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Michelle Fegatofi 10:27 PM 21 July 2015 Comment here!
Welcome back to BDSM Unveiled's Talk Tuesday! This week, I address the topics: "Annoying Littles", "Pushy Doms", and "Life balance".

Bdsm Unveiled Talk Tuesday

Question #1) "I am a submissive that has been in the lifestyle and active in the community for a long time. In the last 5 years, I have seen a spike in 'littles' online. I understand that there is a dynamic for this and I get the coloring and stuffed animals. What annoys me is when you are reading and a grown person always writes like they are a 3 year old! Is there any way to express to them that they should type or 'speak' in a normal way versus sounding so annoying to everyone by using Me wanna instead of I want? Any advice would be welcomed!"

BDSM Relationships

This is a very touchy subject so I will try to be as PC as possible. There are several types of Littles. Not all of them speak or type like they are a toddler. Those that do always use "little speak" whenever they are online. In my opinion, if you don't like this, then don't engage them in conversation. If you are scrolling through pages or groups and see comments written in that manner, just ignore it and continue on. I will admit that it is somewhat annoying to me also when I read comments in "little speak" but I try not to judge and just continue on with my own little world. We all have an option to engage people or not online and to participate or not in groups that contain Littles. So, if they really bother you that much, I suggest you not participate in groups where they tend to congregate or type in that manner.


Question #2) "I am friends with a submissive that has a dominant. I have never expressed any interest in being with him in any sort of way but he always tries to be dominant to me anytime I am in the presence of the two of them. I have told him that he's not my dom and that I am not a submissive. His sub, my friend, doesn't know how to handle the situation and tells me 'it's just how he is'. Any advice on how to retain my friendship while putting the pushy dom in his place?"

BDSM Relationships

First you have to put the dom in his place. Since you are not a sub and not involved with him, you are under no obligation to act civil with him especially if he continuously attacks you in that manner. A real Dom would never bully anyone into giving them respect or submission. To me, he's ab abusive bully and not a dominant. As far as retaining your friendship, I think you should tell the sub exactly how you see her partner and suggest she reevaluate her own relationship with him. It will have to be up to her to break that connection if she chooses to continue to be your friend.


Question #3) "How do I balance being a submissive all the time and staying true to my dominant as his sub while I am at work?"

BDSM Relationships

This is a very broad question. I suggest establishing specific rules to follow for when you are at work and different ones for when you are at home. When making the rules for work, ensure that they can be followed without interfering with your job. They also might need to be flexible somewhat depending on your schedule and job type. If possible, wear some piece of jewellery that reminds you of your status as your Dominant's submissive. It will help you focus when you need it, but could also act as a calming influence from the stressors of daily work life.


I picked these three questions because they were so different from the ones I usually get. Keep the awesome questions coming and I hope you learned something new with this week's post. Make sure to come back every Tuesday for more informative Q&A!

Send your questions to bdsmunveiled@gmail.com and even if they are not featured here on the Talk Tuesday blog, I will reply as soon as possible.
Post title: "Talk Tuesday for 21 July 2014"
by:

Michelle Fegatofi 11:15 PM 14 July 2015 Comment here!
This week, I have received a large number of great questions. I have chosen "Invisible Dominant", "Masochist with Nosey Family", and "Vanilla Domme". Read on to see if any of these problems mirror any of your own current situations.


Online BDSM DominantQuestion #1) "I have been in contact with a Dominant online for many months. I send him naked pics and do everything he asks, but he refuses to send me a pic of his face, his voice, or anything. I have no idea what he looks like, where he works, if he has a family, nothing. The only contact I have with him is through messenger. But I seem to be emotionally connected to him in a way I don't fully understand myself. It's like I'm addicted to him. "He" could be a "She" for all I know. 
How do I break myself away from him and keep myself from recontacting him if he won't give me anything of himself?"


