Online Long Distance BDSM Relationships

Maintaining a relationship in today's society can be difficult even in normal situations because we have many obligations and life in general is hectic. With the rise in technology, how we meet potential partners has changed. Twenty years ago, people met partners through friends, blind dates, or just by chance run-ins at a bar/supermarket/other social gathering. In today's world, the internet has changed how society interacts with one another. We have many people using social media and dating apps to find a potential partner to date or just to hookup with.

In the BDSM community, an entire new branch has developed. Many people are learning about and practicing a form of BDSM online, without ever meeting their Dominant/submissive in person. These types of relationships consist mostly of 90% mental submission and 10% physical submission. The mental submission usually appears in the form of the submissive showing his/her submission by performing tasks assigned by the Dominant. The Dominant usually gives the sub a set of rules to follow that are compatible with the sub's real life and has minimal impact on real life obligations. They usually maintain contact through email, instant messages, and text messages several times a day. Some even go as far as to use a tracking software on the cellphone of the submissive to ensure that the sub is exactly where he/she says they will be.

While many of these relationships never last much longer than a a few weeks, others grow and last for years. There are many Old Guard practitioners of BDSM that don't consider online only D/s or M/s as a true form of the BDSM umbrella. Their thoughts are that if you are never with your partner in person, then true domination and submission can't happen. You can't see whether or not the submissive follows all the rules and tasks or if they take short cuts and simply lie about a task being completed. Although I'm a firm believer in the OG ways, I have also learned to keep an open mind and adapt my views of the ever changing community and accepted online only BDSM Dynamics as real relationships.

There are a lot of people that use the internet as a fantasy just to have a distraction from their real life problems. But, when a real connection happens, emotions get involved and the pair start getting closer. Trust is established and their connection becomes deeper. A couple can be as committed and faithful to each other as their real life counterparts. If you've never been in this type of dynamic, you can't understand the commitment that exists between the participants.

While I support online BDSM relationships, I also advise caution when meeting and getting to know your potential partner (Dominant or submissive). Take your time to really get to know the other person. Learn their thoughts on BDSM Limits, their goals for an online only relationship, how they view these types of relationships and details about their everyday lives. You want to make sure you're compatible with each other in a BDSM setting but also in a normal setting as well. For example, you ask about their views on certain Lifestyle subjects and find out that you're both on the same page. Then, since we never just stick to only BDSM related subjects, you move to politics as a topic of discussion. You find out that his/her beliefs are completely different from your own. These are things that honestly can make or break a friendship and even some relationships. The more you know about the other person before actually engaging in a BDSM dynamic will help you maintain a stronger, longer lasting online relationship.

Warning Signs and Red Flags to look out for. 

Now, we all know that there are a lot of creepy stalker people whose goals are to tag a victim and either mentally/emotionally abuse them, or to try to perform some type of fraud, such as stealing bank account information or identity theft. Here are some things you need to look for that should be red flags when starting to get to know the person.

1. Extravagant Life stories. If you are hearing a bunch of stories (because that's what they are most of the time) and not a lot of it seems realistic, this is a warning sign!
2. Refuses to video chat. If they have an excuse every time you ask them to video chat, then I would see this as a red flag. Most devices now have some sort of camera on them and there are just too many free apps available to use that continually refusing video chats is a warning that things are not as they would have you believe.
3. No updated profile pictures. While many people don't update their profile pics just because they like the one they have already, it shouldn't stop them from at least sending a current pic to you. If they refuse or continually make excuses, it may not even be them in the picture.
4. Refuses all voice contact. If you want talk but it's too expensive because of distance, there are multiple free applications that you can use to have a voice conversion with. Ask yourself why your partner never talks to you verbally? Red flag.
5. Only provides extremely limited or vague information about their real lives. If you're trying to get to know a person and are thinking about entering into a BDSM dynamic, you have to know about their real life. This type of information is important to start a foundation of trust but also for establishing rules, tasks and protocols. 
6. Always making excuses as to why they missed contacting you. Say you have a set time to chat, text, or instant message your partner but they always have some excuse as to why they missed it, this is a red flag. Does your partner have a sister in rehab – but then they are suddenly in jail? 

Maintaining an Online Relationship  

Once you have established a good online connection built with a solid foundation, it's important that you work to maintain it. Being in an online only relationship can be difficult, so here are some tips to help you stay connected.

