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Michelle Fegatofi 11:36 PM 15 July 2014 3 Comments
In the world of BDSM, we think of ourselves as being a high tolerance community that keeps open minds without judging others. I have found that to be true in most cases, with the exception to size. One thing that has stood out to me over the past couple of years is that size discrimination comes from both ends of the weight spectrum.

Size discrimination in BDSM

I have several pages on various social media sites. Over time, some of them started catering to different groups' wants. One page mostly portrayed thinner models in various BDSM situations. While the other page catered to larger women posing in different outfits and scenes. This is where it gets interesting.

Thin and plus sized people

On the page posting thinner pictures of women, I would get comments like "she needs a cheeseburger", "without curves, she should be a boy", and "real men like women with curves". After it happened more frequently, I have to say I was shocked! I always expected to get the occasional mean comment on my plus sized page, but never thought I would see so many on the "normal sized" page. I got to see first hand just how reverse size discrimination worked.

thin bdsm model

Now, on the plus sized page, it was just the opposite. We got comments such as "fat pig", "looks more like a hippo in a corset", "fat, ugly, porker" and some so vile I refuse to repeat them. I had expected this. I would delete and ban the offender. What I never expected was comments such as "she's not big enough to be a BBW" or "what makes her plus size". Apparently some people didn't think the women were large enough. I was stunned when this first happened. I always posted a variety of different sized and shaped plus size women.

BBW, plus sized sub

If you guys have followed me for any length of time, you should know that I don't tolerate any form of discrimination (gender, race, size, sexual orientation, etc..). A few days ago, I got a comment once again on the plus sized page asking me what made her plus sized. I answered that she was a well known size 14 model, which in the USA means plus sized. Shortly after, I received a heated response asking me to detail what sizes I thought the descriptions 'plus size', 'BBW', and 'SSBBW' consist of. Of course I didn't answer. That did spark a great question that I posed to my followers on various sites on the internet. Some very interesting comments and discussions ensued after.  

Size Labeling Debate

Many people said that women should not be labeled at all. Some stated what they thought constituted a BBW and SSBBW. Some thought plus size, BBW, and SSBBW are three different tiers for describing larger women. I got a couple of angry comments stating that simply asking the question was very offensive.

I have known my entire life that I can't please everyone. I never have and never will. Here are my thoughts on the entire situation.

Discrimination free zone

  • I believe people that have a wonderful personality and character are beautiful, no matter their outer shell.
  • I believe that every woman, despite size/shape/color/age can be an awesome, loved, and desirable submissive with the right Dominant.
  • I see nothing wrong or offensive with the terms plus size or BBW. To me, they are the same and can be used interchangeably to describe women that are are on the larger side of what the general public deem as 'normal'.
  • I also thoroughly believe that size discrimination and segregation is completely wrong, in any shape or form. 
Therefore, after much discussion with my Padrone, I have decided to combine all of my pages into one that posts pictures of every size and shape, with absolutely no tolerance for negative comments.  Why? Because I need to 'practice what I preach'. 

Practice what you teach

The BDSM community is supposed to be a high tolerance, open minded community. If I continue to run separate pages for different groups, I see it as a form of segregation, separate but equal. That is not what we should be promoting. I know many people will not lime it. Many of the old followers won't follow the new pages. But, I accept this. I hope that with time, new people will follow me and help promote the spirit of a united community. 

United Global BDSM Community

Thank you all for your continued support and I hope that my words have either helped sway your opinion, or at the very least, opened your mind to a different way of thinking.  

Post title: "Size Discrimination and Reverse Size Discrimination in BDSM"

Michelle Fegatofi 12:54 AM 27 June 2014 Comment here!
I have recently received many questions from new and unattached submissives asking for my thoughts on Submissive/Slave resumes.
I honestly haven't thought much about them because I have never used, or had use for, one myself. I do think they could be used as a handy tool for both the submissive and any potential Dominants they might come across.

Submissive Resume

So, what would a new submissive put on a resume? I know you might be thinking that since you have never been in a BDSM relationship, nor had any formal training, you really have nothing of value that would make sense to put on this type of document. That is where you are wrong. You have Life experience. You have your abilities, hobbies, and hard limits. Take this opportunity to really set yourself apart from other potential applicants. Use the document to give potential Dominants a real sense of who you are as a person, not just your abilities.

No Experience. No Problem.

Here is a list of different sections that should be included on a submissive resume. (Note: I have written this for new submissives that have not had any training and have never been in any BDSM relationships. If you are an experienced submissive, you should add a Training section to the below resume. List any and all training you have had. List any rules and punishments you were subjected to. You also might want to add a list of all past BDSM relationships you were in.)

