Bye 2017! Hello 2018!

I honestly can’t believe that 2017 has passed by so fast. I say that every single year though. As I get older, it seems that my perception of time differs and speeds up. Just like every year that passes, we’ve had ups and downs. I’ve personally struggled with the motivation to write, been distracted by outside factors, dealt with a health scare in my immediate family and faced other unforeseen challenges. I’ve been horrified by the unprecedented amounts of Natural Disasters, humanitarian crisis, and upheavals in what should have been stable governments. 2017 was definitely a year of much turmoil. 

But, I’m not going to talk about all the bad. Too many blogs, regardless of their type, focus on negativity versus positivity. Many bloggers will write another Year in Review that is some version of “New Year New You”, “New Year Renew You”, and my favorite, “New Year Just Be You”. I’m not going that route either. Why? Because it’s been done so many times that I honestly don’t have anything else to add to those. While each of those mottos are great for your self-motivation, they aren’t something I’m feeling this year.

I personally am continuing forward on the path I’ve been on in 2017. While there have been many bumps in the road, I actually like where this journey is taking me. In 2018, I’m going to live one day at a time. I’m altering my daily schedule so that it will allow me time to explore new paths in my personal life journey. Yes, I’m definitely going to continue to write, blog and advise on the BDSM Lifestyle, but I also want to branch out try writing fiction. I have no idea if I’ll be any good at it, or if I will even get a book finished, but I’m determined to try. 

I’m also starting a monthly segment in which I want to showcase a submissive’s talent or hobby that was encouraged or inspired by their Dominant. What do I mean? Well, I’ll use myself as an example. I love doing basic restoration on old furniture. It’s something that I learned at a young age but just kind of left behind as I got older. Padrone encouraged me to take it up again. He found a gorgeous solid wood table and chairs that needed restoration and encouraged me to video my progress. I did and will be releasing those videos in January on our YouTube channel. Without his encouragement, I really doubt I would have tried restoring furniture again.

I know you are thinking that everything I’ve said has absolutely nothing to do with a BDSM relationship or lifestyle. That’s where you would be wrong. Why? The one main factor that has held true through everything I’ve seen, done, or even thought about, was that my Master/Owner/Dominant/Partner Padrone Marco has been right beside me through every aspect of my life this past year: guiding, supporting, and encouraging. Our dynamic is definitely unique to us and not one every couple could use, but it has brought us even closer together. A lot of people in BDSM dynamics focus mainly on the sexual aspects and power exchange involved in this type of relationship. They don’t really think about how their dynamic can affect every aspect in the periphery of their lives. 

This year, try doing what makes you happy. Don’t feel that you need to make resolutions and keep them just because everyone tells you to. Goals are great as long as you are happy and understand that it may be a long haul before you reach it. 

Don’t be so negative about yourself or life. Think about all the positives that you have and remind yourself every day about them. Strive to help those around you stay positive. You might be surprised how these types little changes can impact you. 

Try something different. What have you been putting off that you’ve never done before? Stop making excuses. Need more time? Take the time. Need money you don’t think you have to do something? Make a plan and stick to it to save the money. There are probably many things in your daily life that you can streamline or change to save both time and money. 

Most of all, enjoy living! Living is much more than just being alive. It’s about our connections, feelings and experiences. Don’t ever take any of it for granted. 

I hope you have had a wonderful 2017 and wish you all an awesome 2018. 

Can You be a Slave if You are Brand New to BDSM?

I’ve been in the Lifestyle for over 20 years and the title of ‘slave’ has always been given by the Master to their property. In the past five years or so, within groups on social media, it has become somewhat fashionable to identify as a slave rather than just a submissive, despite having no experience in BDSM and no real frame of reference.

I posed this question to different social sites asking for their thoughts on self-awarded titles and the responses were extremely varying. Some thought that it was up to the Dominant to give out the title of slave if they felt like it was earned. Others think that the sub has the right to call themselves by whichever title they want as they are the ones it is referring to. Many thought that too much importance was being given to titles/labels and think they should be done away with completely.

Personally, I think every bottom should stay with the title ‘submissive’ until they engage in a Master/slave dynamic and get trained to become the slave of that Master. How else can a person actually know and understand what it means to transition from a submissive to a BDSM Consensual Slave? There are many differences between the two and the titles cannot be interchanged.

Of course, everyone has their own opinion and it’s up to the individual to decide how they will proceed with their journey through the Lifestyle. I’ve written many posts about my thoughts on the different types of submissives, the new titles and descriptions that have popped up in the past 5 years or so, as well as the actual differences between being a submissive and a slave in a BDSM relationship.

I was trained by members of the Old Guard, so I tend to lean that way in my thoughts involving BDSM matters. I believe that there are steps you can not cross or circumvent just to gain a title. Just like respect, titles are earned.

The first thing a person has to do is to gain a basic knowledge of the BDSM lifestyle. After this, they can continue on with their journey, as a Dominant or a submissive, and hopefully find a relationship or dynamic that works for them. Once a couple get together, hopefully makes a limits list and a contract outlining the rules of the dynamic, this would be the appropriate time to discuss different titles, such as submissive or slave, Dominant or Master. How can a person decide they are automatically a slave with no knowledge or experience actually living as one in a relationship setting? It’s impossible and takes the meaning from the word. It actually demeans the title in my opinion.

Let me clarify something. I am not saying that a person cannot have slave tendencies, while still remaining a submissive. This is a different thing. A person can actually say they are a submissive with slave tendencies, while remaining a submissive until they find a dynamic in which they or their Master gives them the permission to use the title of slave.

