Humiliation in BDSM

Although we don't talk much about it, Humiliation in the BDSM world is a normal and widely used tool Dominants use as psychological play with their submissives, although it is a powerful but often misunderstood aspect the BDSM Lifestyle.

Humiliation is defined as a consensual psychological act in order to produce erotic excitement or sexual arousal. This can be for the person being humiliated and demeaned or for the person humiliating, or for some spectator. Because different people have different emotional triggers, the range of activities involved in humiliation play is huge, and what one person finds embarrassing another person might not react at all to.

Humiliation can be used as a training tool, punishment or in a playful way, depending on how the dominant decides to utilize it. The first rule of humiliation should be the cooperation of the submissive. Just as every Dominant is not the same, neither are submissives. Make sure that humiliation play/punishment/training is not on the submissive's Hard Limit's List.

Humiliation can be in the forms of verbal, mental, or physical. At its core erotic humiliation is about using embarrassment, fear and shame. It’s also important to note that humiliation and dominance are not exactly the same thing. Humiliation doesn’t always involve being ordered about. Strict humiliation without dominance is when words and actions are used to belittle not to dominate.

Verbal humiliation can mean the use of words like slut or whore; being mocked, ridiculed or have appearance belittled; asking permission to eat, to go to the bathroom or to have an orgasm; not allowing sub to leave the dungeon or house; treated like a pet or an object; being treated or scolded like a child; made to use honorifics such as Master, Mistress, Sir, Ma’am or Daddy.

                                                

Physical aspects of humiliation can be; being slapped or spanked; having movements restricted; orgasm denial or orgasm on demand; sexual denial by command or use of chastity device; enforced dress code (i.e.: forced cross dressing) or required to wear nothing; deprival of privacy such as being watched using the toilet; requiring to wear collar; performing acts of body worship; performing tasks or acts of service; public humiliation; being used as furniture; being ejaculated on or spit on; used as a human toilet; cuckolding; performing sexual acts without reciprocation. 

Extreme humiliation is called degradation. It can involve a wide range of activities, such as human toilet play. The boundary between degradation and humiliation is unclear. It has been suggested that degradation can have a more long-lasting negative affect on a victim’s mind than humiliation, and so it is often beyond people’s limits of what is acceptable.

To a large extent, what is humiliating or degrading is quite individual and varies a lot from person to person. Animal play is seen by some as degrading, but people into pup play would totally disagree. The same goes for age play, exhibitionism, crossdressing, servitude and pretty much everything else on the list. One person’s “humiliating” is not necessarily another’s.

Humiliation play can be taken to a point where it becomes emotionally or psychologically distressing to one or the other partner, especially if it is public humiliation. Erotic humiliation can become extreme enough to be considered a form of edgeplay.

It’s important to understand that erotic humiliation and degradation is based firmly on consent. If there is no consent then it is abusive. This doesn’t have to be consent given in that exact moment, it could be an agreement between partners of Consensual Non-Consent. But it HAS to be there.

Whatever your thoughts on Humiliation, just ensure there is total consent and understanding from your partner before embarking on this as a form of play, punishment, or training.

If you have any thoughts or comments you would like to share on the subject, leave them below. 

My Response to Emily Winter's Lies about my Character and Background

It's been brought to my attention that Emily Winters is attacking me and writing lies about me because of my GoFundMe account where I have asked for help in acquiring a divorce (gofund.me/HelpFundMyDivorce). We were once very good friends and we trusted each other with what was happening with our personal lives. She made the decision to end our friendship right after I came to Italy because she didn't like the advice I gave her after she asked me my opinion. If you have read my blogs or ever had a conversation with me, you know I say exactly what I think and do not sugar coat it. I will also not stoop to her level by revealing her true name or those of her children as she revealed the name of my children in her fabricated post about me.

First I will address Emily's blatant lies and twisted truths that she posted on her page:

1. She said I 'procured' a flight to Italy. Padrone Marco flew to California himself for the sole purpose of flying me back to Italy to live with him because we were in love. The choice was mine. He knew the complete situation.

2. I did bring my dog but not my kids. Why? The law prohibited it. I could not have gotten a lawyer to grant me the permission because I had no job and no access to money because my husband would not allow me to have access to any cash and kept very low to $0 amounts of money in the bank account. If I could have brought my kids with me I would have. No doubts about it.

3. I have never had any troubles with the IRS. Wilton filed his paperwork separately. I had not worked since 2004 so never had a W-2 nor 1099, hence no need to file. His problems with the IRS have been resolved as far as I know, but again, he made the problems and he fixed it.

4. The only financial item that I was a co-signer for was on a house that the ex now lives in with the two boys on a part time basis when not living with his current female companion in her condo.

5.  My ex was mentally and emotionally abusive to me for most of our marriage. I never said he physically abused me. He did threaten me many times in many different ways and towards the end he became increasingly unstable around me when the boys were not at home. He was good with our boys. He always had problems with the way he treats women. Emily thinks she knows about my entire life but she doesn't. I didn't tell anyone about my forced abortions until many years later. If you want proof of his behaviour, I had a woman (whose identity will remain a secret) email me out of the blue about him attempting to kidnap her from her own apartment. If you want to see the email I will gladly show you.

6. As far as me being 'stuck' in Italy, that is an outright lie. I have my passport and am free to come and go as I please. No problems. Why will I not leave and go back to the USA to try to fight for a divorce? First, I would have to try to find a job, apartment, and everything else just to stay there. Second, he would contest it and fight me for daring to file first if I were there. Third, I simply don't want to leave Padrone for that many months and probably years it would take to file and obtain a divorce.