All About Me

  • Objective - What is your long term goal? What type of relationship are you looking for? (Training, part time sub, play partner, 24/7 situation)
  • Summary - This is where you can tell a little about yourself. When you became aware of your submissive side. Any relationships you are currently in. How you came to find out about the Lifestyle. How long you have known about and been interested in exploring your submissive side. What type of training you have read about and want to try. 
  • Qualifications - If you are new, this is where you need to be creative. List all of your life accomplishments that you think would be beneficial to a potential Dominant. You can include things such as your domestic abilities (cooking, cleaning, sewing, etc), organizational abilities (party planner, etc), if you are able to drive, or any abilities to do domestic maintenance or repairs. But remember, BE HONEST! Do not put that you can cook a 5 course French meal if you burn water. 
  • Education - List any and all educational classes or vocational training you have had. (College, CPR, Diving Instructor, etc)
  • Hobbies - What do you like to do in your spare time? What activities keep you occupied when you are not working? What interests do you have? Again, be creative but be honest. Do not put you love nature hikes if you hate nature. 
  • Reading - List different genres of books you like to read or types of web sites you like to browse. Examples would be erotica, BDSM educational, Dog training, flowers magazines, etc...
  • Hard Limits - This might be a hard section for you to fill in if you are new and have never looked into a Limits worksheet. I would list at least three hard limits, even if you don't know what all of your's are. Some items on your list may be Polyamoury (No sharing with other people), No edge play (using knives, breath play, needles), or waterworks/scat play (People that enjoy pee and fecal play)
  • Health - List any and all health problems that you may have. You can also list any healthy activities that you do here, such as running, working out, etc. 
  • Organizational Associations - List any organizations that you are a member of (BDSM or non BDSM related). Make sure to put any time constraints these organizations may put on you (meetings, etc)

I really encourage each of you to try this, even if you don't use it. You should always keep it updated, just in case you do decide to utilize it. I think it is another great tool that you can use in your journey to submission.

Find your path

Post title: "Submissive-Slave BDSM Resumes"

Michelle Fegatofi 3:15 PM 14 June 2014 1 Comment

You feel anxious, depressed, and have uncontrollable crying spells. You feel lost, without direction and can't concentrate.

All you want to do is to stay in bed all day and not move. You think to yourself that you don't know why exactly you feel this way. You wonder to yourself if it's normal, if you are normal. You feel alone. The only thing you can think of through all of the misery you are feeling is your Dominant. What is causing this pain and confusion? Separation from your Dominant.

Anxiety attack

He/She may have just left for work, or you might be in a long distance relationship (LDR). Whatever the situation, for some reason you can't understand, you are feeling a lot of the bad feeling described above. Let me tell you that you are not alone. You are not weird or crazy. After speaking with many submissives and slaves that have described various situations, I am calling this Submissive Separation Anxiety.

Submission Separation Anxiety

Separation anxiety is most commonly recognized as a juvenile disorder in which children experience signs of anxiety when separated from their primary caregiver. In more recent times however, adults have become increasingly diagnosed with adult separation anxiety. Adult separation anxiety is much the same as the disorder as that faced by children.

However, the primary caregiver can be any major attachment figure in the adults life. Most often these attachment figures include spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends, siblings and or friends. Some have described such feelings as almost like an addiction but to a person. An adult with separation anxiety disorder may feel extreme fear and distress when their romantic partner is out of sight.


Being the loved one of someone with Submissive Separation Anxiety can be just as exhausting as being the individual with the disorder. There is a constant demand on your attentions that cannot be calmed or satisfied and often times it will feel as though there is no escape. Even the shortest respite from the clinginess of a loved one with SSD will be interrupted by vies for your attention through text messages and phone calls. Unfortunately living with and loving someone with submissive separation anxiety can be so taxing that relationships soon begin to break down. Each person must be completely committed to the relationship in order for the relationship to survive.

committed couple

What steps can you take to help improve the situation? First, always know your Dominant's schedule. If it changes frequently, ask your Dom to text you and let you know. Next, if you do not work outside the home, wear one of your Dom's shirts in order to feel closer to him. If you work outside the home, try wearing a piece of jewelry that belong's to him. The weight will help you refocus your mind when panic or depression sets in. Communicate with him off and on throughout the day at designated times. Keep a picture of him on your cell phone or computer so you can see him anytime he isn't there.

wear his shirt

These are but a few ways to help combat the feelings. I know there are probably more, but I'm not an expert in this. And here is the trap of Submissive Separation Anxiety. The more you try to make the person like/love you, the more you push them away and the reason for this is simple: to this other person, there is no issue. You are fighting a war in your head that doesn't really exist. It's as simple as that, but it's a damn hard lesson to learn. The reason he doesn't care when you're not around every minute of every day is because it doesn't matter to him, not because he doesn't like you or love you or want to spend time with you, but because he does not share your fear that significant people might not return once they leave.