With the influx of so many new people online exploring the BDSM community, obviously things will change in the Lifestyle and continue to evolve. But, if we do not hold on to the basic teachings, roles, titles, and rules, BDSM will cease to exist and something else entirely different will evolve. I personally, will work to uphold the core values of the Old Guard way of practicing BDSM while keeping an open mind and watching BDSM evolve in ways we have yet to imagine.

A BDSM Blogger’s Self Reflection of the Past Six Years

After years of being in a relationship, or even working in the same job, life can become one huge routine. The bright, shiny newness and excitement wear off. We settle down when we’re happy, become complacent and stop being inspired to explore alternative paths in our relationships/jobs. Some may say we get lazy and stop putting in the effort we once did. That may be the case for some, but for others, they honestly just get into a never ending cycle day after day.

I personally have experienced this within my own life. When I first started this blog, I was inspired to write about many different topics related to my experiences in the Lifestyle, as well as my observations inspired by those I have had the privilege of mentioning or helping with their own dilemmas pertaining to BDSM.

I’ve answered many diverse and interesting questions as well as opened up my private life and my struggles with balancing my own submission and my ever present and changing health battles with epilepsy and all the weird stuff that comes with it. I’ve read and commented on countless topics in various groups and community inspired pages. I’ve also written and published some semi successful books on various aspects of BDSM. In the past 6 years, many would look and say, "Wow! She's accomplished a lot." And I am very happy, humble and thankful for what I have accomplished. But... and yes there is almost always a but, what’s next?

In the past couple of years, if you have followed my blog posts and pages, you will have noticed that my new posts have gotten far and few between. "Why?", you may ask. Well, to put it bluntly, I am not inspired as much as I once was to write that often. I concentrate mainly on the mental and emotional side of BDSM. I have written on many diverse topics and some variations of the same topic.

When I go into groups and on pages on different social media sites, I see the same questions, problems, and general issues over and over. I always give my opinion on topics, but very rarely do I find one that is different enough to inspire me to write a new post, because I’ve usually already written about it. While I’ve seen many bloggers write about the same subject on their blogs multiple ways, the information is always the same, but presented with new words. I’m not the type to do that, nor do I think, you, my followers, would want to read something like that from me.

I have actually written a couple, of what I consider, fluff pieces. These are usually How-To posts that you can find variations of on 20 other BDSM related internet sites. These don’t get the views that my personalized posts do because they don’t contain the type of information and advice that many of you have come to associate with me as being ‘my style’.

By now, you have to be thinking, 'is there a point to this' and 'wow she’s whining'. I promise you there is a point and no, I’m not whining, just taking the long way around to make my point.

First, I want to thank each and every one of you that have taken the time to read my blog or buy my books. Your continued support means so much to me. Secondly, welcome to all the new people that are just now discovering my blog and my own journey through BDSM. All the comments I receive from readers really help keep me focused and pushing even when I feel like my writing is blocked or inspiration is gone.

Now, for the point of this blog, I am currently filming what I am calling a mini video series that, while not a BDSM activity, I consider it somewhat related. How is that possible? Well, being a slave to Padrone Marco, he is always encouraging me to push and try new things. He’s always supportive of hobbies I have that are totally unrelated to BDSM. I had given up a hobby of mine many years ago because my previous relationship was so toxic, I completely lost all of my confidence, sense of self, and ability to really explore anything unrelated to my ex because of an acute fear and history of verbal abuse by him.

Over the past six plus years that I’ve been with Padrone, I have grown, regained my confidence and rediscovered myself. Between dealing with everyday life and health issues, I’m revisiting things I used to love to do but had completely given up on. The only reason I’m able to do this now is because of Padrone’s continued unconditional support, patience, love and encouragement.

So, now that I have explained some things, revealed what’s an exciting new video series project I’ve been working on that I will share with you all in the very near future, you want to know what exactly it is, right? Well, you have to wait and follow to see! Yes, that’s evil but I have a reason for not revealing the topic just yet, because I’m hoping that after seeing it, you will be inspired to submit your own similar video to be featured on my blog! Now, no more details until the big reveal!

While I will continue to post blog posts, answer questions, and write new Lifestyle related books in the future, don’t be surprised to see things posted that are not specific to BDSM, but branches in new directions that are inspired and encouraged by my living the Lifestyle as a consensual slave.

BDSM Dynamics - Advice versus Complaining in Groups

In the BDSM community, there are core values that must be adhered to in order for a dynamic or relationship to be successful. Trust, Truth, and Communication are at the top of that list. Unfortunately, as in real life, many people break these values by actions and/or words.

Over the past few years with the rise of Social Media, I have observed an alarming trend. It seems that many people think just that because they are using an internet application, they can break many rules that in a real life situation, they most likely never would. People can create any identity they want to and portray their lives in any way they choose to by showing whatever they want to their online friends and followers. In real life, while this can be done also, it is much harder to do.

As a member of many BDSM groups on Facebook and Google Plus, just to name a few, I have seen some disturbing posts from one person about their partner/Dominant/submissive. The majority of these posts consist of submissives complaining of things such as feeling they don't receive enough attention, don't get the type of punishment or sex scene they want to more ordinary vanilla life complaints of how their boy/girl friend (husband/wife) doesn't help clean house, make enough money, or take care of the kids. While there is always a time and place to discuss these issues if you have a legitimate need for advice, you should never use an internet group to bad-mouth your partner. Just because social media gives you anonymity, it does not excuse behavior that intentionally betrays the trust and love you have with your partner.

I have seen many groups that claim to be 'Support Groups' that are in reality 90% "Bitch about your Dominant in a place where you will get maximum sympathy for your side of the story without any recourse" and 10% actual support and advice for BDSM dynamic related matters. Being over 40, I don't know if it's because of my generation, the way I was raised, or my own set of values, but talking behind the back of your life partner is just wrong on so many levels, especially when that partner is part of your BDSM dynamic.

