--> February 2015 | BDSM Unveiled

Body image is the mental representation that we create of what we think we look like; it may or may not bear a close relation to how others actually see us. Body image issues are often treated as if they were only a problem for women. When you think about Body Image Issues, what picture forms in your head? For most, it is that of a girl or young adult that is either very overweight or one that is anorexic. But men suffer from many of the same debilitating problems caused by warped perceptions of their bodies.

Body Image Issues in Men - BDSM Unveiled BDSM Relationships

It’s estimated that about 45 per cent of Western men are unhappy with their bodies to some degree, compared with only 15 per cent some 25 years ago. Research suggests that homosexual men, models, dancers and athletes may be particularly vulnerable to poor body image or feeling insecure about their bodies. This is because they are more likely to be in situations where they may be judged (or believe they will be judged) according to their appearance. Some of you ladies reading this may sneer and roll your eyes thinking "Welcome to my life!" Yes, women have had to deal with this sort of scrutiny for much of their lives, but we shouldn't be under the assumption that men don't know the feeling. Truth be told, we are all victims of the media. No one is safe.

Males suffer body image problems - bdsm relationships

We are told to conform to impossible beauty standards, to fit a certain body shape and that if we don't look a certain way, we aren't beautiful. We have diet trends and fads thrust upon us to try and encourage us to get that "perfect" figure that everybody seems to want and we are picked apart by the media and told to rebuild ourselves in their perfect ideal. Males are shown images of young men sporting muscles and a perfect ‘six pack’ stomach. They are also given the 'perfection' blueprint in media directed to them. They are told they should be strong, muscular, and show no emotion. They are told constantly to "Man Up" and to "Be a Man."

Media's Idea of the Perfect Male Body - BDSM Relationships

I'm often left to wonder -- why don't men ever talk about body image issues? Would they be deemed sensitive or weak if they discussed the dissatisfaction of our appearance? Would they not be looked at as protectors and/or leaders if they honestly admitted that they have physical insecurities? Has pop culture demoralized morality and influenced masculinity to the point that men have disassociated themselves with the authenticity of vulnerability? Body image issues have never been an easy topic to discuss. Proudly, women have started fighting back against antagonistic criticism, while men have yet to admit that an issue actually exists. The problem is that there are way too many men suffering in silence.

Men Suffer in Silence - bdsm relationships

Men often combat their dilemma with body image by becoming exercise dependent, which can lead to overtraining and increased injury. Some will indulge in steroid use or entertain ambiguous fad diets for quicker (short-term) results. Others become immersed in their sorrows, seeking refuge from public events and social gatherings. Both are behavioral pitfalls that I've seen a number of times. We should understand those men who do suffer from body image issues and eating disorders; we shouldn't be scolding them because we've had to experience this cruelty for longer. As a whole, we all need to understand the damages the media can cause. If we can do that, we will be well on our way to a more body positive society for all.

Males - Media versus Reality - bdsm relationships

Undue pressure is put on men by women, their friends, other men and their parents, especially their fathers. "Be a Man" is something that is easily said, but carries a lot of weight. Slamming a man with this phrase is telling him that he has to bury his emotions and his feelings, to take life on the chin and to never show weakness. If he cries, he is weak; if he is kind, he's a wimp. This simple phrase has the ability to be crippling. Telling the young man this will give him extreme feelings of inadequacy. It insinuates that he's not man enough, he's not strong enough.
Diverse Male Body Types - bdsm relationships

It doesn't matter what body type you fall under -- skinny, thick, tall or short, at some point I'm sure you have been self-absorbed with your body image. Stop being afraid to address it! Stop living in misery! Change what you can control and embrace what you cannot change. Whatever your gender, we are not safe from low self-esteem and poor body image caused by much of our society and our media.

If you suffer with health problems caused by any type of eating disorder, I strongly encourage you to seek professional help.

Men Love Yourself As You Are - bdsm relationships

Coming soon in the series: How Body Image affects Males in BDSM.

Post title: " Body Image Series: Men Suffering in Silence "
by: Michelle Fegatofi signature Red line

This week's Talk Tuesday topics are once again very diverse subjects. I think many of you will learn new things because I have not written about these topics before. This week's topics cover "Collaring", "Submissive having more Career Success than the Dominant", and "Dominants dealing with Chronically ill Subs".

BDSM Unveiled Talk Tuesday - BDSM Relationships

Question #1) "I have a vanilla relationship. We discussed about bdsm a few years ago and figured out that this is nothing for us. But for me I ask myself sometimes, why am I so sick and have such feelings. I told nothing to my wife and fight against my feelings, tried to life my unfilled vanilla Life. I can't tell her about other women, especially to go to women and pay for them.

