My Thoughts on True BDSM Submission

Over the past few years, I have had the privilege of mentoring and advising many types of people on BDSM in general, but mainly on submission within a Lifestyle dynamic. I have been asked all the normal questions of how, what, where, why as well as some that made me really have to think and pull the answer from deep within me.

I have seen a huge rise in people making up new labels and definitions that, in my own opinion, have absolutely nothing to do with being a true submissive. Before you get mad,  just keep reading to understand what I mean.

Throughout human history, you can find records and pictures showing all kinds of kinky sex play, many being the origins of what is now known as S&M. Our culture has also always had a form of Dominant/submissive relationship embedded into it from actual slave ownership in ancient times to the 'men are the head of the household' of late 20th century America. Now, you have BDSM. It's always been Top/bottom, Dominant/submissive, Master/slave, and Switch (all gender neutral). You are asking what does the history lesson have to do with the Lifestyle? Well, if you do your homework, you will see that submissives have always been submissive.

Let's step back into the typical 1950's American household. The husband worked. The wife cooked, cleaned and did everything to make her husband happy. If the wife did something that was outside the husband's house rules, she was usually spanked or punished in some other way, and I'm not talking abuse. But the wife would never step outside her submissive role that she had married into when she married her dominant husband.

These past couple of years have brought up all kinds of new terms and people trying to redefine what BDSM is, the roles, the dynamics, and the actual definitions of those roles. I have seen new titles such as Warrior Princes, Primal, Alpha Sub, and many more used in place of submissive or slave. By their very names and meanings, this is not how to describe a submissive, especially in a BDSM dynamic.

Yes, every relationship and contract is different. Yes, everyone's thoughts, rules and contracts differ widely. I read several times in groups on social media web sites that a submissive didn't like the punishment she was given. There was a submissive that acted out and enraged her dominant just to get a spanking. His punishment wasn't a spanking but corner time. She was mad about that and said she 'deserved' a spanking. Apparently she doesn't understand being a submissive, having agreed to punishments, that her dominant is the one that decides what is to be doled out at the time it's needed.

So many of the new types of submissives out there love topping from the bottom even though I don't think they realize it. One person wrote to me saying they did something they knew was against their rules, they got a punishment of spanking. As the spanking was being delivered, they went through a myriad of 'head spaces' from infant, to toddler, older child and then pre-teen. They said at the end of the spanking punishment, they threw a giant fit and felt worse instead of feeling better. First of all, a punishment isn't used to make you feel better. It's used to deter a submissive from doing that same wrong thing again in the future. A few red flags went up when I read about this situation. The whole 'changing head spaces' excuse is total bullshit to me. Unless you have a multiple personality disorder, there's no way you would be able to process going from one head space to another. Then there's the part where the sub was 'even angrier' after the punishment was delivered. You don't get mad after being punished for something you did wrong, especially when you understand you did break a rule. If this person were a true submissive, they would feel remorse and go out of their way in the future not to repeat that same thing.

It amazes me that I have read supposed submissives say they say No to their Dominants anytime they want to. If there is a valid reason, ok, no problem. But, if a sub is sitting on the couch reading a book, the Dominant asks them to go fetch a glass of water, the sub should put the book down, get the water, present it to their Dominant, and return to reading. There should be no bad feelings associated with it. If the sub asks the dominant to wait just a second for them to finish up a paragraph, then ok. But a flat out refusal for no good reason, only because they don't want to? That is absolutely not submissive behavior. That is a red flag sign of a fake submissive.

I have seen so many people calling themselves Warrior Princesses and Alpha Subs. These terms are not accepted in the real world BDSM community. Not in any that I know of. While Alpha Sub has been around for a while, its original meaning has become convoluted. People are taking it to mean they are a leader, one that bows down to no one. If you are that, then you are not submissive. Let's be clear, everything I'm talking about is within the confines of a BDSM relationship. You can be a CEO of a Fortune 500 company, but once you are in that role of submissive in a BDSM situation, you are submissive. You will present and act as a true submissive does.

To sum up my rambling thoughts, here is what I think a True Submissive is versus a faker. These are the traits that submissives in a BDSM relationship usually have when it comes to their dynamic with their Dominant.

• Someone that feels the need to submit to another person
• Someone that feels the pull and pride to serve
• Someone that always speaks truth to their Dominant about their feelings and situations
• Someone that doesn't bounce around from Dominant to Dominant every other week.
• Someone that follows the rules and protocols set forth by their Dominant 
• Someone that doesn't break the rules on purpose to goad their Dominant into punishment
• Someone that learns from their mistakes and tries their best not to repeat them 
• Someone that takes punishments with grace and feels moves forward without lingering bad feelings 
• Someone that puts their Dominant's needs above their own 
• Someone that always tries to anticipate how they can make their Dominant's life easier by doing things they were never expected or asked to do 

These are how I think of submissives. If you don't fit every line in the list above, am I saying you aren't a submissive? No. I'm just saying you might need to reevaluate your thoughts and your own place in the BDSM lifestyle. I am also not referring to Sexual Submissives. Those are people that only submit during sexual situations.

For a look into our beliefs of BDSM in general, read To Thine Own Self Be True .

Feel free to comment below and add your thoughts to this. I'm always open to hearing other's opinions, even if they are completely opposite of my own.