Let's face it, as women, we do tend to be more emotional than males. We do like to gossip and get advice about some scenario that we're unsure of how to handle. But, when you take some that should be a simple question like "How do I approach this situation?" and turn it into "He/She is the worst because they ..." that is an entirely different animal. If you have been guilty of throwing your partner under the bus in a situation like this, you have broken every moral and rule holding your D/s dynamic together. We all know and feel that once trust is broken, it is nearly impossible to regain it back. So, why potentially put yourself in that circumstance?

When you have a problem with your partner, think it out first and approach them when you are in a calm state. Present the problem from your point of view and if you have thoughts on how to fix that problem, present them as well. Remember that, even though BDSM dynamics are consensual power exchanges, both partners are in it together equally.

If you really need a place to vent about a situation, use private messenger or call a trusted friend to vent and ask for advice. These are much better options than going into groups and exposing all of your dirty laundry to the world. Honestly, you never know who may see that post or if it will get back to your partner. People in large online BDSM rooms can have ulterior or hidden motives for being in the group. You just honestly never know who is behind the screen.

Another alternative to using a friend to vent about a relationship matter can be Journaling. Using a journal can help you express every mad, sad, angry or other type of feelings you have without betraying that relationship trust. If you don't want to write your feelings down, record them using a video app on your cell phone. Both options offer a release of the feelings but also an opportunity for you to go back and read or watch what you put down. After time passes, you may see things a little differently than when you where in the height of anger.

Just remember that however you deal with problems in your relationship, to always put your relationship first and not do anything that could compromise that relationship by betraying the trust of your partner.

If you have anything to add, please feel free to comment below.

Still Standing - a poem by Michelle Fegatofi

There has been a rash of BDSM Lifestyle groups, pages and accounts closings over the past few months and apparently it hasn't stopped. The following poem is to all those haters that keep trying to come after us for no reason. We will always be back!

STILL STANDING!

BDSM is Sensual, Kinky, and Deep. 

It’s with you when you are awake or asleep.

Pictures, stories, and pages on the web abound,

So many trolls always trying to take us down!

Back up and running, with nary a scratch,

Stronger than ever, especially after a rough patch. 

Haters too scared to confront us face to face,

Going behind our backs to make their case. 

Why not try to become an adult troll 

Crawl on out of your little dark hole.

Any time, Any place, Any where you want meet,

I am more than ready for a verbal greet.

When you are no longer scared of the world at large,

and want to come out of hiding to take charge.

We are here, we are waiting, just wanting to see

Who the coward behind the internet mask might be. 

You know me, my friends, and followers as well,

And the one message from all of us is GO TO HELL!

BDSM Bites and Bruises - How Do I Explain Them?

Kinky bites and bruises can be a little bit like badges of honour, your prize for the gift that you gave to your partner. Your secret memory of the time you spent together. Some people think that having hidden marks after an intense play session with your partner is like wearing sexy underwear to work. Nobody else may know that they are there but you do, feeling them when you sit down or thinking of them.

Sometimes our BDSM activities follow us into our everyday lives in the form of bruises, discolorations or marks left on our skin from a night of scening or S&M play. When we go into work or see family and friends, they look at the marks and immediately want to know what happened and who hurt you.

Many times, people will explain away the marks or bruises with a plausible explanation, such as saying they fell, got bit or scratched from a pet, or had a really weird accident. What do you do when you really don’t have an excuse and definitely don't want to tell them about your sex life?

If you know you have to be in the general vanilla population the next day, be smart about what type of scene or play you participate in. Your butt, boobs and thighs tend to be popular areas for kink related bruises, usually from being spanked, flogged, caned or otherwise beaten. Luckily these are all places that you can hide easily from other people and so shouldn’t cause you too many problems. If you have marks on your wrists, ankles or throat from cuffs or fingers, you may find these harder to hide and/or explain, but these can be avoided by experimenting with different types of cuffs and restraints and finding those which work best for you.

If you want to be bound, use thigh or upper arm restraints so that you can easily wear clothing to cover the evidence. If you insist on using wrist or ankle restraints, use a soft padded cloth next to your skin to lessen the damage handcuffs and ropes can do. This can prevent what for most would be very embarrassing questions.

Immediately after a scene, Aftercare should be given by the Dominant to help the submissive recover from heavy impact play. Along with providing comfort and helping the sub to come down from "subspace", attention needs to be paid to the care of the submissive's skin. Rubbing generous amounts of aloe and arnica lotions or creams into the skin will sooth the affected areas and reduce any swelling and redness.

If you have bruises or marks that are still visible, invest in a really good makeup coverup. Dermablend is a very heavy make up that can cover the darkest bruises. I suggest using a powder to set it and help prevent it from wearing off on your clothing fast. For dark, black-and-blue bruises, cover with yellow corrective concealer. If the bruise is more red, you’ll want to use green concealer. Bruises may look different on people with darker and lighter skin tones than I, and may require different makeup.

In essence, just be careful when you play. Make sure you know the consequences of any bruises that might be seen. And always practice safe, sane, and consensual scenes.

If you have anything you would like to add to this topic, please leave them in the comments section below.

Wax Play Basics

Wax play is a form of temperature play practiced in a BDSM context. The idea of wax play is to introduce a slight burning sensation to the skin. This is considered a moderately advanced form of play. If done wrong, wax play can cause burns severe enough to require medical attention. Keep in mind different body parts have a different tolerance towards wax.

This tolerance is highly personal and isn’t as obvious as you may think. I’ve seen subs beg for mercy from wax on their abs and the same sub beg for more from wax on their balls. There are some really nasty nooks and crannies on the body for wax but self-preservation prevents me from telling where they are.

