BDSM Unveiled Talk Tuesday for 31 March 2015

Welcome to BDSM Unveiled's Talk Tuesday! Every week we try to bring you questions that are not normally asked in an effort to help broaden your Lifestyle knowledge. We have a very diverse set of questions for you once again! This week's topics cover 'Safety for first Meetings', '24/7 Switches', and 'Ending an M/s Relationship'.

Question #1) "I have been talking to a Dom online and I want to meet him for a playdate. I have read all kinds of things about safety and want to know what you think about safety protocols?"

Before you play, I would suggest you meet him just for coffee or something first in a public place. Get to know him more in person before playing. If you can, get a couple of references from other well known Lifestyle members that can vouch for him. You also want to make sure you get the type of car he drives and the license plate beforehand. Write this information down, along with the full name and phone number and give it to a friend in case anything happens to you.

When you do meet him for a play date, make sure you have a couple of safe calls set up. That is where you call a friend at a certain time to let them know you are ok. Most of all, pay attention to your own instincts. If something seems off with the guy, it probably is and I recommend you cut all contact with him. Many times we will ignore our own instincts to our own peril.

For more in-depth information:
First Meetings - Cyber to Real Life


Question #2) "My partner and I are both switches and new to BDSM. We take turns during sex being the dom/sub. If we wanted to live the lifestyle outside of the bedroom, how would that work?"

First, you have to both fill out and agree on what the limits, rules, and protocols will be for each of you when you are in the sub role. Next, I suggest using an alternating schedule with 2 vanilla days in between in order to be able to switch roles more clearly. An example would be 5 days D/s roles, 2 days vanilla, switch roles and do another 5 days.

In order to help each of you get into your correct head space for the role you are taking on that week (Dom/sub), establish a protocol that is symbolic for each of you. You can do something like having the sub kneel before the Dom and placing the collar around the neck while the dom says something significant that affirms the dominant's role at the same time. You might also want to think about establishing a mini uncollaring ceremony in order to help each of you transition out of your roles.

If you feel like you want to go longer or have less days in between, that will be something you will change as you both grow more comfortable with your schedules and roles.


Question #3) "I want to end the relationship with my Master but he says I can't until he wants to call it off. How can I end the relationship with him since I am the slave?"

First of all, you can end the relationship anytime you wish. If you have a contract or not, you are not bound by anything legal to stay with him. I suggest you tell him point blank that you are formally ending your relationship and will no longer serve him as his slave. If you are living together, you need to make arrangements to leave. If you are both involved with a BDSM community, I suggest you ask another dominant to sponsor or protect you until you are sure you are free from this guy. Most of all, be careful. If you think he is abusive or will be abusive, I suggest a restraining order.  BDSM slavery is freely given and taken away. You are in no way at all bound to him, unless you choose to be. Just remember that no matter what he tries to tell you.

I hope you learned something new and that the Q&A helped you with one of your own Lifestyle questions. If you are having a problem or just want advice on a BDSM related question, send an email to bdsmunveiled@gmail.com. All questions answered anonymously!

BDSM Unveiled Talk Tuesday for 25 March 2015

Welcome to BDSM Unveiled's Talk Tuesday! I have been 'WiFi challenged' all week but am all set tonight! The questions I chose for this week are somewhat different from the ones I normally post. But, I think many people new to the Lifestyle wonder about the same things. This week's topics cover "Starting BDSM", "Submissive Limits - who sets them",  and "Swingers".

Question #1) "What kind of stuff (toys clothes ect) do I need to start practicing BDSM?"

None in reality. It depends on what parts of BDSM you want to practice. Do you and your partner want to play with toys, practice bondage? You can use common household items (neckties, stockings, scarves) as blindfolds and binds for arms and legs. If you want to try different things for spanking tools, you can try wooden spoons, spatulas, or hair brushes. You might be surprised if you look around your house as to the things you can use to play sexually. Now, clothes are always optional.

