Still Here But Been Very Busy!

Hello all! I am still here and around but the renovations have been taking longer than expected. I should be back to posting next week! In the meantime, if you are new, please check out my old posts and if you are a continuous follower, look for new stuff soon! Thanks for staying and keep reading!

Michelle Fegatofi

A Brief Reality Check of BDSM and Submission

The following is an excerpt from my upcoming book dedicated solely for Submissives:

1. You do have rights. You have the right to walk away at any time for any reason. 
2. No one can keep up a 24/7 high protocol lifestyle for long without a break for of kids, family, work and other life events. 
3. No man has an erection continuously. Unless they're priapic, in which case, a doctor's visit is in order.
4. There is such a thing as PMS, and no amount of Dominance will make it go away.
5. Your cyber safeword is the off button on the front of your computer. Use it.
6. There are going to be times when you don't feel like having sex. It does and will happen. Prepare yourself mentally for it because it is just a part of life and does not mean you are a bad submissive.
7. Living a 24/7 Lifestyle is not a myth. Living 24/7 in chains, naked and kneeling is.
8. There will come a time when you see your Dominant scratching himself, belching and in need of a shower. They are only human.
9. No one understands your collar and its true meaning but you. Being proud to wear it everywhere is different than showing it off at the local market.
10. Eventually, you're going to have to take off the slave cuffs to go to some real life appointment. Get used to it.
11. People get sick. People die. Use a condom, please, unless you've been tested twice in the last year, and so has your partner.
12. Don't walk away from your friends. You might well need them later, if your dream Dominant turns into a frog.
13. If you want something, ask. Ask respectfully, ask in role, and ask in good faith. But ask. If you don't, chances are, you not going get it.
14. Just because you call yourself a slave, doesn't mean that others will agree with your definition. Be prepared to defend your views, but don't growl at others for their opinions. They have a right to them, same as you do.
15. Just because the screen name says Master doesn't mean he is one.
16. There are things you won't do in Real Life that you role played with online. 
17. BDSM is not always about sex. 
18. People are not always nice. You will not play at every party you attend. If you are not careful and always aware of your surrounds, you may get hurt in a non-consensual way.
19. Your Dominant is not a mind reader. You need to always be open and honest with your feelings.
20. Your Mistress is not always dressed in thigh highs and hose. A Master does not always have his flogger nearby. Sometimes, it's time for sweat pants and hot cocoa.
21. An argument is not the end of the world. Not resolving it, however, might be.
22. Sometimes, a fuck is just a fuck. A beating is just a beating. And a kiss is just a kiss. Enjoy it, remember it, and move along. 

When Your BDSM Partner Can Not Let Go of The Past

I was asked advice from a reader about her Dominant not being able to let go of the past.
She said that he is still friends with, or follows, his old cyber submissives and it makes her feel as though he can not cut ties with the past completely and move forward. She has talked to him and told him how this makes her feel, and he said that she is just jealous and they mean nothing. He said he is completely committed to her and their relationship, and that others do not matter. But, the question she asked him, and that he did not answer, was why he continues, even now, when he is happy with her, to follow or be friends with them?

She went on to say that she thinks that he misses the interactions he had with them and all the attention, that maybe they gave him something or made him feel something, that she didn't. She knew he loved her, but was he craving something from one of the old subs? His answer was always No.

This was my answer. We have to remember our pasts because we can't change them. They shaped us into who we are today. We made mistakes and got stepped on and hurt, but also probably had regrets of our own. We may sometimes look back and wish we had not done some things or that we could go back and take a different path from the one we chose to walk. But we can not. So, we learn to live and let go and move on.

Some people do this by cutting ties completely with people, others feel that there is still some connection or something of interest so they may keep contact with that person, but in a different context that what had it had been before.

Other people have trouble putting some people from their past behind them, no matter how it makes their loved one feel. They seem to need to know what is going on with that person's life, because there was something left undone or unsaid, like an unfinished letter. They never got what I term as 'complete closure', with the past relationship. They may still feel something for that person and just not tell anyone else that little fact.

