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Michelle Fegatofi 10:33 PM 20 October 2015 2 Comments
If you've been around the Lifestyle for any amount of time, you have probably come across dominants, the majority of whom are male, that have many (3+) submissives and continuously seek more. It seems like these types of dominants cannot get enough of attention or worshipping from these different types of submissives.

Dominant Sub Collectors

I am not speaking about people that are in a Poly group/relationship where every member knows about the others and are ok with it. I am talking about people that tend to have many submissives, yet still continue to flirt with others in a sexual or mental way. These types of dominants usually do not have the time they need to devote to their current submissives, thus leaving the subs feeling lacking for attention, that somehow they did something to make the dominant ignore them, or just plain depressed.

It is not uncommon for Sub Collectors to collar people quickly. The Collector is inclined to view the size of their collection of submissives as a sign of their prowess as a Dominant. This does not necessarily mean that a Collector cannot be a skilled Dominant; what is usually the case is the contrary, as many of this subtype can easily assume one or more Dominant roles in order to succeed at attracting submissives.

On the other hand, maintaining a balance within the group is not always a priority for them. It is also not uncommon for Collectors to be unwilling to provide the attention or nurturing that a submissive in their care might desire, and many Collectors are quite up-front about it. This results in a high turnover of submissives for most Collectors – new submissives come in, but also many frustrated submissives leave.

Are Sub Collector Doms what a lot of people in the Lifestyle refer to as a "fake"?
They can be. One sure sign of a fake dominant, especially those that appear online only, is the amount of females they try to friend, message, and talk to. There is a difference between friendly chatter and flirting. If the dominant starts flirting, hinting that you need to submit to him, become his, or pay homage to him very fast after you just met him, RUN/BLOCK/DELETE! I bet there are many others that he is having the exact same conversation with.

What's the difference between a Sub Collector Dom and a Poly Dom?
A Poly Dom is a dominant that happens to be involved with 2 or more submissives. In a poly situation, all parties involved know about the others and all understand what is going on.
There are no secrets kept and many of them are in committed relationships with each other.
There are some Poly doms that have multiple submissives which are not committed to a relationship and their submissives may have other partners also, but again, all are aware of what is going on.

A Sub Collector Dom may not tell all of the different women he is talking to about the others he already has on the hook. He also may have his own submissives but then have many other subs that he 'protects or trains'.

In the instances that I have seen this to be the case, the Sub Collector Dom is usually only collecting naked or erotic pictures and videos from those under training or his protection but not receiving anything in return.

What can I do to avoid a Collector?
Make sure you take your time to get to know them and not rush into anything. This type of mistake can get you hooked and hurt before you ever realize what is going on. Talk to the dominant's friends and ask about their character. Just be vigilant and keep your eyes open. 

If you have any comments you would like to share, please leave them in the section after the post.

Post title: "BDSM Sub Collector Dominants"

Michelle Fegatofi 9:48 PM 07 October 2015 1 Comment
Here is the second half of the questions from my Q&A session with the FB group Mind, Body, Soul BDSM. I hope some of these give you more knowledge or even get you involved in the continuing conversations some of these questions have caused.

Question #6) Do you believe the protocol of D/s speech and being honest with ones words "cures" passive/aggressive behavior? 

I am not exactly sure in what context you meant this question. If you mean online slash speak (O/our), I don’t agree with it at all. I don’t think it shows respect, protocol or anything. I think it was just something else made up along the way as the internet BDSM community grew. I show every the same and mutual respect that I would in a vanilla setting. I don’t recommend calling anyone by any kind of title, other than your own Dominant. If a person demands you call them something, they are not a real Dominant. A real dominant doesn’t demand respect, they earn it and their very nature and presence just makes you want to show them certain type of respect.

I think you always have to be honest with your feelings, whether they be good or bad. If you are pretending to feel something that you are not, then it is faking and not tolerated in a BDSM setting or relationship.

Question #7) I'm curious about BDSM practices and beliefs in the 1800's, before old guard and leather... Before it even had "BDSM" as an identifier.. 

The earliest recordings of a BDSM like activity was back in ancient Sumeria. After that, the ancient Egyptians, Greeks, and Romans, to name a few, had many diverse sadomasochistic games they played, mostly involving flogging and spanking. I recommend an in-depth research if you are truly interested in this subject.