Wax cools and solidifies on the body, more wax needs longer to cool, so it burns longer and skin is longer exposed to heat. Be aware of that before filling up the bellybutton in one go. Also, beware of splattering. And this should go without saying, but never drip candle wax on the face. Splattering in the eyes can blind. And also never pour hot candle wax inside a bodily orifice. Keeping it to the outside is fine.

Types of Wax

1. Scented candles are paraffin wax mixed with oil and burn at 120 F. These are the typical kind you’ll find in retail stores.
2.  Pure paraffin wax candles burn at about 135 F. Most unscented white candles are this.
3. Beeswax candles burn at 145 F. These are the kind sold as tea candles or storm candles, where the point is to be a bright light source for a long time. Some beeswax candles mixed with stearin can burn at 170 F and up. These would be marketed as industrial strength long-lasting, bright lighting candles.
4. Soy wax candles are the safest of the above for a number of reasons. The melting temperature is, typically, between 135 and 145 F, but cools quickly on contact and makes for a much easier clean up than paraffin. A major benefit over paraffin is that it is not carcinogenic as soy wax is produced using soy beans. It is also less likely to cause skin irritation.

Preparing for Play

1. A thin film of mineral oil or even baby oil on any skin to be waxed makes removal much easier and can be a fun erotic piece of the scene in itself.
2. Spread an old sheet or tarp over the play area, to protect your carpet or furniture
3. Bring a flat hard surface near to the play area to hold your candles, wax pots and other toys securely – this helps avoid spills (unwanted spills) and prevents accidents, like tipped-over candles, etc.
4. Put a romantic or edgy CD on continuous loop, so that you don’t have to stop the scene to put in another piece of music. Once you are fully engaged with your partner in the erotic wax play scene, stopping abruptly can cause major ‘sub drop’! (Sub drop is also known as submissive drop and can be extremely upsetting, emotionally).
5. Gather all your scene stuff before beginning play – wet washcloths or towels for instant cooling of wax, ice in a bowl, a mini-fire extinguisher you can purchase from any auto parts store, and anything else you can think of to keep your submissive and your home safe.

Wax removal can be tedious but stretching/compressing the skin a bit will loosen the wax blobs significantly. Wax and hair make for pain play you might not have planned: body hair can be somewhat protected from wax, and cleanup made easier, by coating the hairs with baby oil or mineral oil before wax play begins.

Precautions:

1. People vary tremendously in pain tolerance when it comes to temperature play. One person will barely feel it, while another one finds it unbearably excruciating. There’s no way to tell ahead of time.
2. Body areas will also vary widely by pain sensitivity. A drop on your arm feels cooler than a drop on your butt, and so on.
3. Some people are flat out allergic to most of the additives in candles. Typically if a person has an allergic reaction to perfumes or tree nuts, they should skip the candles too.
4. No matter how much a subject may enjoy this, be advised that some people scar from wax play, especially with a hotter candle such as beeswax.
5. Some skin conditions make people more prone to scar from candles or lose some skin when the wax is removed. These range from recent sunburn to eczema.
6. Some medications make people more sensitives to candle wax. These include blood-pressure medication and steroids, among other.

Just do your research and take every precaution possible before engaging in any type of advanced play.

Online Long Distance BDSM Relationships

Maintaining a relationship in today's society can be difficult even in normal situations because we have many obligations and life in general is hectic. With the rise in technology, how we meet potential partners has changed. Twenty years ago, people met partners through friends, blind dates, or just by chance run-ins at a bar/supermarket/other social gathering. In today's world, the internet has changed how society interacts with one another. We have many people using social media and dating apps to find a potential partner to date or just to hookup with.

In the BDSM community, an entire new branch has developed. Many people are learning about and practicing a form of BDSM online, without ever meeting their Dominant/submissive in person. These types of relationships consist mostly of 90% mental submission and 10% physical submission. The mental submission usually appears in the form of the submissive showing his/her submission by performing tasks assigned by the Dominant. The Dominant usually gives the sub a set of rules to follow that are compatible with the sub's real life and has minimal impact on real life obligations. They usually maintain contact through email, instant messages, and text messages several times a day. Some even go as far as to use a tracking software on the cellphone of the submissive to ensure that the sub is exactly where he/she says they will be.

While many of these relationships never last much longer than a a few weeks, others grow and last for years. There are many Old Guard practitioners of BDSM that don't consider online only D/s or M/s as a true form of the BDSM umbrella. Their thoughts are that if you are never with your partner in person, then true domination and submission can't happen. You can't see whether or not the submissive follows all the rules and tasks or if they take short cuts and simply lie about a task being completed. Although I'm a firm believer in the OG ways, I have also learned to keep an open mind and adapt my views of the ever changing community and accepted online only BDSM Dynamics as real relationships.

There are a lot of people that use the internet as a fantasy just to have a distraction from their real life problems. But, when a real connection happens, emotions get involved and the pair start getting closer. Trust is established and their connection becomes deeper. A couple can be as committed and faithful to each other as their real life counterparts. If you've never been in this type of dynamic, you can't understand the commitment that exists between the participants.

While I support online BDSM relationships, I also advise caution when meeting and getting to know your potential partner (Dominant or submissive). Take your time to really get to know the other person. Learn their thoughts on BDSM Limits, their goals for an online only relationship, how they view these types of relationships and details about their everyday lives. You want to make sure you're compatible with each other in a BDSM setting but also in a normal setting as well. For example, you ask about their views on certain Lifestyle subjects and find out that you're both on the same page. Then, since we never just stick to only BDSM related subjects, you move to politics as a topic of discussion. You find out that his/her beliefs are completely different from your own. These are things that honestly can make or break a friendship and even some relationships. The more you know about the other person before actually engaging in a BDSM dynamic will help you maintain a stronger, longer lasting online relationship.