First of all, I would never have gotten involved or emotionally attached with someone that would not give me any type of information about their real identity, life, or philosophies. You say you feel addicted to him and can't break away from him yourself. I think you love the attention you get from him as well as the humiliation of him not giving you any information as to his true identity. You may not have known or admit it to yourself that you are a masochist that enjoys certain types of humiliation. If you truly want to break off the relationship, I suggest you block him completely from communicating with you online and through your phone. I also suggest you take it a step further and change your online identities so he can't find you even if he wanted to. As far as replacing the attention that he has been giving you, I suggest staying on your own without being in any type of relationship for a few months until you can reevaluate what your own wants and needs are. You should do some deep soul searching, read more and learn more about the BDSM community as a whole and find out the parts you like and the ones you don't. During this learning journey, you will probably find out more about yourself than you ever thought possible. Most of all though, take care of your emotions and your own self. This person has snagged you hook, line and sinker. It's time for you to take that control back for your own emotional and mental sake.



S and M sceneQuestion #2) "I am an extreme masochist. My Prince loves to flog/whip me until I am black and blue and sometimes have welts on my back, shoulders, butt, and thighs. I want and need these sessions. He is always careful to gauge my reactions because when I slip into subspace, I am no longer coherent enough to use my safeword or hand signals. He always knows when to stop and then gives me aftercare. The problem is that since it's summer and I'm wearing more revealing clothes, we have to be more careful when around other people because they might mistake my bruising for abuse, which it is NOT! My mom and sister came by unannounced the other day and I had only a sports bra on. They walked in because the door was unlocked and saw my back after we had scened in a pretty intense session the night before. They freaked out and are threatening to call every government authority and have him arrested. It is none of their business how I choose to live my life! What can I do to reassure them that I ask for the beatings but also to get them to leave our lifestyle in peace?"


This is a very emotional and opinionated topic. Intense S&M sessions are actually against the law in many states in the USA. I don't know what country you are from, but if not American, I suggest you check with your local law enforcement about the law there. But, in the meantime, you and your partner have to sit down with the adults in your family and explain to them the entire BDSM lifestyle in basics terms to try to help them understand it better. They may still not understand or want to listen, but it us up to you and your Prince to answer every question they have. Tell them about the emotional and mental connection you have with him through the BDSM dynamic. Try to explain why you need and want the beatings. Use clinical terms and non violent provoking language when explaining it. Make sure you explain the SSC and RACK with emphasis on the consensual parts. If you two have a contract, print them a copy of it and go through it with them. I know it is getting way too personal and you are adults, but seriously, your family might bring the law into it and your partner could be charged with aggravated assault or something worse depending on the evidence. In order to keep them from going to the police, you have to endure opening your personal lives up to them to try to explain the lifestyle and your own choices. This is the only thing I can think of that may help the situation. If you have a local BDSM club in the area, I suggest you go to them for better and more pertinent advice concerning situations like this where you live.


Vanilla or Lazy FemDomQuestion #3) "We have been in a BDSM D/s relationship for over 9 years. When it first started, my Domme was very tight and always consistent with her duties as my dominant. She used guidance, correction, and punishment when needed. Over the years, she has become much more slack and our relationship has been in a big rut lately. She expects me to always be in a submissive mode to her but she doesn't give me the dominance I need and expect in return. I get confused because it seems like she wants me to live a D/s lifestyle with her but she wants to live an almost vanilla one with me. We have talked and she doesn't see my side. What can I do to get her to understand I need her to be like she was 9 years ago as far as her control over me?"

If talking hasn't helped her understand your point of view, I suggest writing two letters. First, sit and remember what you felt like when you first became an D/s couple. Remember the feelings, the tasks, guidance, and punishments. Write in explicit detail how each of those made you feel. Tell her from your most submissive point of view the way you saw her as the Domme and the way she made you feel.

In the second letter, think about all that you see and feel now. Write this down too. Tell her how you see her behavior towards you and allow her to see herself through your eyes. Don't make it harsh and mean. This is not about a revenge letter or something to try to hurt her feelings. It is only about trying to help her understand how you saw her first and how you see her now. Once she has time to read and process both letters, ask her how she feels about them. You may need to give her a few days to come to terms about what you have written. I imagine the second letter will make her angry, hurt, and maybe slightly depressed.

When the two of you are ready to sit down and talk face to face about your future and where to take the relationship next, tell her what you would like to see and really listen to her views also. Don't get stuck on how your relationship used to be because you have to remember people change over time, relationships evolve, life situations changes. You have to take all of that into consideration when you have your talk with her.