If you want to practice a Dominant/submissive relationship outside the bedroom, you need to establish rules, protocols, and limits with your partner. Whatever you decide, there has to be trust, respect, and open communication between you. Anything you decide to practice should be safe, sane, and most importantly consensual.

For further information read:

S&M on a Budget
Foundations of a D/s Relationship

Question #2) "I'm new to D&S and a submissive. I was reading on your blog about Limits and wondered if it was my place to put limits in place or for my Dominant to put limits in place when I get one? I read that everyone should have limits and there are things I don't want to do. Can you help clear up my confusion?"

You have to set your own limits first. Nobody knows innermost desires, wants, needs and expectations than you. As you grow in your new life as a submissive, you will most likely change some of your limits. Your dominant will have limits that may differ somewhat from yours so he/she will need to maintain their own list. Once you and your dominant have both read, filled in, and then reread your limits list, you will then compare each of them. Make a third list that has one column that is a combined list (ones you both checked off on the worksheet), then two other columns showing your individual lists. This is the list that you can use to base punishments, scenes, and rules about how you want to live your version of the lifestyle on.

I suggest you download my free Limits Worksheet eBook. It will help you think of many things that you might overlook.

For further information read:

Limits in a BDSM Relationship
Free Limits Worksheet eBook


Question #3) "Are all BDSM people swingers?"

No. You will find most BDSM couples are very committed to each other and monogamous. There are an infinite number of BDSM relationships. Some dominants do not share their submissives while others like to hand their subs to different dominants to play with. Some BDSM relationships are a monogomous Poly group (meaning more than 2 people involved) while others may have an Open play policy. All parties involved in any type of BDSM relationship have to know everything and be honest with the other member or members of their group.


For further information read:

The Differences in BDSM Relationships and Then Some...
Swinging, Swapping, Polysexuality, Polyamory-Polyamorus (or Poly) relationships
Polyamory in BDSM

I hope you found the above questions interesting and informative. Make sure you read the suggested posts afterwards to help your understanding of a particular subject grow. If you have any questions you would like to ask me or advise on, send an email to bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com.

Submissive Behaviors: Topping from the Bottom

This week instead of addressing normal Talk Tuesday questions, I am writing on a particular subject that I feel will be very beneficial for many new submissives and Dominants. Next week, the normal Talk Tuesday post will be back so get your questions in to us now at bdsmunveiled@gmail.com.

Topping from the bottom is when the bottom (submissive) directs how the scene or relationship goes. It is considered inappropriate behavior in most D/s circles. It can have many connotations, some of which make the dominant seem to be the less dominant person in the relationship. It also can be looked upon as the submissive trying to get the attention of their dominant because the submissive feels that they aren't getting enough.

Why does a submissive top from the bottom? This is the question that has many conflicting answers. Some suggest that it is simply to get attention from the dominant. Some say that it is to act out against the dominant because they don't want the control. Sometimes the submissive is naturally more dominant than their dominant, so it comes natural for them to bottom top. And still, there are also cases of the submissive being trained by the dominant to bottom top. Each person is different, so it can't really be said that there is one reason that a submissive bottom tops without truly knowing them.

Some subtle ways that a submissive might control their Dominant is by denying things to their Dominant until they feel that it is the right time to give him what he wants (affections, completing tasks, service). One of the major pieces of D/s lifestyles is letting your Master stretch your limitations, maybe trying new things you would have never let yourself try before out of shame or fear. Now I'm not suggesting that you should just put your life in a Dominant's hands and have no limits. Please have limits because safe, sane, and consensual play is always key. However if you do not trust your Dominant to punish as needed or pleasure you in his way in his own time, then the relationship isn't what it could be.

How do you recognise if your submissive is topping you from the bottom?

• They always ask 'Why' when given an order.
• They outright ignore commands or requests.
• They make all decisions on their own without following the dominant's directions. 
• They tell the dominant what to do or how to behave during a scene. 

