Welcome to Talk Tuesday! This week we discuss "D/s boundaries", "Lifestyle Disclosure to family and friends", and "Religion and BDSM". Don't forget to leave your thoughts and comments below.
There are many types of BDSM (Dominant/submissive) relationships. Every one is different and the dynamics vary from couple to couple. Even though you are new, you have to understand that everything in the Lifestyle has to be consensual or it is abuse. Being new, I strongly urge you to read as much about submissives and the basics of BDSM so that you can have a better understanding how these relationships work in general. Before agreeing to anything, sit down with your dominant and talk about boundaries, rules, and limits. You and he should both agree on when and where your D/s relationship takes place, whether it's in the bedroom only or it evolves into a 24/7 situation. As for my Padrone (Master) and I, we definitely have a much stronger connection I think than most vanilla couples because of our M/s (Master/slave) dynamic. While we are a 24/7 M/s couple and observe these boundaries, we don't follow a strict protocol. We absolutely have a loving relationship and deep connection in and out of the bedroom. So, to answer your question, yes, you can still have that close connection and practice a BDSM lifestlye. However, you have to remember it all depends on what you and your partner agree to and also how close you two actually are and the type of relationship you and your partner feel from within.
Since you are new, I highly recommend you read the following sites to help you understand the BDSM Lifestyle further:
To understand what Limits are in the Lifestyle, you can download a copy of my free BDSM Limits Worksheet here:
This is a question many people struggle with. To tell or not to tell. That is the question! I have a couple of different thought paths for this. If you know your family is very religious and not open, then why tell them anything? If you are not in situations that really go outside the vanilla world when your family and friends are around, it is much easier to not bring it up. If you are in a relationship in which you and your partner are seen together by family and they notice that your dynamic is a little different than theirs, you can use different ways to explain it. Instead of trying to explain BDSM, you can tell them that your relationship is like that of a 1950s couple in which the man is the head of the house and the woman follows what he says. If they don't like that, then tell them it's your choice and they don't have to live with it.
If you want to explain the BDSM lifestyle that you live, you have to first think of how much you want to tell them. Do you want to explain the symbolism of a collar? Do you want to explain the whips and chains? I would suggest something almost vanilla. Without putting too much emphasis on the terms Dominant/submissive/Master/slave, explain that your relationship revolves around a mutual fulfillment of needs, complete trust, and respect. That your partner likes to take charge of (insert whatever parts of your life he is in charge) and that you like to follow his directions. Ensure your family that you are not brainwashed, nor are you coerced into this type of relationship. Explain to them the good feelings you get from a relationship such as this (protection, acceptance, love, gratification, freedom, etc). But most of all, show them and tell them how happy living this type of lifestyle makes you feel. I would suggest not referring to 50 Shades of Grey and also leaving out all references to sex and bondage. Those to me are very private and are none of your family's business.
Question #3) "What are your thoughts about being religious while practicing BDSM?"
Religion and BDSM both can be very controversial topics to talk about. When you put them together, it can get downright explosive. They are both a person's individual choice and belief. I think that each person that practices one or both has to come to terms themselves on how they deal with each subject. From what I have read over the years in many different religions, there is nothing that the practice of BDSM. I think you can believe in whatever religion and practice a BDSM lifestyle as long as you don't have conflicts within yourself of the two. What happens if you do come into internal conflict due to some practice of BDSM or because of the way you interpreted a passage in your religious book? This would be where you as a thinking adult with your own belief system has to sit down and figure out what you think is right. I suggest not allowing outside influences sway you to one side or the other when trying to resolve such conflicts. Basically, if you seek the advice of a religious leader or of another peer in the BDSM Lifestyle, think about what they say, but do not blindly follow their lead. If you do, you might not come up with the result that is best for you and your own beliefs.
I hope you enjoyed this week's questions and answers. If you have any additional thoughts or comments, please leave them below and keep the discussion going!
If you have any questions you would like my advice on, please send them to bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com.
I loved and agree with all your answers to these tough questions. I also took your advice and went on my first two outing with a local group. The first didn't turn out quite as well as I had hoped for seeing as it was at an outdoor Ren Fair Festival and the leader of the group upon first meeting me insulted me in front of the group. I almost turned tail and ran, but decided to enjoy the festival instead which I did. The girl from the group I had a free tick for warmed up to me and we stayed together and she called me back down and we had a good time. The second time we at a local sex toy shop which I have been meaning to go to anyway so I went to meet the group. I met a lot more of them and was surprised at the change in the leader of the group. He was actually friendly. I stayed long enough to meet the group and look around at what I wanted to see them bowed out of the munch they were planning to go to after. I still felt uncomfortable in his presence. I went shopping instead then back home. To me, it was a start foe someone as shy as myself. Thank you for all your advice and I will keep trying.
ReplyDeleteDawn