BDSM & Aging - Can We Still Play?

Aging is a natural process that every human, no matter their lifestyle choice, goes through.
With age comes life experience, but also health issues, hormone changes, and most likely a decreased sex drive. Can you still practice a BDSM lifestyle as you grow older? That answer is yes. You just have to be imaginative and flexible.

As we age, our bodies naturally begin go slow down and change. The affects of aging are different for everyone, of course. If you had sex three times a day at 40, you might only have it once a day at 50 and once a week at 60. It all depends on your own body, health, hormones, and sex drive.

According to a study by the University of Chicago, more than three-quarters of American men and half of women aged 75 to 85 are still interested in sex. But culturally, we don’t see this. Dr. Queen has two theories. “There had been an underlying bias in our culture that sex really is, at bottom, for reproduction. That’s one of the things that continues to power homophobia too. After one is out of one’s reproductive years, the notion of sex becomes unseemly and even unacceptable to many. The other thing, I think, is that there is societal pressure on us to fear aging, and seeing evidence of older people’s sexuality brings up our difficult feelings about getting older, our own body image fears, fears of mortality.”

Aging is different in BDSM Relationships because our sexual play often includes implements which can, if incorrectly or badly used, injure one or both parties. As we age along with our partners in a BDSM Relationship, each of us may have to deal with a disability, or, as I prefer to call them, different abilities.

According to sexologist, Dr. Carol Queen, there are precautions that come with age. “Some sorts of BDSM are the erotic version of high-impact sports, a person of any age must take their health and body resilience into account” she explains “Some things to pay attention to with an older partner, is whether the skin is thinning and how their joints are doing. They’ll want to make sure they can communicate about health issues to partners.”

Hearing Loss

For some people, a crowded and noisy club, where quite often loud music and other kinky players make for difficult conversation anyway, make it very difficult to hear. This is the perfect place to practice non-verbal communication. Talk with her before the scene begins, to set up hand signals or other methods of letting you know that she wants to end the session, or that she needs to run to the bathroom. This will help you ensure you and your partner are on the same level and that there are less chances of something going wrong.

Eyesight Loss

You probably would rather not have a Dominant flicking a single tail whip if he can't see well, but there are other play techniques that can be just as exciting, and much safer! A suggestion is to set up the scene very carefully and to do only BDSM play that is more body-to-body contact, such as over the knee (OTK) spanking with his hand or an implement such as a paddle with a short, manageable handle. This precludes the danger of a whip or other implement striking an area that could cause the bottom (receiver) injury or damage. Aging in a BDSM Relationship can help you be creative about working out the 'kinks' - be creative with your partner.

Muscle and Joint Pain and Flexibility 

Strategically placed pillows are wonderful for achy knees. Changing position often helps keep muscles from freezing into painful, uncomfortable, rock-hard blobs. One of the most wonderful things about being with a partner for a long time, and knowing each other, is communication skills are often developed along the way. Tell your partner, "Uh, this is so not working for me!" and work together to find what does work. The truth is, many of us are happily aging in our BDSM relationships, with our aging partners, and as happily aging women or men, we have aches and pains, and, most of us can't bend in those low scraping bows, with even a modicum of grace anymore.

Bottom line, there are many ways you can still enjoy an active BDSM sexual lifestyle, you just need to make adjustments for your own health limits/situation.

As our collective lifespans continue to increase, that stretch between 65 and 80 is no longer the last phase of life. It’s a new section of life, one  that we've never had before.

Comments or Questions? Let me hear your thoughts!