The above list is but a few signs that would be prevalent in these situations. If your submissive or yourself displays these signs, you should stop and ask yourself why. If this is a recurrent behaviour, then two situations come to my mind as a possible cause. First, you could be a switch and not know or understand that you have those tendencies. Second, you are not in a D/s dynamic that allows you to submit for some reason; the sub is not sub enough or actually not submissive. In this situation, reasons are often that the submissive doesn't trust or respect the dominant or that the dominant is not strong enough in personality to keep the sub's submission.

The solution to this could be as simple as putting the submissive in her/his place. They could just be pressing the limits to see when they will be stopped. Once the law has been laid down again this can stop the situation immediately. However sometimes the issue is deeper and something to be addressed more formally. It could be that the submissive has deep trust issues, if this is the case then counselling maybe the only way to help the situation. Really it can be different for all Dominant/submissive couples so it is key to make sure that it is not a serious emotional issue before corrective measures are taken.

If you have anything to add to this conversation, please leave comments below! All creative commentary and diverse opinions welcome!

BDSM Unveiled Talk Tuesday 10 March 2015

This week on BDSM Unveiled's Talk Tuesday, we discuss 'Brats/SAMs', 'Taken in Hand relationships', and 'Secret BDSM Groups'.

Question #1) "I recently found the world of bdsm and i was simply sucked into the beauty of it all. Your book bdsm for beginners really gave me a basic understanding of the kink world and is a big reason why i chose to explore the scene. In my every day life I'm a vanilla girl working her way to becoming a strong independent woman. I recently tested really high for brattiness on a bdsm test and i was wondering what you think of brats? I understand that theres a fine line between being a playful submissive and just being down right disrespectful and the term brat is often frowned upon in the community. I just wanted your opinion as there is scarce resources on this particular topic."

Brat is a term that has been utilised more in recent years (mostly since 2000) in the world of BDSM, especially since the online community started becoming more active. Depending on who you ask, you will get different answers about what a brat is and if it is even a real term or role. To me, brat is not an actual role or sub category, but an adjective describing a SAM. In an earlier blog post I wrote called 'What Type of Submissive are You?', I talk about SAM's (Smart-Ass Masochists). They deliberately misbehave most or all of the time so the Dominant will punish them. These types of subs are frowned upon in the BDSM community. Most people feel these subs are too weak to honestly ask for what they want or in some cases, they are not aware that they want to be punished. At times, they can provoke real anger without thinking how their behavior can affect the Dominant. The Dominant may then lose control and do actual harm to the SAM. They feel great remorse in losing control and can lose confidence in their Dominant abilities. You are right when you say there is a fine line between SAM and playful. If you do have a sense of humour, make sure that your Dominant does also. If he/she doesn't, they can very well see any attempts at playfulness as disrespect. Second, take care to not cross over the line into disrespect when you do play with your dominant. As far as those tests are concerned, I honestly don't think they are real or accurate when it comes to online tests. I would not put too much significance on what a personality test says and concentrate on developing your own wants/needs and those of your partner.


Question #2) "I stumbled across your site after doing a Google search for "bdsm housewife." On the first page, third from the top and hidden amongst 8,480,000 results that seem to mostly consist of tacky porn, was your article "Being a 1950s Style Housewife in 2013." Jackpot!

Unfortunately, your article is pretty much the only thing I could find about the topic. I believe this definitely falls under the BDSM umbrella, but it's difficult to find anything about it. There are plenty of resources for ropes and whips and chains, any plenty more for what I've come to think of as the caricature of BDSM roles. Hardly any resources, I'm afraid, for the more subtle side of BDSM that I think this topic touches on.

I was hoping you could direct me to additional resources or, if you know of none, that you and your husband would consider writing a bit more about this topic. I wish I could be more specific about what I'm trying to find, but part of the problem is not really having the language to describe what it is we're looking for. It's difficult for two very progressive people to realize that they both desire what I can best describe as a more "traditional" marriage dynamic. Any help or information you (and/or your husband) can provide would be greatly appreciated."

