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Michelle Fegatofi 11/15/2016 11:31:00 PM November 15, 2016 Comment here!
With all of the books, fictional and non-fictional, movies, blogs and other social media sites, how do you know what information to trust and follow versus things that go against the BDSM Lifestyle? I think you have to use your own judgment, first of all. BDSM contains many diverse sub cultures that not all people embrace.

bdsm information, education, knowledge

When you are trying to find your way around the BDSM community, especially if you are participating online only, you have to keep a very open mind and embrace those parts of BDSM that fit comfortably with your own sense of morality. You will come to notice that the rules are different in almost every group/website/forum you read and comment in.

Some groups are very formal and demand all Dominants be called by a title of respect from the beginning and will actually kick people out for not doing so. I've seen other groups that are more like one huge 'clique' where if you have a different outlook or opinion than they do, you will be ridiculed or put out of the group. In my opinion, these are not good groups to be a part of and are not good places for a newbie to start learning the ins and outs of BDSM. Groups/websites that promote discussion, healthy debate, and varied topics are the most informative ones to read and also to help you form your own identity on your own journey through BDSM.

If you have read fictional books or movies that have elements of S&M in them, I would highly recommend you do not use those as examples of what you want or think your own relationship should look like. These types of books usually have such ridiculous expectations that they could never hold up in a real life situation. Yes, the sex scenes played out can be very hot, but they never give the examples of what happens if someone panics during, if a sub safewords, or if the Dom just gets a little too out of hand during a scene.

After the 50 Shades of Grey Trilogy came out, so many people rushed online to 'get a BDSM experience' and you saw blog after blog pop up from people touting to be experts on the subject. I can tell you that there are many good personal blogs but there are also many that give you information that is not healthy.

I read many blogs and sites about Kink and BDSM and make the determination if it is a viable option to pass along by one simple test. 'Does the site/blog use the basic SSC /RACK concept when giving advice about certain situations?'. If the site promotes scenes that do not meet these requirements, to me, they are not a place I would want new Doms/subs getting information from. They promote unhealthy practices and would lead newbies in the wrong direction.

bdsm information

The BDSM community in general is a wonderfully open and accepting world. They don't judge you for the type of kink or dynamic you practice. If you decide to exclude certain elements from your own relationship, you won't receive lectures on how you are not a 'true' bdsm practitioner. There are some basic rules every Dom/sub must abide by to ensure the safety of themselves and others.

Consent - Every act/scene/relationship has to be agreed upon by mutually consenting adults before any participation.

Trust - You should trust your chosen partner completely so neither of you suffer mentally or emotionally.

Safeword - Dominants will honor your safeword anytime you use it. Subs don't be afraid to use it if needed.

Besides my own blog, here is a list of blogs written by people that truly have great knowledge as well as integrity while offering posts on various topics written from different points of view:

The Lair of Lady Hecate
Submissive Guide
Kinkly.com
A Submissive's Initiative

While I'm sure there are many more blogs out there written by knowledgeable and responsible people, these are the ones that I always recommend when asked.

If you have any blogs you feel can help other people obtain or gain BDSM knowledge, please leave the link in the comments section!




Post title: "BDSM Information: What is Right for Me?"
by: Michelle Fegatofi signature Red line

Michelle Fegatofi 6/08/2016 10:23:00 PM June 8, 2016 Comment here!
I was sitting in the hotel, just working as usual on the internet, when a thought hit me all of a sudden.
I was wearing a sleeveless dress and had not even given it a second thought! This was staggering!

Michelle Fegatofi has epiphany!

See, before this year, I was extremely self conscience about my upper arms being flabby and not the perfectly shaped muscles you see portrayed in pictures and movies that every other woman seems to have, except me.

I didn't have the confidence in myself to be comfortable in my own skin. It took me 43 years to get there, but I finally have arrived. I love my shape and I love my body just as it is. It's the only one I will ever get! I finally learned to stop caring what other people thought of my body and what I put on it. I have 2 tattoos, fat rolls, stretch marks, scars, flabby arms and thighs. I love every part of me because I earned those imperfections. They are badges of honor for the life I have lead so far.

I also realized that me not taking pride in myself, in my body, was in a way, disrespecting my Padrone. Padrone loves my body as it is. He has always encouraged me to wear things that fit my shape and show it off versus covering it all up in large, shapeless clothes. He always tells me how beautiful I am and how proud he is to show me off when we are out and about. I grew up thinking if you were larger than a size 8, you had to wear really big clothes to disguise your shape. That's just what people did. As I got older and got involved in unhealthy relationships as an adult, I continued thinking being fat and showing off my shape was a sin. Now, I know better!