Question #8) Can you tell me about the origins of the practice of collaring? 

Depending on who you ask, some think the collar of the sub was modelled after ancient civilizations that used slave collars to show ownership. Collars have always been used as a form of restraint for many diverse S&M scenes. The actual evolution of how the collar came to mean what it does in todays Lifestyle is very murky. I tend to believe that it did somehow evolve from the ancient peoples that used slaves and used special types of collars to mark their property.

I think of subs that wear collars without being owned as wanna be's. They also might be gothic. But those types of subs are not real submissives. It's ok to purchase a necklace or collar if you want to, but never tell anyone it's a bdsm collar unless you had a dominant give it to you. Without that action behind a collar, it is a meaningless piece of jewerely.

Question #9) When I first became involved in the lifestyle I was told that the submissive selects her Dominant and can offer a collar to him that he would place on her neck as a sign of ownership. More commonly I understand that it is the Dominant that purchases the collar and offers it to the submissive. Which is correct?

Only a fake dominant would make the sub purchase her own collar. The dominant should allow the sub a say in the type of collar because all lifestyles outside BDSM are different, but the dominant has final say and should be the one to purchase, offer and place it on her neck.

Question #10) How long does sub frenzy typically last? Can one survive purely in sub frenzy status? 

Sub frenzy is a term used to describe new subs that are so excited they rush into a relationship with their eyes wide shut and basically without any knowledge of what BDSM really consists of. I think sub frenzy only lasts as long as it takes a sub to become more knowledgeable about the Lifestyle. I think once the actual newness wears off, the frenzy retreats and the sub becomes more cautious and aware of their decisions and actions.

If you have something to add to any of the topics above, please leave a comment!

Post title: "My BDSM Q&A Session with a Facebook Group - Part 2"

Michelle Fegatofi 12:06 AM 05 October 2015 1 Comment
I was recently invited back to do another Questions and Answers session with a Facebook Group called Mind, Body, and Soul BDSM. They always bring me great and innovative questions that get me thinking. Below is the first five questions with my answers.

Question #1) In your opinion how do you keep your relationship with your Dominate fresh and exciting?

I would say you have to shake things up a bit, especially as time goes on. Take the time to always hold hands and try new things together. Explore different sexual positions and philosophies but also try to surprise each other once in a while. Life can get into a routine as we live together and the years pass. Try erotic dancing, taking a class together to discover wine tasting, or some other pursuit that you have never done together before. But most of all, never take each other for granted.

Question #2) What are tips to use to stay in sub mind when everyday life tries to pull you out?
There are many ways to get into a submissive mindset. If you work outside the house, I suggest you take 10 mins alone when you return home to let go of your work and outside mind and get into your role of submissive. You can put your collar on, go barefoot, change clothes, or use some other items that make you feel more submissive. You can come up with a personal mantra to quiet your mind and help you get back into your submissive mind set. If you are a stay at home person, and you feel that you are getting out of your submissive mind, take a few minutes to refocus your emotions and energies on your submission. Remind yourself why you submitted in the first place and remember the feeling of satisfaction it gives you to submit.

Question #3) Do you feel that the most important role for a Dominant is to ensure the mental and physical safety of a submissive? especially of a novice submissive who has no clue what will happen during her first sessions. Do you feel it is the Dominants responsibility for the submissives safety or is the submissive?

It is both the Dominant’s and sub’s responsibility to ensure that mental and physical safety are always in the forefront of a scene. The dom has to watch for all the clues that the sub’s body gives and the sub has to use their safeword if needed. The dominant is responsible for guiding the sub and ensuring that his/her submission is a rewarding experience for them both because if it is traumatic, the sub could be damaged mentally or physically. The Dominant should run through the entire scene first with the novice before continuing. This will help ease the novice into scenes and also increase the trust between partners. As they grow more trusting, the dominant can start to surprise the sub a little more at a time, especially as time passes and they each start understanding the other’s body language and cues. But first and foremost, a limits list should be filled out by both people and compared and agreed to before any guidance or scene play begins.

Question #4) When pushing a taboo limit, what method does one use to battle the fear and process what they had just accomplished?
When you say taboo list, I’m going assume you are talking about the Hard Limits list. I believe that a hard limit should never be approached at all, pushing it or otherwise. It is there for a reason. Now, if it is a soft limit, as in, the person might want to try it one day but are too scared, that can and should be approached with time. The first thing is there has to be absolute trust between the Dom and sub. If there isn’t, then the soft limits should not be approached either because worse psychological damage could be done.

