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BDSM Consensual Slave: Illusion or Reality

A couple of months ago during a Question and Answer session with a BDSM author in a Facebook group, he kept saying that roles and relationships in BDSM are an illusion, especially that of a BDSM slave or M/s relationship.

Many of us that actually live everyday life as a BDSM slave took great offense to this. How can someone that is a self proclaimed Dominant say that? Where is it written that someone else's reality is defined by others that have no clue as to how other people live?

You create your own reality.

Before I continue, I want to make sure that you understand the definitions of certain key words. An illusion is defined as something that deceives by producing a false or misleading impression of reality. Reality is defined as a state of things as they actually exist or a real thing or fact. 

In the BDSM Lifestyle, I define a BDSM consensual slave as a submissive that is in a very deep form of submission to a Dominant (normally called a Master/Mistress). They are normally in a real life, long term BDSM relationship. They trust their Dominant so deeply that they willingly have given up all rights to make any decisions. While they may discuss things with the Dominant on various subjects, all final decisions are made by the Dom. Even if they work outside the home, there is no such thing as a non-BDSM day. If you would like to read and gain a deeper understanding of some of the differences between a submissive and a BDSM slave, read my earlier post here

BDSM Consensual slavery

Slavery is defined as a state of subjugation or captivity against a person's free will. History is full of examples of slavery predating written history up to the United States in the 1800's. We have all read about the horrors inflicted on these peoples. The main difference you have to understand between a BDSM slave and one from history is that a BDSM slave gives up their rights to one person of their own free will (consensual) and a slave from ancient times did not. 

Loving Master slave relationship

The argument was made that a person can not be a BDSM slave in reality because slavery is illegal. He went on to say that if a real person was a slave, the Master/Mistress could sell, beat, damage or even kill that slave without any consequences of the law. This is why he calls BDSM slaves and Master/slave relationships an illusion. My question is who says the definition for the words slave and slavery can't be adapted or added on to as many other words have been over the years?

Michelle Fegatofi collared for three years

Those of us, myself included, that do define themselves as a BDSM slave and our relationship as a Master/slave relationship see it as reality, not illusion. For three years, I have proudly worn the slave collar my Padrone (Master) put on my neck to show the world that yes, I am owned by Him. While there are certain similarities to ancient slavery, such as showing ownership by a collar and the titles of slave and Master, BDSM slavery is not anything like real slavery of old.

As a BDSM slave, all decisions made for me by my Padrone are done so out of a deep level of love, respect and understanding. The very foundation of a Master/slave relationship is trust, open communication, and honesty. Is the love he has for me an illusion? Is the fact that I do follow his rules and guidelines every day without question an illusion? How about the fact that I trust him and his wisdom so completely that I never say no to anything he asks of me? Are these illusions? No. They are reality. My life, our life, is definitely reality, not illusion.

In various previous blog posts, I have talked about my own life as a real life 24/7 slave, different types of submissives, titles and classifications in BDSM, as well as traits of a submissive. I always begin or end them with the clarification that these are my own thoughts on the subject and that there are many other and diverse ways to view a particular subject. I have never said, and never will say, that anyone who's opinion differs from mine is an delusional or not living in reality, that what they think or believe is an illusion. Why? Because reality is real. My reality, my thoughts, are my own. My reality is not the same as yours. 

My reality is different than yours.

Just because you may not think or live the same way as the person next to you does not make their life or thoughts illusions. As we evolve and time passes, definitions of words do expand to encompass new meanings or even completely change. Remember that everyone's life is a different reality.

Share your thoughts and comments!

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BDSM Consensual Slave: Illusion or Reality

Titles & Classifications in BDSM

I was tagged in a post the other day over on Google + asking me for my input and thoughts on a blog classifying submissives into different categories.

The blogger wrote a disclaimer stating he didn't know everything and believed there are so many variations and ways to live, promote, and discuss the lifestyle that everyone will have a different opinion.

BDSM Titles and Classifications

The discussion that ensued under the post was very interesting. One person said they refer to themselves as 'pet' because they abhor the word 'slave'. Another person said they did not believe in any references of classes or titles. That a 'true loving relationship can't be classified or measured'. In this, the writer was specifically referring to those in the lifestyle that classify their relationship as a 24/7 relationship or 'boast' about having this type of relationship and went on to state that he didn't care what the world called her, his partner was simply his.