My body is lovely
Being a BDSM submissive slave has so many facets to it. For me, it's a mindset, a lifestyle, and an overall philosophy. Taking pride in myself, my actions and my body is taking pride in my submission. How? It means that I know I am worthy of all the attention my Padrone gives to me. I am worthy of his love and guidance. I am worthy of everything he gives me.

When I didn't show confidence in my body, how could I be confident in my submission? If I don't like myself, like everything about me, that is just like me telling Padrone he is wrong about what he thinks about me. If he likes my body as it is but I don't, that is not submitting to him completely. As a slave, I have surrendered my entire self to him willingly and consensually. When I agreed to become his slave, I agreed that his word was always final. He loves me as I am but I didn't, so I was violating  my submission to him.

As a submissive, you take pride in how you serve your Dominant. You follow their directions, perform tasks, follow their rules and protocols. You take pride in your abilities and love learning new ways and forms of submission. If you are not confident in yourself, it will affect your submission. There are things that your Dominant will ask you and if you aren't confident in yourself and your abilities, you will feel like you are being pushed past your limits and might shut down or strike out at your dominant.

I deeply and completely love and accept myself
If you don't feel confident in yourself, figure out why. If it's how you look or how you act, work on changing or accepting it. You cannot fully understand submission and give yourself over to someone else's care unless you fully understand and accept yourself.

Take a few moments each day, whether it is the first thing or the last thing you do to start building that confidence in yourself that you deserve to feel. Own your body. Own your mind. Own your surroundings.


How can someone else 'own you' if you never knew what it means to 'own yourself'?


Post title: "Confidence in Yourself and Your BDSM Submission "
by: Michelle Fegatofi signature Red line

Michelle Fegatofi 5/23/2016 12:47:00 AM May 23, 2016 5 Comments
I have worn a collar for almost 5 years straight. Padrone has bought every one and put them on me. Today, I took it off. Why? Because I have a small mosquito bite that is very sore and is being irritated by the collar. It feels so weird not having my collar on because I literally always have it on: showers, sleeping, everywhere else. Having my collar off felt weird but also sparked many questions in my brain.

Padrone Marco and Michelle Fegatofi Collared
Does me taking it off mean I'm less submissive? No.

Does me not wearing it when I'm outside show disrespect for my Padrone? Absolutely not.

Am I still as devoted and committed to serving him today as I was yesterday with or without wearing my collar? Absolutely yes.

Does a collar define who I am as a slave? No.


I wrote a post titled All About Collars a few years ago. In it, I tried to define the history and significance of giving a collar to a partner as well as the importance of it. Over the past year, I have seen an alarming trend among single submissives, especially those that are newer to the BDSM Lifestyle. These submissives are showing a trend towards two distinctly different paths but both having one goal: wearing a Collar.

Michelle Fegatofi without a CollarThese subs see having a Collar as a status symbol in the community. They feel that a collar will give them more importance and make them look more legitimate within the BDSM community. Most of these types of subs are Online only subs, those people that practice BDSM online only and do not live it in their real world everyday lives.

The first trend is the submissive whose main goal is to become the submissive partner to a dominant and get a collar. This type of sub doesn't care if their relationship will last long or not, they are just determined to attach themselves to a Dom who will collar them and give them the 'bragging rights' that they are collared as compared to other subs in the groups they frequent.

I was Padrone's slave for 5 months before he even collared me. He wanted to make sure that we had a good fit and we needed to work out our relationship as it was online only at that time. We both had preconceived notions as to how our dynamic would work. After many ups and downs, time and patience, and many honest and open discussions, we worked out all of our protocols, limits, rules and other relationship details. Only after all of these had been worked on and agreed to did Padrone buy and send me a collar. When we both felt the time was right for us both to make that deeper commitment was when we took that final step.

Being a BDSM submissive is more than the collar I wearWe already had a wonderful relationship and connection without me wearing an actual collar. It was the feelings inside me that made me want and crave submitting to him. It was the emotions and a connection that I was meant to be his that made me his slave, not a piece of metal around my neck. When he placed the collar on my neck it was a symbol that reflected our love, commitment, and devotion. The collar itself was not what made me submit.

The second trend I've seen all around various BDSM online sites are unattached subs buying collars and wearing them as a fashion statement. These subs love to post pics of themselves all over the internet and their pages wearing a collar and claiming to be a submissive or slave without actually being in any type of relationship. In these cases, that collar they have around their necks are nothing but decoration. There is no meaning behind it, no matter what the person wearing it claims.

