one more time being a little more assertive than you were last time, but still respecting your dynamic. If he still does not want to redo the contract, write it up yourself and present him with it. Ask him to read and sign it. If he still refuses, then you have to decide for yourself what your next step will be.

I hope you enjoyed this installment of Talk Tuesday. If you want to participate in the conversation further, please leave a comment below.


Post title: "BDSM Unveiled's Talk Tuesday for 5 May 2015"
by:

Michelle Fegatofi 11:25 PM 01 May 2015 4 Comments
This past week has brought a firestorm of responses about my personal description of what an Alpha sub is as well as to a post I wrote for Lady Hecate's The Lair of Lady Hecate website about my thoughts on new terms that have been popping up around the BDSM online community such as Alpha sub, brat, and primal. I have received comments ranging from those that agree with me and those that adamantly oppose anything I write about. I never try to push my thoughts on others, but do speak my mind and stand by my beliefs.

Are the core principles of bdsm being corrupted by new terminologies?

I have been active in real life BDSM communities since 1991 and online since around 1998. If you were a member of any groups or communities before the internet, you know there wasn't much change in BDSM since before the 1960s. With the invention of the internet, the popularity of erotica books and now Kink related movies growing stronger, there has been an influx of new (mostly online only) people into the Lifestyle. This influx has brought changes, new terminology, and new ways of thinking about roles, protocols, rules, and punishments.

Life is all about growing and changing, learning new ways of thinking and adapting to advancements in the environment around you. This applies to practicing a BDSM Lifestyle also. Learning new things or gaining knowledge from a different perspective on a subject you are already familiar with is always a blessing. This helps you grow as a person. But, when people start making up terms to describe submissive behaviors in ways that are not remotely submissive or inline with the core definition of submission, this can produce confusion and misrepresentation of what a true BDSM relationship is supposed to be or involve.

Confusion and Misrepresentation of BDSM

I have seen so many submissives come into the Lifestyle with a preset notion of how they are supposed to act and what they think is expected of them as submissives. They like the thought of being told what to do by a Dominant person and being sexually dominated. Now, when it comes to doing things they may not like, but is not on their Hard or Soft limits list, they balk at the very idea!

Example, I had a person message me about what she perceived as a problem. She had entered into a D/s relationship with a Dominant and had a list of tasks she was supposed to complete each day. She only completed the tasks when she "felt like it". She would constantly tell her Dominant "No" for no reason other than she was lazy. Her Dominant would then punish her because she didn't complete the task. They had many discussions about their dynamic, rules and expectations. She told me that she was an Alpha Sub and therefore had the ability to pick and choose when, where, and how she submitted to her Dominant, despite their mutual agreement. My advice to her was to re-evaluate her own life and decide if she really wanted to be a submissive. I told her that submission is a need you have to feel inside, not just an act to put on.

True Submission is a need you feel inside

There are people that are true submissives but need a title or category to explain what kind of submissive they are. Thinking back over the numerous submissives I have encountered throughout my time in the Lifestyle, I saw certain patterns emerge. I consulted with other long standing members of the community and gave those patterns names which I published as a blog post entitled What Type of Submissive Are You. I use these different descriptions to help guide new submissives when they are seeking meaning to what they are feeling. I never tell them that they are one type of submissive and that is it. The fact is that most submissives cross into more than one category.

Along with the influx of new people into the Lifestyle has come a huge amount of new blogs and books written on various parts of BDSM. Some of these have taken it upon themselves to invent new terms of submissives that in my personal opinion, no way reflect on what a real submissive is. There are some descriptors I have read that basically take all of the submission out of the word submissive. What do I mean? Basically, many terms that are being used now are not a true reflection of the lifestyle and if followed by enough people, could actually influence or change the core of BDSM in a bad way.

Dominant or submissive

At the core you have a Dominant and a submissive. The genders, race, age, and beliefs may be different from person to person, but they are still either a Dominant or a submissive. A Dominant is the one that takes control and responsibility for the submissive. The submissive is the one that feels the need to give up control and loves being controlled by a Dominant. The extent of Domination and submission will vary from each dynamic, scene and couple/group. But again, there is still a Dominant and a submissive.