Whatever the reason, it is their decision and you have to come to terms with it. If your partner (sub or dom) is not hiding the fact they are still in some kind of contact with old partners, then you should not worry. It is when they lie by omission or just outright don't tell you that they still look into that ex partner's current business, via whatever social media they follow them on, that you should worry.

When two people unite and decide to start making a life together, that is when you should start your count. The past should stay in the past and never hold anything they did before you, against them. Yes, sometimes our pasts do come back to haunt us, but if that happens, you pull together and face it. Never be accusatory or go behind your partners back to check up on them.

You should have an open and honest communication and trust one another deeply enough that you know everything that is going on in his/her life. If your partner can't give you a straight answer, or you feel worse with the answer you got, talk it out. Rely on honesty and communication, without getting jealous and petty, to guide you through the conversation.

Take a step back and tell don't obsess over it. Tell yourself and teach yourself that, as long as you have your partner's care, love and heart, then there is nothing to worry about.

We as humans are always jealous of anything that might interfere or alter, in any way, the ones that we hold most dear and sacred. Paranoia and obsession with something you can't change will just make the entire situation worse.

So, my best advice, is let it go. If you find him changing, conflicting answers or stories, or something that just does not sound right, then call him on it outright and ask in a respectful way. When you hear the truth, you will know and feel it.

It also might be a case of curiosity. What I mean by that is that him keeping an eye on old subs or ex's might be to see how they have changed or to see if their 'true' personality comes out and how different they are now.

Final advice, let the past go and keep the past in the past, especially old relationships that may not make your partner happy. Second, never borrow trouble by making too big of a deal out of old flames being on a follow or friend list. Third, as long as the honesty and communication continue, the trust should still be there and the your relationship should be able to continue forward on a solid course.

When a Dominant Breaks Your Trust

I recently received an email from a reader asking for advice with her Dominant.

They had been a vanilla couple for a while and both decided they wanted to take it into a deeper relationship, so started to explore the world of BDSM and D/s. After much research and reading up on the lifestyle, he took the dominant role and she the submissive role. They made a contract from the beginning of their D/s relationship and started living it in a 24/7 lifestyle. In the contract, one thing they both agreed to was that they wouldn't visit dating sites or porn sites, nor would sex texting with anyone else. The submissive repeatedly found out that the Dominant was breaking this one rule. He treated her well in every other way and never broke any other rules of the contract, except that one. He could not stay off the porn sites. She said she lost trust in him and asked me how she could trust him after he kept lying to her. My advice to her, as well as more information on this subject follows.

Trust, is an integral part of a BDSM relationship. Without it, there can not be a relationship.
Both participants must be able to trust the other with their thoughts and feelings. WIth their vulnerabilities and strengths. Open and honest communication is a way of building trust, and is required in a BDSM relationship. This level of trust takes time to grow, it does not happen overnight. Trust will grow with consistent actions from both people and a good working level of communication. In this way, the people show that they will do what they say they will do. Unfortunately, in a relationship such as BDSM, trust can easily be broken if all parties are not open, honest, and communicate everything they think, feel and need.

I advised the reader that she should step back and take a look at the problem from a different view point. If her dominant was not being truthful about looking at the porn sites, it probably was because he felt she was not open minded or was too jealous of other women. I told her that she should sit down with him and have a very honest conversation about her feelings, but also listen to his point of view and the reasons why he liked to look at the pictures with an open mind. I asked her if he was cheating on her with other women (virtual sex, text messages, etc...) and she said no. The only thing he was doing was browsing pictures of naked women on the internet.

I told her to reconsider her stance on that rule. I saw no harm in him looking at naked women if he was not actually having cyber sex or other contact with women behind her back. In the world of BDSM, there are always going to be nude people or almost nude people, around. If she could be more open minded and accept the fact that her Dominant liked looking at pictures naked women, but was only having sex with her, then he would not feel the need to hide that part of himself. Having an outside person looking at the situation helped her understand that, the actual act of looking at pictures were harmless. In fact, some of the pictures might even give him ideas to try on her.