I've read things like wearing a collar makes them feel submissive or wearing a collar shows the world that they are a submissive. Wearing a collar was meant to be a gift from a Dominant to his/her submissive. It is meant for that submissive to feel more submissive, loved and secure. It is also meant to be a symbol for the two of them of their devotion and relationship dynamic. Being a single person wearing a collar is not going to 'make you submissive' nor can it really 'make you feel like a sub'. These are things that you have to feel on your own, within a true BDSM dynamic, to understand the real meaning of what it is to be collared by your Dominant.

Padrone Marco and Michelle Fegatofi without CollarI have no idea how long I will be without my collar. It all depends on how long it takes for this annoying bug bite to go away and heal. But during this time, I won't feel any less of a slave to my Padrone. I won't act any differently in our dynamic. It won't make people in the outside world or online see me differently. Why? Because my actions, words, and feelings always show everyone around me who I belong to. People automatically know that I am taken and have no interest in anyone else.

I hope if you are one of those subs that are into the lifestyle just looking at a collar as a status symbol that this will help you understand that there is a much deeper meaning to being collared. I hope you understand that without feeling the deep need and connection inside yourself that any collar you wear around your neck is meaningless and just a piece of metal or leather.

There are so many things that have evolved in the BDSM community over the past 15 years but I hope the true meaning of the collar never changes. I, for one, will never think of it or wear one unless the devotion and submission are felt inside myself.

Let me know your thoughts on this matter by leaving a comment below!


Post title: "Being a Submissive is More Than the Collar I Wear"
by: Michelle Fegatofi signature Red line

Michelle Fegatofi 5/07/2016 10:47:00 PM May 7, 2016 1 Comment
For every new submissive entering into the world of BDSM for the first time, there are many things that you will learn over time by reading and researching, participating in munches and groups, but also eventually entering into a relationship with a Dominant. As you gain experiences and continuously educate yourself, you will find that some of your Limits and beliefs change.

Five Important Things Every Sub Should Know

After spending so many years in the Lifestyle, but also advising and helping many people with various aspects of BDSM, here are my top five items that I think every new submissive should know and consider before getting deeply involved in the BDSM community.

1. Have a Limits List filled out. 
    Even if you have not participated in any S&M or BDSM activities, download, research and check
    off all items that you will and will not allow. This will not only help you understand portions of
    the Lifestyle that you may have never heard of but also help any future potential partners know
    your limits and be able to compare them to their own.

2. You do not owe your submission to anyone. Submitting to a Dominant is your choice. 
    Submitting to a dominant is a very personal choice and should never be given to anyone lightly.
    After you find the dominant you feel a very deep need and desire to serve and submit to, that's  
    when you will know it's the right time to submit. You always have the option to say NO. Never
    forget that.

    If any dominant demands you submit to them in any way, no matter if you are online or in real life,
    just tell them no or walk away. If they persist in harassing you, report them to the admin of the
    online site or to the host of the real life get together.

3. Knowledge is power. Educate yourself on the General BDSM Basics before participating in 
    any activities. 
    Read and research all you can about the various ways to practice BDSM. There are many web
    sites and books that you can read to gain a basic knowledge of the different relationship
    dynamics, titles, and roles. The more you know, the better prepared you will be to participate in
    group activities and have a better understanding of weeding out the fakes that are not really
    dominants or submissives but only looking for someone to abuse.

4. Keep an Open Mind and Don't Judge Other's Kink. 
    When you start learning and actually practicing BDSM, you will come across many different
    things that you may not like. You have to keep in mind that just because something is not your
    type of kink, that it doesn't mean you have the right to disrespect someone else for practicing a
    different version of the Lifestyle.
 
5. Take Your Time to Find Your Own Way. Always Think Safety First. 
    Don't rush into Any situations or relationships without being aware of what could happen.
    If you rush into a relationship, rather it be for a play scene or a longer relationship, you will most
    likely end up hurt because you rushed into a situation without understanding the consequences or
    really knowing the person you entered into a play scene/relationship with.

You can download my free Limits Worksheet at https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/515793.

Every veteran in the BDSM scene will have their own list that they think a submissive should know. As you grow in knowledge and years of practicing the Lifestyle, you will compile your own list that will most likely be different from mine above. If you have anything you would like to add, please comment below!




Post title: "Five Things Every New BDSM Submissive Should Know"
by: Michelle Fegatofi signature Red line

Michelle Fegatofi 4/26/2016 12:32:00 PM April 26, 2016 Comment here!
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