What you are describing sounds like a Taken in Hand relationship. I am glad you found my article useful. Below, I have compiled a list of different Taken in Hand websites that I hope will help discover what exactly you and your wife seek. While most Taken in Hand relationships utilise spankings and various forms of discipline, you do not have to, unless you both agree that it would be beneficial to you both. I have to say upfront that I have not read the entire websites but have skimmed and think they will be a good start for your and your wife's journey. Some of them may have religious connotations in them that I am not aware of. While I am not religious and do not promote any type of religion, I do respect all views of religion from others.

Please read and let me know if you have more questions and I will be happy to answer or direct you if I can.

surrendered.blog.com/taken-in-hand-relationship
www.experienceproject.com/stories/Am-In-A-Taken-In-Hand-Relationship
desiringdiscipline.wordpress.com/2012/08/15/cdd-ttwd-taken-in-hand-and-what-do-the-men-think-of-this
adomesticdisciplinesociety.blogspot.it/p/blog-page_6
adomesticdisciplinesociety.blogspot.it/2013/04/taken-in-hand-head-of-household-tih-hoh-role-domestic-discipline
unconventionalwoman.blogspot.it/2008/03/taken-in-hand-and-alpha-male
adomesticdisciplinesociety.blogspot.it/2012/09/becoming-taken-in-hand

These should give you a great beginning and at least give you a better description of the type of relationship you and your wife strive to make. After reading the blogs above, let me know if you have questions and I will try to help.


Question #3) "My wife is in a secret bdsm group. Should i worry? i do trust her. She says its cause we are in a good place in our relationship, she didn't feel the need to have to tell me. Shes dedicated to me and then last night she told me she i my sub and submits and trust only me to give her the love and protection she needs. And told me im her dom i have never really dommed before so this is new to me. Any advice you have would be very helpful and appreciated. You know on how to properly dom how to keep her happy and when and how to discipline and reward her."

If she is telling you that she is in a secret group and you want to find out about the group, ask to be put into it yourself. You might learn some things from it. As long as she is not hiding the fact she is in a BDSM group and you two continue to have open and honest communication, I wouldn't worry. As far as learning more about the world of BDSM, the first thing you have to do is read as much as you can about the bids lifestyle before you start trying to implement anything into your relationship. Read about the different types of relationships and decide with your wife what type of dynamic you wish to learn. A couple of websites to read would be thelairofladyhecate.com, bdsmunveiled.com, and submissiveguide.com. They offer many posts that will be very helpful to you and your wife.

I hope you all found this week's topics informative once again. If you have anything you would like to ask me or questions you need advice on, please email me at bdsmunveiled@gmail.com.

Surprised & Grateful!

BDSM Unveiled Talk Tuesday for 3 March 2015

Welcome to this week's edition of Talk Tuesday! Sorry it's a day late, but these past few days has been a struggle for me and my epilepsy. This week we talk about "Maintaining a 24/7 relationship", "D/s Relationship structures", and "A Narcissistic Dom".

Question #1) "We're trying to live life as a 24/7 D/s couple but it is complicated. We feel that this is our path to take but it's very difficult to stay concentrated because things in life happen around us all the time. We are determined to continue because we feel that this is not a game for us but what we desire to be. What advice can you give to help us keep our roles?"

First you both have to be very committed to establishing and maintaining this type of relationship. I would suggest setting realistic goals and rules for your relationship. Set up protocols and routines that you both can agree to and work with that fit into your lifestyle. Make sure that you both understand all punishments that are to be given and why (if you practice a lifestyle with a punishment basis). Even living a 24/7 D/s or M/s lifestyle, we all deal with regular everyday life such as families, jobs, chores (faccende) etc.

With rules, start out with easy to follow ones such as what kind of clothes to wear, who you can and can not talk to (males, females), how you keep your body groomed (shaving, hair color etc).

Protocols would be include things like how you address your Dominant in public and at home, when you wear your collar, how you greet your Dom when he gets home from work. Make simple ones and keep in mind that life gets in the way for everyone. If you work and come home tired most days, your dominant should not expect you to go into your submissive mode as soon as you walk into the door.