It's all in your head.

From his perspective, since he knows you will always come back, he is fine. Why shouldn't he be fine? He is secure in your relationship. He has no reason to believe your departure would or could mean anything other than you have something in your schedule, so he finds something to do on his own and is just as happy. When you return home it's as if nothing has even happened, because nothing has happened, separations and reunions are a natural, normal part of life.

All is normal for him at home.

People with Submissive Separation Anxiety have a reason to feel the way that they do. They have a reason to fear abandonment. Many adults with this disorder were once neglected, abused and abandoned kids. They were hurt or not protected by the people they trusted. The important thing to remember is that other people have not had the same experiences and thus do not feel the same way.  Adults who have had healthy relationships (particularly in childhood with their parents) are not afraid of being left alone. Their fundamental beliefs about the world are different from those of people with separation anxiety. Accepting and understanding this is the first step at overcoming the disorder.

Post title: "Submissive Separation Anxiety - When A Sub Experiences Extreme Anxiety When their Dom is Away"

Michelle Fegatofi 12:14 AM 31 May 2014 1 Comment

If you have been around the BDSM Lifestyle, you have probably heard the term Safeword.

What is a safeword? When is it used? Why would a person use it? I've written about safe words in various posts, but more in depth in my Limits in BDSM article. Recently, the topic has come up in various groups, so I decided to write a comprehensive article about them.

BDSM Safe Word

A safeword is a code word or series of code words that are sometimes used for a submissive to communicate their physical or emotional state to a dominant, typically when approaching, or crossing, a physical, emotional, or moral boundary

any different words for a Safe Word

Some safewords are used to stop the scene outright, while others can communicate a willingness to continue, but at a reduced level of intensity. Safewords are usually agreed upon before playing a scene by all participants, and many organized BDSM groups have standard safewords that all members agree to use to avoid confusion at organized play events.

There are many advantages to having a safeword. The first is that sexual experimentation with your partner should always feel fun and safe. Whether you're tying each other to the bedposts or role-playing for the first time, establishing a safeword makes both partners comfortable that the situation can end at any sign of discomfort.

well... keep calm and use a Safe Word

Safewords of BDSM falls under the guiding philosophy of safe, sane and consensual (SSC). Those who practice the more permissive philosophy of risk-aware consensual kink (RACK) may abandon the use of safewords, especially those that practice forms of edgeplay or extreme forms of dominance and submission. In such cases, the choice to give up the use of safewords is a consensual act on the part of the submissive and excepted by the Dominant.

Safe, Sane and Consensual

When you and your partner establish a safeword, you need to choose something that is easy for both of you to remember, no matter what is going on. The safeword needs to be free of sexual connotations. "No" and "stop" make bad safewords, because those are words that might be said as part of sex play. For example, if you and your partner go to a bar and one of you is pretending to pick up the other as a stranger, "Stop hitting on me," or "No, I won't go home with you" are potentially confusing if "no" or "stop" is the safeword.

try not to forget your Safe Word

Since a scene may become too intense for a submissive partner to remember what the safeword is, in practice commonly the words safeword or red are also used as safewords. They are often the default at many play parties, or respected as a safeword in addition to any negotiated safeword. A dungeon monitor would likely expect either of those words to be respected.

Yellow, Red and Green. Standard BDSM Safewords Signals

Some partners may also have different gradations of safewords, such as green to mean "Okay" or even "harder" or "more", yellow to mean "slow down" or "stop doing that" without stopping the scene, and red to mean "stop the scene". In this fashion, a dominant partner may ask the submissive partner "What is your color?" to check with a submissive partner without having to stop the scene.

If your partner says the safe word, you need to stop whatever you are doing. Immediately remove yourselves from the sexual aspect of the situation. A safeword is usually used by the bottom, but can be used by all participants in a scene, including tops, dungeon masters at play parties, and sometimes even observers

when a safeword is used everything must stop

For example, a bottom may misbehave intentionally to indicate the desire for harsher treatment, and sometimes a top will need to safeword the scene to let them know it has gone too far for the top to continue the scene. Or, a third party observing a scene may have the ability to spot something dangerous going on that both the top and bottom have missed, and need to stop the scene to point it out.

If a submissive is gagged and unable to speak during a scene, you and your partner need to agree on a couple of hand signals that are easy to use and remember. During the a scene of this nature, the dominant needs to stop periodically and check in with the submissive to ensure the sub is ok to continue.

example of BDSM hand signals... you can make your own..

