The Differences in BDSM Relationships and Then Some...

Many people that are new to the Lifestyle, or outsiders looking in, think all of BDSM relationships are the same.

That there is One Dominant, One sub/slave; That the Dominant tells the sub what to do, the sub gets beat just for the heck of it, and that all subs are made to walk around on a collar and leash naked all the time on their hands and knees. While this might be true for some, it is not true for most! So, today's blog post is my attempt to describe some of the most common types of BDSM relationships out there, and I will be including a couple outside BDSM that are closely related.

If you have been reading this blog, you already know that BDSM covers a wide range and variety of relationships. There are sexual and non-sexual, service, training, age play, and more. I want to just touch on the most common forms that you will see in real life and cyber.

D/s - Dominant / submissive

This is the most basic and common form you will hear about and encounter in a BDSM relationship. This usually consists of a Dominant (Male or Female) and one or more submissives/slaves. The power exchange or D/s in this type of relationship is not normally practiced in a 24/7 way, meaning that there are large parts of a submissive's life that are not dictated by the Dominant and the sub is free to do, say, wear, act, etc. in any way that he/she wants. D/s is usually practiced in a scene related or training environment, or reserved for specific parts of a sub's life or specific hours. The couple can be partially vanilla at times, can be two or more strangers getting together for a scene, or can be a paid Dominant/Domme with a sub. Many times it will include a Dominant/Domme that trains certain submissives in certain forms of service for Dominants. There are many exceptions to my definition, but this is the most common form it will take.

M/s - Master(Mistress) / slave

This form of power exchange is a much deeper and stricter version of Dominance and submission. There is a Master/Mistress and either one or more submissives and/or slaves (read previous blog post on sub versus slave to understand the definitions more). Remember that just because it is M/s, does not automatically mean the sub is a slave. You will normally see this type of relationship in a committed couple or committed poly group, cyber or real life. The origins are based in real life 24/7 situations, where the sub/slave lives with her/his Master/Mistress. The Master/Mistress will have rules and guidelines that dictate how the sub/slave is to act, dress, interact with others, etc... in most parts of the sub/slave's life. This relationship always includes tasks and punishments as well. There are many people that are in online relationships that say they are in M/s vs D/s based relationships. The longer you are in the Lifestyle, you will learn that most real life BDSM'ers do not recognize online as a real form of M/s. I think it can be if both participants are open, honest with the other one.

S&M - Sadomasochism

In its purest form, this involves two people, one known as a Sadist that likes to inflict sexual pain, and a Masochist, one that likes to receive sexual pain. There are many people in and around BDSM that are purely Sadomasochists. They do not describe or see themselves as Dominants or submissives. They are in BDSM simply for the sexual gratification of whips, chains, clamps, bondage, wax play, etc. Now, D/s and M/s can certainly involve S&M, but does not necessarily mean it has to. There are many couples that like to have what is considered normal sex without ropes, chains, floggers or toys, but practice the D/s or M/s lifestyle.

Gorean Lifestyle-ers

The Gorean philosophy is a philosophy embraced in the science fiction novels by John Norman. A number of fans of Norman's work have attempted to live their lives according to this philosophy. The Gorean identity is founded on home, job, and social order. The Three Pillars of Gorean society is described as Home Stone, Caste System, and Order of Nature. Many who study and follow the Gorean morality do not own slaves. Slavery is not required to be Gorean.

Unlike many other forms of consensual slavery, in a Gorean M/s relationship, there are no contracts, no negotiating, no lists of limits, and no convenient "outs" for the slave.

A Gorean slave is at the complete mercy of her (or his) owner in all things, from what, if any, food, sleep, clothing or shelter the slave will be allowed, when and if s/he will be allowed to work or go to school, have children, have contact with friends or family, to what religion, if any, they may practice and whether they will have toilet privileges.

Another major difference between Gorean slaves and most other types of slaves is that Gorean slaves are customarily expected to be obedient, deferential and pleasing to ALL free persons, not just the one who owns them.

Taken-in-Hand Relationships

A Taken In Hand relationship is a fully-committed wholehearted sexually-exclusive marriage in which the husband is firmly and actively in charge and he puts his wife and their relationship first. 

It is a consciously and consensually male controlled, sexually exclusive, relationship in which the man’s power is real and for the purpose of cultivating a deeply connected, fully engaged relationship. How the man expresses his dominance is an individual matter, but it’s for the benefit of the relationship rather than being purely self-serving. The man protects and cherishes the woman he leads. The woman responds positively to her man’s control.

The wives in Taken In Hand relationships tend not to claim to be submissive (though their husbands may well consider them to be so) and strongly prefer not to be the one in charge in their relationship. They do respect, honor, obey and appreciate their husbands and strive to please them.

The husbands in Taken In Hand relationships tend not to claim to be dominant but prefer to be the one wearing the pants in their marriage. They do enjoy dominating and submitting their wife when necessary to maintain their position.

Now, remember, just because I have given you what I define as the most common types of relationships, does not mean that there isn't cross over, combinations, and exceptions to every one I have named. There are also more that I have not mentioned because there are just too many. I hope this helps you in your quest and furthers your own path on the journey.