Soft limits should be approached in very small increments depend on the limit. Say sensory deprivation should be approached in a very different way than preparing for a rape scene. I would sit down with the sub, make a plan that both agree too and go from there. I recommend repeating each step in the plan at least twice to allow the sub to conquer that small amount of fear and move to the next step.

Question #5) Why does it seems online ppl need tons of labels? Example: warrior sub and tin pot dom, alpha sub, etc. Etc.

This is a very sore subject with many people. I personally believe that most of these new labels were made up by certain people to sell their books and to try to establish themselves as a force in the community, when they have no proof they ever lived the lifestyle at all. I believe that there are Dominants/Masters and submissives and slaves. Whatever other label you want to add is up to the individual but is not a real part of BDSM. Yes, I know BDSM has to adapt for the times as it has over the past 20 years, but some things are just getting out of hand and ridiculous. I look at it like this, we as humans need labels for our own sanity to try to make ourselves feel good and help us understand why we do or are the way we are. I don’t care what you do, how you act, or what your title is outside the realm or boundary of BDSM. But once you step into that role, (figuratively or in reality) you are a Dom/sub or Master/slave. That’s it. I have used certain categories in the past and in my writings to help submissives understand why they submit differently than others they consider ‘perfect subs’ but things like Warrior princess and Alpha sub are oxymorons in my opinion and to me are complete bs terms. But again, my opinion. A person can say they are Queen slave if they want to, but that doesn’t mean it’s real or that others have to follow suit. I think a lot of these new titles also help fakes pretend to be submissive when they aren’t. Some of the definitions of these new titles go against the very meaning and core of BDSM roles.

If you want to add anything to my answers or offer different insights or opinions, please leave a comment below. All constructive comments are welcome!

Post title: "My BDSM Q&A Session from a Facebook Group - Part 1"

Michelle Fegatofi 11:10 PM 30 September 2015 5 Comments
Although we don't talk much about it, Humiliation in the BDSM world is a normal and widely used tool Dominants use as psychological play with their submissives, although it is a powerful but often misunderstood aspect the BDSM Lifestyle.

Humiliation in BDSM

Humiliation is defined as a consensual psychological act in order to produce erotic excitement or sexual arousal. This can be for the person being humiliated and demeaned or for the person humiliating, or for some spectator. Because different people have different emotional triggers, the range of activities involved in humiliation play is huge, and what one person finds embarrassing another person might not react at all to.

Humiliation can be used as a training tool, punishment or in a playful way, depending on how the dominant decides to utilize it. The first rule of humiliation should be the cooperation of the submissive. Just as every Dominant is not the same, neither are submissives. Make sure that humiliation play/punishment/training is not on the submissive's Hard Limit's List.

Humiliation can be in the forms of verbal, mental, or physical. At its core erotic humiliation is about using embarrassment, fear and shame. It’s also important to note that humiliation and dominance are not exactly the same thing. Humiliation doesn’t always involve being ordered about. Strict humiliation without dominance is when words and actions are used to belittle not to dominate.

Verbal humiliation can mean the use of words like slut or whore; being mocked, ridiculed or have appearance belittled; asking permission to eat, to go to the bathroom or to have an orgasm; not allowing sub to leave the dungeon or house; treated like a pet or an object; being treated or scolded like a child; made to use honorifics such as Master, Mistress, Sir, Ma’am or Daddy.

                                                Physical humiliation

Physical aspects of humiliation can be; being slapped or spanked; having movements restricted; orgasm denial or orgasm on demand; sexual denial by command or use of chastity device; enforced dress code (i.e.: forced cross dressing) or required to wear nothing; deprival of privacy such as being watched using the toilet; requiring to wear collar; performing acts of body worship; performing tasks or acts of service; public humiliation; being used as furniture; being ejaculated on or spit on; used as a human toilet; cuckolding; performing sexual acts without reciprocation. 


Extreme humiliation is called degradation. It can involve a wide range of activities, such as human toilet play. The boundary between degradation and humiliation is unclear. It has been suggested that degradation can have a more long-lasting negative affect on a victim’s mind than humiliation, and so it is often beyond people’s limits of what is acceptable.