BDSM titles and categories

Now, I have a different opinion. I am not saying that those that think differently than I do are wrong. I'm simply stating my opinion. I have many different thoughts on this subject. First is classifications. Do I like them? No. But, are they necessary? Yes. Why? Because I write, speak to, or advise many people from different countries, backgrounds, and levels of understanding about the BDSM Lifestyle. It's a tool that I use to help new people gain a better understanding of their own place in our world. They read many BDSM blogs and BDSM books and get confused. By using classifications such as differences in submissives, they can start to understand that there are many different ways to submit. In every post in which I speak on this, I clarify it by the statement "One can fit into many categories, so don't feel limited by a learning tool".

Learning tools

Now to address what has been termed as 'boasting a 24/7 relationship'. In my own case, it's not a boast, but a fact. I do live it all day and night and 7 days a week. How is this possible? I don't work outside the home. I do work in the field of BDSM. I'm lucky enough to be with my Padrone pretty much 24/7 and even go to work with him and hang out there all night when I'm not sick.

24/7 Master slave relationship

I do use the designation 24/7 slave when describing myself. Why? Because it is who I am and what I see myself as. It is my reality. It also helps other people that read my books or blogs connect to the lifestyle, have a point of reference of what 24/7 slave can really mean in a real life relationship, and at the same time give them another learning tool. If you think about your own life, we all need these types of tools/ titles/ classifications to help us understand the world we live in; To bring understanding to a new and possibly alien subject. Without classifications or titles, there would be chaos. And where there's chaos, there is no learning, enlightenment, or advancement.

Chaos means no learning or advancement

At this point, a separate argument was made that promoting the lifestyle in this way was a wrong approach. That it gave self-proclaimed Doms or subs a platform to boast around and give 'lessons' to others. The writer said "I don't want to give lessons to anyone about what they are or how they should consider themselves. D/s is one subtle life discovery that everyone should discover for themselves".

Self-discovery is best when done with others.

I agree to a certain extent. The way I teach and approach the lifestyle is from one of self discovery. But, as I am approached by literally hundreds of people asking advice, it's one of the ways I can help them. People just discovering or finally admitting, that they have a craving towards BDSM want information. They need to know they aren't dirty, weird or depraved. My blog posts, as well as others on the internet, are a sort of validation that they are not sick or perverted. It's a relief to some and a revelation to others that yes there are more like me! The use of titles and classes is just a stepping stone for the newbies on their journey. And as in the vanilla lifestyle where people pretend to be what they are not, there will always be people that scream to the world they are Dominant or submissive. These are not real and I always point this out to my readers. A real Dominant or submissive doesn't feel the need nor do they want to scream the fact to the world at large.

Global BDSM Community

So, just remember, no matter if you call or consider yourself a Master/Mistress/Sir/Madam/Daddy/Padrone/Maitre/Jarl or sub/slave/pet/babygirl/boy/kajira, they are just ways to help you understand yourself in a different way. There are many levels of submission and dominance. There are many types of D/s relationships. There are many ways you can classify your relationship or yourself. Some do not believe and do not use any titles or classifications. Others use them all the time. Some use them but say they don't believe in them.

Many paths through BDSM

There is no right or wrong. There is no correct classification that you have to fit into. It is what you make of it and what works for you and your partner. So, the next time you encounter a classification post or one about titles, whether you agree or not, it was worth the read if it made you think and learn just one more facet of what makes up the huge infinite world of BDSM.

Titles & Classifications in BDSM

Tasks and Duties of a Submissive

I get many emails asking me about expectations of being a submissive / slave, what types of tasks or duties they are expected to perform, and how do they best serve their Dominants.

This subject is so vast and varied, that the best I can do is to give you examples of things that could be asked of you.

Tasks vs Rituals, Protocols, Rules

Make sure you don't get duties confused with Protocols, Rituals and Rules. A Protocol is how a Dominant and submissive interact with one another. Some examples of protocol would be how a sub greets a Dominant at a party or how they are dressed and greeting their Dom when they get home from work. A ritual for submissives is a sequence of actions / words / gestures that are performed the same exact way for one specific purpose. An example could be having a meditation ritual. Dressing a certain way, setting up a place to meditate a certain way, and the actual act of meditation. A rule is a specific way to act or conduct yourself following explicit instructions given by your Dominant.

Duties for Master

Looking at the duties and expectations as a 24/7 slave, my primary function is to make my Padrone (Master) happy and to try to make his life easier in any way that I can. These duties include cleaning, running errands, cooking, massaging his feet, making coffee, snuggling, sharing every thought with him, listening to his ideas and brainstorming to help focus that idea. There are too many to name, but you can ascertain what they can include. Whatever will make him happy and relaxed is what I will do. The widely known secret about submissives is that when they make their Dominants happy, they are even happier. I know I am.