If and when your partner feels comfortable, talk about what went wrong or what made your partner uneasy. Do not press for an explanation, though, because the whole reason the safe word exists is to eliminate the need for an explanation to stop a scenario. Likewise, if you are the one to say the safe word, your partner must immediately respect your need to stop.

Remember, choose something odd but that you both remember and always respect your partner by stopping immediately if the safeword is used.

Safewords in BDSM

Post title: "Safewords in BDSM"

Michelle Fegatofi 2:31 AM 19 May 2014 Comment here!

With the flood of new people coming online and trying to learn about the world of BDSM, there has been a lot of confusion from many new submissives about what behavior is normal and what is abusive.

BDSM versus mental abuse

When in a BDSM relationship the key question between Dominance or abuse, is what's the purpose, and more importantly, does it serve any sort of benefit. BDSM is supposed to be a chance to learn about yourself and the person you're involved with. If nothing comes of an experience other than emotional pain, then it can very easily be considered abuse if the emotional pain wasn't wanted/consensual. 

the differences between BDSM and abuse

Knowing the signs of an abusive individual may help you avoid getting into emotional abuse in your future relationships. If your partner humiliates or insults you often, or isolates you from the people you love, it might be a clear indication that your partner may be more into the power trip than into pleasuring you by acting out your fantasies. You have the right to be treated with respect, you have the right to say no and leave.

emotional abuse

Emotional and mental abuse can often be found in many online relationships. While it may seem very obvious to people that have been in the Lifestyle for a while, new submissives might not realize what's going on, or may think that it's just a normal part of a healthy D/s relationship.

I won't get into specifics because there are too many different scenarios that could happen. Instead, here are some general things to look out for and evaluate closer if they happen to you on a regular basis in your own BDSM relationship.


no contact silence

This can come in two main forms:

(A) Silence when the Dominant doesn't allow the submissive to initiate any contact between them, making it a rule that any and all contact will come from him/her. This goes against one of the very foundations of a BDSM relationship - open, honest, two way communication. If the submissive feels they can't contact their Dominant even through email, they will feel alone, isolated, depressed, confused, and often unwanted. If the sub feels this very often, then they are being abused. 

silence as punishment

(B) Silence as punishment. Silence, or ignoring a submissive for punishment, is considered by some Dominants as an acceptable form of punishment. But a growing movement in many BDSM circles considers this to be a form of emotional abuse. A Dominant should know that a submissive will already punish themselves harsher and longer than their Dominant will if they make mistakes. Pleasing a Dominant and having him/her show pride in their submissive is one of the greatest pleasures a sub receives. If the Dominant ignores the sub to teach them a lesson, it only teaches them to feel alone, stupid and unworthy on top of whatever mental punishment they usually inflict on themselves. 

Extensive Punishment

Extensive Punishment

Most submissives get punished for various reasons from time to time. Some need more punishment than others while others crave punishment and try to trick the Dominant into it by being brats. If you are not a brat but get punished for every little mistake instead of the mistake being corrected at first, then this could be a form of mental abuse. If you constantly feel unworthy, stupid and unwanted because of the way and frequency your Dominant punishes you, then you need to step back from the relationship and look at it closer to determine if it is something you wish to continue with.

Manipulative Behavior

Manipulative Behavior

If your Dominant uses language or phrases in order to force you to perform an action against your will, that is mental abuse. An example could be telling the submissive they are a bad sub if they don't send naked pictures to their Dominant. 

Threatening to End the Relationship

Threatening to End the Relationship

If a Dominant consistently uses the threat of ending the relationship for almost any reason, that is emotional and mental abuse. This is not something that should ever be used unless the Dom or sub is absolutely sure they want to leave the relationship. 



Any threat or punishment that keeps the submissive in an almost constant state of fear is emotional abuse. If a Dominant is using fear to keep a submissive in line or in a relationship, the submissive should leave that relationship as soon as possible. In BDSM, there is good and bad fear. But to use fear against your submissive as a form of control constitutes abuse.

If you experience any of the above items, in any type of form, I urge you to step back and evaluate your relationship with your Dominant. Make sure you are not trapped in a constant state of fear, uncertainty, isolation, or unhappiness. Being in a real BDSM or D/s relationship should make you feel wanted, appreciated, and not alone.


After speaking to my Padrone about this article, he reminded me that there are some types of relationships in the BDSM world that are based on consensual abuse such as all different types of humiliation, as well as S and M based relationships that are extremely sadistic or masochistic in nature. Remember that every BDSM based relationship is different and diverse people have many diverse needs, so it is ultimately up to you to decide what type of relationship you want and need. 

Mental and Emotional Abuse in a BDSM Relationship

Post title: "Mental and Emotional Abuse in a BDSM Relationship"

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