To a large extent, what is humiliating or degrading is quite individual and varies a lot from person to person. Animal play is seen by some as degrading, but people into pup play would totally disagree. The same goes for age play, exhibitionism, crossdressing, servitude and pretty much everything else on the list. One person’s “humiliating” is not necessarily another’s.

Humiliation play can be taken to a point where it becomes emotionally or psychologically distressing to one or the other partner, especially if it is public humiliation. Erotic humiliation can become extreme enough to be considered a form of edgeplay.

It’s important to understand that erotic humiliation and degradation is based firmly on consent. If there is no consent then it is abusive. This doesn’t have to be consent given in that exact moment, it could be an agreement between partners of Consensual Non-Consent. But it HAS to be there.

Whatever your thoughts on Humiliation, just ensure there is total consent and understanding from your partner before embarking on this as a form of play, punishment, or training.

If you have any thoughts or comments you would like to share on the subject, leave them below. 

Post title: "Humiliation in BDSM"

Michelle Fegatofi 1:38 AM 06 September 2015 4 Comments
It's been brought to my attention that Emily Winters is attacking me and writing lies about me because of my GoFundMe account where I have asked for help in acquiring a divorce ( We were once very good friends and we trusted each other with what was happening with our personal lives. She made the decision to end our friendship right after I came to Italy because she didn't like the advice I gave her after she asked me my opinion. If you have read my blogs or ever had a conversation with me, you know I say exactly what I think and do not sugar coat it. I will also not stoop to her level by revealing her true name or those of her children as she revealed the name of my children in her fabricated post about me.

First I will address Emily's blatant lies and twisted truths that she posted on her page:

1. She said I 'procured' a flight to Italy. Padrone Marco flew to California himself for the sole purpose of flying me back to Italy to live with him because we were in love. The choice was mine. He knew the complete situation.

2. I did bring my dog but not my kids. Why? The law prohibited it. I could not have gotten a lawyer to grant me the permission because I had no job and no access to money because my husband would not allow me to have access to any cash and kept very low to $0 amounts of money in the bank account. If I could have brought my kids with me I would have. No doubts about it.

3. I have never had any troubles with the IRS. Wilton filed his paperwork separately. I had not worked since 2004 so never had a W-2 nor 1099, hence no need to file. His problems with the IRS have been resolved as far as I know, but again, he made the problems and he fixed it.

4. The only financial item that I was a co-signer for was on a house that the ex now lives in with the two boys on a part time basis when not living with his current female companion in her condo.

5.  My ex was mentally and emotionally abusive to me for most of our marriage. I never said he physically abused me. He did threaten me many times in many different ways and towards the end he became increasingly unstable around me when the boys were not at home. He was good with our boys. He always had problems with the way he treats women. Emily thinks she knows about my entire life but she doesn't. I didn't tell anyone about my forced abortions until many years later. If you want proof of his behaviour, I had a woman (whose identity will remain a secret) email me out of the blue about him attempting to kidnap her from her own apartment. If you want to see the email I will gladly show you.

6. As far as me being 'stuck' in Italy, that is an outright lie. I have my passport and am free to come and go as I please. No problems. Why will I not leave and go back to the USA to try to fight for a divorce? First, I would have to try to find a job, apartment, and everything else just to stay there. Second, he would contest it and fight me for daring to file first if I were there. Third, I simply don't want to leave Padrone for that many months and probably years it would take to file and obtain a divorce.

7. There are several types of visas you can get in Italy to stay here legally. How does Emily know if I have a student visa or not? Or, since I publish books, how does she know if I have been granted a limited work visa because of my writing? No, I can't get a regular job in Italy because of my current status. She doesn't know what my status is. In Italy, as with most of the Schengen countries, there are multiple ways to obtain a visa to stay in a country, but those visas do not give you the same rights as being married to a citizen. And yes, I want to and will eventually marry Padrone, not because of any legal situation, but because we love each other. Being married will protect me if something happens to him financially and legally. He wants me to be as safe as possible, as any good Master would. He has allowed me access to all of his accounts so I am ok there. But, if I want to open one of my own that isn't possible.