 

How can a submissive regain trust after we are lied to by the very one we have put all of our trust in? It is a slow process but it is possible. The first thing that is KEY is communication. You have to communicate with your Dominant and they have to do the same with you. It is a 2 way street, not just a one way avenue.

Second, no matter what the situation, everyone in the relationship has to be completely honest and open with the other. Sure, there are rules for the submissive that you will follow, but the Dominants have also usually agreed to some sort of even minimal guidelines. Those have to be followed or trust can be broken.

Third, remember that we are all humans and that relationships are fluid. Sure, you will know exactly the things that you will absolutely not do and can not tolerate (cheating for example) but you have to know that during a relationship, with time, people grow and change. You both should sit down once or twice a year and review the rules and guidelines that govern your relationship as a whole to make sure that no changes or additions are needed. If they are, make them together once everyone is in agreement.

Above all remember that Trust is a fragile thing. It takes time and honesty to build the kind of trust that is a corner stone to a solid, long lasting relationship. It can take only one small lie to break it.

Send Us A Poem or Story of Devotion or Love for Your Partner!

With Valentine's Day coming up in 8 days, we want to invite you to write a romantic/devotional/love poem or short paragraph about your partner (Master, Mistress, Sir, Ma'am, sub, slave, etc..) and send them in to us and we will post them here and on our main blog here, as well as our other ones on fb and Tumblr, on February 14th. We encourage you also to send a picture if you would like.

This can be a unique way to show the world your love and devotion to your partner.

Being a 1950s Style Housewife in 2013

I don’t pretend to know everything about the life of a 1950′s housewife. I wasn’t born until 1973, so how could I? I do know that the housewives of that era somehow have gotten a terribly bad rep over the decades.

I saw a movie years ago called The Stepford Wives, which I’ve been told is a remake from 1975, but I haven’t seen the original. The premise of the movie is that men have control of their wives by microchip and they even come with a remote control! The main character was an executive but is recovering from a nervous breakdown and she’s the one who finds out the truth about the women. The twist is, at the end of the movie, that the wife of the main “husband in charge” is NOT controlled, but rather it is her husband who is a robot! She wanted to recreate the 1950′s housewives because she thought it was the way women were meant to be as wives.

Want to know the truth? I couldn’t agree more!! Not the actual remote control part, mind you, but that a woman should be submissive to their partners/husbands like they did back then.

That’s probably a dangerous thing to say in 2013, though, because of the way most people (especially women) look at women’s “rights”. Feminists (non BDSMers) despise women being submissive. They see it as major steps backwards in all of the ground that their female predecessors made.

I see both sides and it is my opinion that a female should be able to choose how she lives her life without being maligned by other women. If a woman wants to work and be on equal footing with her partner, or have that partner even be the submissive one, then I don't see anything wrong with that. I, however, chose a different path.

I have been on both sides. I was in a high corporate position for many years before I quit and became a housewife. That was in 2004. I have to say that I was not happy with being a housewife for the longest. It was very hard transitioning from working 60+ hours a week to being a stay at home mom/wife. I do look back now and cherish every second that I was with my children. I was there for all the firsts and was able to shape their personalities in a much different way than had I still been working.

Another factor you have to take into account is the relationship. I was not in a good relationship then. But, for the past 1 1/2 years, I have been a 24/7 slave aka Domestic Goddess aka 1950s style housewife and I absolutely adore it. I do work on the internet but it is from the house. I do all the housework, cooking, cleaning, and taking care of every need my Padrone (Master) has.

Webster’s Dictionary defines to submit in this way: To give over or yield to the power or authority of another. Did you catch the word yield in there? A woman who is submissive to her partner/husband is yielding to him, not being controlled by him! Submitting is not the same as being a subordinate, which is defined as: Belonging to a lower order or rank; subject to or under the authority of a superior.

My Padrone doesn’t order me around like a military commander. He doesn’t demand anything from me because I already give him everything willingly. He adores and cherishes me. He treats me really well and he always puts me first (which does not equal getting everything I want, by the way). So, when he gives his view or opinion on a decision he has made for our lives, I don’t have to struggle, because I know he has our family’s best interest in mind. I never question his decisions. We talk about things – sure – but his word is the ultimate decision. When he asks me to do something, whether it’s to massage his feet, or that I bake his favorite cookies, I want to do it. I want to please him! It makes me happy on a level that I can not explain to do anything for him, especially if it is something he has asked of me.

