If you are new to the lifestyle or find yourself confused at times and reverting back and forth between BDSM and vanilla life, the following post should help you.
I have gotten many emails lately asking for advice on how to spice up or restart a D/s or M/s relationship. There have been many couples that start exploring the BDSM lifestyle after one of the partners had read an erotica book talking about the subject.
Here is an evolution of new couples entering into the BDSM lifestyle and what I have observed in talking to many different couples that approach me seeking advice. A couple will start playing with toys and move into bondage and start experimenting with various levels of S&M. By this time, they get a feel of who is more dominant and submissive. They assume one of the roles and start getting deeper into the D/s (mental and psychological) part of BDSM. During the first 3-6 months, the couple is very committed and focused on setting up their own rules, limits, punishments, etc. After a while, they start slacking off on punishments, rules, or playtime and have many periods of a vanilla relationship. The submissive usually is the first one to complain about the lessening of her rules or the change or lack of interest from the Dominant in making sure that she is following his set standards.
There are many reasons that this can happen. One party might not be as into it as they were at first because it takes work and discipline to keep up and maintain a true D/s or M/s relationship. Life events might throw many obstacles in the way and the relationship takes a back seat. Changes in feelings from one or both partners can also contribute to the slacking off of a D/s relationship.
In some cases, it is the submissive that changes the relationship. In today's society with work, children, and the general consensus of the population, it can be hard for a submissive, especially females to maintain a submissive mind. At work and at home, they are often tasked with leading or problem solving on their own, which leads to a more dominant state of mind.
Now, how can you combat these issues and maintain a somewhat consistent BDSM relationship while working, taking care of kids, and dealing with today's beliefs in popular society? There are many ways to keep a submissive mind and to stay focused on the D/s or M/s part of your relationship.
The number one rule is that you both have to be committed. One person can't stay in the Dominant or submissive state of mind while the other one is thinking vanilla. When you are together, you have to become used to automatically assuming the role of Dom or sub. After a while and consciously focusing on your role and responsibilities within that role, it will become habit or second nature to you.
As a submissive, there are several things you can do to help put yourself in or maintain a submissive state of mind. I suggest meditating every day when you first wake up or taking 10 minutes before your Dominant comes home to ready your mind. This can be especially helpful when you have been working all day or at home taking care of children.
During the day, most people work and aren't together. Utilizing technology such as cell phones, text messages, Instant messenger, GPS and cameras, you as a Dominant can maintain a sense of power over your sub throughout the day. This will give you a continuous feeling of your domination but also help your submissive maintain a secure feeling as well as a submissive state of mind. In a previous post, I go into great detail on utilizing technology.
One other mistake that I see many couples new to the lifestyle making quite often is by incorporating too many types of toys into a play session. While we all love our toys, sometimes using too many ones in a session can make the sub confused and uncomfortable. In some cases, it can make the sub feel disconnected to the Dominant, like he really isn't interested in her but just going through the motions. If this sounds like your relationship, take out the toys and get back to basics.
You might be surprised at how something so simple can bring a couple back together and back into the D/s or M/s harmony they seek.
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Difficulties In Maintaining a True D/s Relationship