Relationship advice

I hope this week's post helped you figure out a solution to a similar problem or to broaden your own knowledge about the BDSM Lifestyle.

If you have any advice to add or comments, please leave them below. We always love to hear from our readers no matter if your opinion agrees or disagrees with our own.

If you have a question you would like us to answer, please email bdsmunveiled@gmail.com.


Post title: "BDSM Unveiled's Talk Tuesday on 14 July 2015"
by:

Michelle Fegatofi 11:40 PM 07 July 2015 Comment here!
Welcome to this week's installment of Talk Tuesday! We received many emails this week and I have answered them all. These two below are very interesting and different from others I've answered in the past here. Hopefully these will help you if you are struggling with some of the same issues.

Dominant Expectations
Lazy Dominant or Unrealistic Expectations?
Question #1) "So my mistress and I have been in a contract since the 1st. Again thank you so much for the help with the contract limits worksheet. Anyway so since the contract I've been trying to get my mistress to make me do more like regular expectations such as a daily journal and doing the little things to show her dominance. But she wont. I'm scared that she is putting on 50% and I'm giving it my all and I'm afraid I'm gonna push her away. So my question for you would be am i doing the right thing or am i blowing this out of proportion?"

I'm very happy you found the Limits Worksheet so helpful. In a contract, most couples put all expectations in it including rules, protocols,  rituals, daily tasks, punishments, expected behaviour, grooming, and Limits. Others put the actual times and days that the sub will be in sub/slave mode and outside these set times, they will be free to do or act as they please. Did you and your Domme put these in the contract? If not, why? What type of D/s relationship did you discuss? There are so many variations that none are even close to being the same. Do you have a scene only D/s relationship where you submit to her will only during a scene or did she agree to dominate you outside the scenes? Is it more of a sexual or service contract? Or is it a contract that contains both? What are her reasons for not giving what you ask for? Have you asked to amend the actual contract? Does she have more than one sub/slave? These are the questions you have to ask before you can answer that one question. There are many dominants that get into a relationship then quickly loose interest or just turn out lazy. That could be the case with her or she could actually have other outside influences (work, friends, family, responsibilities) that are taking her time and attention off of you. I suggest you write down all of the above questions, sit and think very deeply and write down whatever other questions come to your mind. Once you have all of these questions, set up a time to sit down and talk to her face to face (be it online video chat or in person). Either way, you will not have a definitive answer until you ask the questions. Or maybe, this just isn't the right relationship for you. It could be that you two have very different expectations and hopes for a BDSM relationship. Remember, open/real communication on everything, - the good, the bad, and the difficult topics - is the best course of action always.

Am I a Submissive?
Am I a submissive?