Warning Signs and Red Flags to look out for. 

Now, we all know that there are a lot of creepy stalker people whose goals are to tag a victim and either mentally/emotionally abuse them, or to try to perform some type of fraud, such as stealing bank account information or identity theft. Here are some things you need to look for that should be red flags when starting to get to know the person.

1. Extravagant Life stories. If you are hearing a bunch of stories (because that's what they are most of the time) and not a lot of it seems realistic, this is a warning sign!
2. Refuses to video chat. If they have an excuse every time you ask them to video chat, then I would see this as a red flag. Most devices now have some sort of camera on them and there are just too many free apps available to use that continually refusing video chats is a warning that things are not as they would have you believe.
3. No updated profile pictures. While many people don't update their profile pics just because they like the one they have already, it shouldn't stop them from at least sending a current pic to you. If they refuse or continually make excuses, it may not even be them in the picture.
4. Refuses all voice contact. If you want talk but it's too expensive because of distance, there are multiple free applications that you can use to have a voice conversion with. Ask yourself why your partner never talks to you verbally? Red flag.
5. Only provides extremely limited or vague information about their real lives. If you're trying to get to know a person and are thinking about entering into a BDSM dynamic, you have to know about their real life. This type of information is important to start a foundation of trust but also for establishing rules, tasks and protocols. 
6. Always making excuses as to why they missed contacting you. Say you have a set time to chat, text, or instant message your partner but they always have some excuse as to why they missed it, this is a red flag. Does your partner have a sister in rehab – but then they are suddenly in jail? 

Maintaining an Online Relationship  

Once you have established a good online connection built with a solid foundation, it's important that you work to maintain it. Being in an online only relationship can be difficult, so here are some tips to help you stay connected.

1. Speak or video chat every day for at least an hour. While you may maintain some form of contact through text messages, it's much more intimate to hear and see the other person.
2. Avoid distractions while you are talking to your Dominant/submissive. If you are eating, watching tv, talking to friends or family members, your attention is divided and makes the other person feel that they are not as important to you as what you are physically doing.
3. Implement a sense of closeness. If you're a Dominant, send a message reinforcing your commitment to guide and protect your sub. If you're a submissive, send photos and messages showing tasks completed or rules followed to assure your Dominant that you are his even with the distance between you.
4. Keep an air of random spicy expectation. Send messages to your submissive demanding they remove underwear suddenly. Send your Dominant a picture that teases them. In both cases, make sure you don't get them into trouble at work or in real life.  
5. Always remember birthdays, anniversaries, or other important dates. Celebrate them with virtual cards or by sending gifts.
6. Stay involved with your partner's real life as much as possible. Celebrate, grieve, be happy, cry, everything with them just as you would if you were there in person.
7. Misunderstandings can happen more easily online that in person because it's harder to get our points across when we're not face to face. Before getting mad and jumping to conclusions, ask specific questions to clarify what the other person was trying to say. This should be done via video chat if possible because it makes it easier to judge facial expressions while working out problems that arise. 
8. Don't live the relationship out in the open, like on Facebook pages or Twitter, more than you do in private. What I mean is, it's fine to post pictures and comments about your devotion to each other, but make sure you privately relay that same sentiment when no one is looking.
9. Always be open and honest about what you're feeling.

Punishments for Online Only Dynamics 

If punishment is a part of the way you practice BDSM, it's even more important that you maintain consistency with rules, rewards, and punishments. I highly recommend that you make a contract detailing rules, punishments and protocols so that neither person is surprised or broadsided by the actions or behavior of the other. For some ideas in how to punish your submissive if and when it may be needed, check out my detailed blog post Punishments in BDSM Relationships.

In conclusion, make sure you know the person well before investing time, energy, and emotions into an online BDSM dynamic. Look for warning signs or red flags, keep an open and honest line of communication with them, and don't be in a rush!    

Guilt and Chronic Illness in BDSM

You know, when your 'get up and go' has 'got up and went' before you ever get out of bed, it's going to be a bad day. As with many other days, that sentence explains the past few days for me. As a BDSM slave, it makes me feel bad emotionally and mentally to not be able to live up to my normal expectations of myself. In turn, these negative feelings make my brain and body operate on an even worse level than they already were. 

Even when I don't feel good, I am always able to help Padrone at least in some small ways. When I can't, I try to wake him up and get his coffee before work. Doing the smallest things for him makes me happy and makes me feel useful. As a slave, heck as a person, I need and want to feel useful. Many times, I hide away from the world when I'm sick because I feel like if I can't help myself, if I'm feeling all down and negative, why let people see that? I think there's too much negativity in the world already and don't want to add to it by complaining about my health issues. 

But, when I don't answer people right away, when I see the comments, tags, emails, and messages trying to get in touch with me, I feel guilty for not responding, even though I had a very legitimate reason to not to. How do I get myself out of feeling this guilty cycle? How can I feel better while taking care of my own needs?

I have to follow what Padrone has taught me. I have to listen and not think. Padrone always tells me to take it easy during the times my epilepsy is acting up. He tells me to not worry about him, chores, the dogs, or our followers. He tells me to concentrate on myself and my own needs because those are what my priority has to be when I'm not feeling good. How can I take care of someone else's needs when my own haven't been take care of? 

Over the past few years, I have finally started to understand this and allowed myself the time I need between bouts of illness. I take the time out and recover much quicker. After sleeping or relaxing, my brain and attitude are much better and I'm able to go back to my primary mission, which is to help Padrone and help others in the world of BDSM. 

As bottoms, submissives and slaves, we are always putting the needs of our Dominants over our own, which we should when we are in the right head space and health space to do so. But, we also have to realize that we need to take care of our own needs too because we can't serve and give our best to our Dominants if we are not feeling well. 