Online and Long Distance Relationships

Now, if you aren't in a 24/7 D/s relationship, what types of duties or tasks can you expect? Normally in an online or long distance relationship, the Dominant will have tasks for you to perform and may require proof that it was completed. Some examples of online or LDR (long distance relationship) duties could include sending pictures of what you wore, emailing a schedule of things you will do during the day, or sending a list at night reviewing your day and the feelings associated with it. These types of tasks are just as important as serving a Dominant in real life. Don't think that just because the couple isn't together physically, that they don't feel the satisfaction and joy of seeing a task completed. If you have read my earlier posts on these types of relationships, you will understand that there is the same mental and emotional satisfaction and connection as there is in real life situations.

Online tasks

Remember that every person has their own idea and version of what a submissive is and does. It will be up to you and your Dominant to make the final decisions of what is acceptable and what isn't. Why didn't I make a list of possible duties or tasks? Because they are vast and varied and all dependent on your relationship / limits / situation.

Every relationship is different

Difficulties In Maintaining a True D/s Relationship

If you are new to the lifestyle or find yourself confused at times and reverting back and forth between BDSM and vanilla life, the following post should help you.

I have gotten many emails lately asking for advice on how to spice up or restart a D/s or M/s relationship. There have been many couples that start exploring the BDSM lifestyle after one of the partners had read an erotica book talking about the subject.

Reading erotia

Here is an evolution of new couples entering into the BDSM lifestyle and what I have observed in talking to many different couples that approach me seeking advice. A couple will start playing with toys and move into bondage and start experimenting with various levels of S&M. By this time, they get a feel of who is more dominant and submissive. They assume one of the roles and start getting deeper into the D/s (mental and psychological) part of BDSM. During the first 3-6 months, the couple is very committed and focused on setting up their own rules, limits, punishments, etc. After a while, they start slacking off on punishments, rules, or playtime and have many periods of a vanilla relationship. The submissive usually is the first one to complain about the lessening of her rules or the change or lack of interest from the Dominant in making sure that she is following his set standards.

Evolution from vanilla to new BDSM relationship

There are many reasons that this can happen. One party might not be as into it as they were at first because it takes work and discipline to keep up and maintain a true D/s or M/s relationship. Life events might throw many obstacles in the way and the relationship takes a back seat. Changes in feelings from one or both partners can also contribute to the slacking off of a D/s relationship.

Relationship cycle

In some cases, it is the submissive that changes the relationship. In today's society with work, children, and the general consensus of the population, it can be hard for a submissive, especially females to maintain a submissive mind. At work and at home, they are often tasked with leading or problem solving on their own, which leads to a more dominant state of mind.

Modern society's thinking

Now, how can you combat these issues and maintain a somewhat consistent BDSM relationship while working, taking care of kids, and dealing with today's beliefs in popular society? There are many ways to keep a submissive mind and to stay focused on the D/s or M/s part of your relationship.

The number one rule is that you both have to be committed. One person can't stay in the Dominant or submissive state of mind while the other one is thinking vanilla. When you are together, you have to become used to automatically assuming the role of Dom or sub. After a while and consciously focusing on your role and responsibilities within that role, it will become habit or second nature to you.

Both partners committed to the relationship

As a submissive, there are several things you can do to help put yourself in or maintain a submissive state of mind. I suggest meditating every day when you first wake up or taking 10 minutes before your Dominant comes home to ready your mind. This can be especially helpful when you have been working all day or at home taking care of children.

Submissive meditating

During the day, most people work and aren't together. Utilizing technology such as cell phones, text messages, Instant messenger, GPS and cameras, you as a Dominant can maintain a sense of power over your sub throughout the day. This will give you a continuous feeling of your domination but also help your submissive maintain a secure feeling as well as a submissive state of mind. In a previous post, I go into great detail on utilizing technology.

Feeling more submissive with technology

One other mistake that I see many couples new to the lifestyle making quite often is by incorporating too many types of toys into a play session. While we all love our toys, sometimes using too many ones in a session can make the sub confused and uncomfortable. In some cases, it can make the sub feel disconnected to the Dominant, like he really isn't interested in her but just going through the motions. If this sounds like your relationship, take out the toys and get back to basics.

Back to basics

You might be surprised at how something so simple can bring a couple back together and back into the D/s or M/s harmony they seek.