Question #2) "I am fairly a newbie. I was introduced to this lifestyle about a two years ago and have had two relationships for say. The first was strictly an online better said my lack of knowledge lead me to believe i was in a master/slave relationship. I meet this person online we hit it off pretty good we talked everyday. After about a month of texting he asked to see what i was wearing. I sent him a video of me getting ready. He asked if I wanted to be trained to be a slave, i agreed then I was told he would send me the rules, task and contract to review later. i agreed and we started. my task were to ask permission to go out. To send video of my selection of clothing every time i changed and greet him good morning and good night. I did just that but every week he would answer me less and weekends he would not answer at all. i asked for the contract several times and I was told that I was not ready because at times i would forget to address him as Master. 1 day i was reading an article on submission and it mentioned how one should not send naked pictures to anyone without meeting them first. I mentioned it to him and said to late now. He became mad and asked "so slave your saying you were to disobey me, is that what you're say". I responded with no Master. I received my first punishment after that he did not text me for 5 days. He stated he had an emergency and was not able to text. We continued i requested several times to meet and once again I was told that when he see fit we would meet. Then again he disappeared for five days. I sent him a letter reminding of what i was looking for and obviously he was not able to fulfill that so I was no longer gonna contact him. A couple of months later i meet Sir he wanted to meet me. We meet at Dennys for coffee a month later after texting. He let me know what he expected from his subs and i gave him a little more insight of myself. About 3 weeks later he asked if I want to try out some of his toys to see what i thought. He was my first bdsm play experience. Three days later i notice he was in a committed relationship. I was shocked, i asked him about it and he said his live in sub knew about me and he did not hide anything it was on his profile and i did not ask about it. At beginning of January entered into training with him. We had a good dynamic. We had up and downs because i would forget to let him know when i arrived and left places I would also forget to journal. Then i was given anal plug training as a task. I was told I would receive a stone after my training. After my training he stated that we were gonna meet so he can fuck my ass. I told him i couldn't go cuz i was on my period. He accepted my excuse. But I was actually afraid. Then i just could not do things the same, he threaten to cut me off twice. 1 night i realized what my issue was, it was that I had lied to Sír. I confessed and things sort of went back to same so i thought. My uncle was hospitalized and Sir stated that I was not totally devote so he was gonna give two weeks to analyze what it was i wanted. It felt like a break up when the two weeks were up i requested an additional 2 weeks. I was sexually involved with someone else since i was told to act as i was free. When time was up i was assigned to write an alligence, i did and meant every word. I was just not able to feel that total trust i had. We played one day and beside his long nails hurting me i was disgusted because both his toe Nails and hand nails were long. I mentioned that next time I would give him a pedi mani. After that session i just did not feel the same, i was going through the motion but not feeling it. One day i redceived a call and we had a discussion. Do to me not doing things on time. I felt i disrespected Sir and deserve punishment. Sir requested i meet him. I was punished but for being late not for disrespecting him. I had thought the previous lecture had covered my tardiness. I was paddled with pants down against the car. A car drove by and i lifted my head. i realized that my trust toward Sir was not as strong as should be. He continue his paddle i felt like cussing him out and punching him back, but I didn't. After my punishment he just let me go did not ask no questions or anything. Just reminded that I was being trained to serve Sír. him and others sexually, I'm not feeling that. I felt so bad I text Sir when i got home and wrote good bye instead of good night. I did not answer Sir calls for a while, 5 days to be exact. Then we started again given assignment to come up with 15 punishments by Friday only found 9 because most are for live in sub. Sir was out of town so he asked that I email him. Email not working. Received phone call on Sunday at 2 a.m. was asleep Sir asked what was up with me i told him i did not know. Then i told him i was no longer feeling this, he stated he did not want to waste his time on someone that was not feeling it. So this morning I sent him a relinquishing request. Am I not fit to be a sub."

To me, it sounds like the first experience was not a real dominant, more like a fake or wanna-be dom. In online relationships, there are so many fakes and posers that it can be hard to tell the real ones from the fakes, especially if you don't have any real experience in the Lifestyle. He may have been just a perv wanting to get naked pics from unsuspecting women that didn't know any better.

The second one sounds like he was more of a sadist than a real Dominant. There are dominants that give out harsh punishments for every infraction, but he went overboard. When your trust in him left, you should have stopped and went back to square one with him if you wanted to remain in that relationship. There has to be complete trust with your dominant before you can really submit to them. If there isn't, then it's all pretend and role playing, not real submission. If he was a real dominant with experience, then I think it was just not the type of dominant you desire and need.

Are you meant to be a sub? Only you can answer that question. Do you feel a need inside you to submit to someone? A desire so strong that it drives you to seek dominants out? Or could it be that you are really just a kinkster and want to have kinky sex? If you do feel like you are submissive, I suggest before getting into any more relationships that you read educational websites on BDSM and Submission. There are so many ways to submit and dominate that it is important that you learn as much as you can. The more knowledge you have, the better you can negotiate your next contract and relationship.

Once you have learned much more about the Lifestyle, sit down with a Limits worksheet (I published a free downloadable one on www.Lulu.com/spotlight/MichelleFegatofi) and fill it in. This will give you a deeper insight into your own limits, wants, needs and desires as a submissive. It can help you form a better understanding into who you are and what type of BDSM relationship you really do want. Once you do that, you should think about filling out a Submissive resume. This is not a widespread practice, but can help give potential dominants a quick overall view of your personality, training, and expectations.