1. Speak or video chat every day for at least an hour. While you may maintain some form of contact through text messages, it's much more intimate to hear and see the other person.
2. Avoid distractions while you are talking to your Dominant/submissive. If you are eating, watching tv, talking to friends or family members, your attention is divided and makes the other person feel that they are not as important to you as what you are physically doing.
3. Implement a sense of closeness. If you're a Dominant, send a message reinforcing your commitment to guide and protect your sub. If you're a submissive, send photos and messages showing tasks completed or rules followed to assure your Dominant that you are his even with the distance between you.
4. Keep an air of random spicy expectation. Send messages to your submissive demanding they remove underwear suddenly. Send your Dominant a picture that teases them. In both cases, make sure you don't get them into trouble at work or in real life.  
5. Always remember birthdays, anniversaries, or other important dates. Celebrate them with virtual cards or by sending gifts.
6. Stay involved with your partner's real life as much as possible. Celebrate, grieve, be happy, cry, everything with them just as you would if you were there in person.
7. Misunderstandings can happen more easily online that in person because it's harder to get our points across when we're not face to face. Before getting mad and jumping to conclusions, ask specific questions to clarify what the other person was trying to say. This should be done via video chat if possible because it makes it easier to judge facial expressions while working out problems that arise. 
8. Don't live the relationship out in the open, like on Facebook pages or Twitter, more than you do in private. What I mean is, it's fine to post pictures and comments about your devotion to each other, but make sure you privately relay that same sentiment when no one is looking.
9. Always be open and honest about what you're feeling.

Punishments for Online Only Dynamics 

If punishment is a part of the way you practice BDSM, it's even more important that you maintain consistency with rules, rewards, and punishments. I highly recommend that you make a contract detailing rules, punishments and protocols so that neither person is surprised or broadsided by the actions or behavior of the other. For some ideas in how to punish your submissive if and when it may be needed, check out my detailed blog post Punishments in BDSM Relationships.

In conclusion, make sure you know the person well before investing time, energy, and emotions into an online BDSM dynamic. Look for warning signs or red flags, keep an open and honest line of communication with them, and don't be in a rush!    

Guilt and Chronic Illness in BDSM

You know, when your 'get up and go' has 'got up and went' before you ever get out of bed, it's going to be a bad day. As with many other days, that sentence explains the past few days for me. As a BDSM slave, it makes me feel bad emotionally and mentally to not be able to live up to my normal expectations of myself. In turn, these negative feelings make my brain and body operate on an even worse level than they already were. 

Even when I don't feel good, I am always able to help Padrone at least in some small ways. When I can't, I try to wake him up and get his coffee before work. Doing the smallest things for him makes me happy and makes me feel useful. As a slave, heck as a person, I need and want to feel useful. Many times, I hide away from the world when I'm sick because I feel like if I can't help myself, if I'm feeling all down and negative, why let people see that? I think there's too much negativity in the world already and don't want to add to it by complaining about my health issues. 

But, when I don't answer people right away, when I see the comments, tags, emails, and messages trying to get in touch with me, I feel guilty for not responding, even though I had a very legitimate reason to not to. How do I get myself out of feeling this guilty cycle? How can I feel better while taking care of my own needs?

I have to follow what Padrone has taught me. I have to listen and not think. Padrone always tells me to take it easy during the times my epilepsy is acting up. He tells me to not worry about him, chores, the dogs, or our followers. He tells me to concentrate on myself and my own needs because those are what my priority has to be when I'm not feeling good. How can I take care of someone else's needs when my own haven't been take care of? 

Over the past few years, I have finally started to understand this and allowed myself the time I need between bouts of illness. I take the time out and recover much quicker. After sleeping or relaxing, my brain and attitude are much better and I'm able to go back to my primary mission, which is to help Padrone and help others in the world of BDSM. 

As bottoms, submissives and slaves, we are always putting the needs of our Dominants over our own, which we should when we are in the right head space and health space to do so. But, we also have to realize that we need to take care of our own needs too because we can't serve and give our best to our Dominants if we are not feeling well. 

With all this above, what I want to say is: understand yourself and your limits. It's good to push those limits, because it helps us to get stronger. But at the same time, we need to know just how far our limits can be pushed. Mental and emotional health are very important factors to keep track of, just as we monitor our body's physical health. Don't put the entire burden of your health on your Dominant. Be hyper aware of your mental state, as well as your physical state. This will help you to learn more about yourself and possibly help you to maintain a more balanced and healthy lifestyle.