So far so good, that's my situation. Ok, one time I decided to pay for women instead of starting a new relationship for finding my inclinations. And then I met Lady V! She opens mind. She will come in two weeks back in town and I will meet her again. I think I have to talk to her very much about the first Time with her, my feelings and which way we will continue. And here is my most important question: How can I tell Lady V that I want to become her slave and that I want to find out more about feelings?"

BDSM Collarings - BDSM Relationships

The first point I have to make is that you are not having 'sick feelings' just because you enjoy being a submissive male to a female dominant. It's just a part of who you are. Never be sorry or feel ashamed of that. Now, as far as your vanilla wife, you have to determine yourself how much it will hurt her if your relationship with Lady V is discovered. I would honestly consider all ramifications if she ever found out before entering into a secret relationship. As far as becoming Lady V's submissive/slave, you would first need to make a formal request to her and ask if she would put you under consideration for the privilege of becoming her sub or slave in the future. Then the conversation will go from there between the two of you.

I suggest you read the following article to find out about Collaring:

Question #2) "My submissive is more successful than I am in her work career. She makes much more money and is in a very high profile position. When it comes to our relationship, I am completely in control and she is very submissive to me. Even so, I sometimes feel that she doesn't need me and am slightly jealous of her career success. How do I balance being her Dominant while curbing my jealousy about her career success?"

Submissive more successful than Dominant - BDSM Relationships

That is not an easy situation to be in. You have to remember that you both have the option to walk away at anytime and you both choose to stay in the relationship. If she cared about your wealth or career success, she would not have chosen to continue to stay with you as her Dominant. You obviously provide something that she can only find when she submits to you. I suggest you focus on your relationship and being the best dominant you can to her and not worry about career and money situations outside of that. If you are not happy in your own career choices, why not think about changing jobs or going back to school to gain the skills you need to apply for a higher paying job?

Question #3) "Have any of you had a huge fight with your Sir or Ma'am and just cant shake it?? Even after apologies were said? I have on going health problems, one being chronic pain. Sometimes, i have major anxiety attacks. Right now i'm in the grieving process i'm in anger. My Mistress said today ' I just don't know how to deal with you anymore'" 

Can't get over a fight - BDSM Relationships

I have two trains of thoughts on this. First, is that your Mistress may not have meant that and was just frustrated at the time because of you having multiple ongoing health problems. It is really tough for some people to deal with and they do the best they can, but can never really understand what we go through (I deal with a rare form of Epilepsy so understand your situation somewhat). If you think this is the case, then you need to talk to her and tell her about your frustrations and how her words hurt. You might also make suggestions to her if there are things she can do when you are feeling bad to help you feel better.

My second thoughts are that she may not be a person that can handle someone with a chronic illness. Not all people can and you should not blame them if they can not. But, if that is the case, I strongly suggest you ask for release. If you continue down this path, you both will just become more and more frustrated over time and the end results are never good for either party. If you haven't sought help for your anxiety problems, I encourage you to try to find professional psychological help. Never be ashamed to ask for help in any situation.

BDSM Unveiled Talk Tuesday

I hope you enjoyed this week's Talk Tuesday topics and you learned something new. If you have your own question you would like us to answer, please send an email to bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com.

Post title: " BDSM Unveiled Talk Tuesday for 24 February 2015 "
by: Michelle Fegatofi signature Red line

Welcome to Talk Tuesday! This week we discuss "D/s boundaries", "Lifestyle Disclosure to family and friends", and "Religion and BDSM". Don't forget to leave your thoughts and comments below. 

BDSM Love - In & Outside of the Bedroom

Question #1) "Hey, new to all this. I'm the sub, female. I'm worried that the controlling in the bedroom won't just stay in the bedroom? Nervous about all this. Do you guys still have a loving relationship and closeness in the bedroom also? I'm just afraid there won't be any connection after I get further into this?"

There are many types of BDSM (Dominant/submissive) relationships. Every one is different and the dynamics vary from couple to couple. Even though you are new, you have to understand that everything in the Lifestyle has to be consensual or it is abuse. Being new, I strongly urge you to read as much about submissives and the basics of BDSM so that you can have a better understanding how these relationships work in general. Before agreeing to anything, sit down with your dominant and talk about boundaries, rules, and limits. You and he should both agree on when and where your D/s relationship takes place, whether it's in the bedroom only or it evolves into a 24/7 situation. As for my Padrone (Master) and I, we definitely have a much stronger connection I think than most vanilla couples because of our M/s (Master/slave) dynamic. While we are a 24/7 M/s couple and observe these boundaries, we don't follow a strict protocol. We absolutely have a loving relationship and deep connection in and out of the bedroom. So, to answer your question, yes, you can still have that close connection and practice a BDSM lifestlye. However, you have to remember it all depends on what you and your partner agree to and also how close you two actually are and the type of relationship you and your partner feel from within.    