Don't be in a hurry to submit to another dominant so quickly. With your bad past experiences, I would recommend you take it slow and get to know the potential dominant over several months (online and in person) to ensure you know that they are not fake and this will give you a much better insight into their character. It will also allow you to establish the foundations of any relationship (trust and open communication).

But, to simply answer your question, are you fit to be a submissive? If you feel it in your heart, then yes. Don't let bad experiences distract you from your true nature.

BDSM Relationships

I hope this post has helped some of you that may be experiencing the same situations. If you have a question you would like to ask or need advice, please email me at bdsmunveiled@gmail.com.

Remember to stop the blog every day for great reads, posts and updates at www.bdsmunveiled.com! Leave us a comment!



Post title: "BDSM Unveiled Talk Tuesday for 7 July 2015"
by:

Michelle Fegatofi 10:58 PM 30 June 2015 Comment here!
After a very long and stressful two months of relocating, we are finally almost settled in our new place! I feel like I am finally able to start settling back into writing Talk Tuesday as well as other hopefully helpful blogs. Today, my Padrone is answering the questions about Dominants because we both feel he is in a better position to give an answer as he is the dominant in our relationship.

BDSM Unveiled Talk Tuesday

This week we received several great questions, and as normal, I only chose three to answer here. Today's topics cover 'Lasting affects of Physical Pain', 'Advice for a New Dom', and 'Humiliation'.

Lasting affects of Impact Play

Question #1) "I am a part time sub to a great Master. We have the most intense sessions every fortnight weekend. I enjoy receiving pain as much as my Master likes giving it. My backside and thighs get serious whipping every time. I enjoy the marks and the pain that takes few days to heal. Lately I have noticed that even after a longer period of time I experience phantom kind of pain in my backside, that is not provoked by impact with a chair. Master likes the idea of feeling him for longer, and so do I. My concern is - do I create some kind of permanent damage. I can't really contact a doctor with this question. Michelle, to your experience and knowledge, have you observed sub experiencing a permanent damage to her backside due to regular whipping for years."

I have to preface my answer by saying I am not a doctor of any kind. The advice is just from my own experience and research over the years. I have seen a person who had permanent scars from repeated impact play from a cane that was used to beat the sub's backside so severely that the skin opened up every time. I have also heard of what is called psychological physical pain. This pain can be induced by strong emotional events. With the pain sessions being so coveted by you and very intense, it sounds like a mental reaction to the times in between scenes. I would recommend researching Kink Friendly doctors in your area and make an appointment just to get checked out to ensure your health is all ok.

How to be a good Dominant

Question #2) "My girlfriend has experience in the bdsm lifestyle and asked me to become her Master before I take this responsibility I'm trying to learn what I can and what it means to be a Dom/Master thank you for any advice or information you can share."

The first thing you have to ask yourself is if it is in your nature to be a dominant over another person in a relationship. If you have to force yourself to dominate another person, you will eventually end up hating yourself and possibly the other person because you will most likely start feeling like you are being forced to act differently than how you truly are. If you like being in the dominant role, you then must start educating yourself by reading everything you can find about BDSM. There are countless numbers of books and websites available with diverse views on the Lifestyle. You can find and join a local BDSM group, go to munches and try to make friends with other Dominants, or find a BDSM club that might offer classes in domination. Once you learn more about the lifestyle, what it takes to be a dominant, and learn more about your submissive's needs, you can tailor your domination style to better suit your specific situation. As for responsibilities, you have to take care of your sub's mental and physical needs, guide her in her submission, help her become more and encourage her always. You have to learn to read her body language and learn to differentiate between her wants and desires versus needs. You have to understand that her wants will not always be what she needs.

Public humiliation

Question #3) "My Master likes to humiliate me in public and I don't like it at all. It does not turn me on or do anything for me but makes me feel small and depressed. Every time he does it, I end up crying and depressed and he punishes me because of my reaction. He says I should feel privileged he makes time for a pig like me. How can I make him see this hurts me but maintain a relationship with him?"