We have many labels for what we call Dominants (Master, Mistress, Sir, Madam, Daddy, Mommy) and even submissives (sub, slave, babygirl, babyboy, kajira, pet). Even with all these different labels, we still only have a Dominant and a submissive.

BDSM Titles and Names

So, what is my point exactly? My point is that I worry that the actual core and deep meaning of true BDSM relationships may be compromised in the future if people continue to make up new terms and meanings just to sell books or promote websites that do not reflect the core principles of BDSM. It's fine to use descriptors to describe various Dominant or submissive behaviours but it should be done so in a responsible way. Use terms that are widely accepted and have roots already in the real life kink community versus making up some term, such as the ones above, that can compromise the community.

Are the core principles of BDSM being compromised by new terminologies? Yes. Can we do something about it? Yes. If you are serious about being in a BDSM relationship, serious about practicing a true D/s lifestyle, then do your own homework. Research and talk to qualified members that have a proven track record in our world. Don't believe all these new terms that are popping up everywhere and make no sense in the grand scheme of the BDSM world.

A Global BDSM Community

You may or may not agree with me about how important descriptors and terms are to us, but as humans, it's almost a fundamental need for most people to fit into a category. That is why this is such an important topic to consider.



Post title: "Are the Core Principles of BDSM Being Compromised by New Terminologies?"
by:

Michelle Fegatofi 10:44 PM 23 April 2015 1 Comment


Post title: "In the Process of Moving! "
by:

Michelle Fegatofi 11:32 PM 14 April 2015 Comment here!
Welcome to Talk Tuesday! I'm sorry I missed last week but was very sick, but now I'm better and all caught up on messages. If you sent me an email asking for advice on something, you should have your answer now. Here are the top three questions that I think you will benefit from the most.

BDSM Unveiled Talk Tuesday

Question #1) "I am entering into my first BDSM relationship and we are making a contract first. My Dom wants me to look and agree to different punishments that he has listed for different scenarios if I break a rule. I am not comfortable with some of them so what do I do? Can I not agree to them?

Punishments in a BDSM Contract

First I have to say I am very happy to hear that you are both setting down and filling out a contract so that you both know the limits, rules, and consequences of the relationship you want to build. It is a good sign that he wants you to agree to your punishments before signing the contract so that there should be no confusion in the future if you ever have to be punished for some reason. If there are things in the contract, specifically certain types of punishments you do not want to agree to, then now is the time to tell him. Make sure you have very good reasons and discuss an alternative with him that you and he will both be comfortable with. When I say comfortable with, I don't mean comfort because a punishment is just that: Something given when a rule has been broken. I also advise your Dominant to ensure that the punishment always fits the infraction. Example: the sub is supposed to write a journal entry but doesn't. The punishment for this should be something like writing 50 lines of something, not getting flogged or spanked because it is such a minor infraction. Just make sure that everything you and your dominant put in the contract is something that you both can live with and agree on. That is one of the foundations that will help you build a stronger, longer lasting D/s relationship.


Question #2) "I am involved in a bdsm relationship online with a dom that I just found out is married. I didn't know this until I asked him to come visit me and he always had an excuse. I feel like he is cheating on me and his wife but he said it isn't because we interact online only. I can't decide if I should break it off or not. What do you think? Is it cheating?"

Online Cheating - BDSM Relationships

This is most definitely a form of cheating. I consider any form of flirtatious interactions/picture exchanges with someone your partner doesn't know about to be cheating. The feelings involved in an online only BDSM relationship can be very deep for some while others treat it like a game or fantasy. If you are not comfortable with his cheating and are not happy in your current relationship, then you have to understand you will need to take steps to break off that relationship. Generally, if you find out your partner is actually attached and you are not, then again you have to decide if that is a relationship you want to be in. If the dominant lied to you about his marital status, the chances are that he has lied to you about many other things. You need to evaluate your relationship with him, your own values, and see what your heart tells you to do.

Question #3) "What is the difference in pushing limits of a sub and crossing the Hard Limits boundary?"