BDSM knowledge BDSM education

Since you are new, I highly recommend you read the following sites to help you understand the BDSM Lifestyle further:

To understand what Limits are in the Lifestyle, you can download a copy of my free BDSM Limits Worksheet here:

Revealing your bdsm lifestyle

Question #2) "I am currently in a relationship with a man who is married. His wife knows about us. He is a masochist, he gets off on the pain, I enjoy it; she doesn't . She has given him permission to get it elsewhere. 'His friends knows about his lifestyle and knows about me. I come from a very religious family and my friends as well. Lol. I go to church as well. My problem is he has asked me " if I've told anyone about him", honestly no. It's not that I'm ashamed, I just know they would not approve. They do not know about my lifestyle. I was married for 7yrs, and it a D/s relationship. When I was getting divorced, they would say how controlling he was and how much I changed. Question : How do I start to tell my family about my lifestyle?"

This is a question many people struggle with. To tell or not to tell. That is the question! I have a couple of different thought paths for this. If you know your family is very religious and not open, then why tell them anything? If you are not in situations that really go outside the vanilla world when your family and friends are around, it is much easier to not bring it up. If you are in a relationship in which you and your partner are seen together by family and they notice that your dynamic is a little different than theirs, you can use different ways to explain it. Instead of trying to explain BDSM, you can tell them that your relationship is like that of a 1950s couple in which the man is the head of the house and the woman follows what he says. If they don't like that, then tell them it's your choice and they don't have to live with it. 

Family Meeting

If you want to explain the BDSM lifestyle that you live, you have to first think of how much you want to tell them. Do you want to explain the symbolism of a collar? Do you want to explain the whips and chains? I would suggest something almost vanilla. Without putting too much emphasis on the terms Dominant/submissive/Master/slave, explain that your relationship revolves around a mutual fulfillment of needs, complete trust, and respect. That your partner likes to take charge of (insert whatever parts of your life he is in charge) and that you like to follow his directions. Ensure your family that you are not brainwashed, nor are you coerced into this type of relationship. Explain to them the good feelings you get from a relationship such as this (protection, acceptance, love, gratification, freedom, etc). But most of all, show them and tell them how happy living this type of lifestyle makes you feel. I would suggest not referring to 50 Shades of Grey and also leaving out all references to sex and bondage. Those to me are very private and are none of your family's business.   

BDSM and religion

Question #3) "What are your thoughts about being religious while practicing BDSM?" 

Religion and BDSM both can be very controversial topics to talk about. When you put them together, it can get downright explosive. They are both a person's individual choice and belief. I think that each person that practices one or both has to come to terms themselves on how they deal with each subject. From what I have read over the years in many different religions, there is nothing that the practice of BDSM. I think you can believe in whatever religion and practice a BDSM lifestyle as long as you don't have conflicts within yourself of the two. What happens if you do come into internal conflict due to some practice of BDSM or because of the way you interpreted a passage in your religious book? This would be where you as a thinking adult with your own belief system has to sit down and figure out what you think is right. I suggest not allowing outside influences sway you to one side or the other when trying to resolve such conflicts. Basically, if you seek the advice of a religious leader or of another peer in the BDSM Lifestyle, think about what they say, but do not blindly follow their lead. If you do, you might not come up with the result that is best for you and your own beliefs.

BDSM and religion

I hope you enjoyed this week's questions and answers. If you have any additional thoughts or comments, please leave them below and keep the discussion going! 

BDSM Unveiled Talk Tuesday for 17 February 2015

If you have any questions you would like my advice on, please send them to bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com.

Post title: " BDSM Unveiled Talk Tuesday for 17 February 2015 "
by: Michelle Fegatofi signature Red line

Tonight we have another great variety of questions. In this week's post, I cover 'Weight and Health versus Relationship', 'The Basics Every Dominant should Know', and 'Internet Speaking Protocol'.

BDSM Unveiled Talk Tuesday

Question #1) "I need to lose weight because of health reasons. My Dominant doesn't want me to lose weight because he likes his women BBW or SSBBW sized. He said he would leave me if I lose weight even for health reasons. I love him and don't want to lose him, but I also have to think about my health. What do I do?"