With all this above, what I want to say is: understand yourself and your limits. It's good to push those limits, because it helps us to get stronger. But at the same time, we need to know just how far our limits can be pushed. Mental and emotional health are very important factors to keep track of, just as we monitor our body's physical health. Don't put the entire burden of your health on your Dominant. Be hyper aware of your mental state, as well as your physical state. This will help you to learn more about yourself and possibly help you to maintain a more balanced and healthy lifestyle. 

Beginning a BDSM Relationship out of Depression or Loneliness

February is a significant month for many reasons. In the USA, it's devoted to Black History. Many countries around the world celebrate an Independence Day during this month also. But, the most widely known and celebrated day would have to be February 14th, St. Valentine's Day. It is a day where people show their loved ones affection through special presents or other gestures. Many weddings, new couples, and other loving, romantic pairings happen on this special day.

On the other hand, there are many negative effects that Valentine's Day can have. In 2014, sixty percent of single people polled in the UK indicated that they have negative feelings towards this day. Forty percent of singles ages 18-26 have reported increased bouts of depression and thoughts of suicide. In the USA, thirty-five percent of single adults questioned said they have tried 'other than traditional' methods of meeting someone. Many of these singles have taken to the internet as an alternative means to finding their significant other/partner because they feel that other, more traditional methods have failed them.

After reading erotica books, watching BDSM based movies and in some cases, researching, people are turning to online BDSM forums and groups in hopes of meeting 'Mr. Right or Ms. Right', or in this case 'Master Right or Slave Right'. While some adults start their journey into the world of BDSM by dipping their toe in first and gradually working their way up into participating more with other like minded people in discussion forums and groups, others are jumping all in without any caution for their own safety. They label themselves Dominant or submissive and start trolling any and all groups they can in efforts to obtain a partner Dominant/submissive while knowing little to nothing about the BDSM Lifestyle, roles, protocols, or rules and making no efforts to vet the person they are considering getting into a TPE (total power exchange) dynamic with.

I have seen many people who identify as submissives so desperate for a companion, that they literally make an alias account on social media and start sending messages to every Dom they can find asking them to take them on as their sub. In some of these cases, especially if the Dominant is ethical and experienced, they will inform the submissive that this is completely inappropriate behavior, caution them to not approach random people offering complete and blind submission to a stranger, and ask them to not contact them again. While there are many good Dominants of this caliber, there are an even number of unscrupulous people that will pretend to be a Dominant and will accept any and all offers of submission from complete strangers. These predators are usually someone just looking for online fantasy role play, sadists looking to harm another person for self gratification, or a truly abusive person, be it mentally, physically or both, wanting to find their next victim.

If you are looking for a Dominant/submissive, especially if you are having feelings of desperation, depression, and/or loneliness, never rush into any relationship, online or real life, without first getting to know that person. If you are new to the BDSM community, do your research! Make sure you understand the basic roles, rules and protocols most Dominants/submissives follow. Be proactive and research Soft and Hard Limits. Find and fill in your own Limits Worksheet so when you do find a potential partner, you already have a completed list of items indicating things you are willing and not willing to do or try. Find online blogs and websites with various views of how they practice BDSM and learn from them. Incorporate things you like and take note of those you don't. This knowledge will help when vetting people for either scene only scenarios or relationships. It will also help you spot fake dominants before they can get too far into a conversation with you.

Never enter a relationship while feeling desperate. This leads to nothing but misery down the road. If you are depressed and looking for a Dominant, I urge you to take time for yourself first and become comfortable being single. If you can't be ok being alone and feel you have to have a partner, I don't know if you are ready to fully give yourself to someone as a submissive. Submission should bring feelings of joy and accomplishment. It should fill a need to serve a Dominant. It should be given to someone that makes your heart sing, your head filled with calm and soothing thoughts, and in your soul just feels right. It should not be given to a Dom in a desperate attempt to calm feelings of depression or loneliness. These relationships usually end up with a very needy person trying to be submissive but being more bratty because they never feel that their Dominant is giving them enough attention. They also hardly ever last more than a month, especially if it's an online only relationship.

If you are Dominant and you are in that very emotional situation, I also urge you to take time for yourself  becoming comfortable being single. If you are not ok being alone with yourself, how can you be the Dominant of a submissive that need you to be protective and to understand their needs.
Follow the same precautions that I outlined for submissives.

If you want to meet them in person, follow the basic safety measures I have outlined in the blog post First Meetings - Cyber to Real Life. These simple steps could be the difference in saving your own life. I'm not trying to scare you off from online dating, but I am trying to instill a sense of precaution.

While beginning and maintaining an online-only BDSM relationship can be mentally and emotionally fulfilling, if cautions are not taken with whomever you get into a dynamic with from the start, it can be very damaging as well. Please follow the simple suggestions I've made above, especially if you are new to the Lifestyle. It will save you much heartache in the end.

Simple BDSM Valentine's Day Gift Ideas - Little or No Money Required

Valentine's Day is right around the corner and many in the BDSM community are trying to figure out what kind of kinky present they can buy for their partner. If you search the internet, you will see all kinds of posts and guides that tell you go buy lingerie, lubes, bondage equipment, collars, whips, floggers, and the list just goes on and on. I haven't seen one post about not buying a kink related present and just doing something that would probably mean more to your partner than actually spending a lot of money on them.

Here are some alternative ideas that won't cost you anything but time and effort.

Gather pictures of your partner or the two of you together and make a slide show with music and text on the pictures. There are many free applications that you can use on a tablet or computer to accomplish this. It takes a little time and effort but your partner will have a keepsake that will last forever.