FB Threatened to Close BDSM BBWs Page

Below is the response BDSM BBWs had for Facebook.

We are once again being targeted by idiots/trolls/loosers for absolutely no reason. Our page was reported again today for an innocent picture of a BBW in a corset and NOTHING was showing.

BBW in a corset

Why did FB decide to take it off and warn us if it happens again our page might be permanently disabled? Because they are trolls just like the people that keep reporting us are. Whoever you are, you can report us all you want to because that just makes me MORE determined and also makes our followers MORE pissed off and therefore more determined as well to come back each and every time bigger, better, and stronger. You cannot take away the spirit of this page which is to share information about the wonderful world of BDSM while boosting the confidence of plus size/BBW/SSBBW women everywhere.

 You may not agree with the BDSM lifestyle and you may not like BBWs. If that is the case, FIND ANOTHER PAGE TO HATE! We do not promote anything against the law nor do we allow any type of hate speech, malicious words, or post any type of pornographic content.

So again, I ask what the fuck is your problem? Fans/Followers, please help spread this message and get us as many likes as you can because the more support there is, the better chance of FB leaving us alone. If we disappear from here, don’t worry because we will always be back!

In the meantime, you can keep up with us in many other places also:

Marco & Michelle Fegatofi

BDSM Relationship Tip: Confessionals

You have all heard or participated in some sort of confessions.

Confessionals are wooden boxes that are used in the Catholic church to confess sins anonymously. It's a process where you are able to unburden your conscious of all the bad things you have done or thought about. It's supposed to help you clear the air and start fresh. Now, what does this have to do with BDSM you ask? I am proposing that you take this same concept and move it into our Lifestyle.

Dominant Submissive Confessions

Why would you do that?

In all BDSM relationships, one of our base foundations is to have open, honest, two way communication between partners. But, over the years, I have met many people, both submissive and Dominant, that keep certain things to themselves because they are afraid to divulge something to their partner for various reasons.

We all keep secrets

It's a proven fact that the more issues and feelings you keep pent up, the more likely a person is to explode. People can only keep bad emotions bottled up inside for a certain amount of time until it starts to drain you. Introducing regularly scheduled Confessional sessions will help keep things (feelings, frustrations, disagreements) clear between a Dominant and submissive while promoting a closer, happier and healthier relationship.

Open Honest Communication

How do you implement a Confessional session?

First, I suggest that you set a regular day and time for these sessions. Consistency will give you both a structure and routine that will put you more at ease and help to set the tone of the meetings so you can be completely honest when addressing the toughest of issues.

Consistency is key

Sessions should always be face to face if possible. If you are a real life couple, make sure to conduct them in a neutral place so the submissive doesn't feel like they are on unequal terms and becomes uncomfortable in telling the Dominant everything that's bothering them. I understand that many relationships are strictly an online or long distance D/s relationship. In these circumstances, try to use a video chat like Skype, Google Chat, or Facebook Video to conduct these particular sessions. If that isn't possible, try to use a program with voice chat or call them on the phone. The reason this is so important is because many things can be, and many times are, misunderstood and taken out of their original context.

Face to Face sesions

Now that we have the time and place taken care of, let's tackle the rules. In these sessions, the main rule that has to be observed is that both parties should speak freely without being afraid of reprisals once the sessions are over. Roles should be left at the door once you start the session. While you are there to clear the air, stay respectful and calm. Yelling doesn't get you anywhere. These sessions are not a reason to start fights.

Confession Session Rules

Third, I suggest keeping a journal or written list of real issues that are bothering you. Make sure the list contains only issues that you feel are weighing heavily on your mind. Do not make it a complaint or 'bitching' session. That is NOT the goal of Confessionals. You should only address real issues like your Dom pushing your limits too much, using names you don't like, crossing your hard limits, the use of humiliation, punishments, etc.

Keep a journal or list

Finally, don't hold back! If you go into a session but do not tell your partner everything that is bothering you, the issue can't be changed and the entire session was a waste of time. Make sure that you present all issues you feel need resolving and not just half truths. If you have to reopen an old issue because things for that particular situation hasn't changed enough, do so. But, make sure your reasons for rehashing the issue are legitimate.

tell the entire truth
If implemented correctly and kept up, Confessional sessions can be an extremely helpful tool. I hope that if you do implement Confessional sessions into your BDSM dynamic, you will both grow closer and happier.

If you have any questions or comments, let me hear from you below!
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