Relationships and Weight Loss

The #1 code for all true dominants is to ensure that their sub/slave is healthy, happy, and secure as best as they can. What you just told me goes against the very fabric of being a Dominant. You have to think of yourself first and your health. If you are injured, or something much worse because of your weight, then you can't perform as a sub and you are putting your very life at risk.
Think about your health and safety first and your relationship last. If you have family or close friends, lean on them for support and to help you get to the weight you should be at to be in a healthy category. Don't get caught up on the numbers or size, just focus on the health component of losing weight. Try to build your self-esteem as you go on this journey. If your dominant can't support and help you on this journey, then I really think you should consider getting out of that relationship. I know it's easy for me to say as it isn't me in the situation, but honestly, if he isn't willing to help you get and maintain a healthy lifestyle so you cut down or eliminate health risks you are facing due to the weight, then I'm thinking that the rest of your relationship isn't healthy either. 

Question #2) "What are some of the basics to being a Dominant that I should know? I am brand new to the Lifestyle."

Basics for Dominants

I asked my Padrone (Master) to answer this question as he is a true dominant. First, you have to be dominant naturally, if you are not, you can role play and learn to be a dominant, but you will never feel it inside if it isn't your true character. Second, you have to find a submissive that compliments your nature and not force a good match. Third, you should be protective and take care of your submissive in all ways, mental, physically, emotionally, and sexually. You have to be happy in your life and your relationship because if either the dominant or submissive is not happy, neither of you will be happy. You have to be honest and listen, willing to be flexible to a point, never hide or lie anything, show respect, and be trustworthy. The rules you give your submissive have to be reasonable and ones that she can follow without causing her harm in any way. All things must be consensual, because if they are not, it is abuse and not a BDSM relationship. Without all of these things in place, the relationship will most likely fail. 

Question #3) "I have seen many discussions on the correct protocol to use when speaking online to other people in the LS. I refuse to capitalize the first letter of he/she/you to differentiate between a Dominant and a sub. I think it's rather useless. What do you think is proper online protocol?"

BDSM Slash speaking

I personally don't think capitalizing the first letter in a pronoun shows respect. Padrone and I both think what shows respect is the way a person writes. Now, if Padrone made it a rule that I needed to use Y/y or He/he when I addressed people, then I would. So I won't say it is stupid or useless because if a dominant thinks it is respectful and makes it a rule for their sub, then I will not judge them for that. I think you and your dominant have to be the ones to make that call.

bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com

I hope today's topics have opened your eyes to new possibilities or have at least given you things to think about. If you have your own question or questions you would like us to answer, please send them to bdsmunveiled@gmail.com.

BDSM Talk Tuesday for 10 February 2015

Post title: " Talk Tuesday for 10 February 2015 "
by: Michelle Fegatofi signature Red line

This week's Talk Tuesday topics cover "Dealing with Emotions as a Domme", "Dominant changes back to Vanilla", and "Dealing with Health Issues". I hope you find the questions interesting and informative.

BDSM Unveiled Talk Tuesday

Question #1) "How do I take the emotion out. The first time when he cried I shed a few tears. I didn't let him know. I've not been at the level of dominance before. But I am loving it."

FemDom and Emotions

Since I am a submissive slave, I asked a very good friend of mine who is an experienced Domme to answer. Lady Hecate from www.thelairofladyhecate.com. 'Who says you need to take the emotion out? One of our greatest set backs is our minds telling us the way things ought to be. I call nonsense on that. You are clearly a wonderful Domme as you are. If you are unaffected by the emotion of the situation, it would take away from the experience both for you and your submissive. Allow yourself to be caught up in the moment and swept away. You do not need to be a robot to be an effective Domme. In fact, it makes you a better one. Finally, I suggest that you show him next time this happens. It will only strengthen your connection.'

Question #2) "What is the best way to handle your Master changing back to vanilla out of the blue and refusing to help you deal with the sudden change?"

Partner Turns Vanilla - BDSM Relationships

Since I don't have any background or context for this question, I am going to be making a couple of assumptions. Did you notice any gradual changes in behavior such as lessening in tasks, loosening of rules or not following up with corrections/punishments if needed? I would ask him what is wrong. If he refuses to answer, you need to decide if you want to stay with him if you want to have a BDSM relationship and he only wants vanilla. If you love him more than you need to have a D/s relationship, you have to find a compromise to be happy. I recommend evaluating your own feelings and priorities as well as your life situation and then decide how to proceed from there. In the meantime, connect with groups and friends for support to vent your frustrations. Lean on them and ask for advice on specific situations if you need. 