Write out a number of 'tickets' for favors. Take some paper (decorated or plain) and write down several services that you will perform for your partner On Demand when presented with the 'ticket'. You can use things like foot rub, back rub, special dinner, or performing some chore that your partner normally does. Just be creative. The number of 'tickets' you make is totally up to you. 

Cook a simple dinner. Have someone watch the kids, or get them to bed early if you have kids, set a table with candles and flowers and serve the meal. This will give you time to talk and connect with your partner that you may not do on a normal basis.

Give your partner an at home spa night. Run a bath with bubbles and candle light and serve them wine while they are relaxing in the tub. Wash their hair. Massage their scalp while washing the hair. After the tub, give them an all over body massage with oil or lotion. You can get really creative with this so that it can lead to more intimate situations. 

Basically, use your imagination and get creative. You don't have to do the whole cliche flowers, candy, and a card to make a special day. Nor do you have to spend a lot of money to make the holiday memorable. Do something that comes from your heart and your partner will love the time and effort you spent getting it ready. 

Happy Valentine's Day from Padrone Marco and Michelle Fegatofi! 

A Real BDSM Fairy Tail Come True - Part 3

I had to plan very carefully how to escape from my husband. On the day of Padrone's arrival, I made arrangements to leave my boys with a friend of mine. My ex had an appointment that was a 2 hour drive away from the house so I had a very tight time schedule to work with.

After he left, I dropped my boys off and hugged them and kissed them and told them that I love them very much. I then rushed back home and packed my clothes, shoes, personal items and left. I didn't have time to do anything else for fear he would come back and stop me. After he had virtually held me prisoner for those 3 days, I was not taking any chances. I was heart broken at having to leave my kids and extremely scared that I would get caught leaving.

I took the battery out of my phone so he could not track me. I picked up Padrone from the airport and we checked into a hotel. We were safe for 3 days until he tracked us down. He called the police and told them that I was being held against my will. They came and verified that I wasn't. During the two weeks we stayed in CA before boarding the plane to come to Italy, he did many things to us trying to stop me from getting on that plane.

He called my epilepsy doctor and asked her to declare me mentally unstable. She refused because she said I have seizures, but am not crazy. She also threatened to file a police report on him if he called her office again. He had the cops come by the hotel every night with a different complaint until they just stopped responding.

My original passport had expired so I needed a new one. I applied for one and had it expressed to our hotel room. He somehow found out and had a woman call and impersonate me and get the address changed to be rerouted our house, knowing that I would not be able to pick it up if it was delivered there. I literally just happened to call to get a status update and they told me about it. I had to cancel that one and we drove to LA to get one printed and made at the office down there.

He got the GPS turned back on in my truck and found out we were at the vet's office for an appointment. He stormed in and tried to physically remove me from there. When I wouldn't move, he tried to pick a fight with Padrone. Padrone calmly stated he wouldn't fight and asked the vet to call the cops. He left before they arrived.

The night before our flight to Italy, I logged in to the computer to check-in online and found out that our tickets were cancelled. Padrone called the airlines and they told him that Padrone Marco had called earlier and cancelled the non-refundable tickets! My ex had somehow managed to convince them that he was Padrone and that he wanted to cancel the tickets. That was his last ditch effort to keep me in the country. Padrone ended up searching and searching for a one way flight back to Italy because he had to be back at work the day after we landed. He ended up having to spend $3000 for two one-way tickets back to Italy.

I have to tell you that the stress was enormous and we didn't feel any relief until we were on that plane on our way to Italy. While I do not regret leaving him, I do regret that I left my kids the way I did. I wish I had had time to prepare them, time to fight for them in court, something. But, I was at my breaking point mentally. I couldn't stay there any longer. I had asked him for a divorce several times and he told me he would never let me go. I had tried unsuccessfully to get a job for 2 years when the market was at it's worst (2010 & 2011). I had asked my family for help before making the decision to leave with Padrone but again, they all told me it would work itself out

Needless to say, my soon-to-be (hopefully) ex-Husband has done many things to me in attempts to torment and torture me any way he could. He has kept me from speaking to my kids out of revenge. He blocked my numbers and messages from their phones and then denies it. When asked, my boys thought I had given up on talking to them. But on the rare occasions I do get to connect to them, I reiterate many times how much I love them and want to stay in touch with them as much as possible.

As of this post, January 2017, I have been waiting 5 years and 5 months for a divorce and have not received one yet, despite constant pleadings and promises of filing. He never filed and I am beginning to wonder if he ever will. I think that he is holding out giving me the divorce because it is the only thing he can control besides access to my kids. He is such a narcissist that he really does think he should have control over every aspect of people he comes into contact with.

I am very happy with my life here in Italy with Padrone and know that we have many more years of bliss together as we keep exploring the different aspects of our dynamic and life itself.


Find happiness when and where you can, but also be prepared for all the implications and ramifications your happiness may cost others as you forge your own way through life.

BDSM Group Etiquette on Social Media - Do's and Don'ts

We have all been there. Sitting on your computer, browsing the latest posts and comments in one or more of your favorite BDSM related groups. You see some good questions. You read some great replies. Then you stumble to a halt in your scrolling and have to reread a post or comment again just to make sure you read it right the first time. When you are sure you did read it correctly, you start thinking, "What the heck?" and "Did somebody really just write that?" This is when you really start to wonder if the people in that group are actually there for the right reasons.

I have actually left many groups over the past year or more because the groups became stagnant, cliquish, filled with people only wanting to hook up, or people mostly bragging and complaining about any and everything having to do with their life. Now, I'm not saying that every group has to be the same or that there can't be fun to be had. I am saying that groups should have a set of rules and people should follow a certain etiquette to ensure the ongoing debates and inclusive feeling of the group instead of making people feel excluded.