7. There are several types of visas you can get in Italy to stay here legally. How does Emily know if I have a student visa or not? Or, since I publish books, how does she know if I have been granted a limited work visa because of my writing? No, I can't get a regular job in Italy because of my current status. She doesn't know what my status is. In Italy, as with most of the Schengen countries, there are multiple ways to obtain a visa to stay in a country, but those visas do not give you the same rights as being married to a citizen. And yes, I want to and will eventually marry Padrone, not because of any legal situation, but because we love each other. Being married will protect me if something happens to him financially and legally. He wants me to be as safe as possible, as any good Master would. He has allowed me access to all of his accounts so I am ok there. But, if I want to open one of my own that isn't possible.

8. As far as my experience in the Lifestyle, I have always stated (read through my blogs as proof) that I have been in and around the lifestyle for over 20 years. I started at the age of 18 when I had moved to Kansas and had a teacher that was a good friend who was also in the Air Force. My ex never was into the D/s of the lifestyle so I sought out the internet and lived, mentored and gained more knowledge that way. Does online count? That is up to you to decide. My advice, views and knowledge are the same and do not change. I count all of those years because yes, I started at a very early age.

9. Did I delete her comment from my Go Fund me page? Of course I did. Why would I leave false hurtful statements from someone that hates me for no reason and is a very bitter person? And yes, I blocked her from my accounts because I don't want to put up with her drama. I don't do drama. The stress of crap like this is a seizure trigger for my epilepsy so I avoid it at all costs. I'm only responding to her this time because she is a public figure and this is the second time she is trying to ruin my reputation.

Now I have addressed all of her falsehoods and outright lies, I urge you to go and read the two blog posts about my life leading up to my leaving my ex. I recommend you read them first then continue to read this post.

Blog post 1: bdsmunveiled.blogspot.com/2013/11/a-real-bdsm-fairy-tail-come-true-part-1.html

Blog post 2: bdsmunveiled.blogspot.com/2013/11/a-real-bdsm-fairy-tail-come-true-part-2.html

I will now address what happened after the last blog post ended. I had to plan very carefully how to escape from my husband. On the day of Padrone's arrival, I made arrangements to leave my boys with a friend of mine. My ex had an appointment that was a 2 hour drive away from the house so I had a very tight time schedule to work with.

After he left, I dropped my boys off and hugged them and kissed them and told them that I love them very much. I then rushed back home and packed my clothes, shoes, personal items and left. I didn't have time to do anything else for fear he would come back and stop me. After he had virtually held me prisoner for those 3 days, I was not taking any chances. I was heart broken at having to leave my kids and extremely scared that I would get caught leaving.

I took the battery out of my phone so he could not track me. I picked up Padrone from the airport and we checked into a hotel. We were safe for 3 days until he tracked us down. He called the police and told them that I was being held against my will. They came and verified that I wasn't. During the two weeks we stayed in CA before boarding the plane to come to Italy, he did many things to us trying to stop me from getting on that plane.

He called my epilepsy doctor and asked her to declare me mentally unstable. She refused because she said I have seizures, but am not crazy. She also threatened to file a police report on him if he called her office again. He had the cops come by the hotel every night with a different complaint until they just stopped responding.

My original passport had expired so I needed a new one. I applied for one and had it expressed to our hotel room. He somehow found out and had a woman call and impersonate me and get the address changed to be rerouted our house, knowing that I would not be able to pick it up if it was delivered there. I literally just happened to call to get a status update and they told me about it. I had to cancel that one and we drove to LA to get one printed and made at the office down there.

He got the GPS turned back on in my truck and found out we were at the vet's office for an appointment. He stormed in and tried to physically remove me from there. When I wouldn't move, he tried to pick a fight with Padrone. Padrone calmly stated he wouldn't fight and asked the vet to call the cops. He left before they arrived.

The night before our flight to Italy, I logged in to the computer to check-in online and found out that our tickets were cancelled. Padrone called the airlines and they told him that Padrone Marco had called earlier and cancelled the non-refundable tickets! My ex had somehow managed to convince them that he was Padrone and that he wanted to cancel the tickets. That was his last ditch effort to keep me in the country. Padrone ended up searching and searching for a one way flight back to Italy because he had to be back at work the day after we landed. He ended up having to spend $3000 for two one-way tickets back to Italy.

I have to tell you that the stress was enormous and we didn't feel any relief until we were on that plane on our way to Italy. While I do not regret leaving him, I do regret that I left my kids the way I did. I wish I had had time to prepare them, time to fight for them in court, something. But, I was at my breaking point mentally. I couldn't stay there any longer. I had asked him for a divorce several times and he told me he would never let me go. I had tried unsuccessfully to get a job for 2 years when the market was at it's worst (2010 & 2011). I had asked my family for help before making the decision to leave with Padrone but again, they all told me it would work itself out.

Now I have explained the entire situation to you, addressed Emily's twisted truths and outright lies, it is for you to judge for yourself how you feel about me and my work in the BDSM community. Please help spread the word of this blog post by sharing it so that your friends and others may see the truth as it really is and not told through from the bitter lips of someone that didn't know everything about my real life and completely twisted the truth about the parts she knew.

If Emily reads this, Padrone says "hello".

Michelle Fegatofi