Question #3) "I am also interested in more information and resources for submissives who have disabilities. Now that I am dealing with this sciatica will I be accepted by a Dom. Is there a place for me in the lifestyle?"

Disabilibies and BDSM

There are many different types of relationships in the BDSM community that involve people with different disabilities and health problems. While it does affect the way that couple practices BDSM, it does not exclude anyone from the Lifestyle. I have and deal with Epilepsy on a very regular basis. With it comes certain conditions that can hit me at irregular intervals. My Padrone (Master) has learned to deal with these situations and we have tailored our M/s relationship around my epilepsy. The main recommendation I would give is to be very upfront and open with any potential partners about all medical conditions that can or will affect certain aspects of a BDSM relationship. Also remember that not all BDSM relationships include S&M. If there are physical conditions that prevent S&M play, then find a partner that is willing to practice a more mental or softer kind of BDSM. 

BDSM and Disabilities - BDSM Relationships

Below is a Google search containing many good links to different blogs talking about BDSM and disabilities. I hope you find some of them useful. 

If any of you have any additional comments or websites that would add to the above conversations, please leave a comment below!

If you have questions that you like help with on any aspect of the BDSM Lifestyle, please send them to bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com.

BDSM Unveiled Relationships Talk Tuesday 3 February 2015

Post title: " BDSM Unveiled Talk Tuesday 3 February 2015 "
by: Michelle Fegatofi signature Red line

Practicing tolerance requires a fair, objective, and permissive attitude toward opinions, beliefs, and practices that differ from your own. It is giving to every other human being every right that you claim for yourself. Put simply, tolerance means keeping an open mind when interacting with others who are different from you, and treating everyone with respect and compassion, even when you don't share their opinions or values.

Practicing Tolerance in BDSM

I was looking through my friends and followers lists on FB and G+ today and was absolutely amazed by the wide variety of people I saw there! Men, women, transgenders, cross dressers, gay, straight, bisexual and every race, country, and religion you could imagine. It amazes me more and more each time I stop and think how blessed I am to have each and every one of you in my life. Having a broad range and variety of followers, friends and family gives me hope for the future of this world and for the BDSM Community itself.

Respect Others in BDSM

Have you ever been scrolling through a BDSM related web page or site and come across activities that you would never do? Or, have you ever seen a picture that caught your eye and you stopped to read the comments and saw where someone wrote disparaging or just completely rude/abusive remarks? Don't be that person! Remember, as a part of the BDSM community, you should have a very open mind, even though that may mean you don't practice every attribute that is under the BDSM umbrella.

I have heard and seen many of these types of intolerant comments around the internet from people that say they themselves practice an alternative lifestyle. How can this be? How hypocritical! Just because someone lives or practices BDSM in a different way does not mean it's wrong. BDSM is a very large umbrella with an infinite number of combinations. I, as well as most other practitioners of the Lifestyle, advocate a policy that states if everything is consensual and everyone involved understands all that is going on, then nothing done is wrong.

BDSM Unveiled BDSM Umbrella

There are many things that fall under a BDSM category that I would never do or practice, but obviously many in the world would; just as there are ways in which Padrone and I practice our own approach to a M/s Lifestyle. Tolerance should not be something we have to think about, it should just be something we automatically do.

As practitioners and advocates of what is known in the mainstream community world wide as a deviant lifestyle, we have an inherent understanding of what it means to deal with intolerance from others. Don't be that person! If you see something you disagree with and want to comment on, make sure that you do so in a manner that can't be misconstrued to be rude or antagonizing. If you have a different point of view to argue, do it to get the point across without causing adverse feelings in others. Remember, Tolerance also begins with language. Rather than using evaluative/judgmental words like good/bad, right/wrong learn to use words like different or unique.

Keeping an open mind

If you don't agree with certain practices in the community, ignore it and don't practice it. But, keep an open mind for those that do like and practice certain aspects consensually. Help show the mainstream world that even though we are a huge and different group, we stand together united. Develop your sense of adventure. Without diversity, life would be dull, boring and very predictable. It is exactly the differences that others bring to our life, that enrich us.

Hold on to what is good about you. Hold on to what is good about those you meet. And enjoy the freedom and enjoyment that comes with practicing open mindedness and tolerance each and every day. And hopefully others will meet you with the same open mindedness and tolerance.

Tolerant Global BDSM Community

Post title: " Tolerance in the BDSM Community "
by: Michelle Fegatofi signature Red line

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