Our relationship is based on the BDSM principle of Master/slave, but it's a much softer kind of dynamic than that of which is portrayed in main stream BDSM. He always comes first, no matter what I am doing. His wishes take precedence over everyone and everything, including my own. We do have what I would call a much stricter version of a 1950s style household, as he has rules and guidelines in place guiding every part of my life (where I can go alone, how far I can go, what I can wear, when I am supposed to check in, etc). But, even though it is always a 24/7 M/s dynamic, it also resembles much of a 1950s style home.

I want to share a magazine article from the 1950′s geared toward being a better housewife:

There are only a few things on here that are just silly – most are dead on!! The last one, “A good wife always knows her place”, has been made to seem like that place is a place of subordination, but it’s not. Yeah, I know my place. It’s as a well-treated, well cared for, loved and cherished submissive, whose Padrone is head of the house.

I think that back then, women enjoyed being women and doing womanly things more than they did today. They embraced their softer sides and rejoiced in being submissive to their Man. 

BDSM Submissive Journaling - To Write or Not To Write

Many Dominants ask their submissives to write a journal describing their feelings, their growth and their wants and needs, along with their frustrations concerning their submission.
I myself, don't keep a journal because whenever I have any feelings, good, bad, or ugly, I talk to my Padrone about them. I have seen many subs do keep journals, so decided to do a post about it, mainly for newbies, explaining why. Hope this helps you decide if you will keep one or not.

While talking face to face may be the best way to communicate, sometimes this just isn’t possible. A submissive can be a novice, shy, embarrassed, or intimidated. With the age of the internet, distance can also be a roadblock in good communication. Dominants have to use tools to help the submissive communicate and grow.

As well as a tool for gaining insight, submissive journals can help teach you to open up and bring you both closer. By having to expose your thoughts and feelings to your Dominant - and having to trust Him with those thoughts and feelings - it can be a very powerful way of strengthening your connection. A journal should not replace the open communication between submissive and dominant. It should be used as a tool to build trust and skills in voicing the feelings a submissive has written about.

                                           

Why would you choose to journal? As a submissive you can write everything you feel and do it without being afraid of reprisal. It is an avenue that allows you to just say whatever you want, even mundane things. It can help you organize your own thoughts into a more comprehensive way or give you that different perspective on some situation that you need. If you are too deep into a situation, you usually think with emotions instead of logic. So, perhaps you will use your journal to analyze that particular situation more.

You can use it as a history lesson of sorts; while you journal your thoughts, experiences, and changing attitudes towards certain things. You might write about new likes or write about things you found you don't like as much as you thought you would, once you tried it.

Remember that your journal is always open for your Dominant/Master to read. don't censor what you write in it because of this fact. Think of it as a better and easier way for your Dominant to get inside your head and understand you better as a person and submissive.

If you are the Dominant, make sure that you do not let anything your submissive writes in the journal anger you. If you see that your sub called you bad names in it, you just have to ask them why so you can help your sub get on the same page and path as you are and understand better whatever situation made them so angry.

So, to write or not to write? It is a personal choice and totally up to the individual. I write many blog posts on things I come across in my daily life so I guess, in a way, this blog is like a journal and learning tool for others as well.

Truly Bound

The only thing that can truly bind
a submissive heart tight,
Is the guiding hand of a Dominant
from the darkness into the light.

It's not ropes or chains that truly bind,
It's the honor of service from deep within.
It's not a collar or title that make me stay,
It's the need I have, to serve Him.

To be a sub or a slave is an internal call,
If you don't feel that need, you will surely fall.
Bound flesh, can be forced to do their will
But your mind can never be forced to kneel.

You see, true submission is in your heart,
It is something you feel from the start.
A need to serve, to please and to bend,
Never wanting the feeling of submitting to end.

You soul is caught and you don't even fight,
Because being bound like this, you know is right.