Here is a list I consider to be essential when partaking in online group activities:

Posting in a Group

• When you write a post, do not complain about your partner or make your partner look bad, especially when that partner is not in the same group. If you are asking for advice about a situation concerning that partner, do it in the most possible respectful way because you would not want that same partner to talk about you in a disrespectful manner behind your back. 
• Do not write a post that is all whiney or desperate and then don't state what the matter is. If you are sad, mad or feeling some other emotion and feel the need to share it in a post, don't leave people in the group hanging. State your entire problem/emotion/feelings in the initial post instead of fishing for comments. It just makes you look like an Attention Seeker (would use a different name but I'm trying to keep it civil).
• Unless it is specifically written that it is OK to do so, Do Not post pictures of yourself half naked or in some kind of 'sexy' pose. You look desperate to most people in the group and you are demeaning yourself. If you want people to look at you, post all the pictures you want on your own home page, but groups are not the place to do it. 
• Don't share every detail of your sex life. People do not want to constantly hear about your many sexual adventures or how many orgasms you had. 
• Don't be overly affectionate about your partner. For the ones that have a partner (Dom or sub), it's totally fine to sing their praises every once in a while. But to post how much you love your partner, how perfect they are, how proud of them you are, etc etc..... 500 times a day in the same group, that is just too much! 
• Don't post pictures of your partner that make them look bad, ugly, silly, or anything but good, especially when that partner doesn't know you posted the picture. 

Commenting on Another Person's Post

• If you have a different opinion than what someone wrote, present your opinion in a concise respectful manner and not in a childish bullying way. Make sure your comment sounds more like a debate versus an argument. Groups are not a place to argue like 5 year olds on a school play ground. It is a place where different people should be able to state their own opinions on different subjects without the fear of reprisal. 
• Don't intentionally bait people. Don't write reply or write something that you know will intentionally piss someone off. That starts arguments and makes it very uncomfortable for others in the group. 
• Read the original post more than once to ensure you are commenting in a knowledgeable way and not commenting about something that is totally unrelated. This can lead to many arguments and misunderstandings.

In general, be very careful about what you post because it can always come back to haunt you. Be respectful and don't get mad every time someone has a different opinion from your own. If you have nothing constructive or nice to say about a post, just keep scrolling on by. 

Though the above list are the things that come to my own mind and are of my own opinion when I have read/commented/posted in groups, they do not cover every facet or instance that could happen. Please leave your own additions and comments below! 

Dealing with Envy in BDSM

Envy is defined as a feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else's possessions, qualities, or life. Envy is a reaction to lacking something. Jealousy is a reaction to the threat of losing something (usually someone). Let's face it, most of us get envious when we see how other people portray their lives online. They talk about how perfect their relationships are, how much money their partner spends on them and generally how the grass is always greener on their side of life. Many people do this to gain attention while others try to make up a fantasy world that is not a real representation of their actual daily lives.

This is no different when it comes to the world of BDSM. You can go into pretty much any Lifestyle related group and find any number of posts bragging about how 'submissive A' has the best Dominant because of blank blank reason. In my experience, I have realized that it is mainly submissive females that are always trying to 'Out Submissive' all the other subs in their environment.

There are Dominants out there that do brag about things, but if you really pay attention, it is normally subs that are the ones who try to make others jealous and envious of their relationships. Don't be like them and don't fall into that trap!

I know, as a dedicated submissive, most of you are very happy and proud of your BDSM dynamic and want to share it with the world. I'm not saying that is a bad thing. It's not. However, there is a huge difference in bragging and trying to show off to your friends online versus simply stating how much you love and are devoted to your dominant partner. 

I admit I have had envious thoughts throughout my life and a longing for the dynamic that I have now. Before meeting Padrone, I had been in different D/s dynamics, but never any deeply serious ones as compared to the one I am in now. I always wanted a Dominant that would take care of me, guide me, love me, and allow me to be myself in all ways. I read about so many relationships that were like that and I wondered why I couldn't find it. Why could I not have that?

Well, after I started paying more attention to these 'perfect' online relationships, I realized that they never seemed to last over a few months. If they were so perfect, why were they not in it for the long haul? The answer is simple. They weren't perfect. They were far from it. The people involved mainly had what I call a 'look at me' type of relationship. 

What is a 'look at me' type of relationship? I define it as those relationships or online dynamics where one or both partners are constantly talking about how much they love the other one; how they can't live without each other; and how neither of them ever have any problems with the other. These are couples that have the continuous need to express really private feelings and information online for the entire world to see. They are usually overly zealous in telling each other how wonderful they are together and how there is no one else that could ever take their place. These are also the same couples that usually end up trading in their partner for another one and start showing the world those exact same tendencies with the new person.

Feeling envy is a natural human emotion. If left unchecked though, it can get out of hand and have a negative impact on your life and your emotions. If you feel envious of other people's lives, sit back and look at your own life. 

Envious thoughts in a submissive only lead to bad things. The submissive journey should be one filled with as much happiness as possible. Being envious can and will affect your daily life, your ability to submit fully to your Dominant partner, as well as have a huge negative impact on your emotions and thoughts. 

How can you overcome the negativity of envious thoughts?

• Shift your focus to the goodness in your life.
• Remind yourself that nobody has it all.
• Avoid people who habitually value the wrong things. (Especially monetary and materialistic things)
• Spend time with grateful people.
• Understand that marketers routinely fan the flame.
• Celebrate the success of others.

Right now, you may not be in the type of relationship you want or living the life you dreamed of having. You may covet the dynamic or life you see others depict online, but you have to be thankful first for your life, including everything and everyone in it. 

Start to turn your own life around and the happiness you want will follow.