Feeling Like a Submissive Failure

In January, we all try to make plans and goals for the year.

We make lists of sometimes unreachable accomplishments. As the year progresses, the days, weeks and months steadily roll by. Life intervenes. It interrupts our perfectly planned list that we made back in January. All of a sudden, we look up and realize it's September! Where the heck did the year go? Were we sleeping through a large portion of it? You realize that most of the goals you set out to accomplish at the beginning of the year will never be completed. You feel like a failure.

That scenario above is basically what happened to me. In January, I was all gung-ho about cooking new and exciting recipes, posting daily on the many different social media sites I have, and writing blog posts at least once a week. I was working on a new book, answering fan questions, and interacting with a lot different people online. I cleaned house, took daily walks with my dog, did the shopping, and took care of my Padrone. I went to work with Padrone at least 4 nights a week to keep him company and worked from the hotel. 

As the months passed, I started slowing down. My focus started shifting from all the work that I was doing to concentrating more on smaller tasks. I started reducing the amount of new recipes I cooked. I wasn't interacting as much online with my fans and friends. Around May, the number of social sites I posted on regularly reduced drastically in number because I simply did not have the drive to keep up with them. I was only being inspired to write about twice a month on my blog and had completely stopped working on the new book. 

What had changed? I was still a slave, still lived BDSM 24/7 and still loved the lifestyle. My passion for the Lifestyle had not waned, just the drive that had made it almost my sole focus for 2 years. I was tired. I wanted to focus or concentrate on more diverse things, not just the driving force inside myself that always pushed me to work almost 16 hour days just to keep up with all the sites that I had built up on the internet. I didn't understand myself why I had changed. I felt like I was failing not only myself, but my fans and friends both. As a real life submissive slave, I felt like a huge failure. At times, I didn't feel worthy of the title 'submissive'. 

In June, I got a second wind. I found an automation tool that posted pictures automatically for me on many of my sites around the internet. All I had to do is find and schedule the pictures. I restarted interacting with friends and fans more and was getting back into my groove that had left me flailing mid year. We started thinking of getting a second Chihuahua as a companion for our other dog (fur baby) Harper. The world seemed a little brighter and I started feeling like I was more in sync with my inner self than I had been for months.

In July, we bought new furniture and decided to paint the house. Padrone works at night and sleeps during the day, so the only time I could paint was during the night when he was at work. I got half way through painting when the bed arrived. While moving the mattress up three flights of stairs, I messed up my back severely! I was out of commission for over a week and a half. I literally could not move at all for about three days. I started feeling down again and out of sync. I felt more guilty because of my inability to do anything. I was helpless and the house was a complete wreck.  

Padrone kept telling me that it was not my fault and that everything would be ok. He told me over and over again to not worry. He knew that if I stressed myself out too much that I would end up having a seizure, and with my back already messed up really bad, a seizure was the last thing I needed. I finally realized that it was not my fault that my back went out and that I was doing the best that I could.

Being so preoccupied in July with the renovations, my back problems and searching for a new dog, I was not focusing at all on any of my internet duties. I felt at times that I was even slipping in my real life submissive duties as well. This is where I have to explain a little about my Padrone's approach to Domination. He has a set of rules that I must always follow, but he does not give me daily tasks. He knows that I understand what is expected of me and that I will always go above and beyond his expectations when I can. He is very flexible and understanding when I'm not able, or don't want, to perform certain tasks (such as cooking, cleaning, working on the internet, etc.) because of health reasons. He knows that I am not lazy and will never not do something just because I don't feel like it. There is always a reason. Now, as I was saying, even though I could not physically do much of anything because of my back, I still felt like I was failing Him in my submissive duties.

Padrone made me understand after many conversations, and tears on my part, that I was still fulfilling my submissive duties. I was not a submissive failure. I was hurt and had to heal. My only task at that time was to rest and not push myself too hard until I was better and back on my feet. It was my duty to him to ensure that I was healthy and happy. In taking care of myself, not pushing myself, and being happy, I made him happy. And making him happy was, is, and always will be my main priority.

August comes around and everybody goes on vacation in Italy, including us. I finally finished redecorating the bedroom and was really focused on finding a companion for our other dog. I was still letting many sites slip by without posting much. I wasn't producing any new poems. I wasn't writing any new blog posts. I wasn't interacting with many people online again, and not answering fan mail often.

What was I doing? I was living life offline. But, I have a big online presence. Online activities was my job. I was responsible for keeping all of the content going. I was not focusing on my pages, blog or fans. I once again felt like I was not only letting all of my followers down, but my Padrone and myself. I was failing again! Padrone had to remind me once again that his number one rule for me was to do what I feel like doing and not push myself into doing something I don't want to. Again, he pulled me back from self flagellation and helped me get back on track.

On top of all this, I also deal with health issues on an almost daily basis. I have Epilepsy. It can manifest in many different ways, not just seizures, at any time. While it had been relatively quiet, other, very troubling symptoms cropped up and got worse as the year progressed. In the first days of September, I can say that I was poked, prodded, and tested more than I had been in years. If you suffer with a debilitating illness and are a sub/slave, you understand how much it can impact your life as well as your ability to do anything. While I have learned to not blame myself for my Epilepsy episodes, the new health problems were messing with my confidence again. Many times I felt unworthy and a failure. As always, Padrone made me see that's not true. 

Now we are in the middle of September and life slowly has gotten back to normal and back on track. In August, we acquired a 4 month old female Chihuahua companion for our six year old Chihuahua/Pincher mix. I have gotten a handle on scheduling posts for the main social media sites I post on and I am writing this blog post now. Slowly, but surely, I am learning to manage everything once again, learning that even though my focus may change from one week to another, and that my priorities will change, that I am not a failure as a submissive.

I may not do every task that I set for myself every single day for different reasons. Some days I won't cook. Other days I won't post online. Some days I will do it all. No matter how the day ends up, whether I am sick or feeling good, whether I do tons of work or nothing at all, as long as I keep my focus on being happy and keeping my Padrone as happy as possible, I have not failed as a submissive.

Now, why did I write such a long post? Why would you care about what's been going on in my personal life? What is the point? The point is simple. Each one of you have busy lives. Your own priorities will change from day to day and you will definitely drop some task that you think makes you a failure. You might be too tired some days to perform some task or duty that your Dominant has assigned you. Your kids or other family members will want your attention and keep you from completing an assignment. Life is dynamic. It is always changing. Just because you can't be Super Submissive every day does not mean you are a failure. Take life one day at a time and try your best. That is all that your Dominant asks of you, and that is all you should expect of yourself.

Dominants, it's very important that you always ensure that your submissives understand that they are not failures if they can't perform tasks or assignments due to health issues. I know there are dominants that think they should never be flexible and that every infraction, missed task, etc needs punishment. If you are this type of dom, I urge you to never get involved with a submissive that has any health issues. Stay with only perfectly healthy subs. Why? Because if you are that rigid and your sub gets sick, I guarantee the sub will have long lasting confidence issues after suffering punishments given due to being unable to perform because of the illness.

Above all, remember that BDSM, D/s, or M/s can be practiced in an infinite numbers of ways. Submission should always make you happy and be something freely given. If you are constantly feeling down, like a failure, remember that is not true. You do your best everyday and that's all anyone can ever ask.