8. As far as my experience in the Lifestyle, I have always stated (read through my blogs as proof) that I have been in and around the lifestyle for over 20 years. I started at the age of 18 when I had moved to Kansas and had a teacher that was a good friend who was also in the Air Force. My ex never was into the D/s of the lifestyle so I sought out the internet and lived, mentored and gained more knowledge that way. Does online count? That is up to you to decide. My advice, views and knowledge are the same and do not change. I count all of those years because yes, I started at a very early age.

9. Did I delete her comment from my Go Fund me page? Of course I did. Why would I leave false hurtful statements from someone that hates me for no reason and is a very bitter person? And yes, I blocked her from my accounts because I don't want to put up with her drama. I don't do drama. The stress of crap like this is a seizure trigger for my epilepsy so I avoid it at all costs. I'm only responding to her this time because she is a public figure and this is the second time she is trying to ruin my reputation.

Now I have addressed all of her falsehoods and outright lies, I urge you to go and read the two blog posts about my life leading up to my leaving my ex. I recommend you read them first then continue to read this post.

Blog 1:

Blog 2:

I will now address what happened after the last blog post ended. I had to plan very carefully how to escape from my husband. On the day of Padrone's arrival, I made arrangements to leave my boys with a friend of mine. My ex had an appointment that was a 2 hour drive away from the house so I had a very tight time schedule to work with.

After he left, I dropped my boys off and hugged them and kissed them and told them that I love them very much. I then rushed back home and packed my clothes, shoes, personal items and left. I didn't have time to do anything else for fear he would come back and stop me. After he had virtually held me prisoner for those 3 days, I was not taking any chances. I was heart broken at having to leave my kids and extremely scared that I would get caught leaving.

I took the battery out of my phone so he could not track me. I picked up Padrone from the airport and we checked into a hotel. We were safe for 3 days until he tracked us down. He called the police and told them that I was being held against my will. They came and verified that I wasn't. During the two weeks we stayed in CA before boarding the plane to come to Italy, he did many things to us trying to stop me from getting on that plane.

He called my epilepsy doctor and asked her to declare me mentally unstable. She refused because she said I have seizures, but am not crazy. She also threatened to file a police report on him if he called her office again. He had the cops come by the hotel every night with a different complaint until they just stopped responding.

My original passport had expired so I needed a new one. I applied for one and had it expressed to our hotel room. He somehow found out and had a woman call and impersonate me and get the address changed to be rerouted our house, knowing that I would not be able to pick it up if it was delivered there. I literally just happened to call to get a status update and they told me about it. I had to cancel that one and we drove to LA to get one printed and made at the office down there.

He got the GPS turned back on in my truck and found out we were at the vet's office for an appointment. He stormed in and tried to physically remove me from there. When I wouldn't move, he tried to pick a fight with Padrone. Padrone calmly stated he wouldn't fight and asked the vet to call the cops. He left before they arrived.

The night before our flight to Italy, I logged in to the computer to check-in online and found out that our tickets were cancelled. Padrone called the airlines and they told him that Padrone Marco had called earlier and cancelled the non-refundable tickets! My ex had somehow managed to convince them that he was Padrone and that he wanted to cancel the tickets. That was his last ditch effort to keep me in the country. Padrone ended up searching and searching for a one way flight back to Italy because he had to be back at work the day after we landed. He ended up having to spend $3000 for two one-way tickets back to Italy.

I have to tell you that the stress was enormous and we didn't feel any relief until we were on that plane on our way to Italy. While I do not regret leaving him, I do regret that I left my kids the way I did. I wish I had had time to prepare them, time to fight for them in court, something. But, I was at my breaking point mentally. I couldn't stay there any longer. I had asked him for a divorce several times and he told me he would never let me go. I had tried unsuccessfully to get a job for 2 years when the market was at it's worst (2010 & 2011). I had asked my family for help before making the decision to leave with Padrone but again, they all told me it would work itself out.

Now I have explained the entire situation to you, addressed Emily's twisted truths and outright lies, it is for you to judge for yourself how you feel about me and my work in the BDSM community. Please help spread the word of this blog post by sharing it so that your friends and others may see the truth as it really is and not told through from the bitter lips of someone that didn't know everything about my real life and completely twisted the truth about the parts she knew.

If Emily reads this, Padrone says "hello".

Michelle Fegatofi

Post title: "My Response to Emily Winter's Lies about my Character and Background "
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