If you have a contract and humiliation is a hard limit but your Dominant continuously violates that, he has no respect for you or your relationship and he is not a real dominant in my opinion. If you don't have a contract, then you have to tell him you want to make one between the two of you that clearly outlines and defines all limits, expectations, rules, punishments, and any other aspect in your relationship. If he will not agree to this, I would recommend ending the relationship. I am worried that the lasting effects of continued humiliation on your mental and emotional health could wreak long term damage. Keep in mind that a dominant's number one priority is always the mental, emotional, and physical well being of his submissive. And from the email above, it does not sound like yours understands this fact.


Feel free to leave your comments below! I hope you found the above questions helpful to your own journey through the BDSM world. If you need advice about any aspect of the Lifestyle, please email your questions to bdsmunveiled@gmail.com.



Post title: "BDSM Unveiled's Talk Tuesday for 30 June 2015"
by:

Michelle Fegatofi 10:52 PM 07 June 2015 1 Comment
Changes in life are inevitable. Sometimes those changes lead to bad things while others lead you to more happy times and extraordinary adventures. While change does happen, it doesn’t have to be scary (even if it feels like). 


These past couple of months have led to many changes in my own life. While the journey has not always been completely smooth, there have been many learning opportunities. I learned many things about the way Italians conduct real estate business in Italy, the way their buildings are constructed, the complexities of stopping/moving/starting utilities for your house. It’s way different from anything I was used to in the USA.

But, luckily for me, I had an expert guide to lead the way. As with all things in our lives, Padrone ensured that everything was done. What role did I play in moving since I don’t speak enough Italian to be helpful and didn’t know how to get things done? I kept to-do lists, packed boxes, made sure that he met every appointment he had scheduled, kept him fed and happy and tried to do all that I could to make this move a little less stressful.

These things might not sound like a lot to you, but to me they were. They meant that I was contributing what I could to our search and eventual move to a new and much better location. These tasks made me feel good inside myself, knowing that even though some of them seemed small at the time, it was one less thing Padrone had to think or do by himself. I was serving my Master in every conceivable capacity that I could and got the very comforting feeling that yes, I was helping.

Why am I rambling on about our move? Because as with most everything else in life, I took away many lessons from it that can be applied to the BDSM Lifestyle. I get many emails and messages from submissives from around the world asking for my advice and a lot of them touch on the subjects of change or not feeling like they contribute much to their own D/s or M/s relationship.

If you are in fear of changes that are coming your way, try to look for any and all positives that can happen with them. Don’t allow your own self doubts and fears get the best of you. Have you heard of the saying ‘Our own mind is our worst enemy’? That is true in 90% of the questions I get from submissives that have no confidence in themselves or their relationships.

If you do have doubts or concerns about changes or things that are going on in your relationship, talk to your partner about them. Bring them out in the open and don’t waste time making up doomsday scenarios that are not likely to happen. Those what-if’s can be just as destructive as a real doomsday scenario.

When you feel like you are not contributing enough to your relationship for whatever reason, ask yourself why you feel that way? Is it because you don’t get enough attention or positive feedback from your dominant? Is it your own lack of confidence playing with your mind? Try to track down what it is and rectify it. If you can’t figure it out on your own, tell your partner your fears. Dominants are there to guide us through good and bad times in our lives. We rely on them to be our rock just as they rely on us for many things as well.

The worst thing any couple in a relationship, especially a BDSM dynamic, can do is to stay silent when there is a real or falsely conceived notion causing an underlying tension. If not addressed quickly, calmly and with full open and honest communication, this could really be the beginning of the end for a relationship.

When talking to your dominant about changes, feelings of inferiority (not completing your duties, etc), stay focused on the actual subject. Make sure you do not approach them in an argumentative fashion. You have to keep a completely open mind to any and all things they say, even if you might not realize it or agree with it. If you are in a relationship in which your dominant is fair and guiding, takes great care in how they handle you, and gives you positive feedback while reprimanding you when needed, you should have the confidence to bring all things you feel to his/her attention.

During this move, I’ve learned new things about myself as well as about my submission. Padrone and I have both grown closer and are continuing to grow closer and tighter in our journey through our own M/s relationship.

While I have touched on a couple of different and diverse subjects in this post, I do feel that both belong together and each single issue touches the other more often than you may realize. I hope you take away something encouraging and enlightening after you’ve read this.

Post title: "Overcoming BDSM Changes and Doubts"
by:
bdsmunveiled
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