BDSM Unveiled's Talk Tuesday for 30 June 2015

After a very long and stressful two months of relocating, we are finally almost settled in our new place! I feel like I am finally able to start settling back into writing Talk Tuesday as well as other hopefully helpful blogs. Today, my Padrone is answering the questions about Dominants because we both feel he is in a better position to give an answer as he is the dominant in our relationship.

This week we received several great questions, and as normal, I only chose three to answer here. Today's topics cover 'Lasting affects of Physical Pain', 'Advice for a New Dom', and 'Humiliation'.

Question #1) "I am a part time sub to a great Master. We have the most intense sessions every fortnight weekend. I enjoy receiving pain as much as my Master likes giving it. My backside and thighs get serious whipping every time. I enjoy the marks and the pain that takes few days to heal. Lately I have noticed that even after a longer period of time I experience phantom kind of pain in my backside, that is not provoked by impact with a chair. Master likes the idea of feeling him for longer, and so do I. My concern is - do I create some kind of permanent damage. I can't really contact a doctor with this question. Michelle, to your experience and knowledge, have you observed sub experiencing a permanent damage to her backside due to regular whipping for years."

I have to preface my answer by saying I am not a doctor of any kind. The advice is just from my own experience and research over the years. I have seen a person who had permanent scars from repeated impact play from a cane that was used to beat the sub's backside so severely that the skin opened up every time. I have also heard of what is called psychological physical pain. This pain can be induced by strong emotional events. With the pain sessions being so coveted by you and very intense, it sounds like a mental reaction to the times in between scenes. I would recommend researching Kink Friendly doctors in your area and make an appointment just to get checked out to ensure your health is all ok.

Question #2) "My girlfriend has experience in the bdsm lifestyle and asked me to become her Master before I take this responsibility I'm trying to learn what I can and what it means to be a Dom/Master thank you for any advice or information you can share."

The first thing you have to ask yourself is if it is in your nature to be a dominant over another person in a relationship. If you have to force yourself to dominate another person, you will eventually end up hating yourself and possibly the other person because you will most likely start feeling like you are being forced to act differently than how you truly are. If you like being in the dominant role, you then must start educating yourself by reading everything you can find about BDSM. There are countless numbers of books and websites available with diverse views on the Lifestyle. You can find and join a local BDSM group, go to munches and try to make friends with other Dominants, or find a BDSM club that might offer classes in domination. Once you learn more about the lifestyle, what it takes to be a dominant, and learn more about your submissive's needs, you can tailor your domination style to better suit your specific situation. As for responsibilities, you have to take care of your sub's mental and physical needs, guide her in her submission, help her become more and encourage her always. You have to learn to read her body language and learn to differentiate between her wants and desires versus needs. You have to understand that her wants will not always be what she needs.

Question #3) "My Master likes to humiliate me in public and I don't like it at all. It does not turn me on or do anything for me but makes me feel small and depressed. Every time he does it, I end up crying and depressed and he punishes me because of my reaction. He says I should feel privileged he makes time for a pig like me. How can I make him see this hurts me but maintain a relationship with him?"

If you have a contract and humiliation is a hard limit but your Dominant continuously violates that, he has no respect for you or your relationship and he is not a real dominant in my opinion. If you don't have a contract, then you have to tell him you want to make one between the two of you that clearly outlines and defines all limits, expectations, rules, punishments, and any other aspect in your relationship. If he will not agree to this, I would recommend ending the relationship. I am worried that the lasting effects of continued humiliation on your mental and emotional health could wreak long term damage. Keep in mind that a dominant's number one priority is always the mental, emotional, and physical well being of his submissive. And from the email above, it does not sound like yours understands this fact.

Feel free to leave your comments below! I hope you found the above questions helpful to your own journey through the BDSM world. If you need advice about any aspect of the Lifestyle, please email your questions to bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com.

Overcoming BDSM Changes and Doubts

Changes in life are inevitable. Sometimes those changes lead to bad things while others lead you to more happy times and extraordinary adventures. While change does happen, it doesn’t have to be scary (even if it feels like).

These past couple of months have led to many changes in my own life. While the journey has not always been completely smooth, there have been many learning opportunities. I learned many things about the way Italians conduct real estate business in Italy, the way their buildings are constructed, the complexities of stopping/moving/starting utilities for your house. It’s way different from anything I was used to in the USA.

But, luckily for me, I had an expert guide to lead the way. As with all things in our lives, Padrone ensured that everything was done. What role did I play in moving since I don’t speak enough Italian to be helpful and didn’t know how to get things done? I kept to-do lists, packed boxes, made sure that he met every appointment he had scheduled, kept him fed and happy and tried to do all that I could to make this move a little less stressful.

These things might not sound like a lot to you, but to me they were. They meant that I was contributing what I could to our search and eventual move to a new and much better location. These tasks made me feel good inside myself, knowing that even though some of them seemed small at the time, it was one less thing Padrone had to think or do by himself. I was serving my Master in every conceivable capacity that I could and got the very comforting feeling that yes, I was helping.

Why am I rambling on about our move? Because as with most everything else in life, I took away many lessons from it that can be applied to the BDSM Lifestyle. I get many emails and messages from submissives from around the world asking for my advice and a lot of them touch on the subjects of change or not feeling like they contribute much to their own D/s or M/s relationship.

If you are in fear of changes that are coming your way, try to look for any and all positives that can happen with them. Don’t allow your own self doubts and fears get the best of you. Have you heard of the saying ‘Our own mind is our worst enemy’? That is true in 90% of the questions I get from submissives that have no confidence in themselves or their relationships.

If you do have doubts or concerns about changes or things that are going on in your relationship, talk to your partner about them. Bring them out in the open and don’t waste time making up doomsday scenarios that are not likely to happen. Those what-if’s can be just as destructive as a real doomsday scenario.

When you feel like you are not contributing enough to your relationship for whatever reason, ask yourself why you feel that way? Is it because you don’t get enough attention or positive feedback from your dominant? Is it your own lack of confidence playing with your mind? Try to track down what it is and rectify it. If you can’t figure it out on your own, tell your partner your fears. Dominants are there to guide us through good and bad times in our lives. We rely on them to be our rock just as they rely on us for many things as well.

The worst thing any couple in a relationship, especially a BDSM dynamic, can do is to stay silent when there is a real or falsely conceived notion causing an underlying tension. If not addressed quickly, calmly and with full open and honest communication, this could really be the beginning of the end for a relationship.

When talking to your dominant about changes, feelings of inferiority (not completing your duties, etc), stay focused on the actual subject. Make sure you do not approach them in an argumentative fashion. You have to keep a completely open mind to any and all things they say, even if you might not realize it or agree with it. If you are in a relationship in which your dominant is fair and guiding, takes great care in how they handle you, and gives you positive feedback while reprimanding you when needed, you should have the confidence to bring all things you feel to his/her attention.

During this move, I’ve learned new things about myself as well as about my submission. Padrone and I have both grown closer and are continuing to grow closer and tighter in our journey through our own M/s relationship.

While I have touched on a couple of different and diverse subjects in this post, I do feel that both belong together and each single issue touches the other more often than you may realize. I hope you take away something encouraging and enlightening after you’ve read this.