Pushing limits vs Hard Limits

Pushing the limits of a sub is taking them just outside their comfort zone and helping them grow their boundaries for things like flogging, pain play, sensory deprivation play. Pushing the limits of a sub might frighten them a little but should not harm them in any way. When you cross the hard limit of a sub, that is breaking the trust you have established with them. If a sub has flogging as a hard limit, that means they do not want to and will not participate in any scenes or scenarios that involve flogging. If a dominant has a sub bound during a scene and brings out a flogger to use on the sub, even though it is a hard limit, they just committed abuse in my opinion. When you participate in a BDSM scene (S&M), always make sure it is with a partner that knows and respects your limits list.

Michelle Fegatofi

I hope you enjoyed this week's Talk Tuesday topics and also learned a little bit more about the topics above. If you have any questions or advise you would like me to answer, please email me at bdsmunveiled@gmail.com


Post title: "BDSM Unveiled Talk Tuesday for 14 April 2015"
by:

Michelle Fegatofi 9:42 PM 31 March 2015 Comment here!
Welcome to BDSM Unveiled's Talk Tuesday! Every week we try to bring you questions that are not normally asked in an effort to help broaden your Lifestyle knowledge. We have a very diverse set of questions for you once again! This week's topics cover 'Safety for first Meetings', '24/7 Switches', and 'Ending an M/s Relationship'.

BDSM Unveiled Talk Tuesday - BDSM Relationships

Question #1) "I have been talking to a Dom online and I want to meet him for a playdate. I have read all kinds of things about safety and want to know what you think about safety protocols?"

BDSM safety protocols

Before you play, I would suggest you meet him just for coffee or something first in a public place. Get to know him more in person before playing. If you can, get a couple of references from other well known Lifestyle members that can vouch for him. You also want to make sure you get the type of car he drives and the license plate beforehand. Write this information down, along with the full name and phone number and give it to a friend in case anything happens to you.

When you do meet him for a play date, make sure you have a couple of safe calls set up. That is where you call a friend at a certain time to let them know you are ok. Most of all, pay attention to your own instincts. If something seems off with the guy, it probably is and I recommend you cut all contact with him. Many times we will ignore our own instincts to our own peril.

For more in-depth information:
First Meetings - Cyber to Real Life


Question #2) "My partner and I are both switches and new to BDSM. We take turns during sex being the dom/sub. If we wanted to live the lifestyle outside of the bedroom, how would that work?"

24/7 switching - BDSM relationships

First, you have to both fill out and agree on what the limits, rules, and protocols will be for each of you when you are in the sub role. Next, I suggest using an alternating schedule with 2 vanilla days in between in order to be able to switch roles more clearly. An example would be 5 days D/s roles, 2 days vanilla, switch roles and do another 5 days.

In order to help each of you get into your correct head space for the role you are taking on that week (Dom/sub), establish a protocol that is symbolic for each of you. You can do something like having the sub kneel before the Dom and placing the collar around the neck while the dom says something significant that affirms the dominant's role at the same time. You might also want to think about establishing a mini uncollaring ceremony in order to help each of you transition out of your roles.

If you feel like you want to go longer or have less days in between, that will be something you will change as you both grow more comfortable with your schedules and roles.


Question #3) "I want to end the relationship with my Master but he says I can't until he wants to call it off. How can I end the relationship with him since I am the slave?"

Ending a BDSM Relationship

First of all, you can end the relationship anytime you wish. If you have a contract or not, you are not bound by anything legal to stay with him. I suggest you tell him point blank that you are formally ending your relationship and will no longer serve him as his slave. If you are living together, you need to make arrangements to leave. If you are both involved with a BDSM community, I suggest you ask another dominant to sponsor or protect you until you are sure you are free from this guy. Most of all, be careful. If you think he is abusive or will be abusive, I suggest a restraining order.  BDSM slavery is freely given and taken away. You are in no way at all bound to him, unless you choose to be. Just remember that no matter what he tries to tell you.

I hope you learned something new and that the Q&A helped you with one of your own Lifestyle questions. If you are having a problem or just want advice on a BDSM related question, send an email to bdsmunveiled@gmail.com. All questions answered anonymously!

BDSM Talk Tuesday - BDSM Relationship Advice


Post title: "BDSM Unveiled Talk Tuesday for 31 March 2015"
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