BDSM Relationship Tip: Confessionals

You have all heard or participated in some sort of confessions.

Confessionals are wooden boxes that are used in the Catholic church to confess sins anonymously. It's a process where you are able to unburden your conscious of all the bad things you have done or thought about. It's supposed to help you clear the air and start fresh. Now, what does this have to do with BDSM you ask? I am proposing that you take this same concept and move it into our Lifestyle.

Why would you do that?

In all BDSM relationships, one of our base foundations is to have open, honest, two way communication between partners. But, over the years, I have met many people, both submissive and Dominant, that keep certain things to themselves because they are afraid to divulge something to their partner for various reasons.

It's a proven fact that the more issues and feelings you keep pent up, the more likely a person is to explode. People can only keep bad emotions bottled up inside for a certain amount of time until it starts to drain you. Introducing regularly scheduled BDSM Confessional sessions will help keep things (feelings, frustrations, disagreements) clear between a Dominant and submissive while promoting a closer, happier and healthier relationship.

How do you implement a Confessional session?

First, I suggest that you set a regular day and time for these sessions. Consistency will give you both a structure and routine that will put you more at ease and help to set the tone of the meetings so you can be completely honest when addressing the toughest of issues.

Sessions should always be face to face if possible. If you are a real life couple, make sure to conduct them in a neutral place so the submissive doesn't feel like they are on unequal terms and becomes uncomfortable in telling the Dominant everything that's bothering them. I understand that many relationships are strictly an online or long distance D/s relationship. In these circumstances, try to use a video chat like Skype, Google Chat, or Facebook Video to conduct these particular sessions. If that isn't possible, try to use a program with voice chat or call them on the phone. The reason this is so important is because many things can be, and many times are, misunderstood and taken out of their original context.

Now that we have the time and place taken care of, let's tackle the rules. In these sessions, the main rule that has to be observed is that both parties should speak freely without being afraid of reprisals once the sessions are over. Roles should be left at the door once you start the session. While you are there to clear the air, stay respectful and calm. Yelling doesn't get you anywhere. These sessions are not a reason to start fights.

Third, I suggest keeping a journal or written list of real issues that are bothering you. Make sure the list contains only issues that you feel are weighing heavily on your mind. Do not make it a complaint or 'bitching' session. That is NOT the goal of Confessionals. You should only address real issues like your Dom pushing your limits too much, using names you don't like, crossing your hard limits, the use of humiliation, punishments, etc.

Finally, don't hold back! If you go into a session but do not tell your partner everything that is bothering you, the issue can't be changed and the entire session was a waste of time. Make sure that you present all issues you feel need resolving and not just half truths. If you have to reopen an old issue because things for that particular situation hasn't changed enough, do so. But, make sure your reasons for rehashing the issue are legitimate.

If implemented correctly and kept up, Confessional sessions can be an extremely helpful tool. I hope that if you do implement Confessional sessions into your BDSM dynamic, you will both grow closer and happier.

If you have any questions or comments, let me hear from you below!

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Dealing With Self Doubt as a Submissive

Doubting oneself is natural.

We all have those days where we question everything. Am I smart enough? Am I too fat? Do my clothes look ok? Am I pretty? Do people like me? As a BDSM submissive, other questions on top of these can come in to play as well. Did I please my Dominant? Am I submissive enough? Am I worthy of being his? Is my body good enough?

 

While self doubt is natural and all humans do this sometimes, continuously doubting yourself and your abilities can be self destructive to yourself and to your relationship. Dominants want submissives that are proud of themselves and their positions. They don't want someone that is constantly doubting their abilities or their looks. If you are constantly thinking and worrying about these things, when do you have time to think about the wants and needs of your Dominant?

Constant or consistent self doubting will keep you timid and in a bad or depressed state. Your state of mind can affect the people around you, such as your Dominant, so you will most likely put him in a bad mood as well. Now when you see you made your Dominant unhappy, as a submissive, you will get even deeper into a depressive state because you will not have done what all submissives want to do: make your Dominant happy. Are you beginning to see the pattern?

Now I've helped you recognize a pattern, how can you break the cycle? There are many techniques and avenues that you can employ to become, or get back on track, to a more confident you. First, you have to believe in yourself. You have to. There are no shortcuts and no going around this. The first step, as with most everything in life, starts with you. I'm not going to say it is easy or that it won't be a bumpy road. But, once you learn to have confidence in yourself and your abilities, you will see the world open up for you.

What techniques can you use to start gaining confidence in your abilities? While you will find many different ways and advice on gaining confidence around the internet, here's a few simple tips to get you started:

1. Make a list of 10 things you do well. (cooking, cleaning, reading, languages, sewing, sex, etc...)
2. Make copies of that list and put them in places you will have no choice but to read them at different times through out the day. Don't just read them. Believe them.
3. Start an "I am Good" journal. Every night before you go to bed, write down at least one thing you did that day that made you proud. If you're having an extra bad day, write you are good because you woke up and got out of bed. Writing down things helps keep a record of our lives and progress and will help you to see your strengths.
4. Believe the people closest to you when they tell you things. (Ex. When your Dominant praises you for tasks well done. They usually don't say things they don't mean.)
5. Always continue to grow. Even in BDSM, there is always something more to learn. As a submissive, you should find and read different websites, books, etc. to grow your knowledge. There are an endless amount of diverse ways to practice D/s.

What different kinds of techniques can you use to help yourself improve your body image? I have written a couple of other posts on this topic, but here's a recap:

1. Look in yourself in a mirror everyday and tell yourself that you are beautiful!
2. Dress in clothes that accentuate your body, not shapeless sacks that are meant to hide everything! Flaunt your curves!
3. Listen to your body. Eat when you are hungry.
4. Be realistic about the size you are likely to be based on your genetic and environmental history.
5. Expect normal weekly and monthly changes in weight and shape.
6. Work towards self acceptance and self forgiveness- be gentle with yourself.
7. Ask for support and encouragement from friends and family when life is stressful.
8. Decide how you wish to spend your energy -- pursuing the "perfect body image" or enjoying family, friends, school and, most importantly, life.
9. Remind yourself that “true beauty” is not simply skin deep. When you feel good about yourself and who you are, you carry yourself with a sense of confidence, self-acceptance, and openness that makes you beautiful regardless of whether you physically look like a supermodel.  Beauty is a state of mind, not a state of your body.
10. Look at yourself as a whole person. When you see yourself in a mirror or in your mind, choose not to focus on specific body parts. See yourself as you want others to see you–as a whole person.
11. Avoid fashion magazines that endorse emaciated women as the norm or average.
12. Throw the scale away!!!!!!!

Hopefully with the above tips, you will start building a new and improved you, one without self doubt! Remember that we only get this go around in life, so decide if you want to live happily and the best life you can as a confident person, or one that is missing out on the simple beauty of being alive because you are eaten up by so much self doubt.

It's your choice. It's your life. Don't waste it.