Take time for yourself before you get into your submissive mood. Shut out the outside world and make your home your own BDSM heaven.

Question #2) "How do I approach my master with wanting to have more structure? We don't live together and his health problems affect his memory. We have tried reminder programs and such by none seem to help. I like the idea of having protocols in place that way it's easier on him and so I don't get upset when he forgets." 

Sit down and write out a list of rules, protocols and daily chores you would like to follow each day. Make it Digital and Written. Go over it with him and get his approval on everything. Add things he wants added or delete things he feels are not necessary. Once you have the list together, have it set up on his cell phone calendar as a daily reminder of each thing he should ask you about. Make sure that the reminder pops up everyday at the same time with a unique ring tone he can not ignore and will hear. Try to help him get in the routine of it somehow (by a txt or reminder email to be on the lookout for the message on the phone.) Hopefully once he gets used to seeing the reminder and checking up on you, it will become routine.

Question #3) "I am a young woman (26) in my first master/slave relationship. I met my master on the Internet about three months ago. He is very experienced, and he has had many slaves before. He knows what he’s doing, I can tell. We didn't actually meet before our first session, and we have only been discussing via text messages and email. I have never even looked him in the eyes. The experience has been quite overwhelming. I’m not really complaining, I love our sessions and in general everything is going really well. As I said, we never speak face to face, but we have been texting a lot. At first it was only about the sessions, but now I’m getting to know him better, because he opens up to me more and more. I can sense that he likes talking to me. He has told me he doesn't usually talk to his slaves like this.

But one thing really bothers me a lot. He often texts me during the day, telling all sorts of things about his day. He likes the fact that I care. But he doesn't seem to care about… me. As a person. He never asks how I am doing. He knows I’m a student, but he doesn't know what my major is. He hasn't asked a single question about my job, even though I often mention things like having a rough day at work. He doesn't seem to care at all! This makes me feel extremely sad and confused, and I don’t know if I have the right to feel like that. I know was always supposed to be his slave, he doesn't have the responsibility to get to know me better as a person. But I assumed I wouldn't get to know him either. But he confides in me more and more, and it seems I’m the one he contacts when he needs to talk to someone about anything. He doesn't talk to me as my master, but more like a friend or lover. How can it be that he wants to keep in touch every day, but doesn't care at all about how I am doing? If this was any other relationship, I would end it. But he is still my master when we meet, and our sessions are wonderful.

Would you have any advice to give me? I cannot talk to him about it, because if he really likes me more than he thought he would, I don’t want to ruin it. I’m just so confused, I didn't expect this at all. It confuses me that he doesn't stay in his master role all the time. I wouldn't mind having a more personal relationship with him, but at this point it’s just all about him. He doesn't know anything about me and doesn't even want to know, and it really hurts."

I actually consulted my Padrone (Master) on this question He thinks that your Master may be a little bit of a Narcissist. That is someone who gains gratification from vanity or egotistic admiration of their own attributes. He enjoys sharing things about himself to make himself feel good but doesn't even attempt to learn more about or take care of you emotionally. To me, he is not a true Master or Dominant, but someone that is in the relationship for the kinky sex. From what you wrote, he satisfies you sexually but not in any other way.

My Padrone's advice to you: If you can continue with the relationship as it is without hurting yourself more, then do so. But, if you are continuously being hurt by this relationship, you need to think about ending it before it hurts you more.

You now have to think about yourself, your own emotions and well being and your future. I urge you to have a deep think about what you want for yourself and your future and your partner in the future. You are not getting what you need emotionally and that is taking a toll on you. After getting a clear picture of what you want for the future, talk to your Master and tell him how you feel. You have to take the initiative on this. If he doesn't see your side of things or refuses to change, that's when you have to decide how you want to proceed. Can you live with such a one-sided relationship? Or are you doing yourself more harm by continuing with how things are? Yes you are submissive but that doesn't mean you have to stay in a relationship that is bad for you.

If you have any comments or additional advice for the questions above, please leave them below! If you have questions yourself